[releaseme]

Hi guys, I’m a new poster here and my story might seem a bit long, but here goes. My ex and I met two years ago at work. When we met, she was married. By the way, we are both about 26 years old now. Anyway, she dated husband for 4 years and then moved to Texas (here) with him and was only married for a year and then they got a divorce because she said that he didn’t treat her right and wanted to go back to Oklahoma too often to visit with his friends.

She and I became best friends and I helped her through her divorce with no intention of hooking up with her. A few months passed after her divorce and as she dated other guys, she and I became closer and closer until one day I asked her out. We were so close then and I felt like she was my soul mate. Our chemistry was incredible. I did not plan to fall in love with her and I knew it was dangerous to date someone at work, but I had to go for it. We are very different people and come from different backgrounds, but I embraced these differences. I'm a social butterfly who loves to party in social settings and she is quiet and not happy being in social settings. She likes more one on one time. We went out for 4 months and things moved very quickly. We fell in love and it felt like she was rushing things very quickly. While I was trying to still hang with my friends and go to football games and party, she wanted me to make her a priority in my life. I didn’t do this much often, but I feel like she didn’t communicate enough that this is what she wanted. I was scared to love her and to base my whole life on her. After 3 months, she asked me to give up a part of my lifestyle (mary jane) for good. I was scared by this because I felt like she was trying to change me and should just love me for who I am, so I said I needed time to think about it. Meanwhile, there is some guy in her apt. complex who had been pursuing her. She would go to him and talk about OUR problems and while I was thinking about my decision, he kissed her. She told me and I was enraged, but she kept saying it was no big deal. I told her I would quit but needed a few months to do it less and less instead of going cold turkey. Basically, a month later she dumped me because I was not kissing her *** and giving her everything she wanted and being there for her every day. The day she dumped me, she started to see this other man (I did not know this).

The dumping happened six months ago. At first, I was glad we broke up and felt free but after a week I started to really miss her and convinced myself that she was the “one that got way”. This was my first love folks. During our post breakup, I had surgery and was out of work for a month and became more miserable and fixated on her. She continued to try and be my best friend and still talked to me. She was so nice to me. It seemed like she was just keeping me on the back burner in case this new relationship did not work out. I did not know that she was seeing someone else at all and tried to beg for her back. I based the previous five months on trying to win her back and she kept the hope alive by staying in touch with me, saying that she still had feelings for me and of course we always saw each at work because we work in the same office. I was slipping into a deep depression and didn’t realize it. I tried to play it cool, but missed her a lot over the holidays. I also enlisted the help of her best friend, who we also work with to try to get the secret scoop and she helped a lot because she wanted to see us get back together.

Two months ago, she broke up with her man and told me she was sorry and she loved me. We went on a couple of dates and I tried to play it ultra cool. Instead of wining and dining her, we just hung out as friends. This put her off and she was upset by it. It’s almost like she wanted me to jump from man to man like she always has done. In the end, her man begged and cried for her back. I mean, after a month of them going out, he pledged his life to her and already said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The whole time she was saying she would decide if she wanted me back, she was really choosing between two men and I did not know.

I have spent way too much time trying to win her back, over analyzing why she left and being stuck in this idea that that was the life for me. Why? Because she was beautiful and very career focused and I thinking it will be extremely difficult to find that again. I didn’t find out that she started to date him the day after she broke up with me until a few weeks ago and I was heart broken. She and I finally had a falling out the other day because I accused her of cheating on me, but she would admit to no such guilt and blamed the entire thing on me. The reason I think we broke up was she moved ultra fast and I was just learning was love was all about. Anyway, our falling out was bad. She told me to stay out of her personal life all together and to stop thinking about her because she was done with me. It was good to hear those things for closure, but it tore me a hold in my heart.

There is so much else I want to explain, but I guess at this point it doesn’t matter.

I could analyze this all day, but the fact of the present is this. I have gotten out of shape which is part of the reason I’m depressed, we still work in the same office so I can’t get enough space from her (I still have to look at her and hear her voice and it tears me up) Literally, every time I hear her voice I get so upset. I can’t convince myself to hate her or stop thinking about her because I have put her so high on a pedestal. My career is slipping through my fingers because I can’t concentrate at work. My energy levels are at an all time low. I can’t get sleep at night because thoughts of her pass through my head and can’t wake up in the morning. It’s like my bed is the only safe place for me where I won’t run into things that upset me. I’m stuck in a town where it is very hard to meet women my age. I am depressed, have low self confidence. I used to be very outgoing and fun, but she changed my whole world upside down and made me feel like the way I was living was wrong. I don’t enjoy life anymore for what it is and get stuck in negative downward spirals. For the past few months, I have read all kinds of web advice much like what Wildcat preaches from www.askmen.com and www.sosuave.com. I‘ve talked to many friends about but nothing seems to work because I can’t let go of the past. She made me look at life in a completely different way and want different things in a woman. I can only remember good times and how beautiful she was naked and how happy she made me. This was a classic case of me not knowng what I had until it was gone. I felt invincible because she said how much she loved me so I never thought she could break up with me. Guys, how do I move on, especially with this work thing? It has been six months since we broke up, yet I still reminisce about the good times and her like it was yesterday. I am disgusted with myself because I know that I am better than this, but this has all blown up in my face because I don’t know what I want to do for my career either. I am going to the doctor today to get recommended for a psychiatrist and hopefully that will help. I don’t enjoy my life anymore like I should. I need to figure out a way to stop regretting my decisions and let her go and close the book. I am really frustrated with myself and I’m watching myself do this to do myself, but I’m going through an emotional roller coaster…ups and downs. I want to put a peaceful closing on this and learn to be able to hear or see her name or be in the same room with her without wanting get upset about it. I know in my head that she is not the one for me because of what she did to me, but I can’t convince my heart that it’s true because she is the last woman that I have had such strong feelings for so I associate emotion and love with her and what I lost. I put so much trust onto her and she let me down. Any advice would be helpful guys. I’ve read other posts, but none seem to involve the working together angle.

I want to get through this and become the man I once was and move forward. I want to find love and happiness again.

[Fr_Chuck]

Often it is not possible to really move on, as long as both of you have daily, even weekly contact.

Or it you do it will take a lot longer than normal.

First don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you both were in "heat" if you were in love you would have had much more in common. And yes I will asssume she thought you wouold just change, and that your lifestyle was just because you did not have someone you loved and that you would stop this once you found someone special.

And the problem is, often one of you may have to change jobs,

[Wildcat21]

Stay away from her - period. End of story. Get to the Gym. Work you arse off at work. Date!!

Only time will fix this.

Learn from this.

A lot of divorced women need attention from a lot of guys and they need to sample a lot of guys to try and figure out what they want.

I really wouldn't date a divorced women going forward unless she is 4 or 5 years out of it - seriously.

After the first break you should not have been in contact what so ever.

Get off the hooch as well if you haven't - that will really screw with you - depression when not smoking it - it will take a full 28 days.

[fredg]

Hi,
Your heart tells you one thing, and your mind tells you another. I have been there... done that.
As another answer said, you might have to move to a different job. I do agree with about moving on with your life. There is a special person out there somewhere, just for you, and you, just for her. Getting over someone is difficult, but seeing them every day just sometimes makes it almost impossible!
I would look for another job, if that's possible. You might be able to get on with your life, by talking with other girls... not working where you do! Because, there is always "gossip" that you don't need. Maybe you can meet someone. In talking with others, listen to them. You can make more friends much faster by listening, than by talking about oneself. I do wish you the best of luck, and hang in there.

[jc105]

Work out, and date, and don't think about her.

Just know she is gone and she is not coming back. No matter what happens assuming she is gone forever is the best option. Deal with her as though she is just another person, not someone you were involved with.

Oh and a pretty career oriented woman is probably waiting for you at your next job. Hopefuly along with a bigger paycheck.

Move on and move out, it will be fun.

[s_cianci]

It sounds like the two of you had some attraction for each other but were basically incompatible. You've admitted it already ; you the outgoing partier and she the quiet, introspective type. For two people who are such diametric opposites to have a successful relationship is almost impossible. She obviously has a lot of desirable qualities and that's what you're no doubt pining for. You felt resentment at the thought of her trying to force you to change and justifiably so. You are who you are and she is who she is. Ultimately each of you have to find someone with whom you're truly compatible. Another word of advice is to stay off the "mary jane." That's no doubt contributing to your depression and personality change. Also keep your use of alcohol in check even though you're a self-described outgoing partier. Seeing a psychiatrist is not a bad idea. (S)he could probably prescribe you a safe, controlled-dose antidepressant to help you with your negative emotions and help you get back your "old self." These attempts at self-medication are no doubt part of what turned this girl off to you, especially if she is the driven, career-oriented person you describe her as. Someone who uses illegal drugs and /or alcohol excessively isn't going to be very attractive to someone like her. Ultimately she can't make you happy or lift you out of your depression. Right now you've got to work on yourself and not worry about her or anyone else. Focus now before you blow your career or something else of value in your life.

[Wildcat21]

Great advice s, Cianci - well done.

There are people out there for everyone. Women come in many different flavors. This gal and you are not compatible at this point in your life.

You would need to change - but, not for her - for yourself.

[Chery]

It sounds like the two of you had some attraction for each other but were basically incompatible. You've admitted it already ; you the outgoing partier and she the quiet, introspective type. For two people who are such diametric opposites to have a successful relationship is almost impossible. She obviously has a lot of desirable qualities and that's what you're no doubt pining for. You felt resentment at the thought of her trying to force you to change and justifiably so. You are who you are and she is who she is. Ultimately each of you have to find someone with whom you're truly compatible. Another word of advice is to stay off the "mary jane." That's no doubt contributing to your depression and personality change. Also keep your use of alcohol in check even though you're a self-described outgoing partier. Seeing a psychiatrist is not a bad idea. (S)he could probably prescribe you a safe, controlled-dose antidepressant to help you with your negative emotions and help you get back your "old self." These attempts at self-medication are no doubt part of what turned this girl off to you, especially if she is the driven, career-oriented person you describe her as. Someone who uses illegal drugs and /or alcohol excessively isn't going to be very attractive to someone like her. Ultimately she can't make you happy or lift you out of your depression. Right now you've got to work on yourself and not worry about her or anyone else. Focus now before you blow your career or something else of value in your life.

s_cianci said it all, dear. Just accept the fact that it's over, and you'll be able to get back to a professional working relationship - it will be hard at first, so go to therapy and get all the help you can. Get rid of mary jane because she increases your depression - I know this for a fact. Leave both 'women' out of your mind and body for as long as you can and eventually you'll not even notice when one is in the room.

Take it from us old folks who have been there, done that, and survived - despite how our emotional rollercoasters go, they eventually will stop, and that's what you need to reach for. So set yourself new goals, do projects at work to keep your mind off, and learn how to ignore her like you would a flock of birds flying around dropping crap all over the sidewalk and on cars - they are there, they are a fact, but we can ignore them - that's what you will eventually achieve. Until then, please keep healthy, and keep us posted. Also know that we are always here.

[releaseme]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I am going to get recommended to a therapist to talk it out. As far, as the mary jane thing, I want to stop but it makes me feel better and gives me a release from all of the pain and suffering, when I quit for a couple of months, my mind felt out of balanced and raced too much. Most of my friends do it too. This is sad, but I feel like the only way I can stop is if I replace it with another woman to focus on. I can’t sleep at night because my mind races on and on. It sucks because I have been trying to date women on myspace, but it doesn’t work out how I want it to. I’m too impatient and want things to happen quickly. I’m ready to have one woman and give her all of my love, but feel like it will take forever to build up to that. I used to not care about this stuff, but now that I have tasted love…I want it again. Are there any tips that you guys have to just forget about her. I constantly think about what we had and I loved the person that I was when I was with her. How do I stop regretting the decision to let it slip through my fingers?

Wildcat – you’re right, I should have stopped contact after the 1st break, but when we worked together and she wanted to remain best friends and told me she still cared for me, I let myself get played because I wanted her so badly.
S_cianci, I’m terribly afraid of anti-depressants because I don’t want to get hooked on them.
Chery-thank you for the advice. This rollercoaster ride sucks and I want to get off. Does it end?

The work thing is just killing me because I constantly have to see her. I have placed her so high on a pedestal, it’s like part of me can’t and won’t believe that she did this to me and I want to forgive her. I’m still not enjoying life and stuck in a rut. I’m stuck in the past, things were so great. How can one enjoy the present when it’s constantly compared to the past and feel like it doesn’t measure up?

Please send your advice, anyone.

[fredg]

Hi, releaseme,
One way to forget the past, or at least forget it to the point that it won't bother you is to do this:
Sit down, with a few blank pages of paper.
On one paper, start writing down (yes, actually writing down), things that you and she did together that you really liked; good things you did together.
Now, on another piece of paper, start writing down what you did not like about the relationship; bad things.
This will let you see, in black and white (or maybe blue and yellow legal pad? LOL), exactly what you are constantly thinking about.
This might take you a couple of hours, or maybe come back to it, and take a couple of days.
You will fine the "good" things you had together will be a much greater number of things than the "bad" things on the other paper(s).
Now, can you convince yourself that the "good" things you had with her can be had with another girl?? Be honest about this... can you do it again?
If you are completely honest with yourself, anything you had with this girl, you can have with any other girl (unless of course, it has to do with being a Professional Skier or something).
Now, look at the "bad" things paper(s). Do you want any of this to be happening again with someone else? These are things to look at, to decide what you don't want to do again, if possible.
If you are honest with all the above, you will see one very important thing:
There are girls out there who like doing what you like; she is not the only one.
I do wish you the best of luck, and remember; only you can change your future!
We do not want to completely close the door on the past; but we do want to move on, remembering the good.

[talaniman]

The next time you remember the good times you and your ex had play the whole tape and remember why she is your ex!:cool: :eek:

[releaseme]

Hey guys, things have gotten better I the past week. I skipped town to surround myself with new things this weekend. I am seeing a doctor this week and Im starting to think more positively. I still think about her, but most of the memories are sexual or the situation of having someone to exchange love with. Please keep the advice coming!

All the best

[fredg]

Hi,
CONGRATULATIONS!! You are making progress, just one day at a time!
That is wonderful.
"Exchanging love with" can be very different from truly being in love with someone. Just look at all the "call girls", or not to leave out anyone, "call men", too.
Best of luck. Yesterday is gone. We don't want to completely close the door on yesterday, but at least we can shut it enough, see what has happened, and move on.

[releaseme]

Hey guys,

Getting better day by day, but still have thoughts of her when I am alone. I think I miss the situation of having a girlfriend and only affixing those thoughts to her since she is what I associate that with.

I have tried to make eye contact with her, but don't feel strong enough yet. I've been working out and that has helped out big time, but having trouble finding girls to date. I want to get back to having a girlfriend and tired of being single... I know "join the club".

So are any of those internet dating sites worth it? Because I don't want to go out and get wasted to find a girl, you know. Kind of tired of that scene.

[jeffatl]

Your doing great bud, much better than I would working with my ex. Don't gauge your healing process by you thinking about her either. The truth is, I still think about my ex just about everyday, its normal. The growth part comes when the pain goes when you do think about her. My break up was about 7 months ago, so your right on track. Head up, things will be just fine.

[Wildcat21]

My friends and I have found the most down to earth gals are on Yahoo personals.

Shoot me a private message and I can give you STRONG advice on what to include, what not to include, how to get their phone numbers quickly in an e-mail.

[Chery]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I am going to get recommended to a therapist to talk it out. As far, as the mary jane thing, I want to stop but it makes me feel better and gives me a release from all of the pain and suffering, when I quit for a couple of months, my mind felt out of balanced and raced too much. Most of my friends do it too. This is sad, but I feel like the only way I can stop is if I replace it with another woman to focus on. I can't sleep at night because my mind races on and on. It sucks because I have been trying to date women on myspace, but it doesn't work out how I want it to. I'm too impatient and want things to happen quickly. I'm ready to have one woman and give her all of my love, but feel like it will take forever to build up to that. I used to not care about this stuff, but now that I have tasted love…I want it again. Are there any tips that you guys have to just forget about her. I constantly think about what we had and I loved the person that I was when I was with her. How do I stop regretting the decision to let it slip through my fingers?

Wildcat – you're right, I should have stopped contact after the 1st break, but when we worked together and she wanted to remain best friends and told me she still cared for me, I let myself get played b/c I wanted her so badly.
S_cianci, I'm terribly afraid of anti-depressants b/c I don't want to get hooked on them.
Chery-thank you for the advice. This rollercoaster ride sucks and I want to get off. Does it end?

The work thing is just killing me b/c I constantly have to see her. I have placed her so high on a pedestal, it's like part of me can't and won't believe that she did this to me and I want to forgive her. I'm still not enjoying life and stuck in a rut. I'm stuck in the past, things were so great. How can one enjoy the present when it's constantly compared to the past and feel like it doesn't measure up?

Please send your advice, anyone.

Hoping a little sunshine will find it's way to you soon.


From personal experience, the rollercoaster does not end, but you can slow it down a bit. I know what it's like to be lonely, and it hurts, and I too sometimes need something to calm my racing mind. But also from experience, you need time alone to figure yourself out. A therapist can help you understand why you race all the time, and also help you to get to know yourself better so that you'll be in control. You need to be comfortable with yourself, without a substitute for the need to have warmth from 'outside'. Outside here means mind-altering substances, and people. These you use only to distract yourself from something deep within you that wants to be suppressed and/or substituted.

I also tried many things in life that did not really work, and also made things worse, i.e. alcohol (am dry for 20 years now), m-j was also tried, and it worked for a while, but did not get to the 'root' of my problem. I also married too quick to stave that hunger, and wound up with the wrong person, as I did not really know what I was looking for, only thought I needed to be with 'somebody'. This was a big mistake as I looked for an abuser (subconsciously) to substitute for my mother (who was a witch) and abused me during my entire childhood.

The thing that did help me was a Therapist, and then a lot of reflecting back to the why's of my life, and then putting them in order.

Don't, again, don't look for someone to keep you busy and distracted. You need to control this before you can spend some prime time with quality with yourself and then share it with someone else, once you are on your feet.

This may sound text-book psychological, but it is our main problem in society today. As the world goes it's crazy way, we seek something to encapsule our space to make it a little more secure and emotionally warmer than what's outside. Sometimes that takes us on a rockier road than what we were looking for. So, please look at what you really want, get a therapist to help you find it, and yourself, and then get out there and learn to swim in that 'wavey water', no matter how high the waves.

I don't believe in Antidepressants either, and even though many doctors want to get you to use them, I'd rather do without also. So, I can't blame you for your convictions there.

Once you've 'tasted' love, it's hard to do without, but please don't be in a hurry to find it just anywhere. Set your goals, and then go for them. As long as you are confident in yourself, you'll be able to show that confidence to others and this will get you there to meet new people and a new girlfriend. Just don't stay at home mulling over what's gone, go out and be open to others, and above all, don't compare one girl to another - this is not good for her, or you. It's hard for us girls if you constantly do the 'comparing bit' with us, as we are each a unique individual and should be taken for what we are. You only want women to take you for who you are, so do them the same favor and you'll do just fine. We each have our own qualities and should be accepted as such, so be open for new experiences and joys.

Wishing you lots of luck, and please keep us posted. We are here for you, and hope you take advantage of us any time.


Don't despair and never give up on yourself.

[Depressed in MO]

Stay away from her - period. End of story. Get to the Gym. Work you arse off at work. Date!!!

Only time will fix this.

Learn from this.

A lot of divorced women need attention from a lot of guys and they need to sample a lot of guys to try and figure out what they want.

I really wouldn't date a divorced women going forward unless she is 4 or 5 years out of it - seriously.

After the first break you should not have been in contact what so ever.

Get off the hooch as well if you haven't - that will really screw with you - depression when not smoking it - it will take a full 28 days.

Work you arse off at work-I say this all the time-that's so funny Wildcat.