[cyclecruiser]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months. Recently, he has become increasingly clingy. He feels that we should spend any time outside of our jobs or school (we are both full-time students) together. When I am unable to give him the amount of time he deems appropriate, we fight. We argue about this situation at LEAST three times a week and nothing ever changes. He thinks that I should try harder to devote more time to him and doesn’t think it’s ever necessary to do things apart. When I desire to do things without him, such as homework or activities with friends, he gets angry and says he should be able to do it with me. He also ruins good situations with negativity. For example, I was telling him what a great weekend I had had spending it with him every day, which he interrupted with the comment, “well we’re not going to get to see each other very much this week so it doesn’t matter.”

This situation has me feeling so weak and emotionally drained. We get along very well and agree about nearly everything else, but this is something we can’t seem to reconcile. I need space to myself, but the constant arguing and negotiating make me want to just surrender in order to not fight anymore. It is so embarrassing to have to answer every single phone call to avoid being yelled at for “ignoring him,” and I am mortified that my friends and roommates can hear us fighting on the phone so many nights in the breezeway. I have even reduced my hours at work and turned down many, many social invitations to make him happy. I want this relationship to work, but I don’t know what else to do because my efforts don't ever seem to satisfy. How can we reach a compromise?

[Revival]

Ditch him. He's trying to create a level of control and so far you've bent his way. Take a stand tell him to buck up you're two separate people and either tell him to take it or you should leave.

[JBeaucaire]

No, don't ditch him yet. There is a lot going well. But he apparently doesn't realize what it takes to make a good boyfriend.

My suggestion is much harder than ditching him. Break up with him, then ask him out. Let him know you're ditching the bf/gf titles because it's clear he doesn't understand how to respect your needs. So, you backtrack things to the point where he had to ask to spend time with you on specific occasions, like when you first started going out.

Said simpler, remove all the assumptions. Be loving and kind, but since you don't put up with strangers trying to impose on your life in unwelcome ways, you give him the same treatment.

And stop the arguing. When he says something harsh and rude and argumentative, ignore it, agree to the facts of what he said (if any are true, own it), and then say pleasantly, "See you later." And walk away calmly.

Believe it or not it DOES take two people to argue. Him being rude on his own while you semi-ignore it isn't an argument. If you want any hope of getting him to stop, stop participating in it.

If he acts the gentleman, spend time with him. The moment he starts acting "too familiar" and lets controlling stuff back in, chuckle it off and walk away. Any other response will feed his incorrect behaviors.

[cyclecruiser]

No, don't ditch him yet. There is a lot going well. But he apparently doesn't realize what it takes to make a good boyfriend.

My suggestion is much harder than ditching him. Break up with him, then ask him out. Let him know you're ditching the bf/gf titles because it's clear he doesn't understand how to respect your needs. So, you backtrack things to the point where he had to ask to spend time with you on specific occasions, like when you first started going out.

Said simpler, remove all the assumptions. Be loving and kind, but since you don't put up with strangers trying to impose on your life in unwelcome ways, you give him the same treatment.

And stop the arguing. When he says something harsh and rude and argumentative, ignore it, agree to the facts of what he said (if any are true, own it), and then say pleasantly, "See you later." And walk away calmly.

Believe it or not it DOES take two people to argue. Him being rude on his own while you semi-ignore it isn't an argument. If you want any hope of getting him to stop, stop participating in it.

If he acts the gentleman, spend time with him. The moment he starts acting "too familiar" and lets controlling stuff back in, chuckle it off and walk away. Any other response will feed his incorrect behaviors.

Thank you for the great advice. I think this is the best approach for this situation. The issue, I think, is stemming from the fact that the BF thinks he is somehow "entitled" to my time and has a right to demand it when he wants it, not enjoy or respect it!

I will also keep your advice in mind when it comes to arguing. It is so easy to get irritated and start going back and forth when egos are bruised. It is much harder (but much better) to be the bigger person and just walk away from a pointless argument. Thank you again for your great advice.

[JBeaucaire]

Last night I asked my wife something that really irritated her. She answered me but put me down pretty hard at the same time. I just looked at her and said, "Thank you for the information. I'll walk away now since staying means I will be angry and I doubt you meant that as meanly as you said it."

Then I really did let it go. I know I ask the same question several times (in her mind), and I know that can be irritating. Love can bear all things, even rudeness.

It takes two people to argue, and only 1 to avoid it.

[Revival]

If you don't mind me asking... what the hell did you say? Lol

[Theprincess36]

Please tell me, has there ever been any abuse in this relationship? Verbal or physical? I am asking only because when there are such obvious signs of "control" factors, it raises issues of power and eventually abuse. I hope that is not the case, but when someone wants to control the others time and manipulate their mind and life the way you have described, i.e... spending less time at work, no time to yourself, eliminating friends, him feeling "entitled" to your time, there are issues greater than just what your looking at... Keeping you ALL to HIMSELF is a big big red flag that can mis read as "Gee he must really love me to want to spend ALL his time with me". When in reality it is "your mine, I control your every move" Be very careful, and keep your eyes WIDE open. Remember, you are your OWN person, YOU should get to CHOOSE your every day life and your every day doings, if he RESPECTS you as an individual he will understand that. Individual, is the key word here. Good Luck...