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sweetlee102 · May 13, 2008, 11:03 AM

Ok to make a long story short... my boyfriend is on Yahoo messenger a lot, especially at work which I understand but also when he is home. We met online on Yahoo personals. He did bring his personal ad down and he has had Yahoo messenger for years. I have told him to tell me if he is sure this is what he wants and he says yes. I get stressed out and worried when he is on there though because I wonder who he is talking to. Today for instance, he is really busy at work and he usually goes on gmail chat to talk to me but he is not today, he sent me one email saying its pretty busy but he is on Yahoo messenger, I saw him on I just can't get in it at work. It is driving me insane and I do not know how to calm my nerves... or how to feel. My friends tell me not to worry about it but I can't seem to help myself. I do not want to be played for a fool.

I feel I should also say that I do have major insecurity issues, which yes I am going to seak help for. These issues come out in every relationship I have. I want this to be a healthy relationship but I have the most difficult time trusting guys when I am with them. This would have changed by now, I will be 30 this year. He is older, 37 but I don't know how much age matters I am finding. I do love him and we have so much fun together. I just don't know how to trust anyone I am close to.

Any advice would be so appreciated. If you need more details let me know!

bigbird213 · May 13, 2008, 11:20 AM

It is wise to seek help for your insecurity problems.

However, I don't know if you are ready for a relationship such as this if you cannot trust him to be online.

Do you have any reason to believe that anything funny is going on, or just your own insecurities. If you have no reason, you will simply drive him away -- almost like a self fufilling prophecy.

HistorianChick · May 13, 2008, 11:24 AM

Sweetie, every successful relationship HAS to have two basic components: trust and communication.

If you can't/don't/won't trust him and/or communicate your insecurities with him, you will not (or ever) have a successful relationship with this man.

You have to trust him with as much trust as you expect to receive. Has he given you a reason to distrust him? Do you know that he is chatting with other women or do you just suspect that he is? Have you told him that you are uncomfortable with his Yahoo messenger "addiction"? Does he know that you are insecure about this?

Communicate your insecurities. This is the only way that you will turn your insecurities into trust.

I wish you the best!

talaniman · May 15, 2008, 08:09 AM

How long have you been seeing each other?

sweetlee102 · May 15, 2008, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

How long have you been seeing each other?

We have been together for 6 months

sweetlee102 · May 15, 2008, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Sweetie, every successful relationship HAS to have two basic components: trust and communication.

If you can't/don't/won't trust him and/or communicate your insecurities with him, you will not (or ever) have a successful relationship with this man.

You have to trust him with as much trust as you expect to receive. Has he given you a reason to distrust him? Do you know that he is chatting with other women or do you just suspect that he is? Have you told him that you are uncomfortable with his yahoo messenger "addiction"? Does he know that you are insecure about this??

Communicate your insecurities. This is the only way that you will turn your insecurities into trust.

I wish you the best!

He has not given me a reason to distrust him, but I'm sure he is chatting with other women because he told me he is still friends with exes and that he talks to them online. I am sure he is talking to women. He knows I am insecure but I don't think he knows I'm insecure about him and Yahoo messenger. I am just not sure how to say it because I can't tell him to not go on it, because I know he talks to people to help him get through his 12 hour days. I just get worried and jealous.

talaniman · May 15, 2008, 08:24 AM

We have been together for 6 months

This is not a long time together to have any of these issue as your still just getting to know each other so my advice is to work on your own issues as they will take all the fun your supposed to be having and destroy ANY relationship you ever have.

I feel I should also say that I do have major insecurity issues, which yes I am going to seak help for. These issues come out in every relationship I have. I want this to be a healthy relationship

This is your problem to deal with, not his. Back off what he is doing, and be conscious of what your doing. Stay busy with your own life and let him enjoy his. At least your getting help, and that's a good thing so best of luck to you.

sweetlee102 · May 15, 2008, 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

This is not a long time together to have any of these issue as your still just getting to know each other so my advice is to work on your own issues as they will take all the fun your supposed to be having and destroy ANY relationship you ever have.

This is your problem to deal with, not his. Back off what he is doing and be conscious of what your doing. Stay busy with your own life and let him enjoy his.
If you need professional help to guide you thru the process of coping with your own feelings of insecurity, don't be to ashamed to get it. feeling like these can destroy a relationship.

Thank you, you are very right and as of yesterday I did start seeking professional help because these are issues I have been dealing with since god knows when.

bigbird213 · May 15, 2008, 09:24 AM

I commend you on seeking help for your issues. It is the right thing to do.

I was dating someone who did not trust me and spoke as if the fact that she had insecurity/trust issues was just the way she was and it was my responsibility to deal with it. I put up with it at the time, but it didn't end well. I won't ever be told again that its my job to deal with insecurity - it's a real relationship killer.

Good luck to you.