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mtlkvm · Aug 20, 2008, 07:00 AM

Its not that he drinks everyday, he can even go without drinking for awhile. But when he drinks, he cannot have just one or two. He has to drink until he's drunk. My problem is, is that after a few drinks he becomes really really mean, he degrades me and turns into this crazy person. According to him, he "blacks out" when he has these fits and therfore cannot remember them the next day. However, I have caught him references some of the stuff he says while "blacked out". He no longer lives with me, and we are discussing him moving back home soon. I have 4 small children, 3 of them are not his, and we have a 1 year old. My MAJOR concern is that when he's drunk, he will "black out" and scare my kids. HE WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY PHYSICALLY HARM THEM, but when's he's going physco, Are they awake in their beds scared? As a mom, I never want my kids in a position like that. So, I told him, give up drinking or Im not going to be with you. You cannot come home. He then talked in circles until I agreed that he could drink, but only one or two here and there. He assured me he had self-control and could do this. Now that's its getting closer to him to come home, Im thinking about it more. He didn't have control before, he's done nothing no help nothing, how can he have gained self-control. So, I tried the tough love again. You cannot come home if you are going to drink. My kids love him like their own, his son adores him. When not drinking he's AWESOME. But I just cannot have him drinking. He got mad at me, and started a fight because I went back on my word and am now telling him no drinking. He choose to not be with me because he doesn't want to be with someone who is trying to control him. I told him that wasn't it and that he is choosing alcohol over me and the kids. He then claimed that that's not the reason, that he wants to be with someone who trust him, I told him, I do trust you, but unfortunately when your drunk I fear you. He just ended it, he couldn't come up with anymore excuses. What do I do? He's my sons dad, without drinking he's wonderful, how do I get him to choose me and the baby over drinking? How do I get him to admit he's got a problem? He's has a DWI, he's gotten into fights/agruments while drinking, he's lost his drivers license? Clear signs, I see them... he does not!

StaticFX · Aug 20, 2008, 07:46 AM

I didn't read your whole post.. didn't have to.

DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN. He has a problem. And you can't help him with it. He needs to admit it on his own. Period.

ANB428 · Aug 20, 2008, 08:34 AM

I knida went through this with my recent ex. He drank all the time and would make a fool of himself when he was wasted. I told him to quit drinking and he did for me and my daughter and my daughter isn't even his kid! My daughter's father was using drugs and I had to leave him because I told him it was either the baby and I or the drugs and he fought with me and started defending himself. I ended up having to leave him for out best interest. He has a problem, I know he is the father of your son and it is going to be hard, but you deserve better and need to stick to your words about him not drinking. Hang in there and stand firm!

smearcase · Aug 20, 2008, 08:56 AM

Unless he gets in a good program and stays for the rest of his life, you and the children will suffer. There are many cases where it has worked. Only you can determine if that kind of commitment is realistic for you combined with what chance of success you think he has. Some people can go for years and fall back. I know of them personally.

twinkiedooter · Aug 20, 2008, 05:07 PM

Have you attended any AlAnon meetings? If you do you will see yourself and your husband in just about everyone there. You should go and hear their stories of what they have put up with all in the name of love for their spouse/sister/brother/mother/father/uncle/aunt, etc, etc. After you have attended a few meetings you will see how they cope with the problem of alcohol. It is not that he does not love you, it's because his mistress is alcohol and he loves her more.

You have to remember that you are in control of your life and if you can't handle him being drunk in your life, you are the only one who can keep him out of it. Your kids won't suffer as much as you think they will without him being in their lives. You need to think of the big picture here.

asking · Aug 23, 2008, 08:54 AM

His alcoholism is enough of a red flag. The fact that he is claiming he's blacked out when he isn't is like 10 red flags. I read a scientific study a long time ago where they gave people drinks that tasted mildly alcoholic and told people that they did or didn't have alcohol in them. The people who were told they got alcohol acted "drunk"-- even if they didn't get any alcohol. And the people who were told they didn't get any alcohol acted pretty sober -- even if they got alcohol.

What that tells you is that part of alcohol is giving yourself permission to act out. Your guy has given himself permission to scare the living daylights out of you and your children. When he wants to be bad, he drinks. Even if he stopped drinking, he might still find other excuses to act like this when he's not getting what he wants. So don't let him come back until he's proven he can stop being mean and scary for a least two years. AND he needs to deal with his alcoholism. The alcoholism and the abusiveness are two separate problems. Lots of alcoholics do not act like this.

missingpieces · Oct 13, 2008, 05:06 PM

He has blacked out and you fear him when he drinks yet you allowed him to talk you into letting him come home and drink?

I grew up with an alcoholic dad and my mom never gave up on him, sadly the rest of us did at several points. I know what its like, how could you possibly even consider letting someone you fear, even if its only when he drinks, around your children. Give him visitation rights when he's sober but don't allow him near you guys if he is going to drink. When his loved ones are taken away he will choose you. He is just trying to turn the situation around on you and for your safety and your children's safety you have to make him stay away until he can prove that he can live sober for a very long time. I don't care how awesome he is when he's sober.

This may be really harsh, but a lot of people do a lot of stupid things when they are drunk, whether they wouldn't do it "intentionally" under normal circumstances or not. People get raped and beaten and killed. But they were drunk, so they didn't mean to right?