[wildfilee]

I am new Ask Me and have joined because I don't know what else to do. I am wreething in emotional pain. This is going to be kind of a long post because it is complicated. I come from a dysfunctional home and had an extremely bad childhood. I vowed when and if I had children that I would be nothing like my own mother but would be loving, etc. I married at 25 and had my son at age 26. I was so happy and so filled with love for the very first time in my life. I felt my son was a gift from God but my low self-esteem prevented me from feeling I fully deserved this wonderful little person which was bestowed upon me. I raised my son with love. There were always plenty of hugs and soft voices instead of the screaming and degrading which went on in my childhood. However it was always a battle not to do the things my mother did such as name calling, yelling, etc. I showered my son with lavish toys clothes, etc, but was always afraid to get too close to him for fear that my low self-esteem would somehow rub off on him or that I would somehow do something wrong as a parent so I always walked on eggshells around my son even while he was a young toddler. Some of the ways I showed love, in addition to plenty of verbal "I love you, you are special" and plenty of hugs, was also plenty of presents which had no occasion attached to them. I was by no means a perfect parent and realize now that I must have done something really awful to my son that I Have no memory for because of the way I am treated by him. When my son was 3, his father and I divorced. When my son was 5, my ex-husband remarried and I asked my exhusband to take my son and have him live with him because I was afraid to raise him by myself because I didn't want to "ruin" him. From the age of 5, my son went to live with his dad and his stepmom, 1 mile from me. I saw my son twice a week during the week and every Friday, Saturday and Sunday which was how I wanted it (as much as possible). At age 14, my husband divorced from his then wife and moved to North Carolina with our son who made the decision to go with his dad after I had told him I would love for him to move in with me and stay in California. He though decided to move to North Carolina, much to my dismay. I only saw my son a few times over the new few high schoolyears in North Carolina and flew from CA to NC for his HS graduation. He then went to Annapolis and him to have any ties to his either. He is close with his dad in North Carolina whom he has seen marry 6 times now. My son is staying married to his wife because he does not want to be a statistic. I am now living in Chandler, AZ and my son is in San Diego, California. I have tried to speak with him over the last five years to get him to be openly angry with me but he states he is not angry. He can go months without talking to me. When he married in Guam, I did not receive a wedding invitation just an annoucement which said I was missed at the ceremony and reception. I was just diagnosed with breast cancer three weeks ago. My sister emailed my son to tell him that he could stay at her house when he came to AZ for my breast surgery and he informed her that he was not coming. Four days after my breast surgery, my niece (siser's daughter) was involved in a MVA where she drunk boyfriend crashed her car and left her for dead on the freeway. She is okay now, but I was the one who called my son and told him. He drove out here that night to be with his cousin. This was a further slap in the face. My son is constantly telling me he cares about me but his actions are always saying the opposite. When I saw him at the hospital last week with my niece, there was a bruise on my arm. My ex-husband had come out as a friend just to help me after my surgery because I had no one; he asked me If my ex husband had done that to my arm and how could I be so stupid and that if he found out that my ex put that bruise on my arm, etc. etc. My son is constantly giving me mixed messages and I feel hates me but refuses to talk with me. He once told my sister that he didn't think he and I would ever reconcile. In the meantime, I still don't know what I have done to deserve this much pain from my son. I can no longer take these mixed messages. I emailed my son last night for a small loan. He asked me how much I needed and I answered him, thrilled that he wanted to help me. Now I haven't heard from him in over 15 hours. I am so confused and hurt, I don't know what to do anymore. I keep saying I am just going to write him off but I can't . My love for my son won't let me. My son can be very very cold, like coming for my niece and driving almost 6 hours but refusing to come for my surgery. To everyone around here, that is so cold. I would really appreciate any answers anyone could possibly give me. Thanks much. :(:(

[Wondergirl]

At the age of three, your son lost his family unit. At the age of five, he lost his mother. At the age of fourteen, he lost his step-mother. The only real constant in his life has been his father, such as he is.

It sounds like you try to whip up a lot of emotional drama around your son -- from "I have tried to speak with him over the last five years to get him to be openly angry" to "there was a bruise on my arm" (where did it come from? And did you explain this to your son?) to emailing him to ask for a small loan.

You wrote "my son can be very very cold." It doesn't sound like he's cold as much as protecting his heart from your accusations that he doesn't love you and your haranguing him for more attention. Throughout your post, you speak more of your need for love (because of your own background) than how you can give love--real, selfless, unconditional love--to him.

Please understand. I am not criticizing you. There are far too many moms like you who had a terrible childhood and then produced a child to get the love they never got from their own parents.

Please find a family counselor for at least a few sessions. You need to talk through this and figure out with an unbiased person how better to approach and react to your son.

You have my best wishes!

[wildfilee]

Wow, Wondergirl. I truly hope y ou are not a licensed therapist. Perhaps you should get the facts and all the facts prior to giving an answer in much the manner that you did. The most self-liss thing I did for my son was giving him to his dad but I always had joint legal and physical custody. I was in my son's life more than most parents who live with their children.

Haranquing him? How would you know this? Remind me never to ask you a question again. Please don't rely to any of my questions. Perhaps I should go to counseling. That's actually pretty funny, considering the source...

I have always been there for my son and he knows it, both financially, emotionally, etc. Perhaps you have helped me to see that he is now an adult and this is his issue, not mine. Perhaps you need to seek therapy before you give any further screwey answers and completely mess up peoples' lives with your completely biased opinions.

Who are you anyway, MOTHER THERESA? :) Have a Great Day. Don't give anymore opinions. Do All of us a favor!

[Wondergirl]

Perhaps you have helped me to see that he is now an adult and this is his issue, not mine.

I did read your post, and more than once. Apparently your son has a different understanding from you as to why you gave him up years ago. Children want their parents to stay together, no matter what. Even grownup children never give up that feeling, even though they finally begin to understand a little bit of what pushed their parents apart into divorce. Children, even grown ones, never see and understand things from a parent's perspective simply because they are different people and saw things from an entirely different point of view.

Yes, it is also his issue, as you say. The ideal thing would be for both of you to get into a counseling situation together, but your physical distance, living in two different states, prevents that. As I said, you (or you and he) need an unbiased person who will let you express all your anger and frustration, and then who will offer suggestions and set goals for you to reestablish the loving relationship the two of you had when he was young.

[J_9]

I agree with Wondergirl. You did not wish to be your parents, yet it seems as though you went to the extremes and ended up being just like them in a different way.

Children don't need lavish clothes and toys growing up.. this is spoiling them.

You see, your ex was married how many times? 6 or 7? The women in his life always let him down. It was your husband who was the constant or the rock of his life. He was always there for your son.

I have lived through breast cancer myself... It's not that life threatening anymore, especially when diagnosed early. Yet your niece was left for dead.

And the bruise... big deal. I get them all the time. Oh, the drama. It seems as though you are playing "Oh, woe is me" with your son to get attention.

I believe you need to check your attitude. You came here looking for help... You get what you pay for!!

[sealguardian]

Ma'am,

With all due respect to your problems with your son, posting the problem may not be the best of solutions.

SEALs are notoriously protective of their private lives. This is perhaps an understatement, but it is on the right theme.

Beyond which, it should be noted that the SEALs, or members thereof, monitor the web for anything related to them. Your post qualifies.

Finally, I do with you the best of luck, but remember that your son is now very different than when you knew him. Ignoring all the rest of passing time, he is a SEAL... this changes him a bit, and makes him a rather extraordinary individual. The training required tends to affect people (positively, mind you). Not something that can be explained, just something that is. They respond poorly to people looking for pity, to needy individuals. This tone does come through in your post, true or not. Weakness is almost a disease, and will generally be avoided like a plague.

[sylvan_1998]

What struck me the most about your post was you have given the utmost thought to how to change what your perception of what happened to you growing up. But what about your sons perception? I know you encourage him to open up to you but men don't really do this as a rule.

Second you want him to accept you for what you could give now accept him for what he can give. Tell him you were hurt he did not come for your surgery. Sounds as if the cousin was more life or death. Not the best calibration to use for when to come, but it is the one he used. As for 15 hours, he may be arguing with his wife to get you the loan, working on where he has the cash, or just working and not on email.

Bottom line is maybe he is loving you the best that he can.

[smearcase]

If your decisions about raising your son resulted in an individual capable of completing the Naval Academy and Seal training, you did good!

[asking]

Read "The courage to raise good men" and you may gain some insights into why you and your son are not close.

As for the loan, I don't think you should have asked to borrow money from him given your poor relationship. He asked how much probably hoping it was something small. Apparently it was more than he wanted to lend you and he dreaded saying no, so he will now avoid you. Asking for money from a friend or family member who doesn't want to be asked is the perfect way to drive them away.