Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Sonador101's Avatar
    Sonador101 Posts: 298, Reputation: 14
    Full Member
     
    #1

    Jun 16, 2008, 03:46 PM
    DREAMS (this is my poem I would like your critque)
    Dreams our inner wishes,
    Wishes that we cannot fulfill,
    While we are awake.
    Dreams are living,
    The way you want,
    Or the way you fear to.
    Truth is hidden,
    In these dreams,
    Truth you wish,
    Not to know,
    But you do.
    Dreams are sometimes
    Not from you.
    But from god,
    Or demons.
    Dreams make us,
    Disappear,
    Into a world we hate,
    Or a world we love.
    Dreams seem real,
    Then I realize it can't be,
    It is too wonderful,
    Or too awful.
    Dreams are for savoring,
    Even if they aren't real,
    Love it,
    Until you must,
    Return to the reality,
    In witch we controle.
    Where wished are not fulfilled,
    But one day they might be,
    But as you struggle,
    To accomplish them,
    Remember,
    Dreams are our inner wishes,
    Ones we can't always fulfill,
    While we are awake.
    But we can try,
    And as we try,
    Remember the sweet,
    And awful,
    Dreams.
    RedneckMama's Avatar
    RedneckMama Posts: 103, Reputation: 17
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Jun 16, 2008, 04:01 PM
    Here's my critique:



    Dreams our inner wishes,
    Wishes that we cannot fulfill
    While we are awake.

    Dreams are living
    The way you want,
    Or the way you fear to.

    Truth is hidden
    In these dreams,
    Truth you wish
    Not to know...
    But you do.

    Dreams are sometimes
    Not from you.
    But from god,
    Or demons.

    Dreams make us
    Disappear,
    Into a world we hate,
    Or a world we love.

    Dreams seem real,
    Then I realize it can't be,
    It is too wonderful...
    Or too awful.

    Dreams are for savoring
    Even if they are not real,
    Love it...
    Until you must
    Return to the reality,
    In which we control...

    Where wishes are not fulfilled,
    Though one day they might be...
    As you struggle
    To accomplish them,
    Remember...
    Dreams are our inner wishes,
    Ones we cannot always fulfill
    While we are awake...

    We can try
    And as we try,
    Remember the sweet,
    Awful dreams that await...

    **I only changed/added a few words... removed 'but' a couple of times... changed the layout of the poem... took out some of your commas and replaced a few with periods or nothing at all... corrected some misspellings... I also changed your contractions to the full version of the words--I think they flow better; but all in all, I think it was a beautiful poem... and it has a nice symmetry and flow to it... Hope that helps!
    Sonador101's Avatar
    Sonador101 Posts: 298, Reputation: 14
    Full Member
     
    #3

    Jun 16, 2008, 06:07 PM
    Well I liked what you did with it, mostly I don't like the ending awful dreams that await. Cause you can't remember something that hasn't happened yet.
    Again thank you, this poem repersents how I feel about dreams, and thank you for changing it.
    albear's Avatar
    albear Posts: 1,594, Reputation: 222
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    Jun 16, 2008, 06:13 PM
    I like it, its good :)
    RedneckMama's Avatar
    RedneckMama Posts: 103, Reputation: 17
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Jun 16, 2008, 07:07 PM
    "well i liked what you did with it, mostly i don't like the ending awful dreams that await. cause you can't remember something that hasn't happend yet."

    ... duh... I guess I goofed on that one, huh?? Whoops... sorry... I didn't reread it until just then! Ha!
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Jun 16, 2008, 08:47 PM
    You hit it again sonador... I have never really thought about the dreams I dream... just that I sometimes have them. You did a very nice job of explaining them the good and the bad.
    coogiez's Avatar
    coogiez Posts: 52, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #7

    Jun 16, 2008, 09:54 PM
    I really shouldn't be answering things,
    When ever I do I'm somehow able to connect the question directly with myself,
    So when ever I do answer things,
    They all ways seem too cocky on my part, like I think only about me,

    I try too think of myself in a third-person view, like I am only the shell of who I really am, and it's the real me quietly changing this shell so it slowly starts too fit with the real me.


    Personally I can't wait till I fit in with myself, I guess I need to know more,
    Because that real me knows so much,
    Or at least takes advantage of the things
    I know subconciously but have forgotten consciously.

    ~woah...
    Many months ago I came up wth the idea of pushing all my subconcious thoughts
    Into my conscious thoughts so I could control them better,
    Now I (conciously) realise why. ~

    I guess it's good too have the distinct thoughts of reason, logic,
    And critical thinking combined,

    Because that's who I am, or will be,

    I guess,

    Considering I'm not me yet,
    I can safely confirm I don't know enough too make an idea a fact,
    No,
    Not just a socially accepted theory,
    I mean something that fits with everything else,
    And everything else isn't one thing also,
    There are a lot of facts too be found, or remembered, still.

    "i can safely confirm i don't know enough too make an idea a fact"
    ~even though that's a theory, it's still accepted within my mind, for now~



    :eek: this was supposed too be an answer! :eek:

    Edit: I don't think it even fits with the question!
    Sonador101's Avatar
    Sonador101 Posts: 298, Reputation: 14
    Full Member
     
    #8

    Jun 17, 2008, 12:27 AM
    Thanks coolgiez,
    I am glad that you are now answering my questions, I really appriate your writings. In fact when I wrote this I was thinking of what you would write, you know how you make cool and abstact, I know your thing didn't fit in with my question, but it was cool.
    Anway what do you think of my poem.
    linnealand's Avatar
    linnealand Posts: 1,088, Reputation: 216
    Ultra Member
     
    #9

    Jun 17, 2008, 07:20 AM
    Yesterday I wrote a *huge* response to you in your other post, and then I realized that it never went through. Oh well.

    Here's a sloppy summary of what was in it:

    Read as much great poetry as you can. Even if you're not interested in writing poems that use traditional methods, they will get important rhythms and beats into your bones. They *will* improve your writing. I drum my fingers when I read. It helps to find how the poem is supposed to be read.

    Memorize as many great poems as you can.

    See if you can get your hands on a copy of "In Their Own Voices: a century of recorded poetry." I don't know of anything better for an aspiring poet. Well, other than reading and writing...

    Here's a link:
    Amazon.com: In Their Own Voices: A Century of Recorded Poet: Various Artists: Music

    It might be out of print. Check with your local library to see if they have it (or can get it). It's a 4 cd box set. I wore the cds out. I wound up having to buy it again. I won't live without it.

    Remember this important piece of advice: poetry needs images. A poem without images is philosophy.

    Great poetry is also based in smart word-play. It's also a game.

    Redneck took care of some basic spelling corrections. Whether you decide to go with her editing or not, those were important. It was very kind of her to contribute. Personally, however, I wouldn't use the.. . I know what they're trying to achieve, but it's better without them.

    coogiez, I read your post last night. I saw that there was some controversy regarding the responses you got. Try to keep in mind that whatever you write, you don't want to isolate your reader. Of course, your piece had a lot in common with diary (personal) writing, which is legitimate. Still, if it's written for you (and only you), it can become difficult to read. If (and when) this is the case, don't bother getting frustrated with the people who are trying to understand it. Perhaps having other people understand it was not the reason for which it was written.

    Both of you are deeply introspective. That's a good thing.

    Sonador, as in the last post, I would recommend removing most of those commas.

    Good job in posting again. Best of luck to you!
    coogiez's Avatar
    coogiez Posts: 52, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Jun 17, 2008, 07:21 AM
    Quite meaningfull in most aspects really,
    And the spelling mistakes aren't mine to bother with,


    The main thing about it is that it's from the aspect of someone that's stuck
    No offence, really, it's mostly not their fault. (who ever they are)

    I on the other hand :D

    That sounded really cocky...

    REALLY cocky :rolleyes:

    Anyway, err..

    Yeah, nice :o



    Me me me me me me me


    I guess it would be good if people saw what I did from a third person view,
    Like all I say and think is a test towards THEM, and doesn't fit with me at all,
    Never would, could or has,

    But emotion,



    Gah...
    linnealand's Avatar
    linnealand Posts: 1,088, Reputation: 216
    Ultra Member
     
    #11

    Jun 17, 2008, 08:06 AM
    I know sonador is 13. How old are you coogiez?
    coogiez's Avatar
    coogiez Posts: 52, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #12

    Jun 17, 2008, 08:11 AM
    I would usually just say:

    "look around, we're not that hard to find"

    But I can't be bothered, even though I just did while removing it's meaning, still.

    My physical age is that of a 16 year old,
    And I dare not ask myself what my psychological age is.

    Really, I'd probably scare us both :rolleyes:

    "us both" not meaning me and you,

    I mean,

    "me" and me.

    And if that's hard too grasp,
    Look around, we're not that hard to find.



    Arrogance oh arr.. o.ggaa... nnn.. c... E!

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Poem. [ 2 Answers ]

How could I not see, what was ahead of me, the future I dreamed of the life I imagined, It all came to an end the day I realized it was just a dream A dream that I dream everyday and night for all my life, the day my faith left and my hope fade, was when I realize it was nothing more than a...

What do you think of my poem [ 8 Answers ]

I know where I am, I know where I'm going, I just hope I won't reep, This that I'm sewing, I know that'll Be there, I know that there, They'll care. I know it will be tough, And that I've had it rough,

Consider my D Day poem? [ 2 Answers ]

D-Day Twelve miles they crossed on the ocean that day Ill unto death with the boat's sickly sway. All this they forgot when they opened the door And jumped from the boat toward the menacing shore. Dragged down by their gear some drowned then and there. They gasped their last breath and...

A Poem [ 3 Answers ]

A Different Christmas Poem The embers glowed softly, and in their dim Light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the Sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest, My daughter beside me, angelic in rest. Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white, ...

Poem [ 4 Answers ]

Can someone explain this poem? A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of book


View more questions Search