[marcantony]

Hi, long time lurker finally posting.

I dated a single mum for over 2 years, accepting both her children as my own and they both treated me as their real dad. Her son is 4 and her baby girl now 2 years.

Prior to that we had been good friends for over a year with me always being there for support during her divorce and custody case. Her ex has a long criminal record of violence especially against women, and he continued beating her while she was pregnant with Leanie which is what eventually caused her to leave him. I met her through a friend at work.

Her ex also quit his job and claimed financial hardship which got him out of alimony. And cashed in all his superannuation and then spent that and all his savings on an xbox and pay TV. There's no money left for the children's schooling or anything.
Hes even tried to have welfare payments to her cut off as a form of revenge, never once thinking the position he put his children in.

However eventually her exhusband was determined not to let her have any happiness and wanted me out of the picture. This is despite his going through and beating numerous girlfriends in the meantime. Then when threats against me didn't work he started hinting something might happen to their children. The police wouldn't act because he's never harmed children before only adults, and denied what we said.

Then there were 2 different news stories here about 2 fathers who killed their sons during custody visits and it was enough to scare her into making me leave.
At first she said it was a short break but I already felt this wasn't true, and she would let me see the children once a month and talk to them on the phone.

But then she started getting ruder and ruder to me and three months ago said if I kept getting emotional when saying goodbye to the children I wouldn't be allowed to see them again. I haven't heard from her since.
A month later one of my cousins died and a month after that one of my aunts (yeah, this year has totally sucked). I told her both times via email and she gave condolences but didn't bother to check on me beyond that. And September was her sons birthday and I wasn't invited. Despite her having promised I could see the children on their birthdays.

I am well over her now especially after her more recent treatment of me and Im in the stage where I don't want to talk to her.

But..

I still miss the children terribly, especially the baby girl. He never showed any interest in her, refusing to sign her birth certificate in the hopes he wouldn't have to pay any alimony that way. Didn't attend her birth, but I did. And she seemed like such a little gift to me.

I miss how when Id go to visit she'd give me a big smile upon seeing me and run up and give me one of her little hugs. Or how theyd both drag me to the lounge, pull out their toys and pass them to me to play with them. And later theyd pick a book for me to read to them. Or if her son was with her ex the girl would pull out the puppet stage Id bought her and place her favourite finger puppets on my fingers and then point to the stage, indicating I had to start the show. Their mum would usually be housecleaning or doing some other thing on her own while I looked after the kids.
I even miss how if we all went out somewhere if the children felt nervous theyd automatically hug my legs for protection.
And what I really miss most is that unconditional love that children give you.

I still cry when I think about never seeing the children again and Ive had all my friends and work colleagues (especially female ones) tell me to forget her, and just find someone else and have my own children.

I am over her but how do I get over the children?

[mikedem7]

If you are a religious man it will help. But you will never get over the children. It is like losing a piece of yourself.

[Bluerose]

It is a very, very difficult situation but unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about it. You have to distance yourself and get on with your own life. Hopefully you will get your wish and meet someone who is deserving of your attention and have some children of your own. I'm so sorry.

[talaniman]

In time you will feel less and less, be patient, and keep living your own life.

[marcantony]

In time you will feel less and less, be patient, and keep living your own life.

Yes, the first 2 weeks were the worst. I work for the salvation army retail shops and whenever Id sort or hang out children's clothes I was just about in tears. That doesn't happen now although I still find I have to stop myself automatically buying clothes and toys for the children.
Im almost the opposite now, wanting to adopt every baby a customer brings in.

I still have a big tonka excavator Id gotten for her son for his birthday and a fold out dollhouse for her girl, but my dad told me to just keep them for my own children.

I have to say the guides I found on this site were very helpful to my dealing with the breakup even if I didn't fully follow the no contact rule at the start. Im also at the questioning stage; did the last 2 years mean nothing then? What did I do that was so bad?

Although she insisted I did nothing wrong and I deserved someone better than her. The problem always was whatever her ex said to her (especially things like she's a bad mother, selfish) she'd always believe. Whereas if I tried to tell her it wasn't true and say good things about her she wouldn't believe me. I recognised it as signs of depression having been through it myself many years ago but couldn't seem to help her.

Our mutual friend was telling me about how her son always asks why I don't play with him anymore and even the girl will wonder through rooms calling her name for me. But Ive asked her to stop because it was too painful for me to hear. She said understood and hasn't said anything about her since. Although it gets me that their mom is telling them that I don't come around because Im always busy with work, making it sound like its my fault. I guess she's just hoping that over time they'll forget me.

A guide to dealing with losing children would be good here. Im sure there must be divorced parents here who for whatever reason don't get to see their children or their exs give them a lot of trouble over it.


Anyway thanks for the replies.

[Bluerose]

I hope everything gets easier soon. You were right to ask the friend to stop passing on information. It doesn't help to be reminded of something so painful.

Enjoy all the other children who come into your life. Sounds like you have a lot to give.

Being important in the life of a child is a good thing - any child. Good luck.