Work with ex-gf, need to move on
Hi guys, I’m a new poster here and my story might seem a bit long, but here goes. My ex and I met two years ago at work. When we met, she was married. By the way, we are both about 26 years old now. Anyway, she dated husband for 4 years and then moved to Texas (here) with him and was only married for a year and then they got a divorce because she said that he didn’t treat her right and wanted to go back to Oklahoma too often to visit with his friends.
She and I became best friends and I helped her through her divorce with no intention of hooking up with her. A few months passed after her divorce and as she dated other guys, she and I became closer and closer until one day I asked her out. We were so close then and I felt like she was my soul mate. Our chemistry was incredible. I did not plan to fall in love with her and I knew it was dangerous to date someone at work, but I had to go for it. We are very different people and come from different backgrounds, but I embraced these differences. I'm a social butterfly who loves to party in social settings and she is quiet and not happy being in social settings. She likes more one on one time. We went out for 4 months and things moved very quickly. We fell in love and it felt like she was rushing things very quickly. While I was trying to still hang with my friends and go to football games and party, she wanted me to make her a priority in my life. I didn’t do this much often, but I feel like she didn’t communicate enough that this is what she wanted. I was scared to love her and to base my whole life on her. After 3 months, she asked me to give up a part of my lifestyle (mary jane) for good. I was scared by this because I felt like she was trying to change me and should just love me for who I am, so I said I needed time to think about it. Meanwhile, there is some guy in her apt. complex who had been pursuing her. She would go to him and talk about OUR problems and while I was thinking about my decision, he kissed her. She told me and I was enraged, but she kept saying it was no big deal. I told her I would quit but needed a few months to do it less and less instead of going cold turkey. Basically, a month later she dumped me because I was not kissing her *** and giving her everything she wanted and being there for her every day. The day she dumped me, she started to see this other man (I did not know this).
The dumping happened six months ago. At first, I was glad we broke up and felt free but after a week I started to really miss her and convinced myself that she was the “one that got way”. This was my first love folks. During our post breakup, I had surgery and was out of work for a month and became more miserable and fixated on her. She continued to try and be my best friend and still talked to me. She was so nice to me. It seemed like she was just keeping me on the back burner in case this new relationship did not work out. I did not know that she was seeing someone else at all and tried to beg for her back. I based the previous five months on trying to win her back and she kept the hope alive by staying in touch with me, saying that she still had feelings for me and of course we always saw each at work because we work in the same office. I was slipping into a deep depression and didn’t realize it. I tried to play it cool, but missed her a lot over the holidays. I also enlisted the help of her best friend, who we also work with to try to get the secret scoop and she helped a lot because she wanted to see us get back together.
Two months ago, she broke up with her man and told me she was sorry and she loved me. We went on a couple of dates and I tried to play it ultra cool. Instead of wining and dining her, we just hung out as friends. This put her off and she was upset by it. It’s almost like she wanted me to jump from man to man like she always has done. In the end, her man begged and cried for her back. I mean, after a month of them going out, he pledged his life to her and already said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The whole time she was saying she would decide if she wanted me back, she was really choosing between two men and I did not know.
I have spent way too much time trying to win her back, over analyzing why she left and being stuck in this idea that that was the life for me. Why? Because she was beautiful and very career focused and I thinking it will be extremely difficult to find that again. I didn’t find out that she started to date him the day after she broke up with me until a few weeks ago and I was heart broken. She and I finally had a falling out the other day because I accused her of cheating on me, but she would admit to no such guilt and blamed the entire thing on me. The reason I think we broke up was she moved ultra fast and I was just learning was love was all about. Anyway, our falling out was bad. She told me to stay out of her personal life all together and to stop thinking about her because she was done with me. It was good to hear those things for closure, but it tore me a hold in my heart.
There is so much else I want to explain, but I guess at this point it doesn’t matter.
I could analyze this all day, but the fact of the present is this. I have gotten out of shape which is part of the reason I’m depressed, we still work in the same office so I can’t get enough space from her (I still have to look at her and hear her voice and it tears me up) Literally, every time I hear her voice I get so upset. I can’t convince myself to hate her or stop thinking about her because I have put her so high on a pedestal. My career is slipping through my fingers because I can’t concentrate at work. My energy levels are at an all time low. I can’t get sleep at night because thoughts of her pass through my head and can’t wake up in the morning. It’s like my bed is the only safe place for me where I won’t run into things that upset me. I’m stuck in a town where it is very hard to meet women my age. I am depressed, have low self confidence. I used to be very outgoing and fun, but she changed my whole world upside down and made me feel like the way I was living was wrong. I don’t enjoy life anymore for what it is and get stuck in negative downward spirals. For the past few months, I have read all kinds of web advice much like what Wildcat preaches from www.askmen.com and www.sosuave.com. I‘ve talked to many friends about but nothing seems to work because I can’t let go of the past. She made me look at life in a completely different way and want different things in a woman. I can only remember good times and how beautiful she was naked and how happy she made me. This was a classic case of me not knowng what I had until it was gone. I felt invincible because she said how much she loved me so I never thought she could break up with me. Guys, how do I move on, especially with this work thing? It has been six months since we broke up, yet I still reminisce about the good times and her like it was yesterday. I am disgusted with myself because I know that I am better than this, but this has all blown up in my face because I don’t know what I want to do for my career either. I am going to the doctor today to get recommended for a psychiatrist and hopefully that will help. I don’t enjoy my life anymore like I should. I need to figure out a way to stop regretting my decisions and let her go and close the book. I am really frustrated with myself and I’m watching myself do this to do myself, but I’m going through an emotional roller coaster…ups and downs. I want to put a peaceful closing on this and learn to be able to hear or see her name or be in the same room with her without wanting get upset about it. I know in my head that she is not the one for me because of what she did to me, but I can’t convince my heart that it’s true because she is the last woman that I have had such strong feelings for so I associate emotion and love with her and what I lost. I put so much trust onto her and she let me down. Any advice would be helpful guys. I’ve read other posts, but none seem to involve the working together angle.
I want to get through this and become the man I once was and move forward. I want to find love and happiness again.