[SadMom77]

I am a 57 year old single Mom. I had my son at 38-1/2 and his father abandoned me while pregnant. He acted as if he had lung cancer so I thought he died when I did not hear from him. My son has always been defiant. I've taken him to therapists since he was 7 but he was always so intelligent that he would present as a very together boy and I always looked out of control.

Eventually I did lose control and had a total breakdown in 2006. While my son was always abusive, his cruel behavior worsened when I became ill.

Now I was just not an awful mom who should never have had children but ugly, a slut (his father was my last relationship, a "b...", but also crazy. I should explain that my breakdown was a result of cumulative stress and childhood trauma and my diagnoses were major depression, ptsd, dissociative disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder. I lost total control of my thinking and bodily functions.

I received treatment and finally returned to work only to get laid off again.

My son has been abusive for years. I find myself hiding in my bedroom because he is such a bully. He is 19 and I've told him to leave but he says he will not leave until he completes his MBA (he is only a freshman and dropped all classes but one). He works part time and makes good money but does not pay anything although I'm running through my retirement.

Today is his birthday. He wanted money. He said yesterday that he wanted to have his celebration with grandma and me right away to "get it over with". We are his only family and he hates us for this. I said OK and ran out and got the food and cake (no time to cook because of his demand). I gave him a check for $500.00. He was mean all day.

Today he was called into work. He became irate as he had requested the day off. He called me and said he was just going to leave work. I told him that could be considered job abandonment and he could be terminated. He went into a rage. He wants to take Accutane and I'm supposed to sign for it as I'm the one paying for the insurance (COBRA--you know how expensive that is). In order to take Accutane the person is not to have any emotional problems. My son is always having rages at me so I told him I'm not going to tell the doctor he does not have emotional problems because his rages make him seem mentally unstable.

Well, then he totally blew. He spewed again his hatred for me; how I'm the worst mom in the world; how I should never have had a child; how I should not have slept with his dad (we lived together); how I was a loser with no job; how I was ugly; how I was crazy.

I locked the door for fear of him (he had previously injured my shoulders). He slid the check for $500 under the door and told me to "shove it up my a..". He kept yelling. I called my Mom (she is 84) to come over so I could safely get into my bedroom. She came over and his behavior continued. He wanted me to apologize for calling him mentally unstable. I finally apologized to quiet him down but I don't feel sorry.

And, worse is that I cannot forgive him anymore. He is a classically abusive person to me and he is such a sweetie to everyone else in the world. I want him to move so much but I can't get him to budge. He is now angry because he tore up the check. I know he wants me to write another check but it is not in my heart.

The irony is that I have always adored my son. Because I always had to work I never had another relationship with a man because I felt I never had enough time with him.

What should I do? Should I still give him a birthday check? Should I force him to leave home. I'm so tired of his tearing down my self-esteem. I'm trying to job hunt again and feel old, ugly and tired. I have always literally adored my son but now all I long for is peace.

I would love your opinions. Thank you so much.

[starbuck8]

Oh my goodness sweetheart! Your question made me feel so terribly bad for you and your situation! It sounds like you have been through an awful lot of things in your life!

I realise you adore you son, and feel like it is your job to make sure he is taken care of, but he is grown now, and treating you horribly! He is not showing any respect towards you OR his elderly grandmother. The both of you could be very seriously hurt! DO NOT sign his prescription for him, and DO NOT give him anymore money! What he is doing to you and your mother is flat out abusive!

I don't mean this in a harsh way, but you are teaching him how to treat you. The longer you enable him, the longer his abusive behaviour will continue. It can ONLY get worse from this point. You said he has already hurt your shoulders... please don't wait until he does something worse to you, or your mother who I'm sure can't defend herself against him. He could cause irreperable damage, or worse!

You need to call the police next time he gets into a rage like this! I actually think you should do it BEFORE his next tantrum (I'm using that word in the mild sense). Don't think of it as being "mean or cruel" to him. Think of it as being a loving and caring Mother, who doesn't want her son to be this way. You will be helping him... not hurting him!

Please don't think of yourself as an awful mother. You are obviously a loving mother, to come and ask for some help! Also, PLEASE don't refer to yourself as ugly, or a slut! God made beautiful people, and you are one of them!! :) It sounds like you have had a very hard time of things, and you developed a lot depression among the other things you mentioned because of it.

It sounds to me like you are trying your best. Please try and remember that you are doing the best you can with what you have, and don't let other people bring you down and take you over with their control.

I'm going to link a song for you to listen to okay? Just listen to the words and know that there are people that care! ;)

YouTube - You've Got A Friend---carole King,Celine,Gloria,Shania

[justcurious55]

Do not ever give him another dime! He doesn't deserve it, whether its his birthday. Being his mother does not mean you are obligated to be his doormat. And yes, do whatever you have to to get him out of your home! Your home should be a safe, healthy environment for you. It sounds like you have a lot of your own issues you're dealing with, you don't need his thrown into the mix. I hope everything works out for you :)

[Fr_Chuck]

Run out and get him a cake, gave him 500 dollars, I am sorry you are merely playing into his demands,

Give him official notice to move, and if he does not, file in houseing court for an eviction. That is the legal way to move him out of the house.

[SadMom77]

starbuck8, justcurious55 and Fr_Chuck I want to thank you for responding. This morning, after not sleeping all night, I was first going to write out a check and then the adult part of me said "no"---enough. I agree with all of you. The only thing is that I do have a problem kicking him out of the house. I was kicked out directly after high school and while I learned survival skills my son is much more immature. I just can't do it.

I thought about how he said I am an awful Mom. I've always worked hard and literally adored him. So, I've been bad because of my past because I have overprotected him.
And, because I'm a natural giver, and we have no family, I've been awful because I've spoiled him.

I'm so glad you all answered me as I will now NOT write out that check.

[SadMom77]

Starbuck8--I listened to the song and it was beautiful. Thank you very much.

[cleanfun]

SadMom, now I'm sad too! Starbuck hit the nail on the head.

Something to think about; my mom had really mean & abusive parents. Her and her siblings moved out willingly when they were like 14 and worked their rears off to stay out.

You, being the kind & gentle & enabling mother that you are, have the opposite affect on him. If you don't SLAM your foot down now, this will continue long after he has his MBA. Until the day you die.

Unfortunately, and I hate to say this, but a lot of this is your fault. The worse he feels about himself, the worse he's going to treat you, the worse he's going to feel about himself... Stop pampering him and let him go be a man by making him do so.

He needs to be kicked out, promptly. Not as a revenge for you but so he can make his own way as a man. Cut him off all aid completely. No money, no food, no assistance with rent, NOTHING, but advice, and only if he asks for it. You don't have to be mean about it but you have to be serious and firm/resolute.

You're doing him an injustice as long as you cater to him. He'll throw his fits too so be ready for them. That's what spoiled children do. But once the fits have passed you'll have a little angel on your hands again. One you're proud of and one who's proud of you.

Cheer up SadMom! This isn't unheard of. It's quite common in fact. And it will pass as long as you stick to your guns.

[squeaks77]

Wow. Wait until he leaves, have a locksmith come over and change the locks and have a police person there when he shows up and rages at you. You need to kick the devilspawn out.

[SadMom77]

I agree that I should not do anything for him--not cook, buy him food, etc. but I just have such a problem kicking him out. I realize I am at fault for my over protecting and my spoiling him. I believe I can stop both but I don't know how to psyche myself up to kick him out.

[starbuck8]

Wow. Wait until he leaves, have a locksmith come over and change the locks and have a police person there when he shows up and rages at you. You need to kick the devilspawn out.

There was no need to call him a devilspawn!

[SillyGirl10]

I am a 57 year old single Mom. I had my son at 38-1/2 and his father abandoned me while pregnant. He acted as if he had lung cancer so I thought he died when I did not hear from him. My son has always been defiant. I've taken him to therapists since he was 7 but he was always so intelligent that he would present as a very together boy and I always looked out of control.

Eventually I did lose control and had a total breakdown in 2006. While my son was always abusive, his cruel behavior worsened when I became ill.

Now I was just not an awful mom who should never have had children but ugly, a slut (his father was my last relationship, a "b...", but also crazy. I should explain that my breakdown was a result of cumulative stress and childhood trauma and my diagnoses were major depression, ptsd, dissociative disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder. I lost total control of my thinking and bodily functions.

I received treatment and finally returned to work only to get laid off again.

My son has been abusive for years. I find myself hiding in my bedroom because he is such a bully. He is 19 and I've told him to leave but he says he will not leave until he completes his MBA (he is only a freshman and dropped all classes but one). He works part time and makes good money but does not pay anything although I'm running through my retirement.

Today is his birthday. He wanted money. He said yesterday that he wanted to have his celebration with grandma and me right away to "get it over with". We are his only family and he hates us for this. I said OK and ran out and got the food and cake (no time to cook because of his demand). I gave him a check for $500.00. He was mean all day.

Today he was called into work. He became irate as he had requested the day off. He called me and said he was just going to leave work. I told him that could be considered job abandonment and he could be terminated. He went into a rage. He wants to take Accutane and I'm supposed to sign for it as I'm the one paying for the insurance (COBRA--you know how expensive that is). In order to take Accutane the person is not to have any emotional problems. My son is always having rages at me so I told him I'm not going to tell the doctor he does not have emotional problems because his rages make him seem mentally unstable.

Well, then he totally blew. He spewed again his hatred for me; how I'm the worst mom in the world; how I should never have had a child; how I should not have slept with his dad (we lived together); how I was a loser with no job; how I was ugly; how I was crazy.

I locked the door for fear of him (he had previously injured my shoulders). He slid the check for $500 under the door and told me to "shove it up my a..". He kept yelling. I called my Mom (she is 84) to come over so I could safely get into my bedroom. She came over and his behavior continued. He wanted me to apologize for calling him mentally unstable. I finally apologized to quiet him down but I don't feel sorry.

And, worse is that I cannot forgive him anymore. He is a classically abusive person to me and he is such a sweetie to everyone else in the world. I want him to move so much but I can't get him to budge. He is now angry because he tore up the check. I know he wants me to write another check but it is not in my heart.

The irony is that I have always adored my son. Because I always had to work I never had another relationship with a man because I felt I never had enough time with him.

What should I do? Should I still give him a birthday check? Should I force him to leave home. I'm so tired of his tearing down my self-esteem. I'm trying to job hunt again and feel old, ugly and tired. I have always literally adored my son but now all I long for is peace.

I would love your opinions. Thank you so much.

Hello My heart goes out to you I really don't have any experience in this type of problems but I can always give my thought.
You have to be strong and be ready, first talk to him tell him how you feel if talking doesn't work write him a letter. Your only going to say this once and if he doesn't get he's act together then he is out the house. You have to be the strongest and tuffest mom ever!
He is going to be like what ever and get mad and if he does get abusive then have your mom call the police and press charges. Tell him he is not allowed in your house. Hi's belongies will be out side the door waiting for him. And pray to god that he will realize that there's no one out there like you.

[starbuck8]

Hello My heart goes out to you I really don't have any experience in this type of problems but I can always give my thought.
You have to be strong and be ready, first talk to him tell him how you feel if talking doesn't work write him a letter. Your only going to say this once and if he doesn't get he's act together then he is out the house. You have to be the strongest and tuffest mom ever!!
He is going to be like what ever and get mad and if he does get abusive then have your mom call the police and press charges. Tell him he is not allowed in your house. Hi's belongies will be out side the door waiting for him. And pray to god that he will realize that there's no one out there like you.

I agree completely. Your son needs to know that you are no longer going to put up with physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. I know you don't want to kick him out on the streets, but if he is smart enough to be going to school to get his MBA, he is smart enough to figure out how to take care of himself too.

I think writing him a note is a good thing. That way you will be able to tell him exactly what you want to say without getting off track, or interupted by him. Tell him that you love him, and it's because you love him that you have packed his bags. Tell him that you are his MOTHER, and that you have taken care of him until now, and now it's time he learned to take care of himself.

I'm sure he won't be too happy about all of this, but I would set the note on his suitcases, and tell him that he has not been respectful to you or your mother, and you are no longer willing to put up with his condecending and abusive behaviour.

Also tell him that if he doesn't leave willingly, then you will be forced to call the police to have him removed.

[SillyGirl10]

My heart goes out to you. I think you need to give him one more chance and tell him how you really feel and if talking doesn't work write him a letter. At the end of the letter tell him if he doesn't get hi's act together he needs to leave the house. As much as you love him you have to kick him out. If there's any violence please call the police and have the police take him and press charges, so he knows you’re not taking he's Sh... anymore.
Let your son know and the police know that he is not allowed in your house. He needs to learn he's lesson. Has he ever been to jail? You need to be really strong! I hope I give you some straight to kick him out. You shouldn't get treated that way. God Bless you.

[squeaks77]

Also tell him that if he doesn't leave willingly, then you will be forced to call the police to have him removed.

Yeah cause that's worked so well for her in the past. Change the locks and have the police there when he comes home. He might hate you now, but be a better man for it.

[SadMom77]

Thanks, Starbucks8. I don't think he is devilspawn either. I believe he is socially delayed and this is combined with the fact that he is gifted. And, as I said, I over protected him, thinking this is what a good mother does. And, I spoiled him because other than my Mom, we have no more family and he always goes into depressions around holidays and his birthday. This is because he feels so alone. This is what always made me want to spoil him, thinking I was making up for everything he did not have.

The most embarrassing part is that I'm a rehab counselor and many years ago counseled battered women-----so I know better. I've known his behavior has been abusive for a long time. I just was afraid if he was in juvenile hall he might be molested because he is good looking and although very strong, never knew how to fight. Now that he is 19 he is not afraid of anyone because he realizes he is strong but when he was little, if someone picked on him he did not know how to handle it. I took him to martial arts but it didn't help his confidence.

But I will begin with these steps and hope I can share if I wimp out.

Thank you again, Marsha

[starbuck8]

Hi Marsha,

If you start to feel like you're wimping out, you can always share your feelings here. I know from experience that there is no black and white to any situation like this. He is your child, and of course you want what's best for him! I do understand that it must be very hard for you to just throw him out onto the street. But you need to do it. Not only for the safety of you and your mother, but for his own good.

I really hope you can bite your bottom lip, and tell him that you will just not let him treat you the way he has been, and he just has to go until he learns how to respect his mother and his grandmother. The only two people that will be there for him once he learns what it's like in the real world, when he has to survive on his own.

Take care of yourself first Marsha! You have to, and I know that you realise that. ;)

[SadMom77]

What if he has no money saved?

[SadMom77]

Thanks Silly Girl. I am starting to wimp out. For hours he has been going on about how it hurts that we have relatives, including his father, who will not have anything to do with us. He doesn't understand that I cannot force anyone to behave a certain way; that some people don't have much character or soul.

I'm now feeling sorry for him. He wants that $500 check back. I keep telling me that it is time for him to truly understand the consequences of his behavior and I will not give him that check back.

He has harped on me.

I called the police-their office. They told me to go to the closest courthouse and complete and eviction form and they will do the rest.

I'll do that tomorrow.

Thanks for the support.

[starbuck8]

Thanks Silly Girl. I am starting to wimp out. For hours he has been going on about how it hurts that we have relatives, including his father, who will not have anything to do with us. He doesn't understand that I cannot force anyone to behave a certain way; that some people don't have much character or soul.

I'm now feeling sorry for him. He wants that $500 check back. I keep telling me that it is time for him to truly understand the consequences of his behavior and I will not give him that check back.

He has harped on me.

I called the police-their office. They told me to go to the closest courthouse and complete and eviction form and they will do the rest.

I'll do that tomorrow.

Thanks for the support.

I'm so sorry that you have to go to this extent, but you really do need to stick to your guns with this! Maybe when he sees that you are not kidding around anymore, he will get the wake up call he needs!

Get the order, and show him that you are absolutely serious! That will be the best thing for him. Tell him that this time you ARE NOT going to back down, and if he wants a 500 cheque he can damn well go work for it... just like you did.

[Sammii]

Hey hun, wow, that's a pretty tough situation, I can understand that you wouldn't want to kick him out because you have that love for him as a mother, but you do need to put your foot down and just tell him that is enough!!

Tell him if he doesn't pay his up keep, or if he can find it cheaper elsewhere, then tell him there's the door, if you ever need anymore help PM me, ill be happy to have a chat with you!