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ktortolani · Oct 5, 2008, 02:15 AM

Question: How can you be married for almost 18 years and things go so sour that you feel like you do not even know if you are in love with this person anymore especially when you are just not happy with the way the marriage is? Is it normal to think of other men and want to start a new life? I have stuck it out for so long through thick and thin and I believe it is due to my three children. I fear being alone and the insecurities that go alone with it. I just feel we are such different people. I want to love him but I do not know how to get those feelings back or were they ever really there? I feel like I am verbally abused by him. He never physically abuses me, however, he is so loud and is always dictating to me. Things honestly have been very tough financially these past few years. My husband has been out of work on a head injury since Dec. 07 and I just think he is so miserable with himself that he cannot make me happy. I know money isn't everything but he cannot provide me with anything at all right now and believe me I have stuck through more than one accident with him. He is so accident prone. He is a good father but there is definitely something like clicking with my feelings and wants to be with him but I do not want to hurt him. Confused:

Fr_Chuck · Oct 5, 2008, 06:33 AM

First if he is depressed, see if there is counseling, often based on income.

Next you do all you can do, to make it work also. Often money problems cause so many other issues

helplesswife · Oct 7, 2008, 02:08 PM

Before you give up, please read Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs.

This book really has helped my marriage. My husband betrayed me in the worst way and it has been a very rough road to travel down. I almost gave up but I like you have children and I do not want my children to grow up in a divorced home. Now children are not the only reason to stay!
A man chooses not to treat his wife lovingly if he thinks that she disrespects him. A wife chooses not to treat her husband with respect if she feels unloved. And there is what is called the Crazy Cycle. I do not know if your communication is good with your husband, I am gathering that it is not all that great... >But if you are to take the time to ask him if he loves you, hopefully he says yes, than ask him to read this book with you... There is also a work book that you guys can do together. It is great and it can make the difference!
Something that is hard for me with my husband, which is accident prone also, is to NO MATTER WHAT, I tell him that I appreciate all he has done for this family. That simple statement breaths life into a man. Specially one that sound like he is depressed, depression can and will turn into anger, anger can lead to verbal, mental & physical abuse, also it can lead to affairs... You thinking about other men, well wrong but very natural. You are a married woman & until you really throw in the towel and pack your bags, you need to fight for your marriage. If you pray and talk with God, be on your face daily for your marriage. Make sure that you recognize that you are thinking about other men because that is what you want with the husband you do have. I don't know where you are located but my husband and I were able to find a marriage counselor that cut his fee in half for us and has agreed to keep a running tab. We pay what we can and when we have more we pay more. They are out there... Keep searching & Keep up the Good Fight!
Good luck!

talaniman · Oct 10, 2008, 12:55 PM

You need the help of a trusted third person, or a professional, as your post is too vague to get a flavor of your issues. How long has this been going on?
Do you work?
How old are you?
You mention a head injury in December, what the prognosis?

Have you seen a doctor lately??

Are either of you on meds??

starbuck8 · Oct 10, 2008, 01:07 PM

I agree with Tal. You really need someone to be a mediator. Someone who isn't biased, and can give you some professional help. More info would help us to give you better advice. If you just keep on the same path you're on, you will only build the resentment and bad feelings. It doesn't matter if he doesn't physically hurt you. Abuse is abuse is abuse! Trust me, most physical scars will heal, but the verbal and emotional scars don't go away so easily! They can sometimes last a lifetime. Get some help now before those "scars" have no chance of healing.