[Burn_Notice]

Ah yes, the feeling of 'investment', I understand how you think but really - all the time in the world that you may or may not have spent together before these problems should not cloud up your vision and your ability to make the right decision, cause the time spent together in the past, won't really change her feelings in the PRESENT.
I think they are what they are and the bitter truth is there is no easy way of altering someone's feelings if they start to go downhill..

You want to be with someone you can rely on, who won't say things like "I'm just not going to try." :/


Just my 50 cents, and I'm by no means any expert, just a friend

By the way, I'm not saying you should run for the hills or anything, you can give it some time and see how it progresses, you sound really nice and I think you deserve someone who wouldn't ever cheat on you in the first place.

[Chery]

Guido, what, with your professional and analytical abilities in observation... tell someone else who is in the very same predicament you are in right now?

Can I rest my case?

A lot of us have invested time, effort, money, blood, sweat and tears for many years in relationships that did not pan out. But we survived it, and I promise, you too will - in time.

You need peace of mind, stabiliy and focus, so now it's your move.

[Guidostern]

I know, I've just got to muster up the courage to basically tell her what I expect... I am going to go hang out with a friend tonight and if I get the courage (no alcohol involved) I will come back and let her know how I really feel. I'm not good at opening up and don't like confrontation... I deal with that too much at work to come home and get it. But I know that I just need to make my move as both of you are saying. The ball isn't just in her court... it's in MY court too... If she really feels the way she says she does about me, this will tell me whether I should stay or go. I have a lot invested, but I have to remember that I have a lot to lose here too... yeah, I have a good job... but I can do what I am doing now anywhere... I think that's what I will do... and if she says leave, I'll move into my own place and if I get tired of being in TX, I'll just move back to OK where most of my friends and all of my family are located...

[starlite1]

Hi Guido,

Please trust me when I say that it is not a good idea to pursue a relationship in which one person feels stronger than the other. It is not healthy, and in the end, you are most likely going to be miserable. I am so sorry to be so harsh, but I know this, because this has happened to me over and over with my ex, and I am still trying like heck to figure things out in my own mind to make it work. You know what? It's trying; it sucks the life right out of you. I know it is so hard, but you owe it to yourself to be happy. You sound like a great guy, and you deserve a great girl; one who will love you as you love her. Try and stay strong, and keep an open mind. We all know what you are going though.

[Guidostern]

I completely understand mentally that I should not do this. I have been married once and that was destroyed by bad decisions made by me and my ex wife. The girl that I was married to, I was with from the age of 13 until I was 22. I got married for all of the wrong reasons and no matter how hard we both tried, it wouldn't work. That was the most horrible feeling that I ever experienced.

Now I am in another relationship that I feel like I have ruined. Believe me, I have had my bad moments as well. I became an officer and she then went into Police Communications to feel closer to me... I changed departments so there would not be any clouded judgment on her part if something were to happen to me. She begged me to quit after I had a very close brush with death... something that I do not talk about to anyone except those who were there that night... moving on, I refused once again to quit my job.

We moved to Texas, while yes - I make a lot less than I did before; I still absolutely love what I do... she will go on ride alongs with me from time to time and those nights are generally smooth, even when we lived in a larger city... a few traffic stops, a few other calls... maybe I am doing her wrong by not quitting when she has begged me to for so long.

I recently had an incident that again scared her so bad that she immediately called me after it was over to make sure I was okay... I assured her that everything was all right and that I was just going to the hospital for a short observation. I stopped by her agency and seen her after getting done at the hospital and picking up my car.

She cried when she seen me, checking my chest and every other part of my body that was appropriate to make sure there were no wounds... I again assured her that everything was fine and myself and my fellow officer had everything under control, even after all h*ll broke loose. She again begged me to quit and I refused, telling her that things like this do not happen often... she told me that two times was just too much for her and she would never be able to live with herself if anything ever happened to me and I didn't come home.

I know this is long, but I really just realized that this is what could be causing the entire problem. I realized this after reading one of Clough's posts that asked if changing jobs might correct the problem...

Anyway, she told me that the Army was different for her because she didn't feel so helpless and had plenty of people to keep her mind off what we all know. She couldn't hear exactly what was going on over a radio, maybe just miles away and now she can. So now, she says that she will feel guilty if something happens to me because she's the one who suggested that I pursue a law enforcement career and that she would not be able to keep herself from feeling as though she was responsible if my luck ran out. Things started to get worse shortly after the last incident because we all heard about a trooper being killed in another area of the state.

I set here almost in tears as I type this and that's hard for me to say. I can't imagine leaving her behind that way. I don't want her to get a visit early in the morning or at night by a Lt. or Sgt. And another officer having to tell her that something happened to me. It's different now than it was when I was serving... it's different because now I have more to live for, and I just can't bring myself to not say something to her to see if this is the real underlying problem.

I can't keep trying to assure her that everything is okay when I am unsure myself if I will see the next sun rise or sun fall just because someone doesn't want a traffic ticket or they have a $50 warrant that they don't want to pay for... now that I think about it, everything that I have been telling her about my job is just a lie and she's known it all along, accepting my assurances every time. I know that I can't fix this until I fix the problem that I am having.

The good thing about "changing jobs" is that I can actually get into communications just like her and keep my standing as an officer. I will still be with the person that I love with every inch of my soul and will be doing what I love to do; just in a different way.

I will still come back to this unique community of people who are out to help others. Scratch that, I don't want to speak too soon. I'll give you an update here in about an hour after she gets up...

[Chery]

You really thought of and shared a lot in your last post. I sincerely hope that after your talk with her, you two will have the chance to share the passion and happiness that you feel so strongly about. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a safer future once you found the right person to share it with, and I for one, wish you all the luck in the world.

Again, good luck, and keep us posted.

There is nothing better than reading a happy ending to posters coming here.

[Guidostern]

Thanks, I will be sure to keep you all posted... I just can't believe that I didn't see it before. I do my job every day like nothing is going to happen, and everything is going to be okay. I never took the time to think about her feelings and wonder what it must feel like to love someone in my profession. I would never want her to be an officer because of some of the risks involved. I just feel as though I can be honest and I have nothing to hide here so why not just share what I am going through. Maybe it will help someone else that is just like me. I'll be back and keep you posted... I'm not out of the dark yet!

[Chery]

I come from a military background, (father, step-father, brother, ex-husband, friends) and worked for the military all my career life, so I know what it's like to be in 'her' shoes. Soldiers, Police, Firemen, Pilots, etc, all do their jobs well, but their spouses are a special breed also. Not all partners, men or women, can live in fear of someone knocking on the door one day...

That's why communication is very important in any relationship. Also why there will always be jobs for therapists.

Just keep that line of communication open - it certainly can't hurt.

[Guidostern]

Well, I talked to her today when I met her for lunch and she needs some time. I made the suggestion of getting relocated to another part of the department. She said that the risks were definitely the problem, especially since I have had some close ones. She added that she was worried that I would resent her and just go back on patrol again, leave her, or just be angry all the time. I added that as long as I could still be involved in law enforcement, I would be happy.

(I talked to my Sgt today and he said that I could be moved to an admin job as a "Desk Officer")

I let her know this and she told me that she appreciated that I was taking her feelings into consideration, adding that she needed a little time to not just think it over, but to clear her mind of not only what I have put her through with these risks, but to get over the loss of her friend.

So, I'm quietly waiting to hear what she has to say. I know it could be a week, a month, or maybe just a few days... but I told her that I will be waiting and will still be there for her no matter what her decision is.

[Chery]

Good that you have this out on the table, now it's her turn.
Your head is in the right place right now, and you know that there are two ways this can go, so I don't have to remind you.

Either way, know that we are here for you - so keep us posted.


Got my fingers crossed!

[Guidostern]

Well, I have an update to this crazy few weeks. I just got home... it's 2AM here right now and I found a note from her. The note let me know what she was thinking and how she felt about our relationship and the future. She's up for me changing positions within the dept. and I'm not against it either. She says that she's still worried about me getting put back on the streets like I am right now (I could be moved and there would be nothing I could do about it) and she still wants things to continue to work out. This was a huge relief for me... I have invested way too much time and energy just to let it go so easy.

Anyway, I start in a new division in two weeks and I think I will enjoy it. After all, I will be in a controlled environment (a/c and not having to walk around in the cold and rain)... and I will just simply skim over reports that were made by other officers and look for mistakes and so on. My Sgt. Told me that I may have to go out on patrol from time to time, but I would be working a day shift instead of nights... which is good because it is a lot safer than the B shifts and C shifts that I currently rotate between.

Anyway, I called her and we talked for a little while. Even though she's not ready to take the ring back, I am sure things are going to work out. We will begin to see more of each other and I will not have to bring my work home with me.

I am sure that we're not completely out of the woods yet, but we have a good place to start at.

Thanks again to Clough, Chery, and all of you that gave me advice... whether I agreed with you or not, I'm one to take advice where ever I can get it. I will be back around on probably what will be a daily basis. Thanks again, I appreciate all of you more than you know.

[talaniman]

Building a happy life does take sacrifice, and hard work, and years. That's why a willingness to work together, and honest communications between partners, is so essential to any relationship, so keep talking, and above all be a good listener. That means shutting up, and understanding, what your being told, as you can't fix everything in a day.

[Chery]

Welcome dear, we are here for you.

As Talaniman said, it takes two-way communication and willingness on both of your parts to make it work. Sometimes it takes years to be perfect - especially when it's worth it.

[Guidostern]

Well, an update... We are definitely working on things very hard... tonight we had our first physical contact in 2 weeks. She laid her head in my lap as we watched TV, and I ran my fingers through her hair. I know that this is very small and some people may just think of it as a normal thing, but this is big to me. I know it is going to take some time for her to actually believe that I am happy with my new position, and she knows that I am willing to wait. We are actually talking about things instead of arguing. She knows my opinion on fighting because of the things that I deal with every day... but we're making progress... for the first time in a while I'm feeling as though this will work out.

[Clough]

You already know that it's going to take a lot of work in order to build and maintaining your relationship. For me, it would be a big thing that you have experienced with her concerning the small gestures. If you are also discussing things openly, rather than arguing about them, then that is probably the biggest, proactive step that you could take with each other.

As such, I wish you well in your endeavor with her! Please don't give up the hope and perseverance, until you know that you might need to do that. A big part of life is about making choices, working with the costs and benefits as well as dealing with the cards with which we have been dealt, both good or bad.

You sound so positive now, and I'm so hopeful for you both! I hope that all of the communication and positive interaction continue to be so open for both of you!

Thanks for the update! :)

[talaniman]

She knows my opinion on fighting because of the things that I deal with every day..

Do you know hers? Just food for thought.

[Guidostern]

Yeah, I know her opinion about it... but at times, we can all get carried away... she's about the same as me. She doesn't like it when things from the past are thrown in her face, but we will argue when it's necessary. Something that we try to do is talk about our bad fights or arguments later on to see what we could have done different... it might seem weird, but it's actually makes things better...

[Chery]

Well, an update...We are definitely working on things very hard...tonight we had our first physical contact in 2 weeks. She laid her head in my lap as we watched TV, and I ran my fingers through her hair. I know that this is very small and some people may just think of it as a normal thing, but this is big to me. I know it is going to take some time for her to actually believe that I am happy with my new position, and she knows that I am willing to wait. We are actually talking about things instead of arguing. She knows my opinion on fighting because of the things that I deal with every day...but we're making progress...for the first time in a while I'm feeling as though this will work out.

This just made my day!

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It makes me optimistic, and in my book, lifted my scale of another chance for you at least 50% higher.


And NO, not many men I know think this normal... most of the jerks in my life didn't even think of stroking my hair - they automatically thought it was a signal of another kind and expected more. So, thank goodness there are still caring men in this world.

[Guidostern]

So, I've got an update... We're doing better and better every single day. Although last night she went and hung out with a friend who would not bring her back to town (she was 30 miles away). She got put in a bad spot because of this friend and I had to leave work early to go get her... which was fine because things were slow (I was back on patrol for two days covering a vacation). She was happy when I came to her rescue. The others we're not too pleased to see me... seeing how I am a police officer and they are all outside drinking and so on... but anyway, that situation was defused quickly.

Moving on, I brought her home and put her in bed... I then went back to work to finish up my shift, and what's pretty funny about this is I ended up busting her friend for DWI...

I came home and told her about it and she wasn't upset at all. Later after I woke up, she sat down next to me and we talked for a while about how much progress we've made in the past two or so weeks. She asked me if I still had her ring and I said "Of course, I can't just take it back." She kind of walked around the subject, and then finally asked me if I thought she was worthy of wearing it again. I told her of course, the ring was hers and always will be. I got the ring out of my safe and placed it back on her finger... I'm so surprised that we're back to where we were. I never thought that we would be after her concerns about my job.

She has applied to be a deputy with the Sheriff's office here and is all excited about that... we're talking about moving to a better, bigger city after she gets some experience... we've had the time to let everything possible surface and get past them... and now we're focused on the future... It was in no way easy, and I'm happy that I listened not only to my heart, but her... I had forgotten how much her opinion matters in all of this... go figure... right? Anyway, Thanks again for all of your advice guys and gals.. this ol' boy really appreciates it.

[talaniman]

Glad to hear things are going well, just remember to keep working together , and you can do anything.

If either of you stops me on the roads of Texas, I expect a free pass. Hehehehe!!