How do I get my abusive son to leave home?
I am a 57 year old single Mom. I had my son at 38-1/2 and his father abandoned me while pregnant. He acted as if he had lung cancer so I thought he died when I did not hear from him. My son has always been defiant. I've taken him to therapists since he was 7 but he was always so intelligent that he would present as a very together boy and I always looked out of control.
Eventually I did lose control and had a total breakdown in 2006. While my son was always abusive, his cruel behavior worsened when I became ill.
Now I was just not an awful mom who should never have had children but ugly, a slut (his father was my last relationship, a "b...", but also crazy. I should explain that my breakdown was a result of cumulative stress and childhood trauma and my diagnoses were major depression, ptsd, dissociative disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder. I lost total control of my thinking and bodily functions.
I received treatment and finally returned to work only to get laid off again.
My son has been abusive for years. I find myself hiding in my bedroom because he is such a bully. He is 19 and I've told him to leave but he says he will not leave until he completes his MBA (he is only a freshman and dropped all classes but one). He works part time and makes good money but does not pay anything although I'm running through my retirement.
Today is his birthday. He wanted money. He said yesterday that he wanted to have his celebration with grandma and me right away to "get it over with". We are his only family and he hates us for this. I said OK and ran out and got the food and cake (no time to cook because of his demand). I gave him a check for $500.00. He was mean all day.
Today he was called into work. He became irate as he had requested the day off. He called me and said he was just going to leave work. I told him that could be considered job abandonment and he could be terminated. He went into a rage. He wants to take Accutane and I'm supposed to sign for it as I'm the one paying for the insurance (COBRA--you know how expensive that is). In order to take Accutane the person is not to have any emotional problems. My son is always having rages at me so I told him I'm not going to tell the doctor he does not have emotional problems because his rages make him seem mentally unstable.
Well, then he totally blew. He spewed again his hatred for me; how I'm the worst mom in the world; how I should never have had a child; how I should not have slept with his dad (we lived together); how I was a loser with no job; how I was ugly; how I was crazy.
I locked the door for fear of him (he had previously injured my shoulders). He slid the check for $500 under the door and told me to "shove it up my a..". He kept yelling. I called my Mom (she is 84) to come over so I could safely get into my bedroom. She came over and his behavior continued. He wanted me to apologize for calling him mentally unstable. I finally apologized to quiet him down but I don't feel sorry.
And, worse is that I cannot forgive him anymore. He is a classically abusive person to me and he is such a sweetie to everyone else in the world. I want him to move so much but I can't get him to budge. He is now angry because he tore up the check. I know he wants me to write another check but it is not in my heart.
The irony is that I have always adored my son. Because I always had to work I never had another relationship with a man because I felt I never had enough time with him.
What should I do? Should I still give him a birthday check? Should I force him to leave home. I'm so tired of his tearing down my self-esteem. I'm trying to job hunt again and feel old, ugly and tired. I have always literally adored my son but now all I long for is peace.
I would love your opinions. Thank you so much.
