[Violet31]

I have a small dilemma.

I have an old friend who I used to love very much.

A little over a year ago, I lost a parent and my house fell a part at the same time, so I had to have massive reparations. This friend asked me if she could be at the funeral, which was closed, and I gave her the permission. She never turned up and the whole family waited for her, but she never even phoned to apologize.

Later she turned up at my place where workers had been tearing down a wall. I asked her not to come because my house was in such a disorder, but she insisted and turned up anyway. She didn´t say much about the mess, but two days later, she telephoned me and told me "the mess at my house reflected on my poor state of mind".

I stopped talking to her after that and now a year has passed. She wrote me a letter asking me to renew our friendship, claiming she doesn´t understand why I never talked to her.

I don´t know what to do. I want to be able to see her sometimes, but never as a close friend. I am writing her a letter, but do I mention what she did to me? I´m afraid to do that, because she is always falling out with people and never understands what she does wrong, keeps writing to them and insists to know. It can be exhausting.

Some advice would be really appreciated.

Love,
Violet

[jjwoodhull]

Do you miss her? If so then try to reconcile with her. You say that she is always falling out with people and does not know why - you need to tell her. If she is not given the opportunity to correct her thoughtless behavior, then the pattern will repeat.

[liz28]

You don't have to be friends with her and from the information you gave about her it seems she don't know nor understand how to be a friend and what that word means. You must ask yourself do you really want a friend like this? I don't think you do. You can write a response to her letter only if you want to and if you do be honest with her, but I doubt it will have any effect on her.

[talaniman]

She would make a great friend... from a distance. Friends are people you enjoy, and if you like the drama, and frustration, I guess you keep her.

[happy_jester]

She telephoned me and told me "the mess at my house reflected on my poor state of mind".

It really is SHOCKING to say that to anyone,and especially a friend such as
Yourself.

If you feel able to,meet up with her/telephone {either of these,it doesn't matter! }

What DOES matter,is that your "friend" is told that she has a really horrible
Attitude,& this is the perfect opportunity for you to do so!

[JBeaucaire]

"Dear Sally, last time we spoke you correctly identified I was in a poor state of mind. To show you that I'm doing so well, much better than before, and now only do things that help my 'state of mind' get better, I want you to see how good I am at now making better choices. With that in mind, I respectfully decline your offer for renewed friendship."

[Violet31]

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

I´m still wondering if I should start some casual friendship from a far, because I certainly don´t need the drama, or if I should tell her how her behaviour affected me.

If I do the latter, she will start writing her letters, cry on the phone, ask her sponsor to be a mediator, get a forced meeting with me - that´s what she is capable of when people challenge her.

I´m leaning towards: "Hi, yes let´s speak on the phone one of these days..." and not invite her to my house. If she asks, I will tell her I don´t dare to do it, because of the rave reviews I got when I had builders all over the place and a funeral to organize.

I wonder which is best. I see her in a new light now. She can be dishonest and we have different moral values. When a man is interested in me, she immediately says I must be mistaken. "Why would he be?" she asks. She is also capable of telling me that my ex-boyfriend got madly in love with her...

I know somebody who is famous. It´s a childhood friend and we meet from time to time. Once I told this other friend I was going to visit her in another city. She immediately asked me to give that person her resumé, which is childish and not the right way to get ahead. That person can employ the best in the field and it´s done by her management anyway. I got calls during my visit, pestering me to help her... it spoilt an otherwise great time.

I wonder if it´s worth the trouble.

Love,
Viola

[Alty]

I'd cut my losses and run, with friends like her you don't need enemies.

It's up to you, respond and say that you'd like to try again, forgive and forget and hope for the best, or call her and say no way in hell, I'm done, good bye.

Personally, I'd go with the second option.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

You'll meet many people in your life, and some you will love, but hardly see enough of, and some once is too much. This person belongs in the latter group, so don't go out of your way to appease her ego, at your expense. That's not what friends are for, and honestly ,why even bother with so much thought, and effort for her. You do have real friends don't you??

[Violet31]

Talaniman,

Yes, I have real friends are who are very close to me. :)

I just find it useful to go through an issue that bothers me and ask impartial people like you, for instance, what you think.

Our friendship was long and I thought it was giving - this person has lots of qualities too, of course. She really hurt me and I´m working through this issue. It won´t take long, so it´s not much of an effort.

Thanks,
Violet