Hello all! I am new and love the boards.

I am confused and I probably have every right to be confused. Here is my story and situation:

History: Six years ago, I met this guy due to us having the same Professional Career. My acquaintance with him was STRICTLY professionally related, nothing more, nothing less. Basically, I knew of him from a professional standpoint only because we had a project in common. When we communicated about this project, it was via the telephone. At the end of the project, we had an opportunity to meet one time in person. Still, it was a professional setting and the whole focus was the project.

Fast forward. A year ago, a career advancement opportunity became available; I applied, interviewed, and received the position. The interviewer was the guy mentioned above; which means he is my boss and we are now working at the same location. For an entire year, we maintained a STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP. One day, as I was leaving for the day, he made a flirtatious remark to me. I blushed and asked him what he meant by the remark; he said he would tell me one day.

After a month of an occasional flirt here and there, we crossed the lines, took it to another level, and became involved. During the past two months, everything was PERFECT. Outside of our profession, we communicated on the phone every day, text each other like crazy, and saw each other weekly. Everything just rather flowed. We are both under the same impression that “FATE” brought us together. Neither of us has talked anything serious; we keep it at I miss you and I am thinking of you.

The Problem: I am on vacation for a month. For whatever reason, and please do not ask me why, one day, I decided to become distant and I STOPPED ALL communication with him for almost a week. I was miserable and missing him like crazy, I mean really, really missing him. During this time, he was calling me like crazy; he left voice messages, text messages, whatever he could do, he did. However, I would not take or return the calls.

Finally, after not being able to take it any longer because I was missing and thinking about him every waking moment, I decided to start back communicating with him and I acted as if EVERYTHING was fine. I even tried to put it on him by telling him he changed his mind or accused him of dumping me, but he wasn't trying to have that, he said I needed to spank myself for saying such things.

Well, things were back to normal, so I thought and I acted as if NOTHING ever happened. All of a sudden, the next day, he STOPPED communicating with me and started doing the Same thing to me as I did to him. Of course, I am going crazy and don't know what to make of it, it‘s been 6 days since I spoke to him and 4 days since I last attempted to contact him. What do I do? My emotions are full throttle and this is really driving me crazy. Please help!

Michelle

Sounds like he may figure pay back was due, if it lasts more than the week, most likely he decided that he did not like being treaed that way esp without some "I am sorry"

I say contact him and suggest Dinner or a movie simple as that then when out say..
'you know something... we both acted like jerks with each others emotions I'm big enough to say I'm sorry I was just not sure where my head was...
Im really sweet on you and would like to try again'
Simplistic.. yep but it sounds like you have more chance of getting it going than a lot of us here

The sack

Next time you call his voicemail, leave him a message that acknowledges that you did the same thing to him for a whole week, and that you don't blame him for giving you pay back, and that you deserve it. (You kind of do).That's probably what he's looking for. Payback. Who can blame him?

I'd say just suck it up, and when you've received your payback, you two can laugh it off and go back to normal.

Dish it out but can not take it. Hmmm, sounds like a game you do not want to play anymore.

I would say the same as above, you made the decision to act that way, not the consequence of possibly not being close anymore?

He gets that the reason why your acting and saying certain things is because you were probably thinking about those things yourself.

You may be going crazy but you need to control your emotions. I do not know if this is Chase or be chased game. You need to figure that out on your own. Just do not act desperate, whatever you do.

Into John's voice mail: "Hi John, this is Michelle. Ok, I get it. Boy do I get it. I am so very sorry for you giving you the silent treatment before. I see now just how much this hurts. I do want you to stop giving me the silent treatment, but even if you don't, just hear this one thing - I get it and I am sorry, please forgive me for doing it. Boy, I really didn't need to play games with you, and now I can accept responsibility for what I did. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Even if we're over now because of my silliness, I still hope you will forgive me so we can at least keep our friendship intact. I think that's most important of all. Again, I'm so sorry and thank you, really, for helping me see how badly I acted."

Maybe the OP, is just overreacting too. Maybe getting paranoid because of what she did to this guy. Thinking now he will do the same thing. How long as it been since he contacted you? How long did you not contact him?

Thanks Sokay! Okay, I semi did acknowledge my actions. The last time that I attempted to make contact with him, I sent a text message to him stating "I guess I now know how you must have felt or what you probably thought when you hadn't heard from me after making several attempts". Do you not think that was good enough? :cool: Although your statement has some validity in respect to my deserving the payback, admitting it to him would sound a little desperate on my behalf, I do believe. Other than that, I really don't blame him.

Michelle

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Originally Posted by sokay

Next time you call his voicemail, leave him a message that acknowledges that you did the same thing to him for a whole week, and that you don't blame him for giving you pay back, and that you deserve it. (You kinda do).That's probably what he's looking for. Payback. Who can blame him?

I'd say just suck it up, and when you've received your payback, you two can laugh it off and go back to normal.

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Thanks Sack. I do believe in being the bigger person, but at what point would it look more like desperation? The thing is, I am not sure where my head was/is and probably went into shield mode.

Michelle

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Originally Posted by MR SADSACK

I say contact him and suggest Dinner or a movie simple as that then when out say..
'you know something....we both acted like jerks with each others emotions im big enough to say im sorry i was just not sure where my head was...
Im really sweet on you and would like to try again'
Simplistic.. yep but it sounds like you have more chance of getting it going than a lot of us here

the sack

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Wow JB, Although your post sounds wonderfully well, for some odd reason, it keeps screaming desperate, chase, pursue, desperate (oops, said that already). :D Don't you think the text kind of served the same purpose?

At this point, I see that the consensus is that I played a game and I should bombard him with all sorts of I'm sorry, I played this silly game and with great hopes, you will forgive me? Whew, this is tough, really tough, tougher than tough. Wow, what a naughty girl I was. I'm feeling better already. :p

Seriously, I think it has been very well established that I started this, although not intentionally. In fact, I even mentioned it at the beginning of the post. So, can we at least move past the she started it; no he started it in an attempt to get a resolution?

Michelle

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Into John's voice mail: "Hi John, this is Michelle. Ok, I get it. Boy do I get it. I am so very sorry for you giving you the silent treatment before. I see now just how much this hurts. I do want you to stop giving me the silent treatment, but even if you don't, just hear this one thing - I get it and I am sorry, please forgive me for doing it. Boy, I really didn't need to play games with you, and now I can accept responsibility for what I did. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Even if we're over now because of my silliness, I still hope you will forgive me so we can at least keep our friendship intact. I think that's most important of all. Again, I'm so sorry and thank you really, for helping me see how badly I acted."

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Yeah my gram pa told me that a guy doesn't want a girl that always calls after they break up but they want the ones that don't call easier said then done but trust mem it works

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Originally Posted by Michelle4452

I sent a text message to him stating "I guess I now know how you must have felt or what you probably thought when you hadn't heard from me after making several attempts". Michelle

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Yes, that's a start at least. I understand not wanting to come off too desperate. But maybe you could slack of on calling him a bit. Once every other day. If this goes on for more than a week total, just call every 3 or 4 days. He probably doesn't feel like you've felt his pain yet, so it might be a couple more days before he gets back to you. But I think he will. Don't stop calling him yet, but after a while call him less and he'll probably worry and call you.

And, also, try to make the situation a bit humorous, poke a little fun of yourself for getting payback. It'll probably smooth over.

The message I suggested was a VOICE message, not a text. They aren't even remotely the same thing. And you're right, you very well could come off sounding desperate. Your goal is to use your voice tones to insure that doesn't happen, and sending that info via text removes that level of communication. As a text it could well be the wrong message, as a voice message it should work nicely, or something very similar.

I tried to word it to emphasize "I am sorry, I hope you forgive me" and intentionally left out any "please take me back / give me another chance" lingo. That's the stuff that makes it sound pleady and self-serving, when what I was going for was pure, innocent and sincere apology.

A text message can never replace a voice message, and an in-person discussion trumps them all and always will.

Acknowledge, say your sorry then leave him to decide. That's it. Plain and simple. Karma hurts so bad sometimes, you know.

You had a loosely defined relationship in the first place, before you played your games with him, and his response was right on, and honestly, I'd be worried about it happening again, and save myself the confusion and drama by leaving you alone.

Apologize, and leave him alone. You should have thought of the long term effects of your actions beforehand, so now don't be needy or desperate, just genuinely sorry, learn your lesson, and move forward. If he wants to contact you, he will, but don't bet on it.

Keep what's left of your dignity, and self respect.

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Originally Posted by sokay

Yes, that's a start at least. I understand not wanting to come off too desperate. But maybe you could slack of on calling him a bit. Once every other day. If this goes on for more than a week total, just call every 3 or 4 days. He probably doesn't feel like you've felt his pain yet, so it might be a couple more days before he gets back to you. But I think he will. Don't stop calling him yet, but after a while call him less and he'll probably worry and call you.

And, also, try to make the situation a bit humorous, poke a little fun of yourself for getting payback. It'll probably smooth over.

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Thanks again, sokay. I don't know if you missed it, but I ATTEMPTED to contact him a few times for 2 days after we last talked. After being unsuccessful, I stopped trying. It has been exactly 1 week today since the last time we talked and 5 days since I last initiated any type of contact. Mind you, these few attempts were strictly through his cell phone. So, in essence, it took me a grand total of 2 days to STOP CALLING!

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

The message I suggested was a VOICE message, not a text. They aren't even remotely the same thing. And you're right, you very well could come off sounding desparate. Your goal is to use your voice tones to insure that doesn't happen, and sending that info via text removes that level of communication. As a text it could well be the wrong message, as a voice message it should work nicely, or something very similar.

I tried to word it to emphasize "I am sorry, I hope you forgive me" and intentionally left out any "please take me back / give me another chance" lingo. That's the stuff that makes it sound pleady and self-serving, when what I was going for was pure, innocent and sincere apology.

A text message can never replace a voice message, and an in-person discussion trumps them all and always will.

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Whew, this is so hard for me. Why do I have to say I am sorry, please forgive me, I apologize or any of that other stuff? Help me understand this concept because I am sooooooo lost. I mean, I DO believe in apologizing when I KNOW for a fact that I "UNINTENTIONALLY" did something to cause someone pain. However, I "DON'T" believe in apologizing for saying or doing something that I strongly believe in. I am a strong willed person and saying I'm sorry or I apologize just because it might make someone feel better will more than likely NEVER come from my mouth or fingers.

For the record, I DO agree with your text vs. voice message concept. :D

Michelle

You gave him the silent treatment for no reason. You admitted that. He hadn't done anything to deserve being brushed off for a week or more, but you just did it anyway. YOU said you ignored his "calling you like crazy".

You were wrong. I have no idea what position you think you're defending that "you believe so strongly in" that you won't apologize for that.

You hurt him. You tried to act like "EVERYTHING was fine" and ignore what you did. Well, HE remembers if you don't.

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I am a strong willed person and saying I'm sorry or I apologize just because it might make someone feel better will more than likely NEVER come from my mouth or fingers.

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Hon, you best rethink that. From your own story you've admitted in this situation YOU did him wrong for no reason... and you have no ability to apologize for that?

You not only need to be able to humbly apologize to people you love when you do them harm, intentionally or not (and this time it was intentional), but you ALSO need to realize that apologizing to a loved one to open the doors of communication again is a REQUIRED skill.

If you stand by your guns about never using sincere apology technique to calm and console a loved one, you are crippling your happiness factor in the future. I'm just saying, someday you'll love someone enough to realize what I'm talking about. Perhaps you just don't have "it" for this guy to that degree. And that's fine.

Meanwhile, none of that applies here. You "cold shouldered" him and then acted like you hadn't hurt him. Well, you did, you need to own it, you need to apologize and the apology needs to be one that's not aimed at getting him back into your arms, rather it's an apology aimed at just saying "I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive my pointless hurtfulness."

Feel free now to ignore all this and stand by your "never going to apologize" standard. How that helps you I don't know. In my best relationship, it's not about winning or being right, it's about being loving and accountable. I do not consider apologizing a "loss", but you clearly do. That's unfortunate, because it's actually the first volley in a win-win game.

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not consider apologizing a "loss",. because it's actually the first volley in a win-win game.

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Had to spread the rep, but truer words have not been spoken!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You had a loosely defined relationship in the first place, before you played your games with him, and his response was right on, and honestly, I'd be worried about it happening again, and save myself the confusion and drama by leaving you alone.

Apologize, and leave him alone. You should have thought of the long term effects of your actions beforehand, so now don't be needy or desperate, just genuinely sorry, learn your lesson, and move forward. If he wants to contact you, he will, but don't bet on it.

Keep whats left of your dignity, and self respect.

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"Loosely defined" according to who or what meanings or interpretations? To us, the relationship was "VERY TIGHTLY" defined according to each of our own meaning. Neither of us expected something from the other that we "COULDN'T" deliver. Well, at least he didn't reveal any expectations that I couldn't deliver. WE saw something that WE BOTH wanted and WE WENT for it. In fact, after our first intimate encounter, he posed the question "where will this road take us?" Did either of us respond? Nope. Why? Probably because we were just living, enjoying life for the moment and doing what was MAKING us HAPPY! We didn't know, nor did we concern ourselves with it.

Interesting that you all refer, to it as a game because playing a game "NEVER" once crossed my mind. I do not believe in knowingly participating in games of these sorts; it's just not my cup of tea.

The wonderful word "APOLOGIZE", why apologize, especially apologize and then leave him alone, what's your rationality behind this? Is apologizing SUPPOSED to help my dignity and self respect? Sounds more like destroying it to me. :confused: Help me understand, please.

Michelle