[sandman37]

First I want to say thanks in advance for reading this novel and for any and all help you could lend my way. I have tried to find a similar scenario in here but couldn't find one with the same variables.

I met this girl 2 months or so ago at a sports bar, she works there. I asked for her number and she told me, "I have a boyfriend", so I remained nice, charming, etc, but backed off.

About a month ago, I am at the bar again, and this time, when I pay my tab she wrote her number on the back of the receipt. I asked about her boyfriend and she said "she would take care of it". Now, this is 2 days before he flies in to visit her, did I mention he lives in another country?

He shows up for his visit and I speak with her a few times, and after we were hanging out one night, she left, and texted me to say " I like you". A few days after that, he leaves after being here for a couple weeks, I call her a couple days after that, and we go out the next day.

I take her to dinner and a movie, and in the movie there is a little head on the shoulder, touchy/feely stuff going on. I at this point am not asking about her boyfriend situation, but not making any advances either.

The following week she invites me to go to her house to watch a movie. About half way through SHE suggests we go into her room to watch the rest. By the end of the movie we are holding hands, and she is rubbing my neck, but nothing serious. I go to leave, I get the extra long hug and exit.

Now after this I feel I have earned the right to ask about the boyfriend again. She tells me she is still with him, she likes him, and wants to give it a fair shot to work and doesn't want to dump him to just be with me. Partially because of him, and partly because of how it would look to me if we were to have a relationship later.

Having said that, she still tells me she really likes me, but can't be with me. I feel we are in a bind because of the line we are walking, and because I think we are both good people that don't want to upset her relationship. At the same time we have so much fun together and enjoy each others company. I try to stay away from her, but a few days later, I am calling her again.

I have asked her several times if she wants me to stop calling, and have offered her many ways out, but she doesn't want that any more then I do. I haven't felt like this about a woman in my 30 years of life. I signed up to Ask me, just for this one issue. Her co-workers do not like her boyfriend, and love me. They are actually the ones that pushed me to ask her out in the first place.

She isn't dumping her emotional baggage on me, nor is she using me financially, or in any other way that I can see. I know this sounds so lame, and I hate saying this, but when I am with her it seems as though she is everything I have been waiting for. I love to laugh and to make people laugh, and we are laughing half the time we are together.

Her friends tell me how happy she gets when I come to see her, and I can tell for myself. I just don't know what to do from here. I talk to my female friends, and half of them say back of, while the others say I'm not being aggressive enough. It's the old "if it's meant to be..." vs. "if I want it, I have to make it happen".

She almost never calls me, because of him, and I have to initiate most conversation. However, if I don't, when I see her next I get the old "why haven't you called?" thing. So, what do I do?

This guy lives in another country, visits every few months from what I can tell. It seems that would be an advantage, but even if he is an unfaithful jerk (not sure if he is, all hear say), he isn't around for her to see that or for him to mess up in front of her.

I need an intelligent well thought out answer. Please help me, I am going nuts!!

[jakester]

First I want to say thanks in advance for reading this novel and for any and all help you could lend my way. I have tried to find a similar scenario in here but couldn't find one with the same variables.

I met this girl 2 months or so ago at a sports bar, she works there. I asked for her number and she told me, "I have a boyfriend", so I remained nice, charming, etc, but backed off.

About a month ago, I am at the bar again, and this time, when I pay my tab she wrote her number on the back of the receipt. I asked about her boyfriend and she said "she would take care of it". Now, this is 2 days before he flies in to visit her, did I mention he lives in another country?

He shows up for his visit and I speak with her a few times, and after we were hanging out one night, she left, and texted me to say " I like you". A few days after that, he leaves after being here for a couple weeks, I call her a couple days after that, and we go out the next day.

I take her to dinner and a movie, and in the movie there is a little head on the shoulder, touchy/feely stuff going on. I at this point am not asking about her boyfriend situation, but not making any advances either.

The following week she invites me to go to her house to watch a movie. About half way through SHE suggests we go into her room to watch the rest. By the end of the movie we are holding hands, and she is rubbing my neck, but nothing serious. I go to leave, I get the extra long hug and exit.

Now after this I feel I have earned the right to ask about the boyfriend again. She tells me she is still with him, she likes him, and wants to give it a fair shot to work and doesn't want to dump him to just be with me. Partially because of him, and partly because of how it would look to me if we were to have a relationship later.

Having said that, she still tells me she really likes me, but can't be with me. I feel we are in a bind because of the line we are walking, and because I think we are both good people that don't want to upset her relationship. At the same time we have so much fun together and enjoy each others company. I try to stay away from her, but a few days later, I am calling her again.

I have asked her several times if she wants me to stop calling, and have offered her many ways out, but she doesn't want that any more then I do. I haven't felt like this about a woman in my 30 years of life. I signed up to Ask me, just for this one issue. Her co-workers do not like her boyfriend, and love me. They are actually the ones that pushed me to ask her out in the first place.

She isn't dumping her emotional baggage on me, nor is she using me financially, or in any other way that I can see. I know this sounds so lame, and I hate saying this, but when I am with her it seems as though she is everything I have been waiting for. I love to laugh and to make people laugh, and we are laughing half the time we are together.

Her friends tell me how happy she gets when I come to see her, and I can tell for myself. I just don't know what to do from here. I talk to my female friends, and half of them say back of, while the others say I'm not being aggressive enough. It's the old "if it's meant to be..." vs. "if I want it, I have to make it happen".

She almost never calls me, because of him, and I have to initiate most convo. However, if I don't, when I see her next I get the old "why haven't you called?" thing. So, what do I do?

This guy lives in another country, visits every few months from what I can tell. It seems that would be an advantage, but even if he is an unfaithful jerk (not sure if he is, all hear say), he isn't around for her to see that or for him to mess up in front of her.

I need an intelligent well thought out answer. Please help me, I am going nuts!!!!

Mr. Sandman -

What's going on, bro?

Here's how I see this whole situation: you like this girl (obviously) and at some level she likes you. Her friends can even detect noticeably, positive differences in her when you come around or when you are about to get together. She invited you to her house and you spent time together. There's no doubt about the chemistry that exists between you.

But here's the thing. This other guy has got some part of her heart that she is unwilling to give to you and what good is half of someone's heart, right? Should you back off or be more aggressive? I don't think you should do either. But I think you should be clear and upfront with this girl about what it is you are looking for.

First off, you cannot continue to let this girl be selfish. You're letting her have the best of both worlds, from her vantage point. She has this “foreign guy” who is meeting some kind of emotional need she has and then she has you, who pays her a lot of attention and calls her when she wants; you are satisfying other emotional and psychological needs she has. For her, it's great! For you, it's not.

You have to be courageous enough to do the right thing and decide what you want and let her know that. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you like her and that you want to pursue the relationship further but you are only willing to do that if you know that you have her undivided loyalty and affection: in other words, she needs to date you only.

However, if she balks at that and seems unwilling to make that decision for herself, then my friend, you need to decide what you are going to do. And if you have any respect for yourself, though it would be hard for you, you should walk away. You might feel some pain in the gizzard, but how much more pain will you feel after you have been together for awhile and that girl, after developing a bad habit of being emotionally dependent on other men, would cheat on you. You'd be devastated. Certainly, people can change, but this girl at this stage in her life, has some growing up to do in this regard.

[sandman37]

Mr. Sandman -

what's going on, bro?

Here's how I see this whole situation: you like this girl (obviously) and at some level she likes you. Her friends can even detect noticeably, positive differences in her when you come around or when you are about to get together. She invited you to her house and you spent time together. There's no doubt about the chemistry that exists between you.

But here's the thing. This other guy has got some part of her heart that she is unwilling to give to you and what good is half of someone's heart, right? Should you back off or be more aggressive? I don't think you should do either. But I think you should be clear and upfront with this girl about what it is you are looking for.

First off, you cannot continue to let this girl be selfish. You’re letting her have the best of both worlds, from her vantage point. She has this “foreign guy” who is meeting some kind of emotional need she has and then she has you, who pays her a lot of attention and calls her when she wants; you are satisfying other emotional and psychological needs she has. For her, it’s great! For you, it’s not.

You have to be courageous enough to do the right thing and decide what you want and let her know that. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you like her and that you want to pursue the relationship further but you are only willing to do that if you know that you have her undivided loyalty and affection: in other words, she needs to date you only.

However, if she balks at that and seems unwilling to make that decision for herself, then my friend, you need to decide what you are going to do. And if you have any respect for yourself, though it would be hard for you, you should walk away. You might feel some pain in the gizzard, but how much more pain will you feel after you have been together for awhile and that girl, after developing a bad habit of being emotionally dependent on other men, would cheat on you. You’d be devastated. Certainly, people can change, but this girl at this stage in her life, has some growing up to do in this regard.

Thank you much for the advice. I think you are correct.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well there is no rule a person can not "date" several people, if after months or more of dating, a relationship can move to seroius.

And you stop asking about a boyfriend and worry about being her boyfriend if that is what it is going.

[949]

You need to look at it in another view too.

She is a cheater. What makes you think she won't do it to you too when when is done with him?

It's a high people get when they cheat. When they find someone who is willing to go along with it, they will keeep them and find another person to cheat on.

[sandman37]

you need to look at it in another view too.

she is a cheater. what makes you think she wont do it to you too when when is done with him?

its a high people get when they cheat. when they find someone who is willing to go along with it, they will keeep them and find another person to cheat on.

I want to be very clear, nothing has happened between us physically. No kissing, nothing. Now, I agree that holding her hand was not something I would enjoy from her boyfriends point of view, but nothing more then that.

I tend to look at it as she likes this guy, and has made a commitment to him that she will not break, and I won't push her to. However I cannot stress enough the "chemistry" we have. We are only friends, and will remain as such until/if she breaks it off with her boyfriend.

I also look at how hard it was for me to even get her number (a month), and to even get her to speak to me, and I think most guys would have given up by now anyway. For a relationship that spans from US to another continent, she is doing very well I think. Most girls will cheat if their boyfriend is 100m or more away.

I don't know, I could be blinded by my feelings for her, which is why I need the help on this topic to begin with. I am still confused.

[N0help4u]

I agree with 949 even though she is not cheating now she does have a wandering heart and even if she did dump her *bf* for you she could still not feel settled with you being *the one* and still be looking around.
You are better to let it go until she breaks up with him for other reasons. It is never good to drop one person for another.

[949]

I understand what your saying but cheating is also when her heart/mind is with another too. It won't be too long before the physical part goes along with the mind/heart.

The other way this could go would be, your totally fallen for her. You do get a night with her but she still wants the other guy as well. You being that you have fallen for her head over heals, agree that she can keep him too just to keep her happy. Then when the other guy comes back. Many things can happen when your OK with her having two guys in her life.

Two options:
1. he comes back and asks her to marry him one day.

2. he comes back and gets her pregnant.

What do you do then?

With the progression your telling us. It seems things are very slow going right now.
Just because your saying your holding hands only does not mean that things won't go beyond that.

YOU: keeping in check because your only holding hands. Things in your mind says that you should be at love making by now.

HER: this is a good pace to be at. Maybe in a few more months we can kiss.

So your perspective might be different then hers.
Your speed is at 10 and holding back
Her speed is at 2 and moving just normal.

For her 6 months is the length you should be at holding hands.
For you 6 hours might be the length you should be holding hands.

In the end you'll both hit the same spot...

2 guys and a girl ;)