[lola nyc]

Hi all!

Ok I'll try and make this short.

We were dating 2 years in NY and then he moved to CA for work. It's been an additional 4 yrs. Making it a 6 yr relationship..

Throughout we were fine! But he was always iffy on marriage.. very afraid, his parents divorced late in life and he says he had no good role models..

He's 38 by the way.. Im 33.

He has been daling with depression on his own. Doesn't talk to a therapist.. only his mom knew but she didn't seem to help him.

So we went on this nice trip for his sisters wedding.. then came his birthday.. and after that it went down hill.. he stopped calling as much, wouldn't answer my texts..

Then one day he says he needs therapy.. is taking lexipro which is a depression drug.. but hasn't gotten a therapist yet.

THEN he drops it on me.. Soo where is this going.. I think we need a break...
Im like break from what? We hardly see each other!

So he says he needs to figure out what he wants from his life, what to do.. he doesn't recognize himslef anymore.. he feels old.. marriage is final.. he said the baby the house.. I can't do it...

So I cried for 2 hrs on the phone with him.. yes I know. Asking why? How could he do this.. etc. so then he says OK forget I said anything..

Next day it came up again and he says

"cant you just do this for me?" so I finally said OK.

What does a break mean? I never did this before I said. We never said to not call... but that's what it has been.

I asked him how long will this be for he says with a bit of tone I don't know...

OK so its been 7 WEEKS No contact...

Our anniversary is next week. IM DYING to know if he'll call.. I mean he prob won't.. but.. I'm still hoping for flowers at least,. if he ignores it UGHH

So then my birthday is coming up the end of Aug.. I figured if he doesn't call me for that then I should call him?

What do you all think??

How long is TOO long on a break? Some people said 1 month is too long while Ive heard give him until the end of the year!!

I love him sooo much.. I believe he is trying to work this out.. he does have a messed of family life.. but cmon!

Any guys on here ever feel work stress, family stress and then just need to take a break to clear your head?

Help please I don't want to fall off the wagon and call him! I just cant! I don't even know what to say! :eek:

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Telling someone that they want a 'break' is a nice way of saying we are done.
I've heard and seen it many times.

To be honest, I don't know how you consider a long distance relationship a relationship at all...

[lola nyc]

I forgot to mention.. He always says I see things black and white...
What the heck does that mean? It's a figure of speech I know.. but what the heck is our grey area here>?

Maybe meaning asking for a break isn't breaking up?

Im an all or nothing kind of girl... yes or no.. I don't do maybes'.. I can't I'm impatient, I get anxiety waiting.. Im horrible! I just NEED to know the outcome..

[JsMommy1204]

Do NOT call him! When he said he needed a break, he did not mean call him. Just leave him alone. I understand you might have very strong feelings for him, but you cannot control how he feels. If he feels overwhelmed, depressed etc.. Then its something he needs to remedy before he can even consider working things out with you. And getting help is a decision he needs to make on his own. You cannot force it upon him. Im sure he loves you as well, but depression is self destructive. He will risk all he loves... so long as he doesn't have to face reality. Im sorry your getting hurt in the process... but that's lfe. After 6 years, "breaks" seem a bit ridiculous to me.. especially if the relationship is long distant to begin with. I say let him go, give him time.. If he really is meant to be the one for you... then he will come back to you! Believe it! But until then, just leave him alone. Do not sacrifice your pride and dignity for a man that does not take your feelings into consideration..

Hope this kind of helps! Good luck, hon!

[lola nyc]

Yeah Ive heard that before.. also Ive heard they have someone on the side etc.. But why even take a break? He is CA he could cheat all he wants Id never know.

And we just had a great vacation.. If he was thinking of ending it totally why would he pay 2 grand for this trip. He couldve left me home and got lucky with his sisters friends..

I think its more than that.. I still have hope. I asked him point blank DO you still love me? He said YES.. I said no but really love me like that.. meaning more than friends.. he said yes.

Could be a cop out... so I wouldn't cry but you know at that point I already hyperventilated for 2 hrs... it couldn't get worse LOL

I just want to know howlong do guys take to think about their life.. if they are going to make this HUGE change what's a typical time?

He wanted to move to CA for yrs... took him a while to actually do it. So maybe this is the same.. Or maybe Im wishful...

I want to marry him.. he knows that.. he's deathly afraid of marriage and divorce and losing himself.. its not like he goes out with people and parties it up.. he doesn't..

He also lives in a house with 5 roomates because he doesn't know what he wants to do.

[lola nyc]

Thanks JSMommy!

I know.. I have to be strong.. Its SOOOO hard!
I won't call.. Im just scared.. I don't know why we are on this break either.. Ive never believed in them you know? To me its failure..

If you know you know...

He also said Its been 6 yrs who doesn't know by now and then he says well I guess its kind of like Shi* or get off the pot.. like either we are getting married or we are breaking up.. so he needs time to FIGURE out a few things.. claims he has A lot going on...

LOL I know Im remembering bits and pieces as I write on...

Thanks for your opinion! It feels good to hear some kind words!

[JsMommy1204]

Well, if all he is asking for.. is time. Then give it to him. Don't stress yourself out... you'll only make it worse for you. Just be patient... and enjoy this "single" time you have. Go out, enjoy life. Life is too short to waste it like this.

He'll come around. And if not, you need to accept it. Time heals all... and he will eventually realize his mistake. Better hope its not too late. I really believe that after 6 years in a relationship, you have to have some kind of stability and know what you want in life. Especially at that age. I think he is a little too old to be in that "i dont know what i want" stage. He needs to man up, put some pants on and, tuck in his 'equipment'! Either decide what he wants out of you, or let you go. You shouldn't have to pay for his indecisiveness.. especially if your sure of what you want.

[lola nyc]

Yeah JS your right he does need to man up!

It is sad that he can't decide if he wants to continue working out there or move back,, He hates his job then he loves it.. He didn't think it was a good idea for me to move I guess because Id leave my job, Friends family everything.. and if he doesn't know what's the point of me doing all that.

I hate this waiting though.. How long is long enough! That Id have a reason to call... 4 months? I don't know what to do? Should I wait until after my birthday and if he doesn't call me.. then that's pretty messed up and I have a right to know what's going on. Right?

[ylaira]

I got here at Askme because of the same problem. Same here long distance, guy has a depression &was also told about Black and white thing, which means you see things literraly.

He loves you trust me, so relax.Its not easy but just give him a break, its hard but, the best thing to show for now that you love him is giving him space. Don't kill yourself thinking and worrying. It won't do any benefit.

[lola nyc]

Thanks ylaira

So I see things literally? UGH Im confused.. after what I told you what was I taking too literally?

Ive been asking around what the heck this black and white thing means LOL..

But thank you Im trying to relax.. its hard but I will try =)

How much do you think is TOO much space in this situation?

[ylaira]

I mean as you say you don't want IN BETWEEN: You want ALL OR NOTHING, Break up with you or be into you, but unfotunately he want IN BETWEEN for now.

My advice to you, pile up gifts he gave you and read back the letters or cards.

I can't tell how long is the wait. Mine took more than a month but its not totally NC. We phone like once a week comopared to everyday before that. Its a big adjustment really. I really thought he's falling out love with me and I cry everyday, every time I think of him but in the course of that, I realized so many things and I can say were a lot better now, specially me.

[ylaira]

We women tend to overlook the value of SPACE. You will know now after this. Also visit Askme a lot and I laugh how I look ridiculous back then. You are not alone dear, try to search "Need for Space" topic here. You'll get fed up!

[talaniman]

He asked for a break, then its over, and you must stop all the contact, and you should heal, and regroup your life, without him in it.

Its not fair for you to sit there, and wait for him to decide your important enough to be with, given his personal issues, that could take years to work out.

Time to take control, and responsibility, for your own happiness.

[lola nyc]

What contact am I stopping? I haven't had contact in weeks.
And He told me I could see other people if I wanted but not to tell him about it. He said he wasn't going to see anyone.

I don't feel like it's a bad thing that Im waiting for his final answer.. I have hope that we will work out. We had NO problems. Other than distance.. He isn't sure he wants to buy a home out in CA that's another big prob. He also isn't sure he wants to stay there long term. There are so many factors.. Then his family.. His dads money issues, his sisters fits of rage.. I mean there is a lot but I love him.. He is not a bad person at all.. We all have problems he just has depression and can't get out of the funk.

I think he has enough respect for me to tell me if it was over with NO hope.. not to just let it fade out.. He knows Im not the type to let it fade with no REAL explanation.

If he never called me again.. say its oct.. No way in hell would I not call him and ask is going on. Space or no space.

[ylaira]

Good.you know him more, you have a better judgement.

[lola nyc]

Yeah I feel like I know what he's going through.. I feel like he wants to feel the loss of me to really get him thinking like OK now I know I need her.

He called me his best friend. Said he could never imagine never speaking to me again.. yet he knows that if we break up for good.. I will NOT be his friend.

Just a few weeks prior he called my cell and left me a voicemail saying hello Mrs (then his name.. )

I feel like he knows marriage is the next step and it has to happen this year or within the year..

He wanted to heal himself.. get therapy.. take whatever pills he needed..
His sister was in the hospital a few weeks before the break.. she had an episode.. freaked out.. the father and mother who are divorced had a huge falling out.. then the dad called him and his other sister Blaming them for things.. I mean it was a mess..

I wish I knew how he was though. I know not to call. Id hate to ruin any progress if any that we made here. At least if anything he'll know Im strong and respect his space and his request for that space..

Remember he said OK we'll forget it.. but I don't think we would ever progress without this.. it mightve been more of the same..

Im just praying he misses me in the ways that I need. Not just as a friend but more,

Time will tell I guess...

I guess I'll know soon enough.. if anything by my birthday. Id be upset if I didn't get a card or something. He has to know that.

[talaniman]

Any guys on here ever feel work stress, family stress and then just need to take a break to clear your head?

It been my experience that couples have a better chance of surviving when they work together through adversity.

It's a big red flag to me, when a relationship only works during the good times. Especially if marriage is being considered.

[JsMommy1204]

I think if he doesn't call you by your birthday, then you def. need to move on. That would be selfish and cold hearted of him... and you don't deserve that! Also, keep in mind that too much space can be comfortable. He might start to like that lifestyle of no commitment, no worries. Just give him space, and if he still doesn't call eventually... then you need to move on, sweety. You can't live your life, depending on a man that's not ready to grow up.. TRUST ME! I've been there..

[lola nyc]

Ok see Im leaving a lot of things out here.. I can't write every situation we have had over 6 yrs.. We have had bad times with his family, and we talked and it isn't something I can fix for him! They won't ever change. He needs a way to deal. His own father has NO clue that he's depressed. He won't tell him because it would break his heart, His other sister who he works with has NO CLUE... Im the only one he told that he has mental issues.. Im the only one he told that he ordered drugs online.. he's trying to fix himself on his own.. RATHER than see a doctor. He's afraid of failure. He's afraid to talk.. he has no friends to vent to.. he couldn't tell them.. he would feel weak!

So to put all the blame on him is crazy. I can understand that he feels embarrassed that he's having a meltdown. Because that's what it is.. It's a breakdown.


He has a lot on his plate.. and after 6 yrs if I don't give him a chance.. what type of person does that make me? Do I REALLY love him? Even through his suffering? For all I know he could be on drugs and drinking away.. I don't know. I doubt he's out getting laid. I can't think that way of him.

He never told me to wait for him either . That's my choice. If I feel so much love for him I have to give him a chance. This is the 1st time we've done this in 6yrs! There are so many people on these boards who break up and go back and break up and go back.. and you seem to have the same advice for everyone.. GO out and find yourself LOL...

So silly...

I already HAVE everything else in my life that I need. But this man holds my heart. And if to you it seems stupid.. so be it.

I just wanted to hear if anyone's been on a break. I have never done it before. I didn't make rules with him.. I didn't know I could. I didn't ask if we would call.. I just said goodbye.

I didn't want to call him too soon. If he has to work out these problems and figure out what he wants.. if I called to inquire how he is.. would that ruin the point of the break.

I was going to wait until after my birthday to call.. it isn't that far away and it should be long enough without me looking needy and clingy. And enough time for him to feel a bit different.

Again it isn't like I'm missing out going out with friends and hooking up with guys.. UGH Im not like that.. and I couldn't even attempt to talk to a guy.. Id puke.

I go out and do stuff. I work full time.. I hang out.. blah blah blah...

I feel like half my body is cut out. That's how much it hurts.. and yes I probably need therepy too.

But its expensive 150 + an hour.. I want to solve this myself and he's prob thinking the same thing.

[lola nyc]

JS

Yes I know..

I didn't want to give him TOO much time.. Ive read 3 months should be long enough.. So after my birthday its about that. And yes if he didn't call then yeah.. Id be pissed off.. and prob know that its over. But I want to see him face to face. He can't break up over the phone. NO WAY. I can't let him do that. Not after all Ive been through.

Well anyway I guess I'll see if he calls me next week for our anniversary, if he doesn't.. I don't know if I will make it past the weekend without calling him.

It will be 2 months.. I mean that could be long enough too right? And Icould have a right to call after our anniversary if he doesn't call me or send me anything or text or email..

Im DYING to know what's going on. Its easy for outsiders to say its long enough.. but is it really?

Id have to wait an additional 5 weeks.. what do you think should I call next weekend? After our anniversary?