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kokobear · Oct 10, 2008, 08:12 AM

Hi I found this forum while sitting here trying to problem solve what my son is doing. I am a single parent. My sons father is not involved in my sons life and has never been since we split up 11 years ago. No big loss, he was very abusive to me. Once I got through the healing process I enrolled in college (I was 36 at this time) and obtained my high school and a Bachelor degree. This took me 6 years and I had no outside help. I incurred a huge student loan debt. Another 5 years of working towards getting a fulltime time position (I worked seasonally for 4 months out of a year during this time) in my chosen field I FINALLY was able to find very good employment a little more than a year ago. Now I should mention that all those years of schooling and pursuing my career I went through 2 crappy relationships, moved across the country more times than I care to remember and my son never really had a lot of stability many kids get from living in the same local. We had moved again 6 months ago. All the moving was very hard on him and I had to seek counseling for him a few times to deal with the transitions.
Last spring after our last move my son got into trouble at his new school. He said something very stupid and just to make a long story short he ended up being suspended from school and then arrested. My family were of no support and it was a very difficult time for both of us. I was hopeful however that his going into a new school (Highschool) that he would find his place. Well I know he took up smoking pot over the summer and I haven't been able to get him to stop. I don't give him money and he doesn't have a job so I don't know how he is obtaining it... I suspect he doesn't get it a lot. For the past month now I been getting increasing calls from his school (recorded msgs) that he has missed quite a few classes or been late. I have to leave for work early so he has to get himself up and ready for school. I try to call home at 8:30 to make sure he is up but that isn't working either, he just goes back to sleep after we hang up. He is getting a bad attitude about school and I have noticed that he displays more anger and arrogance towards me when I try to tell him he has to go to school if he is to make anything out of himself. He just doesn't seem to care. He watched me go through 6 years of schooling... years of near poverty... of my trying to break into the ranks of full time (not easy when your 40 something). I try to tell him NOT to wait like I did to get an education. He sees how I still struggle. Today I didn't go to work because I didn't even have enough money for gas (its a 40 minute drive) and because I wanted to observe how he was getting himself up. His alarm went off for an hour without him once turning it off, then again for 30 minutes after I told him to shut it off and get up. I was quite angry with him and his backtalk this morning and he took off without taking his schoolbooks. I called the school to get them to call me if he didn't show up. He didn't. I was so mad I took his xbox and put it in my car. I have already changed the password on the computer to limit his time on it. He doesn't get an allowance so I don't know what else I can do to get him to take school seriously. I am afraid that he will end up dropping out. Part of me just wants to give up and let him do whatever he wants. Another part of me says to keep at him and hope he turns around. This has been having negative affects on me at work and I feel very depressed and at a loss. I don't know where this is going to lead. Is there anything I can do to turn him around?

ScottGem · Oct 10, 2008, 08:17 AM

Military school?

JBeaucaire · Oct 10, 2008, 08:55 AM

Military school is an awesome idea.

You can also try bribing him. I know the money might end up paying for drugs, but at least he's in school. $50 for every week he gets no absences and misses no classes. You check EVERY class to make sure he attends them all.

$100 for every class he gets a C in (or better). If he's there AND learning, that can eventually override druggie behavior.

Put him in control of his own access to luxuries. The XBox and computer privileges and TV privileges are only there on days he didn't skip school, and on weekends where he didn't skip a single day during the previous week. Totally his call.

kokobear · Oct 10, 2008, 08:57 AM

I am in Canada... I haven't heard if there is such a thing here... but I would seriously consider this as a solution.

liz28 · Oct 10, 2008, 08:57 AM

The only thing I can suggest is tough love, which your are doing already. It's good that you got your life together. Have your son ever been on counseling? The only other thing I can suggest is to inquire about the scare straight program from your police department or boot camps. The only thing is boot camp can be expensive. It seems you have already taken the right steps so far. I would take anything out of his room and only live the bed since he can't listen. My mom did that to me once when I was a teenager.

ScottGem · Oct 10, 2008, 09:02 AM

Try googling Canada Military schools

kokobear · Oct 10, 2008, 09:04 AM

JBeau you also may have something there however my income is still not really my own if you know what I mean. I started that thing with computer access or lackthereof every time I get calls from the school... I am just not sure if paying him to go to school is wise? He is my only child and I have spent so many years trying to do the best I could with the resources I had that now I have this horrible gutwrenching fear he will run away. I just don't want to lose him!

kokobear · Oct 10, 2008, 09:32 AM

Just googled Military Schools and yes they are very expensive... 6 grand short of my annual salary... per year. It's a rich kids club. Son still is gone... he left with no coat this morning... I guess I will just have to wait to see if he will come home... or should I worry if he started to hitchhike anywhere... is there anyone I should call I wonder?

JBeaucaire · Oct 10, 2008, 12:18 PM

I'm a parent, too, had a bit of this to deal with, so I say this with a clear understanding of how difficult it is to accept: You can't live your kid's life for him. Give him the rules, the expectations, the benefits of following them (short-term and long-term), then let him live his life.

There is just so much a person can bear. A child WILL go his own way, that is guaranteed. If he is disconnecting from your assistance that much earlier, that is sad, painful, and in the end, still his decision.

Keep him as safe as you can, a place to come to when he's interested in listening, and if he keeps it up, help him pack a month before his 18th birthday because after his birthday, he's on his own. You can drop him at the bus station or the army recruiter's office, his choice.

Tell him that now. That's what he's working toward, fully independent on his 18th birthday, or he starts earning some respect from you now. It's not free, it's not automatic, but you won't stand in the way of his TRULY CHOSEN path. But if this is the path he's choosing, you won't be party to it and will give him his freedom as soon as it is legal to do so.

His call.