[skyjmpr357]

I have been daring a widow for around a year and a half. About 8 months after her husband passed away we starting talking and eventually started dating. She has 2 children by her late husband and an adopted teen ager from his prior relationship. I have grown to love them all as if they were my own. Towards the beginning of the relationship we did talk about him and a little about their past relationship. Usually there were a lot if tears but we seemed to work them. I expressed my understanding about loss to her since I was a combat veteran. Around the anniversary times seemed to be the hardest but again we seemed to work through it. Around the anniversary of his death last year she was thinking that I deserved someone that could give me more then she was in the relationship. I talked her out of that and we all nada fantastic time on a Florida vacation. Lately she has been distancing herself again. About a month and a half ago she took me to a weekend spa and it pretty much solidified my love for her and the kids. His anniversary day if passing was just about two weeks ago. I was there to support her and the kids and it seemed to be going well. I thought that I dodged a bullet but I was wrong. For the past 2 weeks she has been out of town periodically for the teenagers softball games and in Monday when she got back she pulled me to the bedroom and said she needed to talk to me. She let me know that she wasent happy and that she was really missing what she had. I did a lot of the remodeling of the house for her and she told me that its beautiful but she hates it. I just don't get it sometimes. I thought that I was doing all the right things, comforting the kids, especially the teenager when needed. I help with all the homework, I actually get along with his mother and have done work at her house for her. I guess the only concerns I had were that I do have to work a great deal and can't be at every game but I try or that we have two different parenting styles but I have not acted on because I was trying to figure the right time to step up. On min she lest me know that its not fair to be foe ne to be there for her and not for her to be there for me and that she needed time to sort things out. I was devastated. The next day while I was at work she texted me to have lunch with her and the kids. I couldn't go because I has already went. Yesterday was the 6 year olde birthday. I did drop off a card for him and when I saw her she gave ne a very tight embrace and a nice kiss. She will usually text or call daily. I am trying to give her the space she needs but is there anything more I can do and is there any hope for us? While I was there dropping if the card I checked and everything of mine is still in the same place. We were planning a vacation in August do you think that is still a possibility or am I just praying for something that is now over? I just don't want to loose her or the kids. What advise can you give me?

[HistorianChick]

It sounds like you really do love this woman and her children. Being there for her and for the kids is one of the best things that you can do.

Losing someone to death is a different matter than losing someone to a divorce or a breakup. As you know, a divorce or a break up is a decision, a death is an unexpected tragedy. It is going to take time for her to heal from this loss.

My advice to you would to simply be there for her. She sounds confused and torn between her love for you and her love for the husband she lost. There may be guilt there - feelings that she must have not loved him as much as she thought because she is in love with you. (That is not true, mind you, but it is probably going through her mind)

The loss is still very fresh in her heart. A year is not a lot of time at all. I lost my Dad almost 5 years ago and I still can't believe it has been "so long." I can't imagine losing a spouse - a spouse that I was so in love with.

She does need time. She needs time to heal her heart and to open it up to the love that you offer. It sounds like you honestly and truly love her and want to be that person to wipe away the tears and help her make a wonderful new family... but to do that, you're going to have to have patience. Give her the time that she needs, but assure her that you are not going anywhere, that you love her, and that you understand. Don't be upset at her for being confused.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

[talaniman]

She is healing from a great loss, and has many adjustments to make, and as I see it, you have helped her greatly. She will always be grateful, but is she ready for a full blown romance?

She has herself ,and her kids, to put before all this, and for now, remain her friend as that's what she needs, and I guess you run the risk of staying a friend, at least for now, as she is simply not ready for what you want but a friendship is most welcome.

This is a case of putting her, and her kids needs before your own. A year and a half is hardly enough time to for them to be comfortable with their new life, that was put upon them.

Give THEM time and patience, and understanding of what they have been through. Hang in there.

[Chery]

As long as your things are still in the same place, they are making a place for you in their hearts too.

A widow will never forget memories of her partner and children will never forget their father, but at least they are giving you a chance to enter their lives and it will take time.

Keep letting them know you care and are there for them.