[starlite1]

Hey Guys,

I'm sorry to keep bringing this up, but I really still am hurting...

Why doesn't he call/text/e-mail etc? Is it because he really is over me?

Even though I said what I said to him, I did explain myself the next day, and said that of course I could marry him, but I would want to live together first... and he said that ship has sailed (You see this in my original post).

[damaged]

You don't have to apologize.. We're here to help...
I know it hurts, it hurts a lot... but you need 2 move on... You know this guy isn't worth it...
I'm sorry but to me he is a piece of crap... He doesn't call because he doesn't care.. It's that simple!. I don't think he truly wants to be with you.. I don't understand why would he change his mind so quickly... If he was truly serious about marrying you, he would have gotten back with you instead of saying " that ship has sailed".. maybe he wasn't even going to propose and he said that to make you feel bad..

I always felt that by being with a man, no matter how he treats me...its okay, because at least I am with someone.....

U need to understand that you don't need anybody to make you happy.. YOU are responsible for your own happiness, and if you can't make yourself happy, no 1 can do that for you.. Stop thinking about finding a man and focus on finding you and making YOU happy... It takes a lot of work but it's all worth it...
"whoever is happy will make others happy too..He who has courage & faith will never perish in misery"

[JBeaucaire]

You know we can't speak to what is going on with him. (nudge) You know that.

You're need to get inside his head is unfortunate. You basically set yourself up with a goal that can never be attained, so you never stop fretting the point. It's a black hole. Lose-lose.

Even if you two were happily together, this would be a terrible habit to get into, needing to "get his feelings"... (shudder). Who can live that way long term?

Happiness comes from being able to freely and honestly express yourself and enhance other people's lives in the process. That's win-win, everyday.

And turning down a proposal to "live together instead"... that's insecurity talking. It's become commonplace... meaning a LOT of people are making this mistake, not that it's a good idea everyone is using.

Practicing being married without the committed selfless love that is supposed to be sworn at the altar, well, it makes the whole living together situation impossible for a majority of the people who do it.

You find yourself still dating, and dating includes being able to walk away, but mixes finances, loses private space, increases expectations without the security you won't lose each other at the same time... it's a mess.

Date, date, date, data, and date until you are certain you can selflessly love this other person. Then marry them, give them the sworn promise you won't abandom them when things get hard/distracted/painful/betrayed... that's a marriage that can survive.

[talaniman]

Living together is the easy way out and requires only a tooth brush. Sorry ladies, its getting the milk free without buying the cow. You can just leave if you piss me off, and oh, don't forget the toothbrush.

Originally Posted by starlite1
I always felt that by being with a man, no matter how he treats me...its okay, because at least I am with someone.....

We have covered that ground and you see where it gets you. It doesn't work.

Why doesn't he call/text/e-mail etc? Is it because he really is over me?

If you have to ask the question, then you aren't focused on you. That's the whole point of loving yourself first.
Hate to say it like this, but he doesn't have to call, when you will stew in your own juice and miss him, because he knows you need him , no matter how he acts or treats you.
All he is doing is waiting for you to cave into his demands, and he can have all the milk he wants free of charge, or commitment. And leave whenever he wants. If you weren't so off balance from being dumped, you could see this for yourself.

[starlite1]

That's why I am not calling him/texting etc, because I don't want him to feel that way...

I really did want to marry him, but the fact that he out of the blue contacted me back in November after a year and half of hardly any communication (maybe 5 e-mails total), on our second meeting, he said the same thing he has said that last two times; 'I love you, I missed you, and I want to spend my life with you". At first I was ecstatic, but the next day and several times after that, I said to him, 'you have said this every time;, basically talk is cheap! Maybe he was ready to get married to me, had the ring, etc....but I really got nervous, and scared for the fact that I didn't want the past to repeat itself. Of course I wanted to marry him (not live with him without being married/a commitment), but after I said that 'I would love to move down to Georgia and Marry you, I paused for about 5 seconds, and whammo, I said it "but I can't"....it blew me away, because for the last 5 months, I WAS moving there, I WAS looking forward to being officially proposed to by him, I WAS excited about spending my life with him, but it's as if GOD or another force got into me at that second (approx. 2 weeks before I was to move) and I said 'I can't". The next day, I felt so badly for what I had said, especially since I was planning to spend my life with him, and was telling him how I can't wait, (I really wasn't leading him on, and I didn't want him to think that I was), and then I blew it... The man that I wanted to be with for so long was about to bring me into his home in GA, and proprose (so he stated), and I screwed up... But... there was a real reason as to why I said what I said... even after he kept telling me all these months "I know it's a leap of faith Karen, but please trust me, I really want it this time"... That's the thing... I couldn't risk moving to a place where I don't know anyone or anything, and God for bid that happened again...
But what gets me is I was so dedicated to this man for so long, expressed my love to him on every level... and he kicks me to the curb... even now... You think if he really was in love with me, even after what I said to him, wouldn't you think that he would want to talk more, stay with me and work through the hurdle so we can have a beautiful life together?? No, instead he called me a 'project', and said he wants an easy, trouble-free marriage... That hurt...

Good Morning,

I am adding to this. Today I feel so depressed... I am really missing him so much. I feel so badly that I said that 'I can't marry him" Maybe he really changed...I failed this because I didn't even give it a chance to work...I didn't move there like I was going to, I didn't give it a chance this time.....Can I make it right? Will he ever allow me to make it right? Or did that 'ship truly sail?" The last time I spoke with him was last week, and as of then he told me to book my flight for the concert which is July 9th... I didn't book my flight yet... I am waiting to see if he contacts me before that... I am so confused...

[starlite1]

Hi Guys,

You all have been so supportive, and I can't thank you enough. I am still having a rough time, for some reason, esp. today.

Today I feel so depressed... I am really missing him so much. I feel so badly that I said that 'I can't marry him" Maybe he really changed...I failed this because I didn't even give it a chance to work...I didn't move there like I was going to, I didn't give it a chance this time.....Can I make it right? Will he ever allow me to make it right? Or did that 'ship truly sail?" The last time I spoke with him was last week, and as of then he told me to book my flight for the concert which is July 9th... I didn't book my flight yet... I am waiting to see if he contacts me before that... I am so confused...

[damaged]

Idk what to say anymore... he knows how you feel and still decided t0 n0t be with you...
He kn0ws he could be with you if he really wants to, but he is not... dat must mean he dsnt really want... u don't have to wait for him... like we all have told you : w0rk 0n yourself,be happy with wh0 u are... u need 2 realize you don't need any man t0 make you happy...

Nd just like you, today has being a crappy day for me... I feel like crap and I don't really know if I miss him or his company.. 2morrow is my birthday, (I spent my last birthday w. him) so its going to be really hard for me... idk...

But back 2 you... try 2 enj0y your c0mpany... its hard s0metimes, but it's a must d0... I wish you the best!

[epiphany]

I have been reading at this site for a very short time, but your last post and now this post has made me register to answer.

PLEASE stop beating yourself up over this guy. I even just went back and reread your original post, for a few years this guy dropped you whenever he needed space, time to think, or just decided he had to and when you would come back together again you would welcome him back because you felt you "loved" him. I am not saying what you feel is right or wrong just stating what you wrote.

Now after a few years of living with his ups and downs, you get cold feet before putting your lifestyle on the line (moving, marriage, etc) and run back to him the next day apologetic and this guy says "nope, ship has sailed". People who love you don't call the whole thing off over that in one day.. if you love someone that is very unrealistic. Nothing you did should cause such a severe reaction, be it truth or not on his part.

I ask does this sound like someone who loves you the way you want, does this sound like a guy who really wants to take your feelings into account?

You got scared and needed him to hear how you felt, listen and man up to how his previous actions have caused your fear of him walking when things get tough AND basically he shut the door in your face again.

You are twisting in the wind and stressing over a man who really only seems to desire to bring you drama and sadness when it is his whim to do so. That isn't love in my book and certainly not a way to live the rest of your life if you were married.

Please do yourself a favor, stop over analyzing everything.. it takes two people. He isn't manning up to what he has done to cause you pain in the past and you sitting replaying all you did and second guessing yourself is not healthy. Take a deep breath and realize that if someone loves you they won't do this to you over and over again. Relax, learn to love yourself and your decisions of what is best for you, and let him go.

It seems like he let you go many times in the past, and look at where it has gotten you now. You have to let him go for good.

[chuff]

If you are so confused, I think you need to continue with the break up. What's the point of dating someone who you are not even sure if you want to date.

[starlite1]

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much for talking with me. I am so sorry I keep bringing all this up over and over again. I really do love this man, and I would love to be with him (spend my life with him, get married, etc ) It's just he hurt me so badly in the past that is why I got scared.

Chuff - The reason why I am confused is maybe he did change? But then no, wait a minute, If that was the case, he would have called, communicated. Etc ?

Damaged - I want to wish you a Happy Birthday. I am sorry you are going through a hard time as well... Please know I am hear for you too, and I hope you have a beautiful birthday and are out having some fun!

Epiphany - thank you for taking the time to read my situation and respond. It means so much that you all are here. Honestly? If it wasn't for this site and all of you, I know I would have called him by now. And completely broke down...

I'm giving you all fair warning though... I am going to do the best I can to foget him and get myself happy, but if I have a bad day, week. etc... I will be here seeking your advice again..

Thank you
Karen

[chuff]

I'm giving you all fair warning though...I am going to do the best I can to foget him and get myself happy, but if I have a bad day, week. etc....I will be here seeking your advice again..

Thank you
Karen

Karen, that last sentence says it all. You need to make yourself happy, you can't worry about him right now. In fact that constant going back and forth is what is driving your confusion even further. Focus on yourself for your future, if he comes back in it later then that's fine, but right now you've got to rebuild yourself back up to where you can be happy with who you are and the decisions you make.

[Sikativ]

Go out, do YOUR thing, and kick butt doing it!

I am sure you've got a good head on your shoulders and you're just a bit upset right now, but just keep your balance and move on.

Have fun with YOUR own thing :)

-Sik

[talaniman]

I'm giving you all fair warning though... I am going to do the best I can to foget him and get myself happy, but if I have a bad day, week. etc... I will be here seeking your advice again..

I await for your next vent with bated breath, and open mind, Sure we will be here.:D

[starlite1]

Thank you Tal and everyone,

I really want to reach out to him and say hello... I know, I know... not a good idea, right? I am really missing him so much, and of course I dreamed of him last night... I can't help but think this is all my fault... he was all ready for me to move down to GA and share our lives together.. and I blew it...

[epiphany]

You really have to stop dwelling on the idea that you "blew it". I know that is easier said then done to because often I struggle with this same mentality in relationships.

What I have come to learn, is short of abuse or cheating.. there isn't a whole lot of times when one particular decision "blows" anything. It takes two people to do that and you got a bit nervous, it can happen to the best of us. If he hasn't contacted you by now you really have to stop beating yourself up over this.

I hate to say this and sound harsh but often times for all of thought and spinning you have going on in your head, the other person is NOT 9 times out of 10 giving it the same amount of thought. Don't let it consume you.

[starlite1]

Hi Epiphany,

I know, you are right. I think that is what hurts the most... not that I want him to be miserable at all, I just wished that even though I got cold feet, because he said 'he loves me' and we have this love for each other, that he would want to talk things out and work through this so we can move forward with each other... and make me feel safe (safe because of his yo-yoing in the past)...

I am supposed to go to a concert with him in GA in July, and the last time I spoke with him (over a week ago), he still wanted me to go... I am still considering going... but I know once I get there I would want to talk...

[starlite1]

By the way... I saw Sex and the City movie this past Friday night... Oh God... as beautiful and fun as it was... that really, REALLY hit home... LOL!

[damaged]

I guess that if you want to go to the concert you should go, but be ready for whatever...
"hope for the best, prepare for the worst".. & if things go right, then good for you, but if they don't go the way u expect, then we're here!

[starlite1]

Hi Damaged,

Thank you, I really appreciate all of your kindness. I haven't booked any flights as of yet... I want to first see if we communicate and if he still wants to go...

Let me say for the record... as wonderful as relationships are... they can sure suck! (pardon my french)...

[starlite1]

Okay gang,

I need some more advise... I am planning on calling him in the next week or so to talk more of the upcoming concert... and how long I will stay for. How do I bring it up and let him know that I am excited about seeing him.. but not sounding needy or anything?