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brian1231 · Jun 12, 2008, 08:09 AM

I've been dating a few girls lately, and seem to connect mentally very well with this one girl. She is very cool and we have a lot in common. I am mildly attracted to her, and she has sent signals that she likes me. With some girls I've dated (including my ex) I'd be very proud to be seen in public with them because I thought they were so good looking, with this girl I don't have nearly that sense of pride (red flag I know), but I do find her to be attractive in other ways.

I am just getting out of a previous relationship (3 months ago) where I was engaged and want to meet new people, but am admittedly not ready to be serious with anyone just yet. IDK of my physical levels of attraction to this girl yet, but both don't want to lead her on, but also don't want to give her the signal that I am not at all interested because I just don't know yet.

Would it be OK to let this girl know Im just getting out of a relationship and just need time? I don't want to make it sound like I am still in love with my ex (I am not and have no desire to reconcile with her) and I don't to come off as the whiny person who drives girls away because they aren't over their ex yet.

jolienoire · Jun 12, 2008, 08:26 AM

I don't know about other women, but me personally I rather not hear about someone's past relationship. If you don't want it to go any further then make sure you don't do anything with her. You can let her know that you are not looking for a relationship as of yet and just a friend. However, don't get caught up with being afraid to be alone and doing things that couples do if you want a friendship. This will just confuse you and her. Be honest with her, but spare her the details on your last relationship.

talaniman · Jun 12, 2008, 09:32 AM

This is not a romantic relationship, and its best to be honest about your feelings for her, and not do anything to complicate, or misread your intentions like having sex, or cuddling, and kissing. Don't mislead her or yourself.

As for your past, keep it to yourself, since as you have stated, there is no love connection on your part.

brian1231 · Jun 12, 2008, 12:46 PM

TY for the advice. I don't plan on doing anything more with this girl than hanging out and getting drinks/watching movies together etc...

As far as anything physical happening, one time when we hung out she initiated a very low level of cuddling and gave me a kiss on the cheek (we were both drunk)

Last night when we hung out I had tons of fun, but just gave her a hug before I left.

When you say to make sure we don't do "couple things" are you referring to physical things? I'd like to hang out with her and get to know her (grab some food and watching a movie together once a week or so, go out for drinks with groups of people etc... ) As far as wanting a romantic relationship with her, I don't want one with her right now because of everything, but I could see it in the future possibly. I'm just not ready for anything serious yet, and she seems like a good person who I'd like to at least become friends with so I wouldn't want to ruin anything by getting physical before I wanted to.

jolienoire · Jun 12, 2008, 02:19 PM

Couple things: hugging, holding hands, kissing, sex, touching, etc etc... I mean spending time together once a week is cool, its also safe to hang out with a group of people. The reality is that if this person is the one for you, you will know and it will be hard to stop it.

I know you just got out of an engagement and it's been 3 months

But don't hold back in life, Sometimes we don't want to rush into things right away because we still have that bit of Hope that the ex may come back.. we may even miss out on life waiting for that person to come running with open arms to us.. the reason we suggest no rebound relationships is because usually the person is not totally over the ex and jump right into a new relationship foolishly to compensate for being alone. But if you are totally over the ex and you think it's time to move on with your life then you need to do it. It does not take everyone the same amount of time to get over someone, It's all at your own pace.

brian1231 · Jun 12, 2008, 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by jolienoire

Couple things: hugging, holding hands, kissing, sex, touching, etc etc... I mean spending time together once a week is cool, its also safe to hang out with a group of people. The reality is that if this person is the one for you, you will know and it will be hard to stop it.

I know you just got out of an engagement and it's been 3 months

but don't hold back in life, Sometimes we don't want to rush into things right away because we still have that bit of Hope that the ex may come back.. we may even miss out on life waiting for that person to come running with open arms to us.. the reason we suggest no rebound relationships is because usually the person is not totally over the ex and jump right into a new relationship foolishly to compensate for being alone. But if you are totally over the ex and you think it's time to move on with your life then you need to do it. It does not take everyone the same amount of time to get over someone, It's all at your own pace.

Well the only time I'd hug her is when we say goodbye for the night. Basically the same amount of physical contact as I'd have with a female friend who is dating a friend of mine.

I am not holding out hope for my ex, but I guess I just need some me time to figure things out for myself and let life settle down for me before I get into another relationship. I guess I feel like I have so much in common with this girl, I want to take things VERY slowly with her. Honestly, I have a lot up in the air with my life now, and I don't really know exactly what I want in life and want type of person I want, so I figure spending 1-2 evenings a week casually watching a movie and having a slice of pizza and taking things slow with a very cool girl cannot be a bad thing?

I spent the last year of my life supporting my ex and her mental issues that I passed up on many opportunities life threw my way and I am trying to take hold of those opportunities now and focus on those.

danielnoahsmommy · Jun 12, 2008, 03:25 PM

You sound a tad bit shallow. She sounds nice, but you sound like you would be ashamed to be seen with her. Are you sure you are as great as you think?

brian1231 · Jun 12, 2008, 03:58 PM

Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

you sound a tad bit shallow. she sounds nice, but you sound like you would be ashamed to be seen with her. are you sure you are as great as you think?

It's not that I'd be ashamed to be seen with her at all, but let's be honest a big part of dating is looks and I'm not sure if she is my cup of tea that's all. I just want to take things slow.

talaniman · Jun 13, 2008, 04:11 AM

The only problem I see is when a guy just dates one female and that sends a signal of interest, that may make her see more than you have to give. Even on a once a week basis, attachments can be made, and that will cause a conflict with someone's feelings. Look at it from her shoes as your going slow, she will want more over time. You have much to discuss with her even now so honest and upfront, to keep the air clean.

But let's be honest a big part of dating is looks

No it isn't. Who told you that? If you are suggesting your only seeing this female because she is available to salve your own ego back to healthy, that is shallow and deceptive. The word user come to mind. That may not be fair, or right.

brian1231 · Jun 13, 2008, 05:19 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

The only problem I see is when a guy just dates one female and that sends a signal of interest, that may make her see more than you have to give. Even on a once a week basis, attachments can be made, and that will cause a conflict with someones feelings. Look at it from her shoes as your going slow, she will want more over time. You have much to discuss with her even now so honest and upfront, to keep the air clean.

No it isn't. Who told you that? If you are suggesting your only seeing this female because she is available to salve your own ego back to healthy, that is shallow and deceptive. The word user come to mind. That may not be fair, or right.

1st of all, thank you very much for your honest response. I guess I am not sure if I am interested, so my problem is what signals to send?

I respectfully disagree, I believe dating is a lot about looks. If you aren't attracted to someone, then what is the point? I am not seeing her just to salve my ego. She is honestly probably the coolest girl I've ever hung out with and we have much in common, but she is the type of girl that I'd want to settle down with for a while if I find some physical chemistry there. However, I admit I am not ready/wanted a serious relationship right now, so that's why I don't want to start something with someone who could offer a lot of potential

talaniman · Jun 13, 2008, 08:32 AM

Sometimes our pain, makes us more aware of our own needs, and not the needs of others. We may not mean to, but our actions can hurt someone.

dancing queen · Jun 13, 2008, 06:55 PM

There is so much more to a person than their looks. When I was younger, looks were one of the most important things to me. However, as I matured, I realized that other aspects of a person (character, personality, humor, etc.. ) make them either attractive or unattractive. I have known very physically attractive people who are very ugly on the inside. It sounds like this girl is really great - It sounds like to see this but I think you are a little shallow (no offense). Take your time and get to know her. Do be careful, though, if you see her developing feelings for you that you don't share. It really wouldn't be nice for you to lead her on.