[Cailleac Bhuer]

Ok, I have an 11 yr old son who has learning disabilities. Though his father and I share custodial custody 50/50 and his dad is suppose to have 50/50 physical custody, over the past 11 years the time he has spent with his dad averages to 1% a year.

His dad lives nearby, but married, has a 7 yr old son now too, always is working or has overtime, court hearings, guard duty, new spouse issues. The list is endless so our son just never got to bond with dad (which is my falut for leaving him and his abuse)

Anyhow, I have always been the one to call the dad and ask when he can see the boy as it has to work at this kids hertstrings that dad does not seem to care. He told me when he gets his cell phone, the ringtome for his dad will be "Cats in the Cradle".

The kid never wants to go over there though, and between the abuse that goes on in htat house, and other issues, I always gave in and his dad would say he was not going to force him to come see him.

Now though, the kid is getting old and needs his dad and a father figure. He is well-mannered and a good kid, for the most part. But he is bipolar too and can turn on a dime. I know he is a bit spoiled, it is hard to be a mom and a dad, especailly since I am legally disabled and spent two years bedridden. His dad was overseas in the sandbox most of that time so the kid could not go over even if he want to.

Point: now has come time where I want him to go live with his father but he refuses. I got him to go visit with his dad for a day and a half and as soon as his dad was out of eye and ear distance, he screamed at me for making him go over there and said he might as well kill himself if he has to go over there again next weekend. I told him to stop it and that he needs to spend time with his dad, put all he did was sit and sulk all the way home, muttering under his breath.

I am at my wits end; I need to start chemo once my medicare finally is effective as I have needed it for a year but had to wait. Iw as hoping now that he is older he would realize he needs his dad and I am not telling him I am sick. His dad tried to talk to him about it and he started crying saying he wants to stay with me (but yet he is mean to me all day long) So his dad refuses to insist the kid move in with him or comes visits him; says I have to be the bad guy in this.

I am at a loss of what to do. How can I convince this kid that going over to his dads is something he needs to do. He is never mean to his dad when he goes over there, wrestles his little brother on occasion when the kid gets to him, and even though does not like stepmom because she spoils his little bro too much, but other than that is a good kid. He says it is boring there, yet his dad says he goes outside and plays with the neighborhood kids and stuff when there and he has no kids in the area to play with here at all.

Any suggestions would help.

[J_9]

I have moved your question to a thread of it's own. Piggybacking another thread not only leads to confusion, but someone's question may go unanswered.

[Cailleac Bhuer]

I have moved your question to a thread of it's own. Piggybacking another thread not only leads to confusion, but someone's question may go unanswered.

Yes as soon as it posted I say that; I don't know what happened as I was suppose to be at ask a question.

Sorry

[N0help4u]

No matter how much you think he needs his dad it is not good if it is a bad environment.
Leave it go! I did the same thing to my kids all through grade school telling him he needed to be a father and he had NO excuse for not! Didn't work lived within a minute to 10 minutes away, etc...
Then one day the light bulb clicked on and I realized what I was doing when he would bother to see them was getting their hopes up.

Call Big Brothers and Sisters and see if he can get a male figure from there.
There is another program similar more geared for disabled kids
If you are low income then you should qualify. (I would guess under $30, a yr.)

But call them and see if you can set something up. They will even help with a summer camp for at least a week in the summer too. Maybe get him in the Y or any programs he qualifies for. The Big Brother is suppose to commit so many hours a month to spending time with their 'little' and take them places like sports events or local things, festivals, where ever they decide to go and they are to let you know/ask your permission.

You can get all kind of help I would think, like a visiting nurse, RESPITE and other programs.

If you want him to go live with his father I am not sure that is a good environment so I don't know what you can do, especially if they are unwilling. At least maybe try and see how much help you can get with programs before you make the decision to force the issue. Then you just MIGHT have to tell him you are sick and need to get strong and you can't do it if he doesn't go to dad's

[Cailleac Bhuer]

I could try Big Brothers, but I do not know if in my area as I am in a very rural part of the state. He is home schooled, so no contact with kids via school either.

It is not bad at his dads anymore; they use to fight like cats and dogs but not anymore, (supposedly). He is a respected officer and she a teacher, they are good people, just use to like to fight a lot...

Oh, he won't take anything of his over there either because he does want to have to share, well he says because he doesn't want his little bro to break it, but I know better... lol

[N0help4u]

I don't know I do see many times where kids steal or break other kids (even siblings) stuff and don't give it a second thought. I don't blame him for not wanting to take anything there.

If you have to you might just have to explain everything to him of what you will be going through and that if he wants you to get better he is going to have to sacrifice his wants a bit for you.

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Yes, but kids do need to learn to share; it builds people skills and how to get along with others later on in life.

Than again, his kid brother hates to share too... one of the strifes of an only child ( it is like they are both only child's since do not live together and each only kid in house)

There is a big brother office an hour away; will be interesting to see if they can match him to anyone since the population is so low here.

Still, Thank you kindly for your input. Others have to have suggestions too I would think and I welcome them...

[N0help4u]

Yeah his more expensive stuff and special stuff he should keep at home and take things he isn't too worried about being taken or broken to see how they survive first.

Some places have adopt a grandparent too

This is the Respite for Colorado but they can probably give you the respite for your area
Respite Care, Inc.