[omega_red_08]

I've been dating someone for 8 months and I love her a lot. Since she quit her job, she has been on "vacation" and having fun. She has been hanging out with a new girl friend she met about 3 weeks ago. They go everywhere together. They go shopping, get tattoos, and go lay out at the beach.

Recently, she told me I was boring and blah and that she wanted time to go hang out with her "friends". I'm a little concerned because she has no money and she always said she would have to trust the person giving her a tattoo. When I asked her where she was getting the money she said her friend was getting it from her ex-husband. When I asked about the tattoo she said the guy did great work and she trusted him. Now comes the part I'm unsure about. The guy she dated before me was a tattoo artist and did all her work for free.

I was going to call her friend's ex-husband to ask if he was giving them money but I was thinking that would be inappropriate. I don't want to think she is cheating on me because she said she never would. She doesn't come home lots of nights and basically calls and says she's hanging out with friends getting drunk and stuff. She's 22 and I'm 29. I recently bought a house for us to move in and start our lives together but every since then she acts like she doesn't care.

What do you guys think she is telling me? If you need to know more I will answer all I can.

[Merris]

I've been dating someone for 8 months and I love her a lot. Since she quit her job, she has been on "vacation" and having fun. She has been hanging out with a new girl friend she met about 3 weeks ago. They go everywhere together. They go shopping, get tattoos, and go lay out at the beach.

Recently, she told me I was boring and blah and that she wanted time to go hang out with her "friends". I'm a little concerned because she has no money and she always said she would have to trust the person giving her a tattoo. When I asked her where she was getting the money she said her friend was getting it from her ex-husband. When I asked about the tattoo she said the guy did great work and she trusted him. Now comes the part I'm unsure about. The guy she dated before me was a tattoo artist and did all her work for free.

I was going to call her friend's ex-husband to ask if he was giving them money but I was thinking that would be inappropriate. I don't want to think she is cheating on me because she said she never would. She doesn't come home lots of nights and basically calls and says she's hanging out with friends getting drunk and stuff. She's 22 and I'm 29. I recently bought a house for us to move in and start our lives together but every since then she acts like she doesn't care.

What do you guys think she is telling me? If you need to know more I will answer all I can.

Unfortunately I don't know how to say this very nicely, but this woman sounds really self-centered. I think it's a syndrome for people in the 20 - 40 age bracket these days. Everything is me first, or as long as I'm happy that's all that matters. If I hear one more girlfriend say that phrase I might throw up.

You sound responsible and are obviously wanting to settle down and you are preparing for a family by buying property and she has her head in the clouds. You are smart because settling down in your 30's becomes much more difficult especially with all the baggage the "sex and the city" life can give you from your twenties. I see so many desperate people in their 30's and I can guarantee you that this girl will probably be one of them. If I were in your shoes I would make a move to break it off. If she doesn't come around to try to save the relationship, you will have just saved yourself that much more time you could have spent looking for someone who will take you more seriously.

[ConfusedInAK]

Sounds like she is still sewing her wild oats and may not be as serious about settling down as you are. She may be taking advantage of the friend with money... but when that runs out... where will she go?

Maybe you can think back 7 years and look upon foolish things you did?

I know 7 years ago I was a completely different person. (I'm 29 now) But man how things have changed...

She probably hasn't thought much about the long term effects of her actions... sounds like she is living for the moment...

[omega_red_08]

I have thought about the things I did when I was 22 and I try to give her advice based on my experiences. The problem with that is she thinks I'm trying to tell her what to do or that I'm stopping her from having fun. I've tried helping her manage her money but that was a waste of time. Her philosophy is spend it while you got it. I've tried to help her go back to school but she got frustrated when they denied her re-entrance. I've tried to help her get braces but she got upset that we couldn't afford them.

She always says that I am all she has and that if we ever break up she'd be lost and probably be devastated. My feeling is if she really felt that way why wouldn't she want to spend more time with me.

Yes I think she is very selfish because she always finds something for me to buy or do for her. Her views on relationships, in my opinion, are outdated. She feels the man should do all the work and she should stay at home and do nothing. By nothing, I mean nothing; not even cleaning up or cooking. When she told me that I said well it's 2008 not 1958 and things now have to be 50/50. I just wish she could see it from my point of view.

I guess the reason I'm still hanging on is because I think she will come around and be the best thing I could ever ask for. I also want to remain logical and I know that she is not going to change unless she wants too.

Her family made a comment the other day that kind of made me feel bad. Her dad said that the house I purchased was a slap in the face to her and him. That she deserved much better than a rinky-dink house in the country.

[ConfusedInAK]

She may grow out of it... I did... well all accept that spending money like water thing...
But I'm working on it LOL

Mike met me when I was 22 (he is 12 years older)

I think part of him liked the "wild" side... I grew out of it when I started having kids though.

Maybe she needs a reality check... if she wants to spend money, she needs to make it. Have you tried being wild with her?

If she doesn't want to include you at all... that doesn't sound good...

[LisaB4657]

When I started dating my husband all I ever wanted to do was be with him. When I went out with my friends he came with me. When he went out with his friends I went with him. We always wanted to be together. We still do. We're together 25 years and married for 21.

The same thing happened with my friends. When they met the person they eventually ended up marrying they just wanted to be together all the time.

I think that a good relationship includes wanting to be together rather than doing so many things apart. And the longer that the relationship continues, the stronger it should get.

I'm sorry, since you probably don't want to hear this, but if she says that she thinks you're blah and would rather hang out with her friends then she's not the right one for you.

[omega_red_08]

ConfusedInAk,

I have tried being wild with her but the more things we do that are wild the more she expects. I can't stay out until 5 in the morning drinking and stuff anymore. I've been to clubs with her dancing, even though I can't dance. I've been to more concerts in 8 months than in 28 years. She'll include me its just at a time convenient for her. I don't want to spend my time waiting for her to calm down.

[Merris]

I have thought about the things I did when I was 22 and I try to give her advice based on my experiences.

The main thing I have learned in my 30's is that you really can't change a person. You can only change yourself. You can give advice but most people don't follow advice-- they follow example and they learn from their own mistakes. The best thing you can probably do for her is to show her that her behavior will cost her a potentially rewarding relationship. By holding on to her, you really are only encouraging her. People have to be faced with losing something before making true change. Of course you run the risk of leaving and her not following. If that's the case you shouldn't look at it as a loss. It's only a test of whether the relationship was truly meant to be. Ya know?

[omega_red_08]

I mentioned leaving her once and she said she would try changing. She did for one week and then feel right back doing the same stuff.

Going back to the thing about being wild with her... She thinks I'm in a comfort bubble and I'm scared to do adventurous things. Is it not Ok to be comfortable with someone or is that a bad thing for a relationship?

She doesn't do anything I haven't done before. Nothing she does is adventurous. The most exciting thing she does is getting a tattoo and I will never get a tattoo. It's not like she is out skydiving or climbing mount everest. Her typical day would be going to the beach, going shopping and then eating out somewhere.

[ConfusedInAK]

I think at some point becoming too comfortable with one another is not necessarily a good thing. I hear a lot of friends complain about things that their partner does simply because they are too comfortable LOL

Will she do any of the things that you find exciting?

See with me and Mike... we don't have the same hobbies... period. He hates Bingo, I play all the time. I will never jump out of a plane willingly and he loves sky diving. He duck hunts, I'd prefer to stay warm. In fact we have VERY few common interests. He will never get a tattoo and I can't wait to get one.

But he does his thing and I do mine, and we never go out together (unless it's to a fundraising event or something). I don't think couple have to share every interest to make it work... there just has to be some understanding that if she wants to party instead of hang with you, the least she can do is help around the house.

I don't think ultimatums are going to change who she is. The last time I went out drinking at a bar or something I think I was 26... Now if I go, I am the DD. At some point I started to dislike loud music and dancing all night.

It sounds like you really want to stay with her, so I'm not going to tell you it won't work.

[hjpan]

I mentioned leaving her once and she said she would try changing. She did for one week and then feel right back doing the same stuff.

Going back to the thing about being wild with her....She thinks I'm in a comfort bubble and I'm scared to do adventurous things. Is it not Ok to be comfortable with someone or is that a bad thing for a relationship?

The fact of the matter is she doesn't do anything I haven't done before. Nothing she does is adventurous. The most exciting thing she does is getting a tattoo and I will never get a tattoo. It's not like she is out skydiving or climbing mount everest. her typical day would be going to the beach, going shopping and then eating out somewhere.

You need to stick to your words.

Since you told her you're leaving her if she doesn't change, the abide by that motto.

Just like the Marines motto of"Semper Fi" or "Always Faithful," you need to keep your words.

If she doesn't change, leave her immediately.
She's heading her life just like a rail-road coal cart that is heading down into a deep mine.

[omega_red_08]

I know relationships grow in various ways. Some have to be nurtured and others grow on their own. Some of the things I enjoy, she does. For example, riding four wheelers or amusement parks. If we don't spend time together are we really in a relationship? Sometimes it feels more like roommates than bf/gf.

I don't want to offend you and if I come across as an a-hole I'll apologize up front. You used your situation as an example, ConfusedInAK. Do you or your boyfriend/husband go days without seeing each other and spend the night with friends? If Mike called and said I'm saying over at a friend's house see you sometime tomorrow. I'm going to go out and drink tonight. How would you feel?

To me it's not the fact that she does these things it's just the fact she doesn't want me to come along.

[ConfusedInAK]

Well... first I may have a heart attack that he used the words I'm going out with friends LOL I have to literally BEG and PLEAD with him to get out of the house... go away... do something! Finally got him to join a softball team and now a soccer team. I have to kick his arse out of the house to do things. I even insisted he HAD to buy a boat for himself. He doesn't like to do things because everything costs money...

Now me on the other hand, I just make sure he didn't have plans and I tell him I'm off to bingo, or the bar with my best gay, or to go babysit my girlfriends while they get wasted so I can drive them home LOL I have my phone, if he needs me all he has to do is call... which isn't what he typically does.. he usually just sends me dirty texts ;)

And sometimes we are like room mates LOL which from talking to most married people seems to be a common "feeling". In fact most days we simply coexist... and tolerate each other. Bottom line is though we do love and trust each other...

But out of all the "long term" relationships I had... this has truly been the easiest one.

You 2 have only been together for 8 months... it's hard to say what will happen for you.

Somehow we are fine and have been together longer than most of our friends stay married.

[omega_red_08]

ConfusedInAK, it sounds like our relationships are kind of the same thing. I guess I feel the same way about staying at home but I do want to go do things it's just not every night or weekend I want to do them. If I do something like go to charleston to see my best friend from childhood she thinks I supposed to invite her to go, but if she goes out to a bar or club she never asks me to go. So why does she expect me to think about her while she never thinks about me. And I hear you about the texts and phone calls. If she is out I don't call because I think if she needs she she'll call, she gets on me all the time about it. She'll send me text messages like "Are you even worried about me?" or "Do you care that I'm not at home?" and I'm like ?

[omega_red_08]

Just wanted to keep getting input and let you guys hear how our night was.

First, she did not see me at all after 8:30 Monday morning. I met her after I got off work Tuesday around 6 PM. She was hanging out in a local bar with two guy friends. I got a call from a friend of mine and talked to him for about twenty minutes before I went in to see her. I walked up to them and said what's up to everyone and was going to give her a hug but she had her back to me. Right as I get there the guys leave and it's just me and her. I tell her a job she applied for called and asked me about her; that made her happy. She then proceeded to tell me she was out of money, gas, and she wouldn't be able to pay her car insurance this month. I told her we would talk about it later, somewhere private. She tells me I should have told her to get some extra clothes to change into instead of her wearing the same thing for 2 days. We leave to go stay with my parents because our house is not finished getting serviced yet.

We arrive there and its just me and her. We ride bikes together for about 15 minutes until everyone starts getting home. She doesn't like what my dad is cooking so we go to our house and get her some taco mix and shells for tacos. While her food is cooking, my family is in the living room talking about there day and getting along fine. We are in the den watching TV; she says my folks are getting on her nerves because there are talking too loud and it's bothering her. After we all eat, things settle down.

She then asks me again for 60 bucks to help with gas and her insurance. I ask her why she didn't save the money instead of getting 2 tattoos. She makes the comment, "Well thanks for the talk Dad!". Then she goes on a rant about how I never support her and that now she has nothing to do tomorrow except sit at a place she doesn't want to be. We go outside to check on the 4 cats we own and 3 of them have escaped. They are in the yard but not on the porch. We find a whole in the screen door. I tell her the cats will come back in when they get hungry. She sarcastically says, "Fine, you want them gone anyway.".

We get back inside and she tells me she is ready for our house to be ready for us to move in. Asks about money again and I finally tell her no and she shouldn't have gotten the tattoos. She says I don't care about her because I won't give her money. She then tells me that she has been going to the tattoo shop where her old boyfriend works and that they talked briefly. She reassures me that they don't like each other anymore and that an old man has been doing her tattoos. She tell me her friend, that I think is using her for a ride, borrowed her car and drove an hour round trip to warm up some food because she was hungry. After the tattoo is completed, they go watch a movie that we have been wanting to see for a while now, Mirrors. She says I told her that I hate scary movies and that's why they went and because I hadn't asked her to do anything recently. Then they crashed at a friend's house. After we are laying in bed together, she rolls over kisses me and says she loves me and wants us to last forever.

I have never met anyone like her. When I try to help her I'm her daddy and if I let her make her own decisions I'm a bad boyfriend. Are all women like this?

Sorry for the long post. I need to write all this down because it helps me a little to vent like this.

[ConfusedInAK]

I know when I tell Mike to put his dishes in the washer or put the toilet seat dow, or heaven forbid actually put dirty clothes in a hamper... He says to me "What are you... my mother?" Sometimes I need to "scold" him for his language in front of the kids...

I suppose sometimes we may have to act like a parent to remind them what needs to be done LOL

At times he will "ground" me from spending money on certain things LOL

But as I stated before... that is something I struggle with... not that I'm spending it on myself but I do spend WAY too much money...

[hjpan]

Just wanted to keep getting input and let you guys hear how our night was.

First, she did not see me at all after 8:30 Monday morning. I met her after I got off work Tuesday around 6 PM. She was hanging out in a local bar with two guy friends. I got a call from a friend of mine and talked to him for about twenty minutes before I went in to see her. I walked up to them and said what's up to everyone and was going to give her a hug but she had her back to me. Right as I get there the guys leave and it's just me and her. I tell her a job she applied for called and asked me about her; that made her happy. She then proceeded to tell me she was out of money, gas, and she wouldn't be able to pay her car insurance this month. I told her we would talk about it later, somewhere private. She tells me I should have told her to get some extra clothes to change into instead of her wearing the same thing for 2 days. We leave to go stay with my parents because our house is not finished getting serviced yet.

We arrive there and its just me and her. We ride bikes together for about 15 minutes until everyone starts getting home. She doesn't like what my dad is cooking so we go to our house and get her some taco mix and shells for tacos. While her food is cooking, my family is in the living room talking about there day and getting along fine. We are in the den watching TV; she says my folks are getting on her nerves because there ar
e talking too loud and it's bothering her. After we all eat, things settle down.

She then asks me again for 60 bucks to help with gas and her insurance. I ask her why she didn't save the money instead of getting 2 tattoos. She makes the comment, "Well thanks for the talk Dad!". Then she goes on a rant about how I never support her and that now she has nothing to do tomorrow except sit at a place she doesn't want to be. We go outside to check on the 4 cats we own and 3 of them have escaped. They are in the yard but not on the porch. We find a whole in the screen door. I tell her the cats will come back in when they get hungry. She sarcastically says, "Fine, you want them gone anyway.".

We get back inside and she tells me she is ready for our house to be ready for us to move in. Asks about money again and I finally tell her no and she shouldn't have gotten the tattoos. She says I don't care about her because I won't give her money. She then tells me that she has been going to the tattoo shop where her old boyfriend works and that they talked briefly. She reassures me that they don't like each other anymore and that an old man has been doing her tattoos. She tell me her friend, that I think is using her for a ride, borrowed her car and drove an hour round trip to warm up some food because she was hungry. After the tattoo is completed, they go watch a movie that we have been wanting to see for a while now, Mirrors. She says I told her that I hate scary movies and that's why they went and because I hadn't asked her to do anything recently. Then they crashed at a friend's house. After we are laying in bed together, she rolls over kisses me and says she loves me and wants us to last forever.

I have never met anyone like her. When I try to help her I'm her daddy and if I let her make her own decisions I'm a bad boyfriend. Are all women like this?

Sorry for the long post. I need to write all this down because it helps me a little to vent like this.

GOOD JOB ON STANDING ON YOUR STANCE!
You didn't give her the $60 for her insurance and bills~

That's her fault... she's trying to guilt-trip you, but you didn't fall for her trap!

[plonak]

This girl sounds like a major brat.. she doesn't appreciate anything you are doing for her..

You need to sit her down and have a nice long talk with her and tell her how you feel.. honestly I don't think that's going to do anything.. but at least you can try...

Then, if things don't change, I think you should end things.. it's like you said, why should you wait around for her to change,

You want to live your life with someone that fits for you.. why waste your time with her?

It will hurt to end things, she will make you feel guilty, but it will be better in the long run.. you will find someone who is appreciates you for you.. there is a girl out there that will..

[ConfusedInAK]

I said it before... and I'll say it again... I'm not going to tell you to leave her.

You said you want to make it work, but understand that she is still "immature" and not likely to change anytime soon.

I hate judging people but from what you have told us it sounds like she wants the world on a golden platter but she's not willing to lift a finger to have it put in front of her.

You have already given her everything (based on what you have told us here) and she still wants more but does not want to change.

You won't be able to change her... she is going to have to want to change herself.

People have to go through life experiences to make and want to make those changes.

[brkfstatiffs]

It definitely doesn't sound like she is on the same as you are in terms of your relationship. 8 months is not a long time at all to be jumping to buying a house to live in together, that should come after a couple years. You are probably scaring her away, I would be scared if all that came to me after only 8 months. Talk to her, and take a step back. It sounds like that is what she wants, without telling you. Just communicate and see what pages you both are on.