[jrsg]

I'm still a little cloudy on the issue...

If I bring it up, she will feel guilty again? Even if the reason I bring it up is to tell her that I am not hurt by it, and there is no reason for her to feel guilty. I mean, I know I can't tell her how to feel... but I can't bring it up at all?

I guess if I ever want her back, it is the friend zone...

[talaniman]

I was trying to pick out the good points Chery has brought up, and chose the whole thing, and sorry, I had to spread the rep, but that was a darn good post.
She dumped you so let her be the one to explain or make up, bottom line, and let her friends tell her how much fun your having, as girls use friends like an army, to gather info, spread rumors, and protect each other. That's what's happening here, as if she wanted to talk she would have made it possible. Walk away with your dignity, and self respect, and place those doubts, and questions on the shelf, for later.

[Chery]

I'm still a little cloudy on the issue...

If I bring it up, she will feel guilty again? Even if the reason I bring it up is to tell her that I am not hurt by it, and there is no reason for her to feel guilty. I mean, I know I can't tell her how to feel... but I can't bring it up at all?

I guess if I ever want her back, it is the friend zone...

Yup, it is back to square one! Either that, or get off her chessboard. Take some time to seriously think this over - you want to open the door again, so forget about wanting 'closure' - that's meaningless in the stage of this relationship.

[jrsg]

Good point,
And nice metaphor with the open door and 'closure', that is really nice, lol.

But in all seriousness I will think about it hard, or think more and longer. I have thought about it for 3 hours now (since I got home from school), and I have come to some conclusions, but I still have hours of thinking to go.

Thanks for the advice, and I will let you know my decisions, and how they go. I will keep you posted, and I'm sure I will be back with more questions.

[jrsg]

That's exactly what we expect you to do. Make your own decisions, mistakes and gain your experiences. That's our mission here. We just advise from our collective experience and let you do the rest.

Good luck dear.
Welcome.

Thank you

[jrsg]

Okay,
After a few hours of hard thinking, I think I know what I am going to do.
I am going to go against some of the advice you provided me. Please don't take it as disrespect to you guys. I feel that I know the situation better than anyone else, so I can make the best decision.

After weighing the pros and cons, I think I am going to ASK to talk to her over lunch (privately) tomorrow. I am going to bring up the past (which I was advised against), and try to clarify why she broke up with me. If I think the issue/problem can be resolved, I will ask her to come back to me, not in a begging manor, but as a "lets give it another try" way (also advised against).

I don't expect her to come back though, and if I can't get her back now, then I don't know. I am in high school, and don't want to spend so much time waiting for her. If she doesn't want to get back together, we can move on, in our own directions, hopefully still being friends. I just need to get this situation over with, no matter the outcome. I think the situation as a whole is having more of an emotional impact on me than anything else.

So I thought I would let you know what I decided. Thanks for all the help guys, and I will let you know how it goes.

The plan:
Plan for tomorrows lunch:
(Prior to lunch)
-ask to talk to her (in privacy) about the break up.

(At lunch, IF she agrees to talk)
-Ask why she decided a break up was necessary
-Get to the real reason of the break up, identify what the problem was
-Attempt to resolve problem, clarify (Clairfy how I actually feel)
-Let her know I still like her
-If all goes well, ask her if we could get together again

THREE OUTCOMES/OPTIONS:
1-We get back together, live happily ever after (Best, but not expected)
2-Be good friends (Not the best, but I'd take it over option 3)
3-Go our own ways (Worst, but I can cope)

***I am ready for anything here. As I mentioned earlier, the place I am in now is not good for me at all. I think I want to move on, with or without her. I still really like her, and I want to get back with her, but if it doesn't work, then okay. I have a whole life ahead of me, and I won't let this get to me too much. I'm finally thinking logically, no longer emotionally. Thanks again guys, I'll keep you posted, and let you know how it goes tomorrow. Thanks again, you've all been great.

Opinions on my plan are welcome and appreciated, but I am not expecting a whole lot of people to agree with me and my decision. :) But you know what, this is the first time I've actually felt happy and in control in a while.

[kaitou]

I personally think is either option 1 or option 3.

If it doesn't work out, option 2 probably won't happen because it will be too awkward between the two of you, and also it'll drain you to be around her, preventing you from moving on.

[thinkinabouthim]

Okay.. a bit of a story here, but please help me.

I am 16 years old in grade 10 in highschool. My ex is 15, also in grade 10. (There is only 2 months age difference).

Some background on my ex girlfriend:
She was in a relationship with a guy, "John" for 4 months. She knew this guy since birth, and they have been friends for life. John is 20 years old.

Then I came in, and she broke up with him for me. (NOTE: This was her decision. I did not even ask her out until about 2 weeks after she broke up with "John.")

So I went out with her, for about 2 weeks, hardly anytime at all :(.

She decided to go out with her ex one day as friends. She says she wants to be friends with him still, which I understand. Don't forget that this guy has been in her life as a friend for 15 years.

So she goes out with him one night (I figured this out the day after.) I also figured out that he kissed her. She told me this, and she told me she backed away, and got mad, and stopped it right away. I didn't react to much because she told me, and I trust her. This guy has also been sending her love letter, begging her to go back to him, so I wasn't suprised when he tried something like that.

A day after she tells me about the incident between her and "John," we see eachother in school. It is a normal day, but she has been quiet, and avoiding me since the incident between her and "John."

The school day is over now, and I am walking home. I get a text message, "we have to talk." This happens 30 minutes after a fairly normal day of seeing her. In the end, she calls me that night, and dumps me. I ask why, and she says she feels guilty about what she did with "John." She says the way I looked really broken when I figured out he kissed her. And she says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so she broke up with me.

I saw her the next day in school, and we talked like nothing ever happened. I wanted to talk about the break up, and she knows that. I didn't want to talk about it in the middle of my english class though. So we were supposed to talk at lunch, she was "busy." We were supposed to talk after school, she was "busy." I aksed if we could meet over the weekend and talk but, you guessed it, "busy."

SO,
Does anybody have any idea of what may have happened? And how do I get her back?

Please don't tell me i am young, and have a whole life. I want her back now. Please help.

I should also point out that she really is annoyed by "John" and I am 99% positive she wouldn't go back to him. He wants 2 kids, and marriage. The girl only wants some fun, and a person to support her. She is, after all, only in highschool. And John is in University.

So what happend? and how do I get her back?

Thanks for reading my novel of a story, and thanks for the help.
-J

You really should talk about the breakup. If you can't talk about it then it'll be hard for both of you to move on as friends. Get her to really be honest about the breakup so both of you can have a good friendship and hopefully have that friendship grow into something more. I agree with mulholland, be very careful about doing the whole close friendship thing, a lot of girls worry about ruining a friendship. Take it easy don't be too pushy, be there for her when she needs you, and really work on having a good conversation about the breakup. Good luck, oh yeah by the way thanks for the advice you gave me, I appreciate it

[jrsg]

I'm having that talk tomorrow:)... we'll see how it goes. I was looking over the thread, and I was noticing how differently I was thinking at the beginning as compared to now. It's a little funny, anyway, I'm checking out now until tomorrow after school, and after 'the talk.' I'll let you know how it goes, or if it happens at all.

And thanks for your advice too, thinkinabouthim.

[thinkinabouthim]

I'm having that talk tomorrow:)... we'll see how it goes.

Definitely good luck with that talk, I'm sure it'll be fine

[jrsg]

Okay, I come to you with disappointing news...
I didn't have the talk today. I couldn't figure out how to ask her to talk.
There was a moment where my friend who sits near me in English class (class before lunch) asked me what I am doing for lunch. I couldn't say something like "I want to talk to my ex about why we broke up," with my ex right beside me (she not knowing my intentions to talk to her that day). It was awkward for a moment, but I ended up going to lunch with my buds.

It was a fairly good day though, because she and I were close for the day, and we got along well. She laughs at my jokes, and seems happy to be around me.

But, I think I may be messing up, big time. You know how you said not to give her extra attention (I agree with that advice)... well, I think I may be doing just that.
My friends would bother me, in a way tease me that I had a girlfriend, it was all fun though. I haven't had a girlfriend for a while, so it was a surprise to some that I actually had a girlfriend. So, one of them said to me today, "are you just telling us you two broke up just so we won't tease you anymore?" At this moment, I realized not much has changed since the break up. We talk the same, act the same, its like we're still dating. We just aren't "affectionate" anymore, and I don't go out with her after school.
The relationship hasn't changed much, and we see each other for 4 hours a day.

So, three questions:

1. First of all, how do I treat the situation with attention giving?

2. How do I ask her to talk? (What do I say, i.e "Could we talk at lunch today?")

3. How do I ask her to give our relationship another try? (I couldn't figure out what I could say, I can't just say, "lets give it another try." I need something more intellectual... )

[talaniman]

1. First of all, how do I treat the situation with attention giving?
Well since your in friendzone, be friendly, and focus on other things beside her as I know you see her as your best friend, but she isn't your only one. There may be a few who you haven't connected with in a while.
2. How do I ask her to talk? (What do I say, i.e "Could we talk at lunch today?")
Leave it for when your sure of what you want to say.
3. How do I ask her to give our relationship another try? (I couldn't figure out what I could say, I can't just say, "lets give it another try." I need something more intellectual... )
Take a week and think about it.

[Chery]

For crying out loud dude! Don't you realize that you are talking already and on the way to renewing the FRIENDSHIP? That was your initial plan, wasn't it. She does not avoid you and laughs at your jokes.

If you expect more, i.e an explanation or apology from her for breaking up or talking to John... FORGET IT!
Forget about 'that talk' altogether.

As for asking straight out to give the relationship more affection - hey, slow down, give her a chance to breathe and let her make the moves - no matter how long it takes. Accept that she does feel comfortable around you again and that you have the feeling of dating. The rest will come in due time if you handle it right.

Friendship means meeting half-way and having fun during the time together. You will jeopardize what you have now by pushing for more...

What do you mean by more 'intellectual'? You are a teen, doing teen things, and still learning how to cope with that. So, stop trying to be a professor or analyst. What you need is some simple MATURITY here and you are getting it from the best site on the net, but you are not listening - that's your choice.

So, do it your way and let us know the outcome... I already know how it will develop if you stay stubbornly on your way in a hurry.

Another thing - who cares what your buddies think about you and personal relationships? You should learn how to keep buddy time and possible girlfriend time in perspective and believe me, they are not the same and surely not subjects for 'group gossip'. Doing stuff like that is disrespectful to any girl you date now and in the future.

Am I wasting my time here? If so, please let me know because I do have better things to do with the time I have left. I care, but hate bumping into walls.

[jrsg]

I have my mind made up. You're right when you say I'm stubborn. I am. I think it is best that I have the talk, and sort things out.

And I don't think you are bumping into walls here, but if you feel that way, I'm sorry. And I don't think you are wasting time. You are giving advice, I'm taking it into consideration, and I am making a decision based on the advice I receive, as well as what I think of the situation.

Make your own decisions, mistakes and gain your experiences. That's our mission here. We just advise from our collective experience and let you do the rest.

[jrsg]

Okay, so I am back for more advice…
Here is the link for the last thread (relates to this one) – https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-219330.html

So, I decided to have 'the talk' with her against your advice. Again, sorry if that offended any of you, but I felt I had to do it. So we had the talk, and we learned a lot about the situation. She learned how I really felt about the situation with 'John'. I learned why she broke up with me. She is going to be gone for 4 weeks in the summer, and another 2 later on. She says she doesn't want to start a relationship with me when she is going to be gone for just about the entire summer break. Oh yeah, and another thing, 'John' is suicidal. One night, when I was with her, she figured out that he tried to kill himself. 'Johns' friend found him, and saved his life.
John has been in counseling for months before, but he recently stopped, and this is what happens.
Anyway, John basically told her that if she didn't go back to him, that he would kill himself. (If you knew this guy, you would know that it is not past him to do something like this.) So she is going to go back to him. She tells me that her plan is to be a b**ch to him so that he breaks up with her. We all talked to him in an intervention setting, but the guy won't go to counseling, or give up on this girl. So the plan, we think, is best. (She told me her plan from the beginning, and she rants to me, and I give her moral support.) I am still a good friend in her life, and I'm there for her when she need me, i.e with her suicidal ex. I am following the 'friend zone' advice here, and I think it is working.
I went into the talk ready to ask for her to come back to me, but after hearing this, I didn't. She has enough crap to deal with in her life, me saying I want her back would just make her life that much more confusing. What to do with this guy would be a good question for a physiological thread, but my question is what do I do here.

Should I ask her if there is any chance of us getting back together after this 'John' thing, and after she gets back from her vacation? Or do I just let it play out, and see what happens? Maybe ask her back after all this is over, if I still feel I want to?

Right now, I am leaning towards letting things play out, and see what happens. If I still love her when all this is over, then I will ask her to come back, if not, then I move on.
What are your opinions/ recommendations?

[JBeaucaire]

Right now, I am leaning towards letting things play out, and see what happens. If I still love her when all this is over, then I will ask her to come back, if not, then I move on.

Sounds like you've got a plan. That's as honest and open-minded as anyone here can expect.

[Sikativ]

You sound level headed and are right on track with what YOU want to do. Like JB said, sounds like you've got a plan and that's awesome.

Just be ready for anything, jrsg.

-Sik

[jrsg]

Thanks JB, and Sik.
So you guys think it is a good plan?

But it is a seriously screwed up situation for a person to be in... Part of me just laughs at it, how messed it is.

And I am ready for anything. I am ready to let her go, (but still keep her as a friend.) She seems like she still likes me, so I think it will be my decision. At the beginning of the break up, I was really broken inside... I wanted her back sooo badly. Now, I'm just thinking I don't need this. I am in grade 10, 16 years old. I am all for trying again, but if it doesn't work out, then life goes on.

[JBeaucaire]

Look, we could be TOTALLY honest and tell you the "drama" is ridiculous and you should move on. We're all thinking that. But we're pragmatic here. We know love doesn't rule all, but it does come into play. You care for her and are willing to wait this out. That's fair.

I don't know that I would counsel you to wait around, but your plan indicates your still open to anything else life might offer in the meantime. If that's true, then you're doing fine. Just REALLY stay open to other things.

I'd hate to ever learn you missed out on a couple of Mrs. Awesomes while pandering to this situation.

[jrsg]

Very true, JB. Thanks