[bigdee]

Hi Michelle,
At the very least you need to have a face to face with him and ask him what the deal is. He is most likely giving some payback. If he tells you so, then what he is looking for is an acknowledgment and apology. But if you feel that you did nothing wrong then don't apologize for the sake of apologizing. Total honesty is needed at this time.

However I can almost guarantee he is looking for an apology. He is putting the ball in your court. And if you are unable to give a sincere one, you have to accept the possibility that what you had with him may end right then and there.

[Michelle4452]

You gave him the silent treatment for no reason. You admitted that. He hadn't done anything to deserve being brushed off for a week or more, but you just did it anyway. YOU said you ignored his "calling you like crazy".

You were wrong. I have no idea what position you think you're defending that "you believe so strongly in" that you won't apologize for that.

You hurt him. You tried to act like "EVERYTHING was fine" and ignore what you did. Well, HE remembers if you don't.
Hon, you best rethink that. From your own story you've admitted in this situation YOU did him wrong for no reason...and you have no ability to apologize for that?

You not only need to be able to humbly apologize to people you love when you do them harm, intentionally or not (and this time it was intentional), but you ALSO need to realize that apologizing to a loved one to open the doors of communication again is a REQUIRED skill.

If you stand by your guns about never using sincere apology technique to calm and console a loved one, you are crippling your happiness factor in the future. I'm just saying, someday you'll love someone enough to realize what I'm talking about. Perhaps you just don't have "it" for this guy to that degree. And that's fine.

Meanwhile, none of that applies here. You "cold shouldered" him and then acted like you hadn't hurt him. Well, you did, you need to own it, you need to apologize and the apology needs to be one that's not aimed at getting him back into your arms, rather it's an apology aimed at just saying "I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive my pointless hurtfulness."

Feel free now to ignore all this and stand by your "never gonna apologize" standard. How that helps you I don't know. In my best relationship, it's not about winning or being right, it's about being loving and accountable. I do not consider apologizing a "loss", but you clearly do. That's unfortunate, because it's actually the first volley in a win-win game.

Thanks again, JB. Okay, I don't consider "whatever reason" to be the same as "no reason" because obviously, there WAS a reason. The implication of "please don't ask" valitified the "whatever reason", at least to me it did. So, to me, my actions were not intentional. Okay, wait, I INTENTIONALLY ignored his calls because that is WHAT I WANTED to do at that time. Did I know it was inflicting pain upon him at that time? Nope. Did it ever cross my mind? Nope. I am defending the fact that I DO what's in my best interest and I KEEP my happiness at the forefront. At the time, from an emotional standpoint, I thought it was in my best interest NOT to take his calls. When I felt otherwise, I took his call. Do I apologize for that? Nope. Do I think I was WRONG at that time? Nope, I think not.

Hurt? Harm? Pain? Grief? Did I truly cause that? Hmm, how on earth do I know, I am not a mind reader because he DEFINITELY didn't mention it, suggest it, infer it or anything similar. So, my question is where's the indication that MY ACTIONS inflicted pain upon him?

I cold shouldered him, I ignored him, I acted as if everything was perfectly normal! Yes, I did all of the aforementioned and I OWN it. I OWN IT! Gosh, I OWN IT! :D Will I apologize for the things I just OWNED up to? Was any of my actions done UNINTENTIONAL? Nope! Will I apologize for my intentional actions? For all intent purposes, I think you already know the answer.

Michelle

[JBeaucaire]

Hehe, Ok, I completely understand you now. Wow, interesting stuff, but OK. I get it.

I can't imagine why your guy isn't calling you, you seem to be perfectly fine. It must be him.

[Michelle4452]

Hi Michelle,
At the very least you need to have a face to face with him and ask him what the deal is. He is most likely giving some payback. If he tells you so, then what he is looking for is an acknowledgment and apology. But if you feel that you did nothing wrong then don't apologize for the sake of apologizing. Total honesty is needed at this time.

However I can almost guarantee he is looking for an apology. He is putting the ball in your court. And if you are unable to give a sincere one, you have to accept the possibility that what you had with him may end right then and there.

Thanks bigdee! I think it's pretty safe to say that he is indeed giving me some payback. However, if he was hurt by my actions and is expecting an apology, why on earth did he NOT reveal this information when I finally took his call 7 days ago? Wouldn't you think that even if I was wrong at the time, his actions AFTER the fact overrides mine? If so, I am no longer the guilty party, he is.

Michelle

[bigdee]

Thanks bigdee! I think it's pretty safe to say that he is indeed giving me some payback. However, if he was hurt by my actions and is expecting an apology, why on earth did he NOT reveal this information when I finally took his call 7 days ago? Wouldn't you think that even if I was wrong at the time, his actions AFTER the fact overrides mine? If so, I am no longer the guilty party, he is.

Michelle

I would guess that he wants you to recognize his feelings and apologize without him needing to express anything to you. When you guys got together after that first "pause" initiated by you, he was waiting for you to explain yourself and gave you a bit of time to do so. When he realized that he wasn't going to get it, he then tried to make his point and "nudge" an apology out of you by giving you the silent treatment. I would rather he just flat out tell you the deal but sometimes it is hard to get across your true feelings in situations like this because of emotions. I can relate...

[Michelle4452]

Hehe, Ok, I completely understand you now. Wow, interesting stuff, but OK. I get it.

I can't imagine why your guy isn't calling you, you seem to be perfectly fine. It must be him.

LOL. Whew JB, I thought you and I were many posts away from some interesting dialogue. What a party pooper you are! LOL :D :D You want to discuss the interesting stuff? LOL

Okay, if anyone TRIED to figure about why he hadn't called, reversed the ignore call role or what have you, they would just be exercising their brain cells. What is he thinking? Don't know, not a mind reader. If I asked him and he told me whatever, would I really know why he wasn't calling? Don't know, not a mind reader. Do I want to know why he's acting the way he's acting? Not really. The truth of the matter is that HE and HE alone is the ONLY ONE know the choices behind his actions. Do I want "SUGGESTIONS" on what I should do after the big picture is put into focus? Gee, that would really be nice!

Michelle

[talaniman]

please do not ask me why, one day, I decided to become distant and I STOPPED ALL communication with him for almost a week. I

This is your "game" as you write it, was after the perfection, and out of the blue with no reason, and for some reason that I can't see, you bear no responsibility for it nor the effects it obviously had on him. That's incredible.

[Synnen]

You've gotten suggestions.

An apology and an explanation would go a long way to fixing things.

You "decided" to not take his calls, without giving him an explanation. That's just rude, frankly. Even if your explanation was "I can't talk to you right now, I have some things to deal with", you still owe him an apology--if for nothing else, then you owe it for being rude. If you truly can't see that you treated him badly, whether he verbally acknowledged that to you, then you're a bit more "me me me" than most people are--put yourself in his shoes: do YOU like it that he's not talking to you for what is, apparently, no reason whatsoever?

I apologize all the time for things that I do deliberately. "Sorry I'm late, mom--the ice cream shop was calling my name and I couldn't resist." "Sorry I didn't call to let you know I was going to be late, honey. I know I promised, but the meeting ran late at work and then I just wanted to get out of there". I apologize ANY time that I am rude and have made it so that someone else is inconvenienced by my actions, intentional or not. Yeah, I could have skipped ice cream, and yeah, I could have just called--but I didn't. And neither did you. While maybe you didn't PROMISE to call, you made it a habit to call, and you really made this man worry because you couldn't be bothered by him at the time, and THEN you had the gall to act like nothing at all had happened--that's like walking into church in the middle of the sermon, and then farting loudly enough to echo off the rafters--and not excusing yourself.

[Michelle4452]

This is your "game" as you write it, was after the perfection, and out of the blue with no reason, and for some reason that I can't see, you bear no responsibility for it nor the effects it obviously had on him. Thats incredible.

Talaniman, I respect your opinion about this "game" that you keep mentioning. However, I don't understand how anyone can get "whatever reason = no reason", can you shed some light on this for me? You know, have you for one minute considered the fact that the reason that you CAN'T see that I don't bear no responsibility for this actions is because it's not there, written or otherwise? You see, at whatever cost, I am one that ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY for my own actions.

Did I take the calls? NO! Was I wrong? To me, NO! Why? Because I did what was best for ME at the time. Wow Michelle, that is SUCH a SELF RIGHTEOUS deed! You think? Of course, why should I think otherwise? Wait, Wait, Michelle one more thing, do you think you should accept responsibility for AN UNKNOWN {Obvious} affect that you had on him? Hmm, will you ACCEPT the answer "what effect"?

Michelle

[sokay]

Hmm, will you ACCEPT the answer "what effect"?

Well I'm sure he was worried about you. He probably didn't know if you'd been kidnapped and murdered on vacation. You hear about that happening to tourists on vacation, look at poor Natalie Holloway. That must've been nerve wracking for him. So yeah, I think you should at least apologize for that. The fact that you're not being very contrite is probably making him think much worse about the whole situation.

That said, things do happen and sometimes a person has to do some soul-searching. There's plenty of times in my life where I'd like to disengage for a while. So if you were contrite, and he blew you off for one mistake after a long successful relationship, then I'd say 'bad on him', but that's not really the case. The ball's in your court at this juncture.

[Michelle4452]

You've gotten suggestions.

An apology and an explanation would go a long way to fixing things.

You "decided" to not take his calls, without giving him an explanation. That's just rude, frankly. Even if your explanation was "I can't talk to you right now, I have some things to deal with", you still owe him an apology--if for nothing else, then you owe it for being rude. If you truly can't see that you treated him badly, whether or not he verbally acknowledged that to you, then you're a bit more "me me me" than most people are--put yourself in his shoes: do YOU like it that he's not talking to you for what is, apparently, no reason whatsoever?

I apologize all the time for things that I do deliberately. "Sorry I'm late, mom--the ice cream shop was calling my name and I couldn't resist." "Sorry I didn't call to let you know I was going to be late, honey. I know I promised, but the meeting ran late at work and then I just wanted to get out of there". I apologize ANY time that I am rude and have made it so that someone else is inconvenienced by my actions, intentional or not. Yeah, i could have skipped ice cream, and yeah, I could have just called--but I didn't. And neither did you. While maybe you didn't PROMISE to call, you made it a habit to call, and you really made this man worry because you couldn't be bothered by him at the time, and THEN you had the gall to act like nothing at all had happened--that's like walking into church in the middle of the sermon, and then farting loudly enough to echo off the rafters--and not excusing yourself.

Hi Synnen, I find it interesting that you would make the comparison of apologizing with common courtesy and manners. Yes, I DECIDED not to take the calls. Was I rude? I think not. Now, had I did what you suggested and answered the calls when I DIDN'T WANT to, I could have very well possibly been rude, but as it stands now, I was not rude.

Treated him badly? I would'nt go that far to say that. Do I like the fact that I am in his shoes now and he's ignoring me? NO, No, and NO! Is he doing it APPARENTLY for NO REASON WHATSOEVER? NO, NO and NO! There's a REASON even though it is an UNDISCLOSED REASON. Still, do I like it, NO. Well, why not, Michelle? Because "I prefer riding on the "DRIVER" side and NOT the "passenger" side.

All of the above apologetic examples that you gave above, when it was all said and done, YOU STILL DID WHAT MADE Synnen happy at the time and based upon all of your wonderfully instilled manners, you apologized. However, you did not apologize for your INTENTIONAL actions, you apologized for the UNINTENTIONAL actions (i.e. I am not apologizing for stopping to get ice cream, I'm apologizing for NOT being here at the designated time or for not keeping my word or for whatever the result of the unintentional action).

LOL. I must tell you that your last few sentences sheds more light on this whole situation and is quite an eye opener. No, I didn't PROMISE to call, but I DID MAKE it a habit to call. Was he worried? Under any other circumstances, I would probably say, I don't know because I am not a mind reader. However, if the truth be told, YES, he was worried! How do I know, because HE TOLD me that "HE GOT WORRIED" after not hearing from me. Do I know why he got worried? Yep, he told me. However, even with all that I JUST stated, what does my actions have to do with his NOW actions, what's the connections?

I am ROTFLOL about my galls of acting like nothing happened compared to walking into the church in the middle of the sermon farting that loud. ROTFLOL. If anything else, this comparison "MIGHT" get me to see things a little differently. Thanks for the laugh, Synnen!

[JBeaucaire]

I'm sorry I even brought up apologizing. (blinks innocently)

[Michelle4452]

Well I'm sure he was worried about you. He probably didn't know if you'd been kidnapped and murdered on vacation. You hear about that happening to tourists on vacation, look at poor Natalie Holloway. That must've been nerve wracking for him. So yeah, I think you should at least apologize for that. The fact that you're not being very contrite is probably making him think much worse about the whole situation.

That said, things do happen and sometimes a person has to do some soul-searching. There's plenty of times in my life where I'd like to disengage for a while. So if you were contrite, and he blew you off for one mistake after a long successful relationship, then I'd say 'bad on him', but that's not really the case. The ball's in your court at this juncture.

Yes, he was worried, kind of along the lines of him thinking that I changed my mind about us type of stuff. I can understand him thinking different stuff about my actions. However, I can't understand the "why wait until after he heard from me" to reverse the roles and for that, my need to apologize.

You mean to tell me the ball is still in my court? I thought I passed the ball to his court during my futile attempts of contact. What about all of the missed calls he should have seen on his cell phone? What about the couple of messages I left on his cell phone? What about the text message? Those things don't count as passing the ball? Wow!

Michelle

[sokay]

Yeah they count but I think you'll have to do it a bit more.

He waited till he heard from you because he wanted to know what happened. Then after he figured out what happened he probably felt slighted and decided a little 'taste o' your own' so to speak.

Just call again, leave a message that you understand now how you made him feel. Tell him you know you deserve it. I don't think it's necessary to beg but just be contrite, then he'll probably cool off and want to see you again.

[Michelle4452]

I'm sorry I even brought up apologizing. (blinks innocently)

Are you {apologizing} JB? If so, I accept your apology for bringing up {apologizing}. LOL :D

Michelle

[Michelle4452]

Yeah they count but I think you'll have to do it a bit more.

He waited till he heard from you because he wanted to know what happened. Then after he figured out what happened he probably felt slighted and decided a little 'taste o' your own' so to speak.

Just call again, leave a message that you understand now how you made him feel. Tell him you know you deserve it. I don't think it's necessary to beg but just be contrite, then he'll probably cool off and want to see you again.

Hmmp! Let's go with this notion for a minute. He wanted to know what happened, right? How did he "figure" out what happened and Does he really know what happened? You know, I believe in meeting a person half way, seeing eye to eye, agreeing to disagree and that other stuff. So, if I have to initiate the call, what's wrong with focusing on the present and moving forward? I really don't see any point of bringing an issue of the past to the future.

I am so not the "I'm sorry, any indication of begging" type of person. I mean don't get me wrong, I do know how to apologize, but the apologies that I've extended is definitely far and few. I think that the average person would prefer me to keep my apology and stick it up my nose somewhere instead of receiving it along with the rendered justifications.

Michelle

[talaniman]

Could he be letting you know he isn't going to put up with your nonsense??

[sokay]

I think that the average person would prefer me to keep my apology and stick it up my nose somewhere instead of receiving it along with the rendered justifications.

Michelle

Hey I have to give you credit for being honest here.

Regarding how he figured it out it's because when when you finally stopped giving him the silent treatment. He found out that you weren't dead in a ditch, you weren't running away with an entire sports team, you were just ignoring him for no reason.

So that probably made him mad.

[talaniman]

Any way you cut it, doing things that affect others, and not caring, is callous and selfish. You may not think it wrong, but that's only your side of the story. Bet his would be a bit different.

[MsMewiththat]

Maybe you should do some soul searching to see if you can really answer why you did what you did? Is it possible that you did it for a reason related to the fact that he is now your boss. Perhaps it is for the best. Apologize and let things naturally progress if that is what they are meant to do. This game will eventually cross over and could very well cause problems for both of you professionally. Be mature about this and sit down and talk to him about whatever the reason was and first be honest with yourself. Right?