[starlite1]

I think that you need to take time to work on yourself first. You sound insecure and relying on a man to fulfill your complete happiness is the wrong concept of marriage. Even when you are married, you need different identities. You said you are "pining" after him. Stop the pining, take control of your life and move on. A toxic relationship is not worth saving.

Hi Ways,

You are right. I do have insecurities. I have come along way over the years with them. It's not that I am relying on him for me to be happy. I didn't mean my post to come off that way. Because I love this man so much, and I love being with him as a couple, I really want things to work out between us. Granted, we both have our quirks, but that doesn't mean we cannot work through it, and that is what I would like him to see.

keep going Star, your doing well!

Thank you JPM, I am sure trying, it is really difficult at times though. :(

[Chery]

I didn't mean to hurt him or break his heart. I want him back so badly, but I want to know that in the relationship, down the road if issues arise, no matter how big or small, that we work on them together, and that his 'fantasy picture of the perfect relationship' doesn't cloud his vision and then he runs away (either emotionally or physically or both). But in the past when i try and get him back (and he was the one who broke up with me), I would talk to him, and I would get 'I'll think about it', then the answer was 'no' then months and months later, he comes back...

Any advise on how to get through to him?

My weekend was great, thanks. I gave Alexander his toys that I finally got assembled. A bike, trike and rocking horse... so we had a lot to do. The night before, I was actually out with other people from 7 PM to 5:30AM - boy was that exhausting but fun too - a B-day party.

How to get through to him?. tell him exactly what you've been telling us here - that you got cold feet and that you hope he does not expect total perfection. It's better than staying in the gray zone for the rest of your life, and who knows, he might understand and all will be fine. If not, then you can at least stop the 'what if' in your life and move on the 'from now on' stage. Fear of the unknown causes stress, so you need to make a choice and move on it.

Good luck dear. You still have a while to psych yourself up no matter what his answer.

[frustrated step]

Congratulations! You should be throwing yourself a party. Think of the time, energy and youth you AREN'T going to waste on this guy.

I read through your long speech and noticed you don't have a very good opinion of yourself, and that transfers to what other people think of you, and the type of people that are attracted to you.

If you think you are a victim, you are. If you think you are a victim, other people think so too. And some of those other people prey on victims. Kind of like energy-vampires. They will suck you dry.

Get some counseling, you don't respect yourself and you let other people disrespect you. Ask yourself why you would even want to be with this jerk?? Why? Are you so desperate to be with someone that you would disrespect yourself enough to want him?

Learn to like being with yourself, doing things with yourself before you try dating again. It is a process, but it's the only way to happiness

[starlite1]

My weekend was great, thanks. I gave Alexander his toys that I finally got assembled. A bike, trike and rocking horse... so we had a lot to do. The night before, I was actually out with other people from 7 PM to 5:30AM - boy was that exhausting but fun too - a B-day party.

How to get through to him?.... tell him exactly what you've been telling us here - that you got cold feet and that you hope he does not expect total perfection. It's better than staying in the gray zone for the rest of your life, and who knows, he might understand and all will be fine. If not, then you can at least stop the 'what if' in your life and move on the the 'from now on' stage. Fear of the unknown causes stress, so you need to make a choice and move on it.

Good luck dear. You still have a while to psych yourself up no matter what his answer.

Hi Chery,

That is awesome! I am glad you had fun :) . And I am so glad that Alexander liked his toys. He must have been so excited!

Thank you so much for your kindness and advise Chery. I will absolutely be totally upfront with him and hopefully he will understand and want to really work this out.

Thank you again! :)

[starlite1]

congratulations! You should be throwing yourself a party. Think of the time, energy and youth you AREN'T going to waste on this guy.

I read through your long speech and noticed you don't have a very good opinion of yourself, and that transfers to what other people think of you, and the type of people that are attracted to you.

If you think you are a victim, you are. If you think you are a victim, other people think so too. And some of those other people prey on victims. Kinda like energy-vampires. They will suck you dry.

Get some counseling, you don't respect yourself and you let other people disrespect you. Ask yourself why you would even want to be with this jerk??? why?? are you so desperate to be with someone that you would disrespect yourself enough to want him?

Learn to like being with yourself, doing things with yourself before you try dating again. It is a process, but it's the only way to happiness

Hi Frustrated,

Thank you so much and you are right. I have a very low self esteem. I have been to many counselors and they have helped to a certain degree, but honestly? What is helping me most is when I found this site. All of you are so wonderful, and you have been so supportive. Thank you!

As for me and my ex, yes, he can be a bit of a jerk. That is why I stepped up this time and said what I said. I really hope it will sink in, but I know that I need to be happy with myself, otherwise any relationship could crumble, and then where am I? I need to be happy no matter what happens. Thank you!

[starlite1]

Hi Everyone,

Well, by now you I'm sure you all know me and my whole situation with my ex. My original post is here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-220361.html

Well, I have decided to go to Georgia to visit him and go the concert in July. We talked last week (not about us persay) but just idle chit chat and it was nice.
When I get there in July, of course I want to talk with him and ask him if we can get back together, but in the same conversation, I want to explain to him why I froze and broke up with him (because of his yo-yoing in the past, etc). I want to express myself to him that won't scare him off, but by the same token, I want to let him know that I do want to be in a committed relationship with him, like we planned before I broke up (move there, get married, children, etc). But, a week after the breakup, (the weekend we were supposed to go to Las Vegas), we talked and he said he wants to be friends, and he loves me and always will. I told him "You've always had my friendship baby, and you always will. I love you too". Well, don't get me wrong here, I do love being friends with him, of course, but I want to be more (of course :p ). I know he loves me, but he said that he loves all of his friends, male and female, which is great. But, I want to be loved by him more than that...

Okay, fast forward a month, last week to be exact - we spoke on the phone, and when we ended the conversation, he said 'I love you, and I said I love you, back, and we both blew each other a kiss. Of course I melted, and was so happy, which I still am.

I ask all of you, when I get down there in a few weeks, how do I handle things, how do I talk to him about 'us' again? I'm sure he is still hurt about what happened, and I truly didn't want to do that, but I felt I had too at that juncture. How do I get through to him, and hopefully get him back at the same time? (I don't want to change him, I want him to realize and hopefully get why I did what I did, and would love him to be on board with us). Also, do you think he still loves me more than friends (as someone he still would want to spend his life with), or only as friends?

Thanks guys.
Karen

[starlite1]

I guess to put your mind at ease you need explain everthing you stated above and be open for any ending. It seems like he' interested in being more than friends but only he knows that. He might be cautious because of how things ended but you never know so I'l express my feelings toward him.

Me and my ex got back together but broke up mainly due to his insecurities that he now seeking help for and we both are seeing a relationship counselor, which all my friends thought was stupid, but it really helped us alot.

I hope everything work out for you and you get the outcome you want. If your do get back together take things slow, but at a reasonable paste. He might have alot of question/worries about you so be ready to answer anything. Only two things could happen your get back together or remains friends.

Good Luck!

Hi Liz,

Thank you so much. I am so happy for you and your boyfriend. I think it is great that you are both going to a counselor as well. I wish you all the best. :)

[starlite1]

Hi Guys,

I started another topic for this particular situation, but something is wrong with it. I received on answer so far, but it isn't showing the poster's original answer, just my response. So I am adding on this this one. I'm sorry to be so redundant.

Well, I have decided to go to Georgia to visit him and go the concert in July. We talked last week (not about us persay) but just idle chit chat and it was nice.
When I get there in July, of course I want to talk with him and ask him if we can get back together, but in the same conversation, I want to explain to him why I froze and broke up with him (because of his yo-yoing in the past, etc). I want to express myself to him that won't scare him off, but by the same token, I want to let him know that I do want to be in a committed relationship with him, like we planned before I broke up (move there, get married, children, etc). But, a week after the breakup, (the weekend we were supposed to go to Las Vegas), we talked and he said he wants to be friends, and he loves me and always will. I told him "You've always had my friendship baby, and you always will. I love you too". Well, don't get me wrong here, I do love being friends with him, of course, but I want to be more (of course ). I know he loves me, but he said that he loves all of his friends, male and female, which is great. But, I want to be loved by him more than that...

Okay, fast forward a month, last week to be exact - we spoke on the phone, and when we ended the conversation, he said 'I love you, and I said I love you, back, and we both blew each other a kiss. Of course I melted, and was so happy, which I still am.

I ask all of you, when I get down there in a few weeks, how do I handle things, how do I talk to him about 'us' again? I'm sure he is still hurt about what happened, and I truly didn't want to do that, but I felt I had too at that juncture. How do I get through to him, and hopefully get him back at the same time? (I don't want to change him, I want him to realize and hopefully get why I did what I did, and would love him to be on board with us). Also, do you think he still loves me more than friends (as someone he still would want to spend his life with), or only as friends?

Thanks guys.
Karen

[freeatlast1]

Thank you so much and you are right. I have a very low self esteem. I have been to many counselors and they have helped to a certain degree, but honestly? What is helping me most is when I found this site. All of you are so wonderful, and you have been so supportive. Thank you!

I have found in my experience that counselors don't really work that well for me. What people are basically paying for I think is to be able to vent for 45 min about yourself in a non-judgmental environment. You feel better shortly thereafter, but then later that evening, you feel the same. For dealing with short term problems, maybe something like this message board is probably better, I don't know.

[liz28]

I'm want to ask you, because I read this entire post and should have before answering your other question, do you truly want to be with this guy or is it because you don't want to start over? Just curious, if it sounds rude or harsh, it was not intended to be that way.

[starlite1]

I'm want to ask you, because I read this entire post and should have befor answering your other question, do you truly want to be with this guy or is it because you dont want to start over? Just curious, if it sounds rude or harsh, it was not intended to be that way.

Hi Liz,

You are not being rude at all :). In fact that is an excellent question! I don't mind starting over with someone, the fact is, I don't want to. I really want him. Between our breakups in the past (not this most recent one), I have dated a few people who were really nice, but they weren't my ex. I can't explain it. I just really love this man.

[liz28]

Make sure that he's willing to make some changes too and not only you. To see everything clearer make a pro and con list and if your do get back together work on the things that needs improvement. It might take time and start over. Just consider all your options and if your get back and there no change leave permanently. Make sure he's really what you want because people can change or not change.

[liz28]

I reposted the my reply to this question:
Guess to put your mind at ease you need explain everything you stated above and be open for any ending. It seems like he' interested in being more than friends but only he knows that. He might be cautious because of how things ended but you never know so I'l express my feelings toward him.

Me and my ex got back together but broke up mainly due to his insecurities that he now seeking help for and we both are seeing a relationship counselor, which all my friends thought was stupid, but it really helped us a lot.

I hope everything work out for you and you get the outcome you want. If your do get back together take things slow, but at a reasonable paste. He might have a lot of question/worries about you so be ready to answer anything. Only two things could happen your get back together or remains friends.

Good Luck!

[talaniman]

Make sure you explain all your expectations, and care enough about yourself, as you do him. His pain is no more important than yours. If he is not willing to communicate, and work with you on this relationship, then he doesn't want it as much as you do. Make a good decision for yourself, and your future, and know there are no easy quick fixes, but there is your own happiness, with or without him.

Also know we are 100% behind you no matter the outcome. Best of luck!

[starlite1]

Make sure you explain all your expectations, and care enough about yourself, as you do him. His pain is no more important than yours. If he is not willing to communicate, and work with you on this relationship, then he doesn't want it as much as you do. Make a good decision for yourself, and your future, and know there are no easy quick fixes, but there is your own happiness, with or without him.

Also know we are 100% behind you no matter the outcome. Best of luck!

Hi Tal,

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I really hope the outcome is positive. I know because of the past behavior, it doesn't sound like the most attractive relationship, but I know, and I do have faith that we can work things out, and have a happy life together. I hope that I am not the only one in this relationship that sees/feels this. That is my fear, that he might not see that as I do.

[f104]

All the best Starlite I hope it works out for you.

[starlite1]

All the best Starlite I hope it works out for you.

Hi F104,

Thank you so much. I really hope so too! I hope he is receptive, and wants to really work things out.

[Chery]

There are no guarantees in life honey. We can only do our best to work for our happiness and partnerships.
Do continue to be honest with yourself and up-front with him. What his response will be is in his control only, depending on how he feels. Either way, you need reassurance one way or the other and your plan is as good as what anyone else would suggest.

As Talaniman said, you know we will be here for you 100% - you have to do all the work though.

Good luck, and enjoy the concert and the company.

We all have fears to face up to for peace of mind - that's life. You'll do just fine.

[starlite1]

There are no guarantees in life honey. We can only do our best to work for our happiness and partnerships.
Do continue to be honest with yourself and up-front with him. What his response will be is in his control only, depending on how he feels. Either way, you need reassurance one way or the other and your plan is as good as what anyone else would suggest.

As Talaniman said, you know we will be here for you 100% - you have to do all the work though.

Good luck, and enjoy the concert and the company.

We all have fears to face up to for peace of mind - that's life. You'll do just fine.

Hi Chery,

Thank you so much. You are all so wonderful, and you are right. I just have to be up front, honest, and let him know how I feel about him, us, my needs, his needs, and hopefully he will be open and receptive. I will keep you all updated. Thank you all for always being there for me :) I wish there was a magic phrase (in addition to my honestly and love) that would help. But, of course there isn't LOL! I just have to trust my heart, our love, God and universe that everything will work out.

[starlite1]

Hi Guys,

I really would like to send him a text today, but I don't want to come off too needy, or pushy. Just to let him know that I can't wait to see him, I can't wait for the concert, and I am thinking of him. (Being that you have read my posts and see how he is, how should I best word this).

Any ideas would be so appreciative.