[Paramour]

Hello,

I've been reading the forum for a while now, but of course, it's my first time to post...

I've got a delima on my hands. My girlfriend of almost six years decided to break up with me last month. I've since moved out (without a fight) and have actually relocated. We had a lot of problems which stem from lack of trust on both of our parts. I had recently forgiven her for some things that happened 3 years ago. I never held it over her head, but it made me rather clingy because I didn't want to let go of it.

Anyway, what happened which caused most of this is my fault. She would ask me about small things... like "Honey, have you paid this bill or that bill?" The problem being if I hadn't yet done it, I would tell her it was already taken care of. Just telling her small, white lies like that has damaged our relationship. It's not that I never took care of them... because I did... normally later in the day, or the next day.

Well, she seemed to find out about it... I guess she was checking our bank account to make sure the payments went through. Well, things like that tend to build up over time. It seemed like every time I would gain an inch of trust, I would just end up burning it up again. I changed quite a bit from who I was when we first met. We got together when she was about to turn 20, and I was 24. I'm now almost 30 and she's about to be 26.

Just 2 months ago, we were having some small problems because I've been so consumed by my job... I work on a drilling rig, so I'm gone a lot while trying to support us while she goes to college full time. I work long hours... 72-84 hours a week. Well, sometimes I just don't have the time to make sure that everything is taken care of. She's been very consumed with classes and things such as that. She's grown tired of me not being home when she is. I'm trying to get a better shift... daylights or something like that so we get to spend more time together, but there's nowhere else I can make the amount of money that I make for us.

Anyway, in August she asked me to leave. She was in class and I was at home packing my things. She came home and I was still packing. I continued to pack and not speak to her. She then asked me to stop, and I didn't. I went to take one of my bags out and she stopped me... she begged me not to leave saying that she couldn't live without me and realized that while she was at lunch with a friend. I stayed and things were getting better. I told her that I couldn't keep up with making sure the bills were paid and all that because of my intense schedule right now. She said okay, and told me that she would help out by making sure the books were taken care of and the bills were paid... huge relief for me...

So, last month I find out that while I'm at work, she's going out to clubs and stuff... not a big deal.. I expect her to have a life outside of our relationship... it's healthier. Anyway, then I find out that she's meeting someone there and they're spending a lot of time together. I was assured by a close friend that nothing was happening (physically) except they were dancing.. okay, that's fine with me... I'm not an insecure guy at all. Well, then the bombs start to rain down. I find out that she left the bar with this guy and they went to a local lake... they were supposedly there "talking" for over two hours... one of my friends who is a deputy seen them parked there for that amount of time and had checked on them once or twice before on that night.

Well, then insecurities start to get the best of me. I start to worry that while I'm on the midnight shift, she's out with someone else doing God knows what. I confront her about it, and she does her best to assure me that nothing is happening, saying that she's totally committed to me, and only me. This eases the tention for a little while. Then I find out that it continues to happen this way for about another 2 weeks. I confront her again, demanding that she stop hanging out with this guy if she's so committed to me. She says that she should be able to choose who she hangs out with, and I should be fine with it.

So last month, I leave after we had a pretty bad argument about it. I've tried so hard to be civil about it during the relationship. I always went to her and talked to her. I never lost my cool until last month when she said that I didn't have any say. The kicker is, we were engaged for 9 months and were going to get married in April 2009.

So, I cut all contact with her... took her name off my account, left her a vehicle, paid a couple of months bills in advance even. Now that I have cut contact with her, I find myself wanting to get in touch with her again. I feel like I was being a little too jealous. She said the night that I left she couldn't trust me because of the little white lies about bills and other things being taken care of when they weren't.

I really want to fix this, and I know that I can't as long as she doesn't want to.

Is there ANYTHING I CAN DO to get her to talk to me and possibly mend our relationship?

[Paramour]

And sorry it's so long... I wanted to give as much detail as I can...

[NallaNeedsYou]

Your predicement is very deep and still very sensitive. Firstly you have probably read this in other posts but any lies no matter how small they seem build up and make relationships insecure and vulnerable. It is good that you can see that and it could help your situation. It is whether you can see those problems and them correct them which is the important thing.

I can see why you had suspisions and I think that if she hasn't done anything wrong then she should be able to explain that to you. If you really want to sort out out the issue of her being around this other man you need to be able to talk to one another without argueing. Maybe she felt it would make you wake up to the things she values? You obviously loved her, there is no question about that and I think that your love for her should have driven you to improve on yourself and start trying to organise yourself better. If you can humble yourself to apologise for being suspisous and explain your reasons for being suspisous then if you think there is a glimmer of love left in her and you really want it to work then I suggest that you promise to [U]try[U]harder (not that you will) to organise yourself and sort out all the little lies and promise to try harder to sort out those things that made your relationship vulnerable. I really hope this helps. Good luck!

[mr confused]

No worries dude, Im a first time poster today as well and my first post was just as long.

U have to ask yourself a few things before you decide to contact her or become part of your life again? Do you actually want to be back with her? The thing is, after you have broken up, you tend to remember all the good stuff and none of the bad.

It seems that you both made mistakes and both need to learn from them. You both need to address the trust issues and make more time for each other. There needs to be give and take on both sides. If you feel that strongly and feel as though she is the only one for you, then contact her. Tell her you wish to see her to talk things through because its seems that you guys are throwing something amazing away because of some very small issues that built into something big.

Then just be honest with her and hope she is honest with you. You both need to stop the little white lies because at the end of the day, they are lies, and you shouldn't be lying to the one you love.

If you both love each other, then you should be able to tell each other anything, your deepest darkest secrets and you should both be OK with it, because love should be unconditional.

Just my opinion, that's all.

You may want to give her a few weeks to blow off some steam though, as walking away like you did must have hurt her as much as it hurt you.

[Paramour]

Well, her mom says that it has a lot to do with my work schedule also. Like I said, I'll work 72-84 hours a week drilling sometimes, so it doesn't make a lot of time for "us" and it upsets her because she thinks that I believe the money is more important than her.

I've told her repeatedly that this is not true, and I would even quit and go back to turning a wrench like I did when we first got together. I just want her to feel secure with things... not have to worry about anything, and not have to be like we were in the beginning... having to worry about where we would get the money for things, etc...

I mean, like I said; I'm very secure with myself and I was extremely secure with our relationship. I didn't think there would ever be anything that would come between us... but like Nalla says, a lie is a lie... to her, I might as well have cheated on her or something I'm sure.

The truth of the matter is, I'm weak when it comes to her. I try everything I can to make sure that she knows that I love her and everything that I do is to make our lives easier. I used to leave her small notes on her night stand every night for her to find in the morning. The notes would let her know how I feel about her and just little things... as an example the last note I left her said "You are...loved, honored, respected, treasured, adored, cherished, longed for and...missed." I did things like that all of the time to make sure she knew that I appreciate the sacrifice that she made by being with me... it's not easy to be with someone who's hardly ever home, and when I was... I was generally sleeping. So, I'm sure that making time for her had a lot to do with it.

I have worked every day to make sure that I do something to improve myself though. I've talked to friends and they say that she's trying to stay busy with her friends, but she's not even hanging out with the other guy now because she's so worried. Yeah, I walked out on her. Left her in a cloud of dust to be frank... but I've realized my mistakes and the first step to change is admitting to those mistakes... so I'm making progress, I'm just a wreck without her sometimes. Work keeps me VERY busy, but that doesn't fill the void that's there.

[TrueFaith]

Don't listen to her mom man. Of course the mother is going to take her side

Even if she was banging around. She would say ohh your never there..

BAH!

Ok dude the notes.. :) yeah that is kind of sweet. But that can come across as needy. And it can make her feel that.. she has you so to speak.

Ill put it like this.. if you give her cake everyday. She will like it. Then she will grow to exspect it. Then she will go off it.
Notes like that are like fuel.. for a fire. You should not always be putting stuff on the fire. Because it will burn out.

I want to know something. Was you paying her bills? Or is this your house you are moving out of?
Because you are working and you was supporting her.

The white lies. I am guilty of the same thing. I have no clue why we do it... it just comes out doesn't it.. hehe its like yeah yeah yeah its all good. Because you know you will do it. So its just does not seem like a lie..

I understand you there my friend.. that is something I am working on :) it is tough though. But that's nothing you should be ashamed of I am sure she KNOWS you after 6 years and trust me! If that was any typ of an issue. It would have come up a lot sooner. And if it was a huge issue. She would have left.

So she was OK living with that.

It seems that the trust broke down in the relationship
Not from WHITE LIES as you say. But from other more serious actions. Sadly you could never build them back up. And as for her parking with another guy. That is just something you should not take my friend.
That shows no respect for you.

Yeah its OK for her to go out with friend
But to go to a lake... with some dude..
I mean what the hell do they have to talk about..
You know in heart. What went on. And so do we.

So my friend you are doing the right thing

Go no contact with her. Get your stuff and move on. And be thankful that you did not marrie her. Because that would have only made things sooo much harder.

Now you can leave. Be Free work hard. And find someone that you do trust.

All the best.

Oh yeah. And Relationships are rarely onesides it normaly takes 2 people to brake up
So its not all your fault and don't blame yourself.
You did the best you could do. With what you had. And there is no shame in that.

[Paramour]

Her mother actually has a non bias opinion between the two of us. This is because she doesn't want us to break up because I am so good to her daughter.

As far as being needy, my job is very dangerous. There are a great number of fatalities every year. I leave notes for her, I don't actually think quite as often as I said, probably once a week or so. But regardless, I don't ever want her to have to wonder how I really felt about her if something were to happen to me. You call it needy, I call it ensuring that she has no questions if something happens to me...

Now we address the white lies. A lie is a lie, no matter how you look at it. I am deeply ashamed of myself for that. I wasn't raised that way and it brings disgrace upon not only myself, but my parents and that's something that I just can't have. I have a strong sense of who I am, and I have very strong beliefs and values to go with that. What I did is against every belief that I have. I'm sorry, but I don't see how anyone couldn't feel guilty for lying to someone they love so much.

Now on to the incident with her hanging out with this other guy. I really don't believe that she did anything with him. I say this because she's like me. She's not emotional at all. She doesn't act like a baby, whinny and crying at all. Not for anything hardly. When she was trying to assure me that nothing happened, she cried her eyes out. I mean so bad that she threw up.

You say that I should be thankful that I didn't marry her... I disagree with this. I'm the one who did the initial break of our trust. I do trust her, I was just so insecure at that point that I didn't want to believe her. I told myself over and over that there was no way what she was saying was true. She's never given me any reason not to trust her, so yeah... I trust her.

I sacrifice a lot for her. She would do the same thing for me. I'm not needy... I am doing fine without her, but that doesn't mean that I don't want her in my life. We shared a lot of good times, and bad. I remember both vividly. I know that it takes 2, and I'm not blaming everything on myself. She did her part too.

I have no doubt that I did my best for her every day... as far as making sure she had nice things, a nice house, the best in clothing and whatever else she wanted. But did I really do the best I could for her as far as being a loyal companion goes? No, I wasn't there enough.

So yeah, I'm not needy, clingy, or anything else to that nature. And oh yeah, I am ashamed of myself because I didn't look at the big picture... but I'm willing to admit my mistakes and take whatever comes at me like a man, because that's who I am.

I respect your opinion, but still disagree.

[Guidostern]

Obviously you love this girl very much. I'm sure since you're the age you are, you've had a few long term relationships and experiences with love.

You got to think about something's though. You say that you broke the initial line of trust. I agree that a lie is a lie, no matter how you look at it, but at the same time does she do these things to you as well? It sounds like you have an awful lot of pressure on you while you guys were together... just an observation.

I completely understand wanting her back, but you have to make sure that before you ever do this that you're both willing to come to an even ground... it's not easy sometimes, and if you don't you'll just end up where you are right now.

I'm impressed that you just simply cut contact with her and had no problems after almost six years. I talked to my ex every day for like a week. People say that I'm needy too... but that's okay, because I'm able to share what's on my mind, and that's not a bad thing.

Honestly though, communication is the key. My ex and I had problems because of my job too. I'm a police officer, so I understand wanting to make sure that your girl knows exactly how you feel.

I do think that you're being a little hard on yourself though. We all make mistakes, and as long as we learn from them, we can make the necessary changes to ourselves. Make sure that you're doing this for YOU though... if you're just doing it for her, you're cheating yourself and that's not right.

I understand being materialistic, but honestly, does she need the materials more than she needs you? Probably not...

Talk to her though, let her take some of the load off you. You're setting unreal expections for yourself and it's hard to meet them when your job is so demanding... she's probably going to be more than willing to pick up some of the slack if you're not too proud.

If you do talk to her, make sure that you do it face to face. Don't do it over the phone, IM, and most definitely not in an email... that's not very personable.

I've got faith that you'll make the right choice though. It already seems like you've made up your mind anyway.

Good Luck!

[TrueFaith]

You say your secuer in what you are and what you do.
Yet you beat yourself up over it. In fact that's all you have done in your 2 posts
Is say how all this is your fault and how you don't make her happy and all that crap.
That does not sound like someone who is secuer in themselves
Yeah you are weak when it comes to her.

And the I don't ever want her to have to wonder how I really feel about her part. Well that shows that you are not so secuer with her.
People that do that are giving constant Reassurance. That is due there own insecurities.

And what has she sacrifice for you? You muppet.


And now you get defensive.

If your just going to defend yourself, until you hear an opinion that you like or what you want to hear, then there is no point in you being here.
You say your secuer with yourself and the relationship
Yet you feel strang about her being in a car with someone else at a lake for 2 hours
She felt so bad that she threw up.

Yeah hello that's called GUILT!

And that bit about ( I say this because she's like me ).
I mean what is that? If that was the case you would not have split up. And you would not have left her.
Now your regreting it.. that is normal but

Its like the mere thought of her being imperfect or yourself offends you

Well Then I leave you to go down this road.
Sadly I think it is a dead end.

But I wish you luck all the same

We get blinded at times and I feel that you are blind

Trust me I know the road you are going down.
I have warned you.

[Madyson]

The saying goes if you love it let it go if it comes back its yours. You sound like a good man I say go found your queen and leave her along .once a cheater always a cheater I was in this situation before and believe me there is someone Elsa out there that is waiting on a good man like you.

[Paramour]

You say your secuer in what you are and what you do.
yet you beat your self up over it. infact thats all you have done in your 2 posts
is say how all this is your fault and how you dont make her happy and all that crap.
that does not sound like someone who is secuer in them selfs
yeah you are weak when it comes to her.

and the I don't ever want her to have to wonder how I really feel about her part. well that shows that you are not so secuer with her.
people that do that are giving constant Reassurance. that is due there own insecurities.

and what has she sacrifice for you? you muppet.


And now you get defensive.

If your just going to defend your self, until you hear an opinion that you like or what you want to hear, then there is no point in you being here.
you say your secuer with your self and the relationship
yet you feel strang about her being in a car with someone eles at a lake for 2 hours
She felt so bad that she threw up.

yeah hello thats called GUILT!

and that bit about ( I say this because she's like me ).
i mean what is that? if that was the case you would not have split up. and you would not have left her.
now your regreting it.. that is normal but

its like the mere thought of her being imperfect or your self offends you

Well Then i leave you to go down this road.
sadly i think it is a dead end.

But i wish you luck all the same

we get blinded at times and i feel that you are blind

Trust me i know the road you are going down.
i have warned you.

I am, in fact very secure with myself... and like I said, I took your opinion and that's what I wanted... just because I don't agree with it doesn't mean that you have to question my integrity as a man and refer to me as "boy."

Being imperfect doesn't offend me... the plain and simple truth is, I have values that you obviously don't have... and just because I disagree with you doesn't mean that I'm going to disrespect you, as I feel you have done to me.

I'm almost 30 years old, boy... or girl... I know exactly know what road I could possibly be headed down... I've been around the block enough times to realize that...

Like I said though, I took your opinion... I respect your opinion, but that doesn't mean that I have to take it. To be one who is questioning the securities that I have within myself, you sure sound pretty insecure with the fact that I have some objections to your opinion.

Don't mean to be so brutally honest, but that's who I am. Like I said, I have values that others don't have. The way people look at my family through me matters to me, and that's something that I have every right in the world to be ashamed about.

I'm open to anyone's opinion, but God gave us all the ability to have what is called choice...

[Czosie]

Maybe because I am going threw the same sort of thing as you, wondering about hope and what will happen I can answer you this way.. If you sit down and really think about things, REALLY weigh everything that has gone on, how you have felt with this woman and how you feel about your relationship.. If you truly do love her and want to be with her I say there is always a chance to try.. If you don't try and give yourself that hope you may just regret it forever.. But again, I'm kind of bias considering I'm feeling the same way at the moment ;-)

[Paramour]

Yeah... it just irritates me that Faith questions the securities with myself... I feel like the boy/girl personally attacked my integrity, and that's not cool at all. I said that I respected the opinion and then get basically b*tched at for looking at things in a different light. At least I had enough respect for this person not to personally attack them...

Anyway, in my honest opinion, it's never too late to right a wrong. See, I have a problem with what I did because it goes against everything I am as a man, and obviously faith doesn't have a problem with lying to people because "they" say it's not a big deal... sorry, like I said, I have values and if you don't like them, then believe your own...

Back to the TOPIC at hand... This girl has NEVER given me a reason not to trust her. I'll admit that I got insecure.. that's a problem. I'm weak with her, yeah... but when it comes to taking care of her... she does not in any way run over me...

Hell, I have enough dignity to leave a house that I've paid for with my money to her and even pay the bills for the next month or two... the mortgage is almost paid up, so that's nothing to worry about. I could take care of that in a month's pay.

So yeah, sue me for caring about a girl that I was about to marry... it's not like that everyone else on here hasn't been in similar spots, as Czosie says.

And one more tiny thing and no more personal attacking... Faith, I realize that she's not perfect. I know I'm not perfect. I don't expect her to be perfect. I love her not only for the things I see and think are perfect, but for the imperfections too. I do not in any way expect myself to be perfect. I've been no angel in my time here on earth. I just set high expectations for myself. Goals if you will. That's the way you get places in life. Not by just settling for what you have, but working towards bigger and better things.

[Guidostern]

Okay... first and foremost, everyone needs to stop with all the personal attacking of each other... this is ridiculous.

Paramour, you need to obviously forgive yourself for the things you've done. I know you say you're strong and have your values... I do too, but are you strong for her when she needs you to be? If you're not, I'll tell you what... you are no good to her if you're weak. You have to remain strong and supportive, but also give into her needs from time to time... it's not healthy for you to be weak with her, not for her if you're not being strong enough to make her feel secure...

[talaniman]

Her mother actually has a non bias opinion between the two of us. This is because she doesn't want us to break up because I am so good to her daughter.

That's actually an example of bias. Mothers are always biased!

One thing that stands out, is her being unable to reconcile your working hours. You both have flaws, and since you can't work together, to solve them, then your leaving is a good choice at this time.

When the emotional dust settles, you will see things in a more realistic way. For now though, doesn't sound like you have enough time, to make her happy, and she needs more than you can give. Not an easy thing to bring about the bond, and communications needed to sustain a relationship.

Leave her alone, her mom too!

No, I wasn't there enough.

No, you weren't, and that's the problem.

[Paramour]

First, her mother called me... I have not initiated any contact with her, or her family since I left.

I'm actually trying to get on with another company that will allow me to be home more often. I have been growing tired of working so many hours, and it's starting to take its toll on more than my relationship, but my body too... so maybe I should sacrifice some money to make more time for her...

[talaniman]

I should sacrifice some money to make more time for her...

Naw, not a good idea at this point. Put her concerns aside, and make decision that are best for you, not her.

All due respect to moms, as I have one myself, she works in her daughters best interest, but may not be in touch with her daughters feelings. Polite but cautious to anything mom says. That's on the very real tip!!

I really think she has more issues than she has shown you, and you have only seen the tip of the iceberg so far.

[Paramour]

Well, I would be doing it for me too... the thing is, I'm not getting any younger and it's getting hard to work all these crazy hours and not get to rest much. With the new company, I would only work 65 hours a week and in the end, I would only lose about 500 a month, which in this business isn't hard to make up at all.

[EN Ken]

I personally see a couple of different issues here which I will address separately.

The first is the fact that you lied. As everyone else has said, if you lie it messes with the relationship. However, I'm more interested in why you lied. What was it that caused you to do so? Is it because that you wanted to appear like the guy who had everything taken care of? Or was it because you were afraid of making her angry?

The second is the fact that you spend so much time away from her. Yes, I understand that you work on an oil rig and do so to provide for a better future but this job is not compatible with a relationship. You cannot maintain a relationship with someone if you aren't spending any time with them. You NEED to spend time together because the time you spend together is one of the things that forms the basis of the relationship. And to state it bluntly, if you don't pay attention to her, SOMEONE ELSE WILL. Why else do you think she started going to clubs? Why else do you think she ended up spending time alone with a guy? She was looking for attention. A girl who dresses up really well to go to a club does so because she wants to attract attention from the men there.

If you're inclined to think that she didn't cheat on you, then believe that. I personally cannot say, but I know that there's a strong likelihood that she did. But let's give you the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't... THIS time. If you pay so little attention to her, it's only a matter of time until she finds someone who does pay more attention to her and you'll find yourself alone.

The last is again the lies, but this time as the reason for breaking up with you. I don't believe that that's the reason she broke up with you. I believe that that is what she tells you because that is the most identifiable thing. In reality, I think the situation is that she felt the desire to leave because she was being neglected due to your work demands so she did her best to find something that she could use as a reason to break up with you. In other words, her emotional needs were violated so she did her best to find a logical reason to break up with you and these lies were it.

If you want to fix things with her, I would suggest completely starting over. If she's prepared to try and work on things, then you have to proceed as though you guys had never dated. Start dating like any two people would at the beginning of a relationship. Spend time together and get to know one another. You guys need to rebuild everything from the beginning because the relationship has been neglected for too long.

Good luck.

[Paramour]

Well, to start, I know that the lies is what began to destroy the relationship... I've never doubted that. I know that it is my time away from her that has caused this too.

Now, for the update... It's been a little over a week since my last post and I've started with another company that has me home more... and they promise it will stay that way. I don't have to go traveling from one place to another (other states and areas of the state) anymore. We started talking again and I'm taking it really slow. She calls me every night and we talk for hours sometimes. Yeah, I'm still working 12 hour days, but just 4-5 days a week now instead of 7-14 like I did at other times with the other place.

Anyway, we're actually starting to find out what brought us together to begin with. She respects what I've been doing (as far as getting a job with better hours) and appreciates the fact that I'm making more time for her.

We talked last night about the thing with this other guy. She swore to me that she didn't do anything with him, and if I wanted to confront him that she would support the choice to do so. Most of our friends, and even my own friends don't think she did anything with him, and like I said; she's never given me a reason to not trust her in the past...

She said that since we've been split up all she's been doing is working out and staying at home because she started to feel so guilty about hanging out with this guy. I haven't been able to see her yet, but she's coming over to my place in a few hours so we can have a face to face. I'm currently in the process of getting everything set up so we can have a romantic dinner and stuff... I bought her some flowers, her favorites, and even got a bottle of wine... which I don't drink, but she loves it...

So, things are going REALLY slow and I'm happy that I decided to make the choice that I'm making so far... but we'll see where it ends up pretty soon...