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Sammy68 · Aug 11, 2008, 12:43 PM

I have been divorced for two agonizing years. Right after the divorce, I tried to get my ex-husband to make an attempt to reconcile, but he refused. Since then I have remained non-invasive, and I have tried to stay out of his life until last week.

My ex-husband and I have two children. My main focus has been spending quality time with my children as well as focusing on my career. I have dated a few men over the course of the past two years. Two of the men I have dated I have attempted to become involved with, but I cannot get involved simply because I am still in love with my ex-husband, and I have not let go of my past. I do have an active social life. I do not sit around and mourn day in/day out. But I cannot get my ex-husband out of my mind or heart for very long.

About every 2-3 months. my ex-husband will call me out of the blue, angry and venting to me, but he will never really tell me the source of his anger. I assume this is his way of working out some of own his bitterness and pain, and he vents it toward me.

He has been involved with a woman for approx. 1 1/2 years. His girlfriend is currently living out of state for about 2 months. And she is supposed to move into his residence full-time once she returns from the project she is working on.

I stopped over my ex-husband's house last week, and I advised him that I felt as if part of my soul has been ripped out. I asked him if he would consider making an attempt to reconcile. I suggested that we start seeing if we can still enjoy each other's company, and perhaps do some things together casually with our kids. If it all went well from there, perhaps we could seek counseling, and then work on patching up a broken marriage. He told me that he cared a great deal for his girlfriend, but he does not love her in the way that he loved me (he started seeing her about 3 months. After our divorce was final). He stated that he was a "different" person now, and he wasn't sure if he was still "in" love with me, but he would always love me. I asked him to consider this and I've given him space. I am not been bantering him on the phone, in person, or via email.

A few days later he asked if I would like to ride with him to our son's 1st football game. He and I, as well as our two children all attended the game together. That was the 1st time we've all been together since our divorce. Everything was cordial, with the exception that toward the end, he made a nasty 'dig' at me, which upset me of course, but I chose to take the higher road, and keep my mouth shut. When he dropped me off, I kissed my children good-bye, and then he grabbed me and hugged me very tightly.

He has never asked me to reconcile with him. However, I see the pain in his eyes when he sees me. It's never diminished. My gut tells me that he's not entirely over this either, but perhaps he is still angry and hurt. I do not know. Is he stroking his own ego since I approached him, and enjoying the attention while his girlfriend is out of town, and when she returns, all communication will cease to exist besides what is necessary to discuss due to our children? Or is he taking me up on my offer, and perhaps testing the waters?

Am I chasing a dead dream? Why can't I let this go? Something deep inside keeps urging me to try. But I cannot continue to live this way. It's too agonizing.

I have sought counseling in the past, but I still come back to this.

I just need some advice from someone that perhaps has dealt with a similar situation.

chuff · Aug 11, 2008, 01:03 PM

What exactly caused this divorce? There seems to be something missing from this story, did you cheat on him? The way it reads that is the impression I get?

Sammy68 · Aug 11, 2008, 01:37 PM

There was unfaithfulness on behalf of both parties.

chuff · Aug 11, 2008, 01:57 PM

It came through that original post. Who cheated on who first? When you say he's really nice and then snaps your are correct that he's holding on to some pain. While I agree that your tactic of letting it go is what's best for both of you, he's obviously in deep emotional pain and every time he either feels close to you he is getting confused because he already knows what he's been through. From an emotional stand point he probably wants to try again but from a logic stand point he's got nothing to gain from this. You are wanting the band aid but the wound is deep and requires surgery. I don't doubt that both parties are holding on to pain.

The truth is the only one who can answer this question is your ex, it appears he wants to try but he's not going to get rid of that pain. I might suggest that you say to him, "I know that I've made some mistakes and caused you some pain. For that I'm sorry and I know that words are cheap so what I'd like to do for you is offer some professional counceling either by yourself or with me and either way I'll cover the costs."

By offering something like that you take blame which is hard for him to hold against you and you show remorse, while at the same time offer some kindness and help to get him emotionally well again." What he does at that point I don't know, but it's a sign to him that your willing to take the high road and also move forward and allow him to do the same.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2008, 02:13 PM

Divorce has some pretty wild reactions on partners, and children, and it takes time for the emotional dust to settle, and the new way of doing things comes into clear view. Adjustment and attitudes, need to be reevaluated as moving out. And moving on becomes a different matters, when kids are involved, and you both are tied together for a number of years. Hard to heal when the object of your heartbreak is still in your life.

You both need time to heal, and as of now, I don't think either of you is there yet.

Put the kids first, as you try, and build your own life. You still are parents first.

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 02:56 PM

I would agree that a lot would make more sense to know who betrayed who first? Did the other cheat out of spite and who went for deciding/suggesting/wanting the divorce?

If you are the yes you answer to any of those then I would figure he is trying to protect his heart from the hurt and often guys will lash out to cover their pain.
I would not read too much into him making steps in being civil with you, he may simply realized he should make an effort to treat you better for the sake of the kids.

Sammy68 · Aug 13, 2008, 06:12 AM

I never 'physically' caught my ex-husband with another woman, but the writing was on the wall on a few separate occasions throughout the marriage. i.e. he did not come home all night on a couple times, he came home one night with a 'hickey' on his neck, and he tried to tell me that he fell asleep in a chair, and one of his guy-friends girlfriends put the hickey on his neck as a joke, his female assistant was never social to me, and there were rumors swirling around about the two of them. She wouldn't even look me in the eye, and I could go on and on from here with other things even worse...

My oldest son (not my ex-husband's biological son) approx. 4 yrs. Ago was diagnosed with a genetic kidney disease that nearly took his life. I was struggling with coming to terms with his diagnosis, dialysis treatments, daily sub-q injections, lining up a potential kidney donor, medical bills, etc. on top of taking care of my 2 younger children, working full time, our home, spening hours at the ER or hospital alone with my son, etc. with very little help or emotional support from my ex-husband. He seemed to emotionally 'check-out' of the situation. I begged him to spend more time with me, which he promised he would but he never really did. The hours kept getting later at work, and he was harder to reach via his cell phone.

I believe I had a some sort of nervous breakdown, and I don't coin that term lightly or as a mere excuse. All of a sudden I just cracked down the middle. I stopped dealing with reality. I started going out to bars (which I had never done during the entire marriage), meeting a new group of people, and acting recklessly like I was 20 yrs. Old again. I stopped caring for everything - I felt completely numb, and I felt like a different person. I met some man who acted like he cared. He listened to me, he started spending time with me, he was always available. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but for some strange reason, I could not stop myself. It was like a drug addiction.

So no, I do not believe that I retaliated against my ex-husband and his alleged infidelities. I believe I 'checked out' too.

Of course my ex-husband found out about it. I asked him for a separation so I could get my head together. I told him that I loved him, and that I didn't understand why I was doing the things I was doing. Before I knew it, I was divorced. It happened very quickly. Very soon after the divorce, I completely cut ties with the other man. I tried to get my ex-husband to seek counseling, but he refused. That's the story.

I have asked my ex-husband to attend counseling once again, as suggested. He has not replied as of yet.

chuff · Aug 13, 2008, 08:03 AM

Forget about your ex for a moment. Let's focus on number 1. Do feel you have come back emotionally from where you were at? Perhaps some counseling for you would be good. It appears you are carrying around a lot of stress.

I wonder if your are getting the emotions from your divorce tied into all the other stresses of your life. From the original post and the previous post it seems to me that you have intertwined several issues and when each stressful event came to a head it was all at one time. You talked about going to the bar and I think you correctly classifed that as "checking out" which is the reason most people start doing that. It starts as something to distract you and then it becomes a way to get away from from your everyday stresses.

I'm not going to accuse your ex of cheating without proof. Rumors mean nothing, but let's get real about the man. When you needed him most he emotionally bailed. When your wife's child is going through a medical issue it's your job as a man to stand up and support her the best you can. He doesn't have to be perfect... but he's at least got to be there.

Which brings me to a question I have for you. If this man can't stand by you when you need him the most, why is it so important that you get him back?

I like that you've asked him to attend counseling but if he declines then I don't think there's nothing more you can do. If he starts up again in an angery tone with you I'd flat out tell him something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way towards me, I didn't want that, and I've tried to prove that by offer you professional help so that you could heal those wounds. If your arm was broken and you refused to see a doctor then that's not the doctors fault. Your hurt and I tried to help you, you refused that help so please quit directing your anger at me, I'm not your emotional punching bag." By saying something like that every time he starts up it reminds him that you've tried to do right by him and it was his decision to not accept.

talaniman · Aug 13, 2008, 08:15 AM

Chuff brings up some really great points, and you have to ask yourself is your husband the solution to your problems? The answer is absolutely not! You are the solution, and really need to think in terms of what can you do for yourself to make yourself happy, and healthy. Your focus is on him, and should be on YOU, and your future without him.

Sammy68 · Aug 13, 2008, 08:30 AM

Chuff, that is good advice, and I appreciate your perspective.

But to answer your question... I'm not sure why I want him back, besides the fact that I love him, I miss our family, I feel bad for my children, I feel like a complete failure, and that horrible time of my life does not define who I am as a human being, or the wife that I was during all those years of marriage. I would like to be given a chance. Perhaps it's wrong for me to feel this way, but I feel like I deserve a second chance. I feel as if our family deserves another chance.

I feel like I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart.

A part of me feels like my entire marriage was in vain. I spent 15 yrs. (marriage + dating) to a man who obviously cannot forgive me, who probably does not want to give me a chance, and who was not there for me in an emotional sense at the end of the day.
I don't know what I am hanging on to what is probably a delusion, to be quite honest.

I have asked him to attend counseling with me. So far, he has not replied. If he continues to ignore me, or if he refuses, I know that I must go on with my life for good. I cannot continuously mourn for a man that is no longer in love with me.

talaniman · Aug 13, 2008, 08:44 AM

Then stop mourning.

Sammy68 · Aug 13, 2008, 08:57 AM

I have tried to stop mourning, but it never really has gone away.
I do not like feeling this way, believe me. I have read just about every self help book that I could get my hands on, I have sought counseling... My main focus has been my children and the quality time we spend together - which is a lot. I'm very involved in my children's sports programs, I have an active social life, God only knows that I've tried to date other men - good men - and form a relationship with them. It works for a couple of months, and then all of a sudden I shut down.
I'm okay for awhile, then something will trigger the whole thing off once again.
It's been rather nightmarish, and I would love to just forget about the whole thing, but for some reason I have not been successful.

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 13, 2008, 12:27 PM

Reading all the self help books in the world won't help until you apply the principles consistently in your life any more than sitting in a garage will make you a car.

I hope your son is doing much better & I'm sorry you are hurting like this. But only you will be able to make it stop, not your ex. From the history you cited, he displayed repeated cheating behavior while never being truthful about that, bailed completely when you needed his help desperately when your son was ill then instead of being supportive when he saw you snap, went tru with a divorce. And apparently he is still OK with all of that or he would be in therapy on his own without you having to drag him there to figure out why he chose to act the way he did instead of fighting to keep his family & marriage intact in a good way.

It is possible that he may have changed in a way that you two might be able to make it work this time. But also take into consideration that if he has a girlfriend then he's made you the OW every time he gives you even the slimmest hope you two can have a romantic relationship again. And then you are back with someone that can lie & cheat about what is going on with other women again.

You know that when a hard breakup happens, it is very easy to look back & idealize all the good parts while downplaying all the bad ones. Are you being fully honest with yourself about what it was like being married to a man that came home when he pleased with hickies on his neck. One that could easily ignore the horrible circumstances you were sufffering through when your son was so ill, what is attractive about that? What real indications have you seen that a new marriage with him will be any better than the old one, which sure was missing some crucial pieces for you to KNOW you were loved & cherished by him. Quite the opposite in fact.

You are obviously still mourning the loss of the marriage & need some help to get you past it successfully. There is no shame in that, & lots of great resources are available to you. As the others have already said, you will benefit more & much more quickly with keeping the focus on what you need to heal without his input than trying to cling to a past that caused you so much anguish when you lived through it the first time.

But you will not be able to overcome this stage unless you make a commitment to yourself to do everything in your power on a daily consistent basis to properly put the past behind you so you can make the most of the present you have now & the great future you can create for yourself.

Love yourself first. Then you will be able to love & be loved in a good healthy relationship & be open to that happening for you.

Sammy68 · Aug 13, 2008, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp

Reading all the self help books in the world won't help until you apply the principles consistently in your life any more than sitting in a garage will make you a car.

I hope your son is doing much better & I'm sorry you are hurting like this. But only you will be able to make it stop, not your ex. From the history you cited, he displayed repeated cheating behavior while never being truthful about that, bailed completely when you needed his help desperately when your son was ill then instead of being supportive when he saw you snap, went tru with a divorce. And apparently he is still OK with all of that or he would be in therapy on his own without you having to drag him there to figure out why he chose to act the way he did instead of fighting to keep his family & marriage intact in a good way.

It is possible that he may have changed in a way that you two might be able to make it work this time. But also take into consideration that if he has a gf then he's made you the OW every time he gives you even the slimmest hope you two can have a romantic relationship again. And then you are back with someone that can lie & cheat about what is going on with other women again.

You know that when a hard breakup happens, it is very easy to look back & idealize all the good parts while downplaying all the bad ones. Are you being fully honest with yourself about what it was like being married to a man that came home when he pleased with hickies on his neck. One that could easily ignore the horrible circumstances you were sufffering thru when your son was so ill, what is attractive about that? What real indications have you seen that a new marriage with him will be any better than the old one, which sure was missing some crucial pieces for you to KNOW you were loved & cherished by him. Quite the opposite in fact.

You are obviously still mourning the loss of the marriage & need some help to get you past it successfully. There is no shame in that, & lots of great resources are available to you. As the others have already said, you will benefit more & much more quickly with keeping the focus on what you need to heal without his input than trying to cling to a past that caused you so much anguish when you lived thru it the first time.

But you will not be able to overcome this stage unless you make a commitment to yourself to do everything in your power on a daily consistent basis to properly put the past behind you so you can make the most of the present you have now & the great future you can create for yourself.

Love yourself first. Then you will be able to love & be loved in a good healthy relationship & be open to that happening for you.

Thanks Betrayalbtcamp for your advice. It logically makes all the sense in the world. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time moving forward from this. I don't know why I have idealized that past relationship, but I have.

You are right. If he loved me, he should have made more of an effort to fight to keep his family together. And that's not to excuse my bad behavior at the end of the relationship, because I was wrong in what I did too.

Maybe that's one thing that hurts the worst. That he did not care enough to fight for us.

My son received a kidney transplant from his grandmother 1 1/2 yrs. Ago and today he is healthy!

Sammy68 · Aug 13, 2008, 01:12 PM

You are right. If he loved me, he should have made more of an effort to fight to keep his family together. And that's not to excuse my bad behavior at the end of the relationship, because I was wrong in what I did too.

Maybe that's one thing that hurts the worst. That he did not care enough to fight for us.

My son received a kidney transplant from his grandmother 1 1/2 yrs. Ago and today he is healthy!

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 13, 2008, 01:33 PM

Wonderful news about your son!

Maybe that's one thing that hurts the worst. That he did not care enough to fight for us.

He may have loved you with all he had & could have, still may love you but his own brokenness is too much for it to be a healthy love that could grow the way you need. What caused him to be that way may very well not been his fault but staying that way is since he has made no effort at all to work on fixing himself so he can be a good partner & better person. He's not there yet & may never be, unfortunately.

You at least can acknowledge your own short comings & things you did that were wrong so moving successfully past making the same mistakes every time can be easier for you. Keep working on yourself, it's a fascinating journey that will lead you where you can embrace true happiness.

Do you have an accountability support group to help your struggle to let go of that marriage? That could make all the difference to you. People that will keep you on track to getting past the roadblock you keep getting stuck at? Even one friend that is there for you can be just the thing to help your progress stay consistent & reduce the yoyo that's gone on so far for you.

talaniman · Aug 13, 2008, 02:57 PM

Stay out of relationships until your feelings are resolved and you have HEALED!

Sammy68 · Aug 14, 2008, 08:36 AM

Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp

Wonderful news about your son!

He may have loved you with all he had & could have, still may love you but his own brokenness is too much for it to be a healthy love that could grow the way you need. What caused him to be that way may very well not been his fault but staying that way is since he has made no effort at all to work on fixing himself so he can be a good partner & better person. He's not there yet & may never be, unfortunately.

You at least can acknowledge your own short comings & things you did that were wrong so moving successfully past making the same mistakes every time can be easier for you. Keep working on yourself, it's a fascinating journey that will lead you where you can embrace true happiness.

Do you have an accountability support group to help your struggle to let go of that marriage? That could make all the difference to you. People that will keep you on track to getting past the roadblock you keep getting stuck at? Even one friend that is there for you can be just the thing to help your progress stay consistent & reduce the yoyo that's gone on so far for you.

BetrayalBTCamp, thanks for your advice once again.

My ex-husband, to my knowledge, has done little to work out his own baggage from this painful past. He replaced me with another woman almost immediately after the divorce, and he's done nothing to indicate that he believes that our relationship is worth reconciling. He has never acknowledged his own short-comings. Instead all the blame has been put forth upon my shoulders. It's always about him, and really no one else. He's so consumed with the way he feels. You are correct in the statement that he may always be that way. The more I think about it, the more I sincerely believe he was probably finished with the marriage prior to the marriage actually ending.

I need to move forward, which I have in a lot of ways. I keep getting caught back into this mess, though. It's typically triggered off by a confrontation. I'll be fine and in a good state of mind, and then out of nowhere, he will call me, cuss me out, refuse to tell me what the problem is, and for whatever reason it will open up all those old wounds once again. Sounds stupid, I know. I have to quit be the subject of his punching bag.

Talaniman - I am not involved with anyone, and I have no short term future plans on becoming involved with anyone.

Putting my thoughts into words, and having several 'outsiders' insights and opinions, has helped quite a bit.
Thank you!