[Sonador101]

Dreams our inner wishes,
Wishes that we cannot fulfill,
While we are awake.
Dreams are living,
The way you want,
Or the way you fear to.
Truth is hidden,
In these dreams,
Truth you wish,
Not to know,
But you do.
Dreams are sometimes
Not from you.
But from god,
Or demons.
Dreams make us,
Disappear,
Into a world we hate,
Or a world we love.
Dreams seem real,
Then I realize it can't be,
It is too wonderful,
Or too awful.
Dreams are for savoring,
Even if they aren't real,
Love it,
Until you must,
Return to the reality,
In witch we controle.
Where wished are not fulfilled,
But one day they might be,
But as you struggle,
To accomplish them,
Remember,
Dreams are our inner wishes,
Ones we can't always fulfill,
While we are awake.
But we can try,
And as we try,
Remember the sweet,
And awful,
Dreams.

[RedneckMama]

Here's my critique:



Dreams our inner wishes,
Wishes that we cannot fulfill
While we are awake.

Dreams are living
The way you want,
Or the way you fear to.

Truth is hidden
In these dreams,
Truth you wish
Not to know...
But you do.

Dreams are sometimes
Not from you.
But from god,
Or demons.

Dreams make us
Disappear,
Into a world we hate,
Or a world we love.

Dreams seem real,
Then I realize it can't be,
It is too wonderful...
Or too awful.

Dreams are for savoring
Even if they are not real,
Love it...
Until you must
Return to the reality,
In which we control...

Where wishes are not fulfilled,
Though one day they might be...
As you struggle
To accomplish them,
Remember...
Dreams are our inner wishes,
Ones we cannot always fulfill
While we are awake...

We can try
And as we try,
Remember the sweet,
Awful dreams that await...

**I only changed/added a few words... removed 'but' a couple of times... changed the layout of the poem... took out some of your commas and replaced a few with periods or nothing at all... corrected some misspellings... I also changed your contractions to the full version of the words--I think they flow better; but all in all, I think it was a beautiful poem... and it has a nice symmetry and flow to it... Hope that helps!

[Sonador101]

Well I liked what you did with it, mostly I don't like the ending awful dreams that await. Cause you can't remember something that hasn't happened yet.
Again thank you, this poem repersents how I feel about dreams, and thank you for changing it.

[albear]

I like it, its good :)

[RedneckMama]

"well i liked what you did with it, mostly i don't like the ending awful dreams that await. cause you can't remember something that hasn't happend yet."

... duh... I guess I goofed on that one, huh?? Whoops... sorry... I didn't reread it until just then! Ha!

[bushg]

You hit it again sonador... I have never really thought about the dreams I dream... just that I sometimes have them. You did a very nice job of explaining them the good and the bad.

[coogiez]

I really shouldn't be answering things,
When ever I do I'm somehow able to connect the question directly with myself,
So when ever I do answer things,
They all ways seem too cocky on my part, like I think only about me,

I try too think of myself in a third-person view, like I am only the shell of who I really am, and it's the real me quietly changing this shell so it slowly starts too fit with the real me.


Personally I can't wait till I fit in with myself, I guess I need to know more,
Because that real me knows so much,
Or at least takes advantage of the things
I know subconciously but have forgotten consciously.

~woah...
Many months ago I came up wth the idea of pushing all my subconcious thoughts
Into my conscious thoughts so I could control them better,
Now I (conciously) realise why. ~

I guess it's good too have the distinct thoughts of reason, logic,
And critical thinking combined,

Because that's who I am, or will be,

I guess,

Considering I'm not me yet,
I can safely confirm I don't know enough too make an idea a fact,
No,
Not just a socially accepted theory,
I mean something that fits with everything else,
And everything else isn't one thing also,
There are a lot of facts too be found, or remembered, still.

"i can safely confirm i don't know enough too make an idea a fact"
~even though that's a theory, it's still accepted within my mind, for now~



:eek: this was supposed too be an answer! :eek:

Edit: I don't think it even fits with the question!

[Sonador101]

Thanks coolgiez,
I am glad that you are now answering my questions, I really appriate your writings. In fact when I wrote this I was thinking of what you would write, you know how you make cool and abstact, I know your thing didn't fit in with my question, but it was cool.
Anway what do you think of my poem.

[linnealand]

Yesterday I wrote a *huge* response to you in your other post, and then I realized that it never went through. Oh well.

Here's a sloppy summary of what was in it:

Read as much great poetry as you can. Even if you're not interested in writing poems that use traditional methods, they will get important rhythms and beats into your bones. They *will* improve your writing. I drum my fingers when I read. It helps to find how the poem is supposed to be read.

Memorize as many great poems as you can.

See if you can get your hands on a copy of "In Their Own Voices: a century of recorded poetry." I don't know of anything better for an aspiring poet. Well, other than reading and writing...

Here's a link:
Amazon.com: In Their Own Voices: A Century of Recorded Poet: Various Artists: Music

It might be out of print. Check with your local library to see if they have it (or can get it). It's a 4 cd box set. I wore the cds out. I wound up having to buy it again. I won't live without it.

Remember this important piece of advice: poetry needs images. A poem without images is philosophy.

Great poetry is also based in smart word-play. It's also a game.

Redneck took care of some basic spelling corrections. Whether you decide to go with her editing or not, those were important. It was very kind of her to contribute. Personally, however, I wouldn't use the.. . I know what they're trying to achieve, but it's better without them.

coogiez, I read your post last night. I saw that there was some controversy regarding the responses you got. Try to keep in mind that whatever you write, you don't want to isolate your reader. Of course, your piece had a lot in common with diary (personal) writing, which is legitimate. Still, if it's written for you (and only you), it can become difficult to read. If (and when) this is the case, don't bother getting frustrated with the people who are trying to understand it. Perhaps having other people understand it was not the reason for which it was written.

Both of you are deeply introspective. That's a good thing.

Sonador, as in the last post, I would recommend removing most of those commas.

Good job in posting again. Best of luck to you!

[coogiez]

Quite meaningfull in most aspects really,
And the spelling mistakes aren't mine to bother with,


The main thing about it is that it's from the aspect of someone that's stuck
No offence, really, it's mostly not their fault. (who ever they are)

I on the other hand :D

That sounded really cocky...

REALLY cocky :rolleyes:

Anyway, err..

Yeah, nice :o



Me me me me me me me


I guess it would be good if people saw what I did from a third person view,
Like all I say and think is a test towards THEM, and doesn't fit with me at all,
Never would, could or has,

But emotion,



Gah...

[linnealand]

I know sonador is 13. How old are you coogiez?

[coogiez]

I would usually just say:

"look around, we're not that hard to find"

But I can't be bothered, even though I just did while removing it's meaning, still.

My physical age is that of a 16 year old,
And I dare not ask myself what my psychological age is.

Really, I'd probably scare us both :rolleyes:

"us both" not meaning me and you,

I mean,

"me" and me.

And if that's hard too grasp,
Look around, we're not that hard to find.



Arrogance oh arr.. o.ggaa... nnn.. c... E!