[christie may88]

My boyfriend is 44 and I am 28. We live together and have been together for almost a year. We had sex at the beginning but not often. I confront him and he gives a lot of excuses and indirect answers and reasons. I am frustrated and I find myself wondering what's wrong with me? I want an honest reason, Or just an explanation. I don't know how many other ways I can go about asking him with tact. Maybe someone else can help me see the situation from there shoes. Please help:confused: :confused:

[Fr_Chuck]

At 44 most likely he is starting to have some performance issues and it is causing him to worry and that makes it worst. But unles he will talk to you honestly about it, you will not know

[kp2171]

Please stop owning this yourself... the "whats wrong with me" comment is one that is expressed by a lot by women in your situation, but you need to stop making it about you. I know. There's no *poof* button to magically take away fears and anxiety.

There's a lot of things that can affect libido and sexual performance, including, as mentioned, age. The vascular system changes with age, sometimes making strong erections more difficult. Mental blocks can get in the way... even a desesitization over time that most experience to some degree... the idea that a bumpy ride on the school bus at 16 could produce steel piercing erections... but in later years, it might take more... add up all the little bits and pieces that can decrease libido and/or performance, and suddenly one day you might have a "problem"...

Among the things that can affect libido... lack of exercise, smoking, alcohol use, drug use, medications, high blood pressure, depression, stress, poor sleep, poor nutrition, performance anxiety and on and on... young men with libido and/or ED issues often respond well to therapy, as they often have mental blocks in place. Older men having issues can be more complex, since health issues can be more complex with aging.

Among the easiest fixes he can do is to live healthy... I find when I eat well, workout on a regular basis, get proper sleep, and reduce stress... my libido is much stronger, especially when I exercise regularly. The more balanced my life is outside the bedroom, the better it is inside the bedroom. Also, open communication with my partner keeps us on the same page... even if things don't work out perfectly, we both know that we both want to have a happy, healthy sex life.

My partner has been under a bunch of stress lately, lots of work and travel. Her libido has been dropped. But I know its from being exhausted. So I bide my time until she can regroup. But we talk about it without being accusing or fighting for the most part... if he's not willing to talk to you about this, its not the best sign. Doesn't mean it can't be worked through...

But id like to think I've gotten better as I've aged concerning the mental gymnastics you need to work through... so even if my body doesn't respond exactly as it did when I was 16, at least I know more about what I'm doing, and how to be a good lover for her and for myself.

So... all you can do is all you can do. Which means try to talk it out openly. I believe in giving a person the chance to do the right thing. If you talk to him and he doesn't show any concern or effort... then you must make a choice.

If you stay with someone who has a much lower sex drive and isn't interested in meeting you at least in the middle, then you don't get to complain. If you stay, you accept it. You choose it. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

And if you step back due to sexual incompatibility, you don't feel guilty. Again... no *poof* button to make you feel better, but sexual incompatibility early in a relationship can mean the worst is yet to come later on.

I'm in a healthy, though not "perfect", relationship... we have our stresses and distractions. It's a good marriage, but life gets in the way, we get in our own way. Kids make sex a real challenge. But here both sides are trying to make it work. It takes effort that is deliberate. It doesn't happen by accident. Have yet to be visited by the magic sex fairies who will make all well without my putting forward an effort.

So time to talk it out. You've tried this before, I know. But now its personal. You are talking about what is "wrong" with you. That's not a good place to be.

[Choux]

You stated that you two have *never* had sex often... his lack of desire is no surprise to you; I guess he figures you accepted him for the way he is and is uncomfortable with the questioning. He has a sexual problem he doesn't know how to deal with, is my opinion.

Kp gave you an excellent and informative run down of the myriad reasons that can effect a man's desire and ability to copulate.

I am of mixed feelings over this situation. Since you are not married, do you have the right to attempt to change him over a very personal matter that you knew about from the git go?? I just don't know... seems you can make one more attempt to find out why he doesn't want sex very often, and then, you have to let it go or move on to a new boyfriend.

Just my opinion,

[Handyman2007]

What was the initial attraction? It's a 16 year age difference so there must have been something. Hey, If I was lucky enough to have a 28 year old lady interested in me , I would do my damndest to try to satisfy her as much as possible. Is this relationship an ego trip for him? Ypou know, "Hey, look at me, I have a very young lady on my arm"? It could very well be. The only way to find out is to ask him and talk about it. If he doesn't want to open up then it may be time to move on.