[UPSETCONFUSED]

I want to apologize in advance because this is going to read like a Springer show based on the situation but it's unfortunately my realisty and I would really like some advice from anybody out there.

My girlfriend and I moved to Denver a month ago. Before we left to move here I wasn't working for two months for really no reason. During that time I was kind of being a mooch and clearly we didn't go to many nice places since I didn't have money. All that said she scored a great job out here and asked me to still come.

I've been here for three weeks and didn't get a job, I have no excuse as I'm more than capable. I left for the weekend to help out my parents in Florida and when I came back everything seemed to be fine.

Two days later she says she wants to break up but obviously I live here now and really don't have anywhere to go and she understands that. I've since moved into the other room. Three days later her parents come into town and they look at me and treat me like I have some kind of disease. On the second night they are here they went out without me and I was on the internet and saw that my girlfriend had taken out an ad on an internet dating site while I was out of town for the weekend.

She write me an email and I confronted her about it and she didn't have much to say. She comes back that night and I just blew up and said some harsh words. The next day she drops her parents off and when she comes back she goes in the other room and I saw her cell phone was sitting around and I looked at the messages and low and behold there's a guy texting her back and forth and I'm just crushed. She comes out of the room and I confront her again and this time we have it out. I'm arguing that I can't believe she had me come out here across the United States only to have this happen three weeks later. The argument becomes heated and it resulted in me just smashing her phone into a million pieces and just leaving and breaking down.

She saw me about two hours later doing some work in the garage and came in to talk to me and we had a real heart to heart. At that point I was four days into trying to work things out by doing the things I need to including job hunting, cleaning and contributing to things anyway I can.

The past few days we've had some real good conversations but she's still talking to this guy. Of course I've stopped yelling and I can't even believe myself that I destroyed that phone but even that's history about now. She said she doesn't want to take the risk of shelving this guy because she has no reason to believe I'm going to change.

I've spent the last six days doing everything in my power to make changes. She's noticing because instead of being upset I used free passes to go to a gym every morning, I've cooked dinner, cleaned and have very actively been job hunting and expect to have at least something by the end of the week as two of the jobs called back for live interviews. Her family probably hates me and their important to her and she has a guy whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

Once again were talking, I live here and will be here for two more months because we only took a three month lease so we could find a place we liked before taking another if we didn't like the one we came too. I'm doing everything I can and even bought a pumpkin which seemed to make her happy and said "it's one of the nicest things I've ever done." She should be receiving a card I sent to her at work today that is not to outlandish and just says I would like to go with her to the zoo this weekend and just general kind stuff. I haven't raised my voice in conversation, haven't cut her off and we've talked for hours.

She's clearly deliberating things. At the same time I know there's this other guy she's talking to daily and while I have the desire to go look at her phone while she's in the shower I don't because it only makes it hurt more. I am trying my best in a horrible situation and the sad part is that I do love this girl and the thought of her leaving is eating at me. I'm trying to fight off every impulse move I get, don't want to look pathetic at the same time I feel like if I'm not trying I've just given up.

I've made my point known that if she does want to try and work stuff out for the next forty five days and take things slowly I'm so down for that but she has to say goodbye to this new guy she's met a total of once but spoken to for the past week. I have nothing to trully offer but my word that things are going to get better, he's a kind word in her ear who's a home owner, has a solid job and probably looks like the lottery compared to me about now.

I'm not going to sit on here and rip myself because it's not the past at this point it's only what I can do to change in and this morning I went to the gym for the third day in a row which hasn't happened in years, I've dropped forty applications in the past three days, cleaned until it looked like I have OCD and she's noticing and just the idea that she has expressed the possibility of making things work is not lip service as she's not that way.

I guess here is my question. She will receive my card today and it's nice and will be well received. She emailed me about an hour ago that she just wants to come home tonight, eat dinner and go in her room so she can have some alone time to think about things. Clearly that will include talking to the guy on the phone or via email. I have no chance to really work things out with another guy in the picture but after my stupid blowups I've come to the conclussion it's my fault there's somebody else in the picture in the first place so when I get mad it's only at myself and I've stopped asking about him and just kept the focus to me and what I can do to change things.

Now my question would be, should I just back off now completely and just go about my day or should I continue to keep feeling like I'm on needles in hopes that the next email is from her. I guess I'm looking for advice on my next move and if there should even be one at all. Obviously I'm very upset about the situation and angry with myself but that's to be expected. I have or had in this present situation an incredible girlfriend and I know what I'm about to lose if that's what it comes too and it kills me.

Sorry this is so long and if you have any questions please ask and I'll probably give you a five million word reply as I'm honestly looking for some solid help here.

Thank you in advance!

[TrueFaith]

Get out of there man seriously..

What are you doing to yourself?

Your staying around in a place where. Your girlfriend is keeping you on the back burner.

She does not want to be with you. Yet she does not want to be alone.
So she is seeing if things will work out with this guy.

Trust me on this one. The second she gets someone she will kick you out.

Best to leave now and save your pride. I know it is a lot easier said than done.

Get your life back together without her.

And its not about the job. Yes you should be working and all that. But we all have our times. Where we just slob around for a bit

And there is nothing wrong with that.
As long as you get back out there. Which is what you are doing...
If she had a problem with you working she should have said something or worked it out
Or not even asked you to move up with her.

Bottom line is. She found someone else that sparked her intrested and does not have the guts to be alone or kick you out... (yet)

So I will say this again

Leave now man. Go to your parents place
And work on your life.

Because if you stay there. You will just get hurt.
All this talk does not help that's it all it is. Words nothing else
You still don't sleep together
And she is still texting the other dude

So come on. Don't hurt yourself anymore

Best of luck

[UPSETCONFUSED]

We talked about the job thing for a long time and I was bumming around for about six months out of a year. I'm not making excuses for her by any means, I was wrong.

That said I can't go anywhere as I don't have the money to do so right now and my parents place is really not an option.

I know that I'm beating on myself and putting myself through a world of hurt but I kind of brougth it on myself.

I'm not discounting what you're saying whatsoever as I appreciate the advice but I really want to try and work things out and I'm just looking to see if anybody feels there's an angle to do so.

I do believe I have found a job and if I can confirm it later today I'll make it known. She does like me and I haven't heard the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" nonsense yet but at the same time I'm not stupid and I know while I have these emotional talks with her there's somebody else who's having nice talks with her.

I know, I'm an idiot and wasting time but in all honesty I'll probably be here for the next two months for better or for worse because I wasn't working and don't have anywhere to go. Like I said... Springer.

[ZoeMarie]

You've talked to her about wanting to work things out, so now the ball is in her court. I would start looking for a place to stay regardless because if things don't work out you're not going to want to be there when she starts bring guys over.

[UPSETCONFUSED]

She won't do that. Believe me on this one she's probably one of the most selfless people in the world. She wouldn't even offer information about the guy, would never rub it in and certainly would never bring somebody here. I know this for a fact. Trust me when I was going off I said, please just get me out of here if this is what's going to go on. I know I'm stuck here for at least six weeks to get the proper money to get out and it's tough especially when you know the person you love is talking to you and then leaves for work and is on the phone with somebody else. I made my own bed here and unfortunately I have to lay in it also. I just don't understand why somebody would want you to go around the country knowing that you weren't being the best guy only to finally move on three weeks later after you're living together. It's horrible. Thanks for your advice.

[Hazel1220]

Obviously you do not know her as well as you thought you did considering all the circumstances. Look she knows you want to work it out and perhaps you moving out will give her space to truly appreciate you. It also might give you the ability to gain some confidence in you rability to make in a new city on your own and to show you that you can be strong and independent.
What you are doing right now is hurting you and crippling your chances to stay mentally healthy. I am not going to tell you to stay there and try to work it cause you want to hear it. I think it is a bad idea. Space and respect of privacy is what you need. Also try to meet new people and make some friends to create a life for yourself away from hers. Good luck.

[bigbird213]

If I could point one thing out its this...

I notice that you are making a lot of (needed) changes in your life. For this, you should be commended. Being a more committed partner, having a stable job, etc, etc, are all noble traits...

What concerns me is this. You appear to be making all of these changes for one reason - her. You want to change so that she will reconsider. You want to change so that you won't lose her - and thats a problem.

What happens if it doesn't work, or what happens if she leaves down the road? Your basing too much of your life around someone who isn't yourself. You must learn that your happiness can depend on you and ONLY YOU. Until that is the case, you will rely on someone else for happiness - and that's unfair to them.

Sorry if that's a little off-topic, but I think its valuable advice nonetheless...

[UPSETCONFUSED]

Thanks to everybody who has replied so far. Obviously by the looks of your responses the writing is very much on the wall even if it's not what I want to hear. I'm a realist and I put my chances at about 35%. I fu&%ed up and I guess I just have to go to work, get the money together and get out. While I hold out hope I'll say again that I'm a realist and kind of know the score and maybe I just needed some other ears to hear it and just confirm it for me. I even suspect that if she wants to work it out, see a counselor which was brought up by her that things may still not move on. That said I'm rambling but I want to thank you all for your advice and taking the time to respond.

[bigbird213]

I want to clarify that I'm not saying it won't work. Perhaps it will, I just hope that you can change your mindset and make the required changes for you. After all, in this world, you are the ONLY person worth changing yourself for - Remember that.

It's a tough spot, but by remaining in the same place, it is really hard to give her the space to think and decide for herself. It's a dangerous situation, but if truly have no other options then I think you should do your best to go about your thing, and let her be... Your actions will speaking louder than your words, be them negative or positive...

[Hazel1220]

It is good that you are taking responsibility for your actions that have been detrimental to the relationship. But be careful about accepting too much blame. Do not put yourself down too much because it is ALWAYS about both parties. Learn from your mistakes but keep in mind that maybe it just wasn't a good match or the timing was wrong. You sound like a nice guy who really cares. Keep your head up.

[UPSETCONFUSED]

Seriously, I want to thank everybody here because you're input is wonderful and really selfless and kind of you.

I'm making these changes for myself, sure it's been prompted by what's occurred here but I know I can be a much better person that I've been and I need to be that person with or without her. If she was the catalyst for this behavioral change then so be it.

I wish I could give her the space she needs now, believe me. I've been closing my door on purpose and trying to just keep busy.

She wants to eat dinner tonight and watch Jeopardy (one of our things) and I just don't want to do anymore of this heavy talk tonight because I don't want to be the only party in her ear creating stress and being emotional.

That said her parents are down on me and they are very important to her. I would write them to apologize but I think that would be a disaster as I know they would come around if they heard good things and that we were going nice places and so forth but that can't happen unless I get another chance.

Anyhow, once again thanks to everybody!

[JBeaucaire]

The writing may well be on the wall. I won't dismiss that probability.

But I would like to add that the only changes that most men make are motivated from within themselves to accomplish something better, usually because of a loss they've experienced. You're in the process of losing this girl. In may have happened already.

So what? Do not let this dissuade you from the life corrections you are trying to implement. Do them anyway. Do them because more than anything else, you need to have a life. You need to DO something with your life that is worth looking up to, you know? Mooching off your girlfriend and going through her cell phone doesn't add much to the world you live in, does it?

Job, friends, hobbies, charity to others... you need to get all of these things in place. And your corrected attitude about helping around the house is a HUGE step in the right direction, right? Make sure it's not a fleeting habit, make it permanent.

I'm not going to suggest outright you can win this girl back this way, but it's not completely impossible. And if it does happen, then you are in a better place in your own life when it does happen so you'd BE a better boyfriend all the way around.

And if it doesn't happen, then you're still in a better place in your own life, so you win either way.

You should go see the movie FIREPROOF, in the theaters right now. Even if you have to drive a ways, find a theater that is showing it and see it. The movie presents new ways of looking at marriage and "Fireproofing" your marriage.

I know you're not married, and I know the movie's Christian morality may not be your thing, but the concepts in general this movie presents about loving and being a loving companion are something every couple should think about. Go see it.

And in the meantime, keep looking for things to add to your life that are admirable. That means you have to stop thinking about yourself (and your love life) as the sole reason you make any particular choice. Become PART of the big picture.

If this girl doesn't find the new you worth sticking with, you'll be someone worth sticking with for SOME girl, and you'll find her and keep her much more readily by having your act together.

[talaniman]

True you screwed up on her dime, and that was terrible.

Get off your butt, and get over it! You have work to do for you!

Forget the guy putting a buzz in her ear, and forget what she wants to do, or will do.

None of that is relevant to the main point of getting your own act together, and supporting yourself, and anything else you want from life.

Just me, get off her dime
And work yourself into a better life. The rest will work out like it will.

Just make sure you let her know you appreciate the time it took you, to get on your feet, and be the man you want to be.

I'd wish you luck, but you've had enough of that, so make it what you will.