[soniagak]

I had sex about 2 yrs ago and I was a virgin but even though it was my first time I did not bleed, my ex and I didn't really care about it because it wasn't such a big deal for us.
Now I'm getting married and its arranged and my fiancé they have a culture where when you bleed they wipe it off with a handkerchief or something and then the groom's mom shows that to some people to prove the bride's virginity now I know I'm not a virgin but my hymen didn't break so I'm just very confused. Am I going to bleed when we have sex or I didn't have hymen at all??

p.s. my ex and I had sex a few times and this one time I did bleed but that week I had my period and the day that we had intercourse was the last day so I thought that maybe my period wasn't over but was that my hymen that broke?


Please help me here I'm going to go crazy and I can't tell my fiancé the truth because if my family finds out they are going to break all ties with me

[Synnen]

You are not going to bleed when you have sex with your husband.

You probably didn't have a hymen by the time you had sex for the first time--many girls, especially those who are very physically active, lose their hymen well before having sex.

If you've had a gynecological exam (and if you have had sex, you really OUGHT to have had one by now) then your gynecologist could tell you if there was even a hint of hymen there---chances are, if they could do a PAP smear, then you don't have a hymen.

Aside from all of THAT--you've had sex. Unless your ex was REALLY small, you either lost your hymen to sex with him, or you had lost it earlier in some childhood accident.

In any case, the chances that you'll bleed on your wedding night are so close to nil that if it is going to make THAT huge a difference, I would look into artificial means of either bleeding or of reinstating your hymen (believe it or not, there are doctors that actually DO this sort of surgery).

[soniagak]

Thanks, I have talked to my fiancé about using tampons and that I might not bleed and he loves me a lot and he says that no matter what he is always going to love me but its his family that he is worried about and he doesn't want them to think anything bad about me. I can't do operation or anything to get my hymen back because I hear it costs a lot and also my family might find out but what if I fake the bleeding I mean what are my options for artificial bleeding?

[missingpieces]

It is very common for a young girl to break her hymen way before she ever has sex. Just be honest with your husband and his family and say it broke when you were younger from doing physical activities so you won't bleed. It happens all the time. I had a teacher who broke it when she was a teenager and had a bicycle accident. Other girls I know broke it when they did gymnastics or other sports. It happens and honesty about it is the best way to go, especially if you are worried about them finding out if you fake it from a cut or something.

And I don't mean to go against anyone's culture, but are you comfortable with your finace's mom showing that to people?

[Xrayman]

Holy mackerel. I'm sorry but where in this modern age do some religions/families EXPECT a woman to bleed during first-time sex??

I think you are unfortunately dealing with some real nutbags and if your husband feels it is his RIGHT to hurt you in this manner physically/emotionally then your problems are much bigger than this situation.

I'm sorry but this is the beginning of MANY issues. I think you need to discuss this "Interference" by family/tradition and get it STOPPED! Immediately.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, so husband is OK, take some blood in a bottle or something and use it to give it to the family,

[J_9]

I know that cultures around the world are different. But Holy Cow! Tell them to get into the 21st Centry!! Not all women bleed the first time they have sex. As has been mentioned, athletic types lose their hymen, a simple childhood accident can break a hymen, as well as tampon use.

Physically there are MANY reasons a woman does not bleed during her first encounter. Also, I would be EXTREMELY embarrassed if my husbands family showed my blood around town. Sex is a very personal and private thing and should NOT be spread around the community.

[Theprincess36]

Sonia Jaan, Gooishko, it is VERY hard for some people to understand the meaning of this practice when they have not been involved or been exposed to it first hand. This is a VERY important thing for your reputation with your future husbands family. You will be judged by them, and NO amount of explaining accidents in childhood or ANY other explanation will EVER take the doubts out of their heads if you do not have blood on the sheets. If you want to save face not only for yourself but for your husband, then you must take measures to make SURE there will be. I know people reading this post will think, and tell you {as posted above} that this is a practice that is considered outrages, and imposing and perhaps ridiculous and rude and will raise many different feathers. The truth of the matter is, YOU made a choice to marry a man from a culture that is VERY close to their families and VERY influenced by what their families think. Not only about them, but ESPECIALLY about their wives. You are starting this marriage on the WRONG foot by lying to your fiancé about being a virgin. This is a VERY serious thing in this culture Sonia Gaak {baby}, and by your name I see you are likely from the same culture. If that is the case you KNOW this for sure already. And you know not only is it viewd as an Honor for Virgins of this culture to "prove" their virginity with the blood on the sheets, it is an honor to the husband and family to "prove" the purity of not only their sons choice, but THEIR choice as well. As this is how its viewed. Please think this through VERY VERY thuroughly. If you still want to go through with this I have some suggestions for you. Let me know... Good Luck

[Xrayman]

Theprincess36 disagrees: I think your answer is based on your own feeling and not on her situatiuon. She is asking for help based on the situation and culture she is in, not based on how you FEEL about their practices.

Yea, sorry about that, when I answer questions I do it from my OWN point of view-stupid I know, but oh well.

It's part of my culture to do that. I'm arrogant.