[Guidostern]

My once fiancé, but now just my girlfriend told me tonight that she hates me and wants to never see me again. We've been together for almost 5 years and had problems in the past. We recently moved to Texas and I felt as though it was time to start over again. I work for a local law enforcement agency and she works for another. I proposed to her in March and she said yes with tears in her eyes, but gave me the ring back and told me to leave two weeks ago. We decided to work things out and are back where we started. Yes, I have made mistakes, but so has she.

She cheated on me 2 or 3 years ago and I forgave her... She wanted to move here and I did it because I thought that she would be happy being around her family again... now I am 8 hours away from mine. I have no hard feelings about that, I'm 28 and can live away from home, but why did she say yes, and then tell me that the only reason why she said yes is so I could keep my dignity?

Anyway, on with the problem... I missed work today because I was so mad that I couldn't deal with the anger and I refuse to have peoples lives in my hands when I'm not at my absolute best... who would want me out there like that anyway? Going on, she was fine with it and we had a nice lunch and went home. We took a nap and I got up later in the evening and was watching a baseball game when she woke up... and then everything began to fall apart again... she told me that I was irresponsible and never have been... she told me that I could never take care of her and she hated me and wanted me to leave...

What can I do to win this back before I'm already gone?

Thanks for your help...

[Clough]

Hello, Guidostern!

What sort of problems, other than cheating have the two of you had in the past, please? Have either of you gone together or separately to a professional counselor for any of problems that you have had as a couple in the past?

Thanks!

[Guidostern]

Well, we had a rough patch where we argued quite a bit... we both have bad tempers and are hard headed about things. We went and seen a counselor one time and then stopped after the first session. It was pretty rough around the time she cheated on me... she didn't like it because I would go hang out with my friends and would be gone longer than I initially told her I would... I was still married when we got together, but I was completely honest with her about that... I had been separated for almost a year while trying to get divorced. I finally got that done and then things went fine for a while. She said something a couple of months ago about swinging, but I wasn't completely comfortable with it.

[Clough]

Sorry! I keep getting disconnected from the Internet!

The first session with a counselor is almost always just for introductions and for the counselor to get an initial idea of the problems a couple may be having. It can take many sessions for there to be any sort of resolutions to problems or potential problems.

I remember when I was around your age, and my then wife wanting me to go to counseling. Being the macho guy that I was, and thinking that we could work everything out on our own, I didn't go initially. Finally, I did go, and loved it! I was finding things out about myself that I didn't know, and how I might solve problems that I was having.

I would strongly suggest giving the counseling thing another chance. Group therapy may be a thing that could help with tempers. I know that it helped me. My temper used to be horrible! Anger management by the comments and suggestions of others like myself as well as a moderator for the groups really helped!

[Guidostern]

I suggested counseling before and I'm not sure she's up for it. I have been talking to her for the past few hours and she doesn't seem to want to budge. I don't know, maybe things are over... I'm not one to give up... but she just sent me a text message saying some pretty bad things. My brother who is much older than me seems to think that it's an age thing because she just turned 24. I just asked her if she would be willing to see a counselor and she said "Why would I go somewhere with you when I want you gone." It seemed like she was willing to work on it earlier, but that changed pretty quick. I work an evening shift and she works midnight shifts... so we don't see each other a lot unless I get up early to spend time with her, then I end up being drained... Oh man, I don't know what to do anymore...

[Clough]

I'm still here, but, probably not for long, if you would like to continue to post to someone who is "live" on the site right now. It's almost 4:30 A.M. where I am, and I'm going to need to be getting to bed.

Depending on what you continue to post, I do know some really excellent people to pull onto your thread to give advice, if needed. The unfortunate thing right now, is that most of them are asleep.

You will get very helpful, understanding, kind and considerate advice here!

My thoughts are still that you should seek out a professional counselor and stick with him or her for awhile.

What do you think?

By the way, I wouldn't be comfortable with the "swinging" thing either...

[Clough]

I think that our posts crossed paths somewhere. I was responding to your post #3.

It sounds like the amount of time that you are able to spend with each other is an issue. Has she ever stated that it is?

Would you be willing to change to a job, or ask for a change in shift, where you would be able to have more compatible hours for spending time with each other?

I'm not one to want to give up either. I spent about 2&1/2 years trying to get back together with my wife after we were legally separated.

[Guidostern]

I think it's a good idea... I appreciate your advice. It's 4:30 where I'm at too, so I've got to get off to bed. I just don't know if I should keep trying and subjecting myself to this. She just told me that she would stick around until she could get enough money to move, but I might as well move because I have no one here anyway. Thanks again.

[Guidostern]

I could change jobs, but I don't know what she would think about that. I think she would be pretty upset even though I would be trying to make more time for her.

[Clough]

Has she acted this same way in the past concerning the two of you parting company?

We can't predict the future concerning what someone else is going to think. How about asking her what she would think about your changing jobs so that the two of you could spend more quality time with each other?

Have you tried asking her if she would help you with the problem that you are having concerning the two of you? (Might make her feel good about herself, because she could be a part of the solution to the problem that you are having, even though it might not really be so.)

The two of you could just be stuck in a rut concerning the words that you use in the dialogues that you have with each other.

Just some thoughts for you...

[Clough]

Goodnight, Guidostern!

I do hope that we can dialogue some more here! I do care much about you and your situation. I do think that we have some things in common concerning our relationships with others and personal issues that we have. As such, I will be asking some others to take a look at your question also.

I only wish and hope for you the best! :)

All anyone of us can do is try...

[Chery]

Hi dear,

My thoughts are:

In your profession, you know as well as anyone that it's not good to be in this state of mind.
Maybe the last time you spent together, you left her arms too soon to watch TV, but that still should not have made her blow her top like she did either - that's also unprofessional.

If you are willing to give up your job for a woman who has lost that special feeling for you, you need to think real hard on what is important in your life rigth now. Can you really cope with her swaying one way and then another? Can you really think of 'swinging' with her or any other woman?

I would suggest that you see a professional on your own to help you figure out what you want in life and what you can cope with to be content and happy. Apparently this situation is NOT what I would prescribe for you now or in the future. You seem to need more warmth, peace and security - and it does not sound as if she is the one willing to meet you half way.

What would you suggest to a person in your shoes when you knock on the door during duty? You would probably shake your head and tell him to move on and get a life...

Sorry that you have to go through this stress, and hope that you will be able to 'fix' yourself soon. Don't worry about 'fixing' anything with her - that's not under your control - and what you need most is regaining control and self-respect back.

Good luck, and stay with us - we'll try and help as much as we can.

[starlite1]

Hi Guidostern,

I wouldn't be concerned about 'fixing' things with your girlfriend. It sounds as though she has a lot of confusion going on within her, and that is something that she needs to figure out. Honestly, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think it best if you let her go. I know you love her, but she needs to figure out things for herself, and perhaps you do as well. The fact that you guys napped, everything was nice before you went to sleep, and when she got up, she was saying you are irresponsible, etc? What provoked that?

[damaged]

"Relationships are like glass...Sometimes is better to leave them broken, than hurting yourself trying to fix it"..
Your girl or ex told you she doesn't want to see you any more... I think its time to do what she says!. It sounds like she has some issues... It will hurt you but you got to let her go... She needs to figure out for herself what she wants... MOve on... Things get better, with time.. but they get better

[Guidostern]

Thanks for all of the help that every one of you have offered. I went to work this afternoon and then drove my car home and parked in the drive. Before I could get out of my patrol car she was out the front door and in the drive way at my driver side door. I exited the car and she wrapped her arms around me and told me what was eating at her over the past few weeks. One of her best friends died and she has been trying to cope with it all by herself.

I asked her, after almost 5 years of being together, why didn't she come to me? I got the answer... She said that she knows how rough my job is and she didn't want me to go out on patrol with her on my mind (picture of her being in a fragile state). I explained to her that I deal with a great number of issues every day, and just this evening I had to deliver a message to a young lady letting her know that her brother died in a car accident earlier this afternoon... I think if I can keep a clear head through that, I can deal with her problem just fine. But anyway, we talked for quite a while and now she's off to work and I'm headed back to town to work security at a local pub.

Anyway, I really appreciate you guys and will continue to return and see if I can help others just as all of you have helped me.

Thank you for giving up your time on this ol' boy.

[Clough]

Thank you for sharing what you have here, Guidostern! And, I'm glad that there has been some resolution for you to at least why she has been acting the way that she has!

It looks like there is hope and that the two of you are getting a good grip on improving the communication between the two of you!

There is hope...

[Chery]

Thanks for all of the help that each and every one of you have offered. I went to work this afternoon and then drove my car home and parked in the drive. Before I could get out of my patrol car she was out the front door and in the drive way at my driver side door. I exited the car and she wrapped her arms around me and told me what was eating at her over the past few weeks. One of her best friends died and she has been trying to cope with it all by herself.

I asked her, after almost 5 years of being together, why didn't she come to me? I got the answer...She said that she knows how rough my job is and she didn't want me to go out on patrol with her on my mind (picture of her being in a fragile state). I explained to her that I deal with a great number of issues every day, and just this evening I had to deliver a message to a young lady letting her know that her brother died in a car accident earlier this afternoon...I think if I can keep a clear head through that, I can deal with her problem just fine. But anyways, we talked for quite a while and now she's off to work and I'm headed back to town to work security at a local pub.

Anyways, I really appreciate you guys and will continue to return and see if I can help others just as all of you have helped me.

Thank you for giving up your time on this ol' boy.

I too hope all will work out for the best. Just a reminder... both of you have a profession in which things like this happen a lot, so she should know where she could go to share the hard parts of her life - and that you can handle any 'weakness' and support her. Let her know that mindreading is not one of your skills yet and that she can communicate more any time with you - even if there is a game on the TV.

Good luck.

[Guidostern]

Thanks, I found out today that some other problems are arising though. I didn't know about these things and I try very hard to get her to communicate with me even though neither of us are talkers. She says that she just doesn't feel the same way about me as I do her. She says that she loves me with every single portion of her heart and soul, but she's just not sure anymore.

The weird thing is that she says that we will stay together, but she's not trying... why would she do this? I asked her and she couldn't give me an answer. She just said with a very hurt look on her face "I'm just not going to try." At first I kind of thought it was because of the loss that she's experienced, but then I am driving home and pass her ex on the road to our house... he lives 5 hours away but has family here. His marriage is failing because he's not happy, but I began to wonder if it had something to do with him. I have talked to her and talked to her, but she's not willing to budge. I caught her in a little white lie today as well. She told me that she was working this evening when we met for lunch and then after I got home she told me that she was off. I said "But I thought you had to work, that's what you told me" and she said "No, I don't have to work tonight or tomorrow night." I know that she may need some space, but I figured she would have enough since I just went through a shift change this week and she did too. We generally don't see each other but for maybe 2 hours a day... so, I'm almost back at square one again...

[Burn_Notice]

Sorry to hear that.. I can't help but say that things don't look too bright from my point of view.

Ask yourself this; Would you want to be in/continue a serious relationship with a woman who is not sure if she feels the same loving feelings for you as she did and is not willing to even TRY to make things better for the two of you..


About the ex and her white lie, it could be nothing - or it could be everything,
Either way, if you start speculating like this without really knowing anything
You will definitely not feel better, and it's a great way to waste energy, trust me, I been there, done that.

[Guidostern]

I have thought about that... why should I stay around if she continues to say that she's not going to try... but I'm also hung up on all of the time I have invested with this. It's 5 years of my life that have just been a waste, but it could be more if I continue on... she's always been kind of flaky, but never about our relationship... since we actually knew we loved and cared about each other, we've talked about what we're going to do for our wedding.

What makes me so incline to keep trying is that just 2 weeks ago we were planning our wedding, going to places so we could do the registry thing... and then this... it makes me feel like I need to stay and fix things...

My brother told me that I should give her a while because she will most likely change her mind and if I move back to OK, then the chances of me coming back even if I want to are very slim... maybe I'm just hopelessly blind when it comes to this girl...