[Choux]

The poor man has obviously been on the receiving end of a bunch of questions (attacks? ) from the questioner if he went ballistic over being asked if he was gay. If I had asked my husband or any boyfriend if he were gay, he would just have said no. (Or maybe yes or bisexual, who knows)

This is a board for ADULTS, folks. I answer as if I'm talking to adults. :D

Alten... go find someone else to follow around and be mad at!! You are a stalker, dudess.

*shivers*

[Alty]

OP, I say again, the things going on in your marriage need to be dealt with professionally. We can give you advice, and listen to your grievances, but we cannot help you fix your marriage, that is up to you and your husband.

I wish you all the best in the future, and hope that you both figure out what is going on and find a way to fix it.

Good luck.

Choux, I have added you to my ignore list, I'm tired of your nonsense. Good luck to you too. :)

[N0help4u]

I agree that his reaction could be that of a guilty guy trying to hide something

on the other hand I have seen guys react in the same way when they have a badgering wife that accuses him on empty theories she has formulated in her own mind.

[Alty]

Good point NoHelp.

If I asked my hubby whether he was gay, he'd be extremely insulted. Of course he's say no, or I'm not going to dignify that with an answer, because he'd be shocked that I even asked.

The OP really needs to get some help, she's very confused, and badgering her husband with all these questions isn't going to change the situation they're in, if anything it will only make it worse.

[mta]

I'm asking to figure out how to manage it. What exactly did I say that would make you pass judgement. If you were a so called "expert" than you would realize that all my questions have to do with this one complex issue. A husband with a drug history cheats. Wow is that really all that unbelievable. I am struggling right now with this, and I don't want to blame him I want to try to do what I can to fix the situation but I'm trying to find out if that is even possbile. What because I'm trying to understand him and am actually trying to work it out I'm weird. You don't know me... but you seem to be pretty miserable. I'm guessing you are single aren't you and hate everybody huh... oh you poor thing you just didn't get hugged enough did you. Well kiddo try really hard to have a good day anyway ;) by the way what are the qualifications to say you're an expert? I didn't realize that at "ASK ME HELP DESK" there were only certain questions that were acceptable. I guess I could just ask you first to make sure that they were OK?? :rolleyes:

[N0help4u]

Why don't you post all the things you say your husband is doing on ONE post THEN maybe somebody can help you. Your first two posts you claim he is a strong Christian that would not cheat. Then you say he must be cheating. Then you accuse him of all kinds of things that you do not back up with anything that he does. Then you ask if he can be gay. Then you ask if he is narcissistic. Now you are claiming he is into drugs. Then you criticize replies
but HOW can we help if you keep changing your story and adding stuff and NOT saying WHAT things he IS doing that make you feel this way. He is ignoring you and acting strange basically.
We are NOT mind readers. We do not know WHAT he is doing to have you so upset.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ty-237032.html

[N0help4u]

How can we tell you how to manage it if you do not post everything on one post and not contradict yourself??
You started saying he is a good Christian that wouldn't cheat, then you accused him of cheating, then you asked if he could be gay, then you asked about if he was narcissistic, NOW you have him all the way up to a drug history that I must of missed in your bunch of posts.
I asked WHAT is he actually doing that makes you think he is ''so complex''?

How do you expect us to answer when we haven't gotten any full straight answers from you?
Does he stay out all night and you have no idea where he is?
Is he doing drug deals or doing drugs that you know for sure?
Is he looking at gay porn?
Is he talking on the phone and hiding who he is talking to?
What makes you think he is narcissistic? Not paying attention to you and being argumentative doesn't make one narcissistic.

You haven't said WHAT he is doing! Just things that don't add up.

On the flimsy stuff you have told us, you manage it by getting counseling, telling your husband you are not going to put up with it any more or you will divorce him. Is that what you are looking for??

[Alty]

Wow, Nohelp, I had no idea she had posted so many confusing threads.

OP, we really need the whole story in order to give you accurate advice.

Mod's maybe all her posts should be merged?

[NeedKarma]

Wow, Nohelp, I had no idea she had posted so many confusing threads.

OP, we really need the whole story in order to give you accurate advice.

I pointed that out in the 8th post in this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ml#post1151251

[Choux]

AND, the poor guy is going to counselling to help himself, and he has to face a lot of blaming, nagging and complaining at home.

Some people just don't understand that they make their own problems.

[Alty]

Sorry NeedKarma, I didn't see that. :(

The OP hasn't been back for a while, I hope she returns.

[bushg]

The next big blow up and she will return with more grasping at straws, her post seem to be sporadic.

[N0help4u]

She jumped all over me in her narcissistic post.
She is claiming he is into drugs because she found light bulbs and straw pens.

[Alty]

Light bulbs and straw pens, oh no, I have both! ;)

I think she's just a nervous wreck and reads too much into ordinary everyday things. Maybe hubby is fed up, if she acts like this here, can you imagine what she's like at home. Always asking questions, are you on drugs, are you gay, are you cheating? That's got to get annoying after a while.

[N0help4u]

Here is what she said when she went off on me

I'm asking to figure out how to manage it. What exactly did I say that would make you pass judgement. If you were a so called "expert" than you would realize that all my questions have to do with this one complex issue. A husband with a drug history cheats. Wow is that really all that unbelievable. I am struggling right now with this, and I don't want to blame him I want to try to do what I can to fix the situation but I'm trying to find out if that is even possbile. What because I'm trying to understand him and am actually trying to work it out I'm weird. You don't know me... but you seem to be pretty miserable. I'm guessing you are single aren't you and hate everybody huh... oh you poor thing you just didn't get hugged enough did you. Well kiddo try really hard to have a good day anyway by the way what are the qualifications to say you're an expert? I didn't realize that at "ASK ME HELP DESK" there were only certain questions that were acceptable. I guess I could just ask you first to make sure that they were OK??

[Alty]

Wow, she's got a huge chip on her shoulder. I think this is a case of, I'll ask and you tell me what I want to hear.

[Synnen]

Merging all of her questions would probably actually muddle things---because all of the responses would make no sense, all jumbled together like that.

And can you blame her for not coming back at this point? The last few posts have been a discussion between members about her, in HER thread, and have been extremely unflattering to her, and have not addressed her at all.


mta, we need the WHOLE story. Sit down and write out ONE question that addresses all of your concerns and why you have them. Right now, everything is getting muddled because your questions seem to jump all over about your husband. Either you are extremely paranoid and don't trust your husband at all, or you are in an situation you need to get out of right away---or BOTH.

Please come back and post the whole story so we can better help you.

[linnealand]

Before I post, I want to say that I don't know what caused this antagonism towards the OP, but I don't see why she deserves it. I skimmed her posts, and maybe I missed something, but being called a nagger or a blamer by anyone does not mean it's true. Nohelp, you are always so incredibly helpful, and I thought your first post was incredibly insightful, especially since you prefaced it by writing that you're not an expert on the subject. Like I said, I've been trying to figure out what went wrong here, but I'm feeling a little lost by it. Since we aren't seeing anyone in real life, it can be difficult to judge the situation. We have to go by their word and their own perceptions of the situation.

mta, just so you know, there are different experts on this site, but most of us posters are just regular people who try our best to help answer what we can. There are times that answers are wrong, and there are times when even the experts don't get it exactly right.

Calling someone a narcissist is no small accusation, as I'm sure you know. It is, in fact, very serious, and it very well may be the case.

Narcissism is an incredibly complex issue, and it is often unbelievably difficult for anyone who is close to them, so you can only imagine what it is like to be in a marriage with one. It really looks to me like the signs laid out by you, mta, are in fact classic symptoms that show up in narcissistic personality disorder. They can also come from other factors, but I have a feeling that you may be "grasping for straws" to identify something that you know is "off." I would not take that kind of gut feeling lightly, and I'm glad you reached out for help.

I know toxic narcissism from experience, and it can be an impossible heavy burden to bear. My dad, who is an extremely influential psychologist and highly successful in his own life, is also a toxic narcissist. My mom sent me a book she read on the subject, which she thought would help me to gain insight on the situation, and I think it would be extremely helpful for you to read. It can help you to assess your own situation, whatever it is, and if he is in fact what you think he is, it can really help you to understand what you need to do for your own well being. This might mean staying with him, but it might mean leaving.

Here's the book:

Help! I'm in Love With a Narcissist by steven carter and julia sokol

I know that it's available on amazon.com. One major factor in determining if someone is indeed a toxic narcissist is whether they are capable of empathy. The real detrimental truth of the matter is that, for various reasons, most narcissists are never "cured."

I wish you all the best, and I hope your relationship improves. If it can't be saved, I hope you save yourself.

Okay, I'm adding an edit here. I skimmed some of your other posts before writing this, but I just finished reading all of them thoroughly. I don't know if he is a narcissist. It would explain a whole lot, but it's entirely possible that something else is going on. In any case, the book I suggested could help to clear some of those questions up for you. Whether your husband addresses the issues that are potentially damaging your relationship, you might want to go into counseling for yourself. It could certainly take some of the pressure off you trying to figure things out on your own. I have written a lot to you because your story touched me. I hope you come back and post. I wish you well.

[EightEleven91]

I tried asking this already but I guess it didnt post. But I must know, what are some signs that a man could be gay? What are some signs that he has already had a sexual encounter? please be as detailed as you can this is very important. thank you.

In truth its not as easy as that I'm afraid.
I wish it was but its not.. People say "If hes camp (acts like a girl) then he is." No, that's wrong, and I suspect he doesn't anyway.
You'll either have to ask him or notice if he checks guys out.

[linnealand]

I know this thread isn't brand new, but I wanted to contribute to it anyway since I know that mta is still dealing with these issues.

Jbeaucaire, your post was outstanding. I've never seen that kind of advice presented so well. Ever.

My parents were married for 37 years. The last five of those years, my dad started cheating on my mom with all kinds of women. All of us believe that he was a faithful man until it started. Then the problem got totally out of control. My mom, who is a good and gentle person, did everything you can imagine to get him to stop from therapy to actually waiting it out. But once he began with the lies, they got bigger and bigger until everything he did was manipulative in some way or another. At one point, she found that he had a spare cell phone. He denied it. Then she called the number and heard his voice on his voice mail saying to leave a message. Even then he denied it. She even played it in front of him, and he made up some crazy lie saying that someone asked him to make their voice mail message. There are all kinds of ways people can convince themselves that what they're doing is right, no matter how religious, pious or moral they think they are.

Here's the thing - he thinks he's a really ethical guy.

He even thought that it was unfair of my mom to make him choose between her and his girlfriend(s). This may not be the case in your story, but I can promise you that I never, ever would have believed that this would have happened had I not seen it myself.

I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be okay, but not every story ends when it should. I hope that things start looking up for you soon.