[masterchief1752]

Hi everyone,

I am a senior in high school and I am graduating in a months time and going to a top 10 school that is about 3 hours away from my home town. I am currently dating and in love with a wondeful girl that feels the same about me. She is a junior and when she graduates she is going to a school an hour away from mine.

First the problem. Before I started dating my current girlfriend, I dated her best friend for 6 months. It was a horrible relationship, she treated me like I was always hurting and eventually she broke up with me and broke my heart. Because my current g/f was upset she broke my heart, she stuck up for me. I assume my ex figured that my current g/f would hate me and not talk to me and agree with her no matter what and when she didn't, they got into a fight that led to my ex "hating" my g/f and saying all sorts of stuff about her. Eventually about 3 months later they became friends again, unknowing that me and my current g/f were dating. Eventually a month later she found out. She was upset, started saying all sorts of lies to my g/f about me, and telling her stories that weren't even remotely true. Well my g/f and I talked about them and decided to stay together through it all, and when my ex learned this she started the treating my g/f like crap, saying stuff about her, but even morea about me. All my girlfriends friends are buddies with my ex so naturally they believed her and are upset with my girfriend for not siding with my ex.

Recently my g/f got fed up with it all. She told me that she wanted her life back, that her current one sucks and that she doesn't know what to do. I asked her if she wanted to break up, and she told me that she still loves me more than anything but thinks that we should just be friends and when she goes to college we wll get back together. She says she will still go to prom with me and on vacation with my family as planned.

I am at a crossroad as to what I should do. I don't know if this means she likes someone else or if she just doesn't love me anymore and is trying to ease the break up. I don't know if I should be friends with her and deal with her going for other guys or if I should just not speak to her, give up and get over her. I don't want to make any decisions without being 100% sure it's the right thing.

Can anyone give me advice on what I should do in this situation and how to know what is the truth. Thanks

[serena7506]

Well I think she is being selfish if she loved you she would not care what her friends thought and breaking up would never cross her mind she is trying to make her friends happy and she is not thinking of you and when she says ley get back together when we go to college I would say hell no she wants her cake and eat it to and that can't happen so I would not go to prom with her or go on vacation with her move on and find someone that cares about you and no what her friends think good luck oh yeah I hope you leave her move on better yourself be single for a while:D :D

[masterchief1752]

Right I figured that's what I would do. In fact that's what I told myself I would do. But she says that she really wants to spend the rest of her life with me because we've already been through so much. That's what confuses me. She says she really thinks we'll be together. Like you said I should do that but I'm just so attached. What should I do from here on out

[JBeaucaire]

Don't fool yourself. You don't have a choice. You HAVE to make a decision without knowing 100% whether it's the right thing or not. We all have to do that, it's the harsh reality of living in a world where feelings go one way but truth goes the other.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Anyway, it's OK if you just believe what she says is actually true, it doesn't have to mean anything more than what she's said. It's OK for you to not like what it means or how it makes you feel.

But it's NOT OK for you to ignore the choices that must be made to keep your head straight and your life on track.

You both like each other. Fine. But that's not enough, I hope you see that.

You both need to be committed to each other in a way that is moving TOWARDS the "forsaking all others" mentality. Do you know what I mean? It's clear she's not in that place at all anymore. So even if you are, you can't do it alone.

I suggest you follow her lead, accept the breakup. Whether you stay friends or not shouldn't really even matter at this point. Do it or don't. But in the mean time, make sure the choices you make NEXT about your life don't include "contingencies" for the girl who has walked away. That's just poor planning.

If you two stumble back into each other's lives in the future, awesome! But don't need that to happen. Don't require it. Have a good year anyway. Make plans with THAT as the goal.

This way you win no matter what happens. Living well and moving forward is always a better plan.

[masterchief1752]

Well yeah your right. Now her mom is getting into it I think because we have had some brush ups before. She is telling her she can't go to prom with me, she isn't allowed to talk to me, and hang out with me. She did end up breaking up with me for this but I understood why but the thing is is that she really does want to be my friend, want to still love me, want to hang out and do all of the old things we used to do before we dated when it was good and she says when all these people are gone and she's away and doesn't have to worry about them we can move forward together. My question is do I walk away and hope or do I still talk to her. Do I act like I don't need her so she'll come back, or do I act like ill always be there for her no matter what. I always tell myself and her to do what is certain. Fight for it instead of leaving it to fate but I'm second guessing that now and I need help on what the smarter thing would be to do from here on out

[JBeaucaire]

... I always tell myself and her to do what is certain...

As I pointed out in my first response, there is nothing certain in this world (except death and taxes to coin an old phrase) and you have no choice but to keep moving forward and making sensible choices in the face of that uncertainty.

So far, other than being disappointed by it all, you seem to be handling it OK. Why not just let it be? Some things just are what they are. You two have broken up and her mom, regardless of what she says or why, is just enforcing more fully the reality that already is.

If you happen to bump into her AT the prom and dance a couple songs, no harm there, eh? If you see each other in class or at the mall, no reason not to be friendly, right? I just don't believe either one of you gain anything by going out of your way to try to stay friends. Just be friendly. Let that be enough.

[masterchief1752]

Yeah I see what your saying. I know that I shouldn't be trying to be friends so bad. I know that in the end that might hurt more. I told her that from now on its up to her what goes on. Its up to her to call I will hope she does but if she doesn't I won't be upset. I told her when I go to college I will hope she will talk to me but won't be upset or mad that she won't. That I'm going to be strong and that I will hope for the best and be her friend if she needs me to.

[masterchief1752]

All right well I talked to her for a good 3 hours and we decided to go on a break for a little. I am still in love with her and she is still very much in love with me. We both need a break for a bit, and what we are going to do is for two and a half weeks starting today, we will barely talk. I will see her once in school, and that's it. After that two and a half weeksis up, we will start talking, and start over like my ex wasn't even there. Like we just met it'll be like new. We will still be on a break and I will go to college, she will start her senior year. When I come home for christmas... about 3 months later... we will, we believe, start to date again. She really wants that, and she thinks it'll work. We will only be allowed to make out with anyone, not do anything else. And she is not the type of girl that does that, she has to be very comfortable with that person, and has really only had that with me.

My issue is 3 days after all this happens... she is going out and holding hands with a guy she used to like. She told me she thinks she would make out with him probably the next day when they were to go to the movies. I know I need to give her space but its 3 days later... I mean I don't know how she would just do that. I told her I thought it was wrong but she didn't see it. Am I being too paranoid/protective/jealous?

[JBeaucaire]

... am I being too paranoid/protective/jealous?

Yes, yes you are.

I told her I thought it was wrong but she didn't see it.

A break is a break. A break with rules, even ONE rule, isn't a break, it's a series of future arguments already laid out and waiting to occur.

A break is a break. No rules, no contingencies, no strings, no arguments, no controls, complete freedom. Anything other than that is pain, pain and more pain.

You are barely a few hours into your break, and look at the pain you're ALREADY feeling based on her looser interpretation of the rules you put in place.

A break is a break. You're not on a break, you're on separate vacations to make lists of things to fight about.

[masterchief1752]

See that's the thing now... I asked her in school which is the one time I see her for 2 minutes between classes, after I saw your post, if she was OK with the only makeout rule and I would be able to handle both of us doing more. She said no I like the rule, I think that its fine. She is not that kind of girl... she is fine with it, she proposed it so. I would just like to know, based on what I've given you so far... do you think that she would, after the 2 and a half weeks be fine to talk again, like we start over, and that by christmas time she will want to date... in other words from what can be seen... do you think that it will go as planned or go south. Because I am so confused about what to do. I don't know if I should stay and fight for it or just give up.

[JBeaucaire]

You can keep clarifying your story more and more until you finally get the answer you want, mostly because we'll just give in out of frustration.

Right now, based on what you've said and added, I think you two are headed for lots of disappointment. All your ground rules do is lay out the topics in advance for future fights.

There's nothing confusing going on here. Being indecisive ITSELF fosters a sense of confusion, even when everything is perfectly clear.

By indecisive I mean the kick-back, take a break, make out with others if you want, mamby-pamby approach you two are employing. It's lame. (Sorry I speak so frankly, forgive me.)

A man knows what he wants, makes a plan, and goes for it. Sharing my "target gal" with other guys would definitely NOT be in any plan I developed, and not something I would be OK with. But, if you don't "have" her yet, it's also something you can't control at this point.

All that matters here is do you want to pursue this girl exclusively or not? It's not a question for us or for debate. It's a question for you.

Make a decision, then put your full creative endeavors making THAT happen. You don't need our input for that. Just eliminate the confusion about your own goal, the rest will follow.

[N0help4u]

I think she is letting her feelings for her friends dictate her life somewhat.
Let her do what she feels she needs to and be there for her when she wants to spend time with you. Maybe someday she will decide which is more important her friends that can be so cruel or you. Make sure you do not be more than friends until she decides she wants to be with you or you could end up hurt.

[ac18]

well I am in the same perdicament in a way but we solved it differently... I am also a senior soon to go to college but the point is all of her friends and all of my friends hate us together... now what we did would probably work for you guys have a talk with the ones who are really causing problems then have a talk with them saying look I know you don't like us together but we love each other and this would make me more misserable if we broke up... tell them look I won't talk about them in front of you guys but be aware we are dating and I will talk to him... now this may or may not work but you two should give something like this a try if she really does love you then she will be upset without you.. tell her how you feel about this friend thing and how you don't like it... she is not being selfish she does need her life but you should fit into it if that's not the way it works then I'm sorry but let her go for now and if she still loves you then she will keep her promise about next year dating you... if she didn't want to be with you, she would would have never said that =]

[masterchief1752]

Yeah I keep like needing to talk to her. To clarify things just so I can get through the day. Imean I didn't eat before for like 2 days which was pretty bad... I had to ask her because I heard she told my ex, kim, that I cheated on her with the girl that is wanting to take a break my "girlfriend" candice. Well I knew candice wouldn't do that, so I had to ask her about it and she seemed mad I keep trying to talk to her. So I pretty much promised myself I wouldn't talk to her from now on, and act like I'm not bothered, clingy, obsessed anything. I have never felt this about a girl before, and therefore I don't know how to deal with this feeling. I have felt heartbreak and I get over it. One of the things I prided myself in, but this... this is just different. I hope I'm doing the right thing and we'll see how it goes

[N0help4u]

If she got mad at you trying to clarify rumors then the rumors mean more to her than your feelings so all you can do is get over it WITHOUT her help. So quit seeking answers from her
It only causes her to dislike you more.

[masterchief1752]

Yeah that's what I figured. I'm not going to talk to her barely except for when I walk with her to class for 2 minutes a day... and I won't say naything. I sent her a message saying that I am not obsessed, just hearing rumors bring back insecurities. And I also told her that because we have talked for two days that we shouldn't, I would give her the two days of break added on. I have asked her a MILLION times if this is really what she wants, and I told her it would be easier to tell me she didn't like me and just let me move on. She said no I still love you, I still want to be with you forever, I just want a break and then we can start over. She tells me the truth about things, especially if I ask her a lot. The original day that we started really talking was May 23rd but now its May 25th. I just can't help but wait to see what that day will bring, because everyone has told me that I asked, to wait the 2 and a half weeks out and then make a decision. I just hope I'm making the right one. I think she's telling the truth because she sounds sincere, but I just don't want to be hurt. I told her I'm hanging out with girls and all that, and I will be fine. I just hope I'm making the right decisions and hope it will work out

[N0help4u]

The more you communicate with her the longer she will decide that the break has not started yet. You have to do No Contact or you are defeating yourself totally. If you keep talking to her she will see it as your being obsessed, your not taking no for an answer, your not taking her feelings serious, your only thinking of yourself and your obsession with her, etc...
Which will only justify in her mind that NO she does not want to be with you.

[masterchief1752]

Well I aksed her I want what you want and if you don't want to walk with me anymore I will understand and she said no I really do. I told her I'm moving out of the locker because my ex now goes up there after lunch and I don't want to see her, but I will be there after 1st like always and she said "promise"? Do you think I should just ignore her and maybe take a different route for a while, maybe showing up every now and then?

[N0help4u]

I think you are looking for excuses to keep contact with her and should make a clean break and do different route, ignore her, etc... I am sure when she sees a change not feeling like you are obsessed with her she knows where to find you if and when she cares enough to.
As long as you are there for her she is going to reject you.

[masterchief1752]

OK. I will just ignore her, not talk to her all of that. I just hope this works, she really seems like its what she wants,and I know she'd tell me if she didn't because she really cares about me. She says I am the only one she has thought about spending the rest of her life with and wants to enjoy being free for a while so I hope she's 150% honest about it all and after may 25th... I think ill do something special like get her flowers, etc. just sent them to her house or leave them in the locker. So she doesn't think I'm rushing it, but just to let her know I still care about her.