Ask Me Help Desk - Hi Everyone, I could really use your advice

Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.

Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
Time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
Became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
Tough time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more, we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
Run into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
About how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
Great! Well... the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me, saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from NY
To Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
For his sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got back
Together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
As been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marriage,
Children, etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out furnishings
For this house that is being built. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008). I was really getting nervous (and very emotional and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because I love him so deeply, I am afraid that if we got married (Even though I really want to, and still do), if our marriage ever had problems,
And God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. The next day (after I said that I couldn't get married), I told him that I was getting cold feet and that I am so sorry. I do
Really want to marry
Him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
Ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other. He said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while on our trip to vegas (which he cancelled), but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing and returned the ring. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't run out of the marriage or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

Now, it's too late.

Thank you again.
Karen

If your story is factual, you didn't slant out information to make yourself look better, if this story is accurate as described, thank GOD it's over.

You two do realize that you were setting up for the divorce while discussing marriage? You even practiced it a couple of times. And then when things got close, he dumps you for expressing your fears? And the marriage he described is NOT a marriage, it's man with a roommate with "benefits".

This isn't the relationship YOU wanted at all. You know how imperfect people are? You know marriage is the OPPOSITE of worry-free. It is an intense pressure cooker of emotions and opportunity for selfishness.

But you had it wrong too with all that "God forbid it ever end" stuff. How about STARLITE forbid it ever end.

When you get past the initial pain of this final breakup (PLEASE let this be the last one with this guy, he's nuts!), you need to start working on your concept of marriage. It's not an experiment. It's a life commitment to a DIFFERENT way of approaching, dealing with and winning over the crap the universe throws at you.

The crap will come from within, too, because people are selfish at times. But your commitment (NOT your love) means you promise ahead of time to stay there, side by side, figuring it out, doing the work, making the sacrifices, finding the path through it... together.

Marriage isn't an experiment, and it is seldom trouble-free. You can't ever get HIM to see that, but you can surely prepare your own mind and heart for that in the future when a truly serious man is again at your side.

Hi JBeaucaire,

Thank you so much for your response, and advise. I do miss him so much, especially after pining over him for 4 years, but in this latest event (for lack of a better term), he was about to propose (something I wanted (or thought I wanted) for 4 years), but I couldn't take the risk. And the fact that he called me a 'project' and is now being cold again, not even willing to talk about anything, his 'love' for me, that really hurts, but yet is a sign that he is all about him.

Is he a narcissist?

-starlite1

Can't really write much since I'm at work but I will say that you did the right thing. It seems to me like you were his puppet or play thing that he can use and put back on the shelf. Honestly, he's not a real man. He's a little boy who thinks he can buy the perfect relationship. He didn't love you. I have a feeling that you may have been the longest person to have a relationship with him after he separated from his wife and that is probably why he keeps coming back to you. It's a comfort thing for him. You have to wonder, why did his ex-wife divorse him? Why hadn't he been in a relationship after a year and a half of being away from you, And why did he think to contact you when he came to NY to visit his sister? Don't get hurt again. Go out and meet new people. Just because you guys shared one thing in common in terms of going through a divorse together doesn't make him the perfect candidate to start a new relationship with. I'm sorry but this guys make irrational decisions and what's worse is that he doesn't stop to think about his them. I wouldn't want to be with someone that so quick to act like that. It's a child's way of dealing and handling situations. Good luck

Your best course now isn't to look for ways to hate him or slot him into more detailed bad guy roles. You've already experienced the worst of it. Name calling makes you feel better for a moment but is ultimately pointless.

It's over, it was the right outcome. The mature woman steps back and calmly affirms, "In the end, we were truly incompatible. It is good to be back on my journey without him."

Can't add much to the quality posts you've already received here, except to let you know that you can come back and have our support in the healing process any time.

You are better off without him, and were right in you doubts, so pat yourself on the back, forget him, and get on with your life.

Be happy and stay in touch.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much. You are all so wonderful! After I broke up though, I started thinking (of course) of perhaps maybe he did change? Maybe he did want to be with me? Then I think some more, and say... no... he didn't change. It hurts because I really loved this man (and still do) and was so dedicated, and pined and prayed that he would come back, and I know he doesn't know what real love is... it's as if he has this fantasy of a perfect relationship, life, job, house, etc, and if something 'upsets' his fantasy he crawls into a proverbial cave... shutting me out (in this case)... this isn't normal behavior is it? I mean I didn't do anything wrong to this man, did I?

Thanks, Karen (starlite1)

Starlite1, your questions and concern makes me feel like you would take him back if he came back today. It sounds like you are making excuses for him and that your are more concern with him than the fact that he can really do (and has done) some psychological damage to you. I've always said that people can't be helped unless they help themselves , so take our advise and follow them as you please, but be warned that most people here have gone through what you are going through.

Thank you ThoughtIWas. I know, you are correct. I have to have better self-esteem for myself. I have to know that I can do better, and I deserve better. It will be a long process though...

Oh... I am supposed to visit him the beginning of July; he had purchased concert tickets when we were together, and we are still planning on still going... How should I handle this? I haven't bought my airline tickets yet... but... should I call him soon to discuss this further? I spoke to him last week, and haven't heard from him since, but should I contact him, or wait until he contacts me, to see if he is still interested (in me, the concert, etc)? You know what else? I really doubt I would take him back... the only way I would is if he really had an in depth heart-felt conversation with me (which usually is not his m.o. - as you see from my original post - he would just come in like gangbusters - like spur of the moment). If I not contact him, I wonder if he would still contact me (about the concert). How should I handle this?

If I do go to the concert with him, do you think he will talk about us? Try to get back together?

I am sorry, I could not counsel you to get on an airplane and fly to a concert to be alone with him. It's an impossible situation and it is unwise on so many levels. Doing this now is just crazy for no reason other than "we'd planned it". That's not a reason.

There are concerts near you. Sell your ticket to him so he can take someone he wants or simply send it to him as a parting "I got my life back" gift.

Purchase another ticket to an awesome concert close to you and TAKE A FRIEND.

Stay off the planes. The money saved on airfare alone puts you ahead in this situation.

Hi JB,

You are right. Actually, he purchased the tickets and are in his possession. Do you think he still wants me to go? If he does, what are his true intensions? Does he want to remain friends, or does he want to try and talk things out?

I know I shouldn't go though. I just am also curious if anyone thinks if he is really over me?

Hey Starlite,

Hangin there,sorry but I am going to watch the movie SSex in the City and in a way it reminds me of you and your guy. He seems to show up whenever you got away from him but once you get close, he breaks it off somehow. And no you're not a project, he is,and divorce would have been more than likely if you two got together. But maybe there is something you can do, if he wants to try again, I suggest you both go to counseling,or a trusted clergy member. You have support here,and you can pm me if you wish,I just posted myself and this is a great place to get and receive support! Right Chery?

HI,
U know what?. Don't even worry about if he still wants you to go or not, or what his intentions are... Don't go to that concert, if u do, you will end up getting more hurt than you already are... Be strong.. You already went through a divorce, you are a survivor... Stop worrying about him, and just focus on yourself... Going to the concert won't make anything better/...
PLZZZZZ don't go!! :)

No he's not over you, if you're referring to his feelings. Neither are you. So what?

Karen, haven't we talked about this already? You're asking questions where it doesn't matter if the answer is "we still like each"... right? No one is debating whether you cared for each other or not. Beside the point.

You're not good together, in SPITE of your feelings. What do you need before you'll wrap that thought around you and keep it? The t-shirt? Bumper sticker? Mural?

Stop fretting his feelings/intentions/desires... look around and get busy in your own life. Today, preferably. You seem to have WAY too much time to spend thinking about this over and over and over...

Quote:

I know I shouldn't go though. I just am also curious if anyone thinks if he is really over me?

Are you kidding?

You guys are awesome! Thank you!

And I love Sex and the City! Can't wait to see it!

I didn't read one word that said he loves you.

If I missed something, please show me.

Taliniman and JB,

I'm sorry. Unfortunately, for the last 4 years, this man is all I have thought about. You both are right though. I just hope I didn't do something that caused this behavior from him (the yo-yo'ing from him in the past)...

Hi Talaniman,

In our on again off again relationship, he had always said He loves me, he wants to marry me, he wants to have a life with me, then he leaves, then he comes back...