[e_nuffUSA]

Hello all.

In our 4th year of marriage, happy until recent. My wife shows signs of cheating on me during two recent business trips, I confronted her, she denies and now is upset, hurt, etc. and doesn't trust me anymore. I am writing this from deep in the "doghouse"!

So how did I arrive at my conclusions? Our closeness physically has tanked in the last three to four months, she spends a lot of time on her laptop, she's quiet etc. Then she started crying if I tried to hug, kiss her. When I asked for sex during this time (two weeks before my first confrontation) she would look at me like I was joking! Anyway she went to her GP and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and prescribed an anti depressant.

Ok so that seemed to explain her actions but our lack of closeness did not improve. Two weeks after her GP visit she was sent out of town for three days. Both locations were on the coast. Her first two nights stay she booked an ocean front room, which seemed odd to me for a business trip, although her company did reimburse. So I didn't make a scene just went along. Well here I am alone with those thoughts of cheating vs depression, etc. I start researching "signs of a cheating spouse", man Google that and see if you don't get flooded! well her actions matched most of the "signs". So here I go, looking into her email, which I know was/is veryvery WRONG, and found the ocean front room confirmation and bam! It had down for TWO adults. Well I went nuts and called her immediately and she lost it with anger at me for snooping into her laptop, that the hotel made a mistake, she swore to be alone, etc.

Two weeks later she was sent back to one of the towns, separate from the ocean front room town, but she books another ocean front room. Well after her last day I tried to call her and she didn't answer. Oh boy here goes my insecurity and anger again, so I called the hotel asking if she had checked out and the desk clerk tells me "yes THEY checked out at 11:30am" I asked the clerk that who is "they", my wife was alone? She quickly said "I can't give out any information like that" and hangs up on me! Well a few minutes later the wife calls and here I go confronting her about the information from the hotel. Again, she denies that anyone was with her, that again the hotel made a mistake by saying that, and her anger exploded for me snooping again by calling the hotel, etc. Now I'm back in the doghouse even though we are social to each other and I had to agree to therapy (which I DO feel I need) to calm my insecurities or the next time it happens she will leave me.

My question is what do I do because I still feel she MAY BE cheating, although she's never done that before and is pretty convincing in denying it face to face. Is it the depression causing her actions, is it me and my insecurities and dependence on our love and marriage??

Any help is greatly appreciated in advance.

[LostInHisEyez]

Wow. im sorry to hear about your problems. I remember i went onto my ex's email once and i found letters to another girl, and when i confronted him about it he got mad that i couldnt trust him, bla bla bla. if you have that feelings, its never going to go away until you finally have your truth. she can play the whole i can't trust you deal, but why bother if you can't trust her? to me it sounds like maybe the first time with the hotel MAY have been an accident, but when the management says - THEY- then of course... Im sorry my friend but to me it sounds like cheating...still go to therapy to help yourself, but as for her, i wouldnt bother checking on emails or calling hotels, because you'll just be disapointed. im sorry this had to happen to you. :( :(

[jjwoodhull]

Sounds like cheating, although no actual proof. My experiences have taught me that guilty people react with anger. Innocent people react with confussion. Sorry. I know this was not what you wanted to hear. :(

[tickle]

I really don't know how you can get passed the fact that there is firm evidence that she has been unfaithful. She is obviously not willing to discuss it and that is a bad sign because then the two of you could get it all out in the open and put to rest one way or another. This way you are in limbo, not her. Limbo in a relationship is absolutely not a good place to be.

Okay, what you will have to do, enuff, is sit on it for a while and go about your own business and see if she comes around. You don't say how old she is, so I am not ruling out menopausal situations; but that would still not excuse the infidelity but explain the personality change.

Now I ask you. If you two can sit down and talk about this glitch in your married life, would you just be willing to forgive and forget ? That is the big question here. Many married couples have been able to get passed that and carried on quite happily and even stronger then before knowing that they have survived one of the worse situations in married life.

Good luck to you.

[kp2171]

Depression kills libido and screws with your relationship.

You know enough to be scared and suspicious, and you don't have rock solid proof of anything... the hotel person couldve used "they" easily to mean the singular person, but the hang up seemed suspicious.

Id go to counseling for sure and see what happens.

I've been cheated on by two women I loved. I know you just want to know the truth, whatever that is... that you can deal with reality.

Well... if I'm in your shoes I'm as unsure as you are, but feeling pretty much on the edge.

Any clue as to what the anxiety or depression has been tied to? Having been through one ugly about of depression, I can tell you it can have nothing to do with the ones you love or guilt from some act you regret. Have her hormone levels been checked?

[tickle]

KP, if we know her age, then we can consider menopause which has very adverse effects on a woman's personality at that time life.

[kp2171]

tickle, you sort of read my mind, though I wasn't limiting to to just menopause, or perimenopause.

There clearly are times when a younger woman's drive falls hard, and it can follow what women going through menopause or perimenopause experience. And then there's the cases where a woman in her 30's can experience premature peri/menopause.

The OP'er shouldn't dare mention those terms to a depressed woman... but hormone imbalance can easily explain moodiness, anxiety, a drop in libido, etc...

[N0help4u]

My instincts agree with jjwoodhull she is going off on you to make you feel guilty because she KNOWS she is the guilty one and wants to place it onto you.
Maybe next trip see if you can go along and see how she reacts to you suggesting that.
You are accepting the blame trying to work through something that is on her, not you.
You can not fix this by you getting help while she goes on her merry way.


If she is depressed and having problems that are causing her to act this way it still doesn't necessarily rule out that she is cheating. Seems too much of a coincidence for both places to say 'THEY'. I'm sorry but I don't think I would trust her.
Not sure how you can handle it though cause you are between a rock and a hard place by having to respect her privacy along with her denying anything.

[e_nuffUSA]

THANK YOU to all for the great comments and by taking your time to hear and help me out!:)

We are taking this day by day for now and BOTH will be entering into therapy. I'm not sure if she has had her hormone levels tested, she turned 40 this year.

Next time she goes on a trip I will try to accompany her since I have a busy work schedule too. I've considered the PC "Spy" type software, a PI which is waaaay expensive I've found out! but for now I will work on making myself healthy and rebuilding our marriage.

Take care everyone!

[sylvan_1998]

I just wanted to say to the person who said guilty people confront with anger. Not all angry responses are guilty. There is truth in your statement and I agree somewhat, but there seems to be a history of jealousy here (from what was written) and she just may be tired of it and then angry.

Just my two sense on this response and did not want to dock with a disagree. There is a lot of good advice from other responders.

Good Luck!

[JBeaucaire]

I think the advice you've gotten is encouraging.

I'm glad for the counseling, which is great no matter what the truth is. You guys can benefit from some honest communication skills. Those are hard to develop, at any age.

As a frequent business traveler myself, I can assure you it is possible NOTHING has happened here. The default setting for many hotel reservations sites is 2 adults. I rarely change it, though I NEVER travel with someone else. Even when I do, we get our own rooms.

Also, in the business world, the term "they" does mean a party of one, too. It is used to keep from having to discern between singles and couples, males or females. The hotel probably does say "they" to everything referring to guests.

You two still have stuff to work on, but she may not have done anything based on the facts you've presented. Truly.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Without indisputable proof of cheating, there is no way to know for a fact if she is without a confession. You should take reasonable steps to at least rule that out then focus on the issues causing the disconnect between you two, whatever they may be.

There are many easy things that can be done that will give you more facts so you can know what is going on. Have you checked the cell records? That is usually a good place to look. If she is cheating, she's not ready to admit it, many cheaters don't until confronted with solid evidence. What you have so far is not proof enough & hopefully it isn't true in your case.

If she's depressed, that could explain a lot of behavioral changes. And many people would be upset at being accused of cheating even if they aren't so they would act angry.

Hopefully the counseling you get will be helpful to you both.

[Insearchofpeace]

Take it from a person who's cheated, she most likely is & will lie through her teeth to keep it from you. Trust your gut! Good Luck
Ps. Her anger toward your snooping also confirms it.

[talaniman]

Before you jump to conclusion with assumptions, and suspicions, rule out the health issues, by seeing a doctor.

[goodwife]

Okay... I recently went through a situation with my husband where he had a depressive episode and, in his words, was looking to die. He trekked cross country with a girl in tow... he says he was looking for anyone that could go with him and that nothing happened. He thought he would go out in the middle of nowhere and let the elements have at him... and that he was simply giving her ride so he would not have to make the trip alone.

We've had a great marriage and have always been deeply in love. I am willing to believe him but my conditions of his return home are that he have an AIDS test. He is hurt by my lack of trust but is willing to do whatever, so he says, to return to me.

The truth is, according to his doctors and family members who suffer from depression, it can make people do irrational things without stopping to take the time to consider what they are doing. He even thought by leaving he was causing me less heartache than if he had stayed and been honest with me about his depression and other problems he was having coping with life in general.

I think the first thing you have to consider is that your wife may have booked an ocean front room because she felt depressed and that the ocean may help sooth her. Especially on a business trip people with depression can feel overwhelmingly stressed.

Also, curb the jealousy. Establish boundaries. Tell her what you will and will not accept behavior wise and that if she refuses therapy you do not know how your relationship can survive. Bottomline, whether she is depressed or cheating or just stressed no marriage can survive lack of communication and unjustified outward signs of anger. At that point the ball will be in her court and you will know just how important the marriage is to her.

Good luck!