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Fiancée cheated and left me after 7.5 years to be in a relationship with the other guy! She moved away and left me but I can't seem to get my act together! Been 3 months now and I'd do anything to have her back but she acts like we never happened! I'm in shock because it was so unexpected! Where do we go from here?
"We" don't go anywhere from here. It's over. Get busy with social activities, home projects, hobbies, reading books, volunteering (yay!) and finding yourself again.
Sorry, when I see "we", I mean "me"! That was a quick reply though thanks!
***say! God I'm doing well here ain't I? Lol
You're a good writer. Join a writers' group at a library or somewhere in your area. Or start one. (Everyone thinks he has a book in him, and wants to be a writer.)Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Or join a book discussion group (for men) -- or start one -- business or self-help books --meet at the local pub once a week.
Volunteer your leisure time at a hospital or nursing home or library or animal shelter (shelter dogs give unconditional love).
Join a men's chorus or dart league or gym or cooking class. Take courses at your local uni or college -- learn to paint with oils or how to build something or study astronomy.
The world is now your oyster. Use this time to become a more interesting and exciting person than you were before.
Your glass isn't nearly empty, but is filling up now and will overflow with goodness and happiness.
There are some awesome ideas in there wondergirl... But when I come to write my autobiography, I want to be writing about her as the love of my life in the final chapter! There is a lot more to the story than what I have posted, this is just a brief summary. The important point though is that I want her back! I'm through chasing and am trying other things to keep busy, but she is all that is on my mind! I'm 8 days n/c after some awkward exchanges. I know you are looking at moving forward but really I just want her to realise that I'm a good, decent, honest, loving, caring guy that didn't deserve all this and really deserves another chance for us to be happy together! I've made all the usual mistakes and the situation looks grim but I can't give up - our future was going to be amazing together and I cannot get my head around it!
1) Count your blessings that she is no longer in your life;
2) As one of my favorites WONDERGIRL suggests - get other activities going in your life.
3) Stop living in the past and look forward to the future. You know when someone closes a door in your face, kick open a new door.
You are in control of this and you are in control of your future.
If she doesn't now (it sounds like her mind is elsewhere right now), she will someday. Even I can feel your sweetness and goodness through the magic of Internet.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Maybe she will come back, but more likely she won't. Meanwhile, you can't just sit there spinning around in circles and waiting on her. No matter what happens with her, follow my advice -- you will be the better for it. And like dear Oliver says, the choice is yours.
(If you start a writing group or book discussion group, ask me if you need help. I'm a retired librarian and know stuff.)
Thanks - 1.) the end of my life as I knew it is not a blessing - although I know what you are getting at - it could have been worse. 2.) I have new goals and activities and even a few new friends - I also have the support of mutual friends that can't believe she has done this - it doesn't change how I feel and how much I think about her and live her, despite what she has done! 3.) I know I'm in control of me and I'm working so hard on me to try and get stronger and I will never be in this position EVER again! But it all feels so unjust and surreal - is it possible just to forget as though it never happened?
Thanks so much wonder! It's not something I am really into although I have been writing a very detailed diary for the past 2 months! Your kind words are very welcome... I just sincerely wish she would remember those feelings soon! I know it is unlikely she will come back now though :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
You have suffered a loss, a kind of death. Grieve for her, mourn her "passing." Remember the good times and when she was at her best. Plant a bush or tree in her honor and as a tribute to the many years you were together. Keep a special notebook or Word file of your memories and how you feel about things as the days go on. Put the best construction on this and pray for her happiness.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Never say never. But now you are going to develop the tools to help you heal.Quote:
3.) I know I'm in control of me and I'm working so hard on me to try and get stronger and I will never be in this position EVER again!
Nope. You will never forget her. I remember my first kiss at age 15 at 1:30 a.m. on July 17, 1961. He and I went together for almost six years, but I was not allowed to marry him. I have never forgotten him -- and that first kiss.Quote:
is it possible just to forget as though it never happened?
You are 8 days into NC. Every day will bring you closer to getting through this life changing event of being betrayed and discarded. Healing is a process that takes it own time. Maybe you can think of nothing now to stay busy with, but family and friends may help a lot. Just to get you through until you do find better ways to be busy, and can best decide how you want to build a life to make yourself happy with friends and activities that you enjoy.
She doesn't have to be the last or best chapter in your bio. You have many yet to be written.
Betrayed and discarded! Shocking to think that someone so close to you for so long could do that! I have heard through the grapevine that she feels low and guilty, and I know she has been deeply depressed, but I know I've made some progress because I no longer want to throw myself under a bus just to try and make her feel better, I know she hasn't felt a fraction of the hurt she has caused me! But she was an amazing girl before all this and it just does not compute that she thinks she has left me for greener pastures (not saying I am perfect and I know from 3 months of reflection where I've been at fault) but nothing deserved this! I like the straight answers I'm getting here! Thanks so much. What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?
"What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?"Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
What is the point of us or you figuring out that answer? Do you really want someone in your life who treats you the way she has? Turn the corner and move on.
I tell this all the time so some people are probably tired of hearing it. But a few years ago my mom died, my dad died 2 months later, I got divorced and lost the job that I loved. It was all in a 3 or 4 month span. Now I am usually a more positive person than you would ever want to meet, but even that was difficult on me. So I got a new job and ended up meeting the love of my life. That wouldn't have happened had I not gone through change.
Change is not a bad thing as long as you don't allow yourself to be stuck. Let life happen and smile. Learn to appreciate the little things. We have all been through tough times and we have all survived.
Fair point mate - just don't want to slam the door shut on the best thing that's ever happened to me... I know it's the ultimate betrayal but I think we all make mistakes and everyone deserves another chance. But yet it's still me doing the chasing - that's why I'm trying to figure that question out my friend - and I know I may not like the answer! Thank you for your point though - you have all picked me up from a bit of a low day with your honest responses so thank you!
She is the one who slammed the door! You just have to accept it, and leave it closed, and open a better one.
After 7 1/2 years, why was she still the fiancé, and not your wife?
Could it be that you haven't stopped long enough to really start to process the possible reasons she left you?
It is hard to believe that you have not yet understood, or at least stated, what the problems were that caused the end of the relationship. I'm not saying you caused her to run off with another man, but something, somewhere along the line, went terribly wrong.
Any ideas what that might be?
I'm 27, she is 26. The idea was to move in together and get married and live happily ever after. Shortly after we moved in she wanted to give up work to go back to uni - I agreed to support her in her decision and so that kind of put our lives on hold - we couldn't really afford a wedding, but we lived together and struggled on for 4 years. Her father died 2 years ago and she has struggled with depression since - but for my part, communicating, being affectionate, attentive to her needs, and being more spontaneous are all things I've let myself down in - and not really taking care of myself so she has probably lost attraction - but these are all things I've worked hard on the past 3 months. That's as honest as I can be jake, she'd be my wife by this September had everything gone to plan - she even has her dress but is trying to sell it cheap online! :(
It's good to see that you are trying hard with your own shortcomings, that may (or may not have) contributed to the breakup. Everything you are doing for yourself now, will see you a stronger man and partner for the future, and the next relationship.
Sometimes there is nothing you can pinpoint to and say, 'because I did this, or didn't do that, she left me'. Maybe many little things got between you that were eventually too much to work through. We would all have more successful relationships too if we could read each other's minds, and tune in when we should.
But, you must feel betrayed that she didn't stay to work on her problems with you, but found another man, and is now with him. She was testing the waters long before you knew, most likely, and you certainly cannot be blamed for her actions.
I get the impression there was little you wouldn't have done, given the chance, to save the relationship.
But what can you do. And what happens when/if she loses interest in her new boyfriend, and realizes that you weren't so bad after all. Will you take her back?
I hope that if you consider doing that, that you'll stop in here too for a little advice on how to wade through those difficult waters, should it happen.
In the meanwhile, as cliché as it sounds, time is a healer. Allow yourself the luxury of time in sorting this all out. I would say that she has already moved on.
Maybe this will end up being a blessing in disguise.
Thanks jake - I should also add that I have given her far too much space and been too passive - and dependent on her love! I only realised this in hindsight! I would do anything and as much as I know there's a lot to sort out before we can think about wedding bells again (if that ever were to happen!) I know I'd take her back in a heartbeat. This may also sound cliché, but the person she has become is not the real her! Again, there's a bit more to the story but the main points are all here and the extra details is probably me clinging to false hope - people change, don't they?
Holy , seeing this thread is like looking into a mirror. My relationship wasn't nearly as serious as yours (marriage, length), but I felt I knew a girl better than anyone else and then bam she was 'over it' the next day and on to the next one. Hurts like hell, don't it? We can't make them love us, no matter how much we love and care for them. I've gone from fighting for her through long talks, to giving her space, to talking with whoever would listen, and none of those things will make HER feel any differently about YOU unless she wants to.
We cannot put our lives on hold for these women and have to hope that a) we either realize this is best for us, because if this was happening to a friend we no doubt would tell them that and that long term they shouldn't be with someone who would disregard them in a manner or b) hope that when they come back, they are genuine, we are forgiving and we can start something new. My time with my ex and your 7.5 years with yours don't mean anything now after what has happened and in the manner it has happened. We have to live in the moment and plan for the future. Any reconciliation from these events would basically require a relationship starting over in terms of trust as far as I can tell right now, and that's important to remember that things just won't magically go back to the way they were. We're stuck in the past man, because it feels better to know our ladies during that time instead of the living breathing reality of RIGHT NOW
You are absolutely right about that ^ however (and this may sound contradictory) if I met her now for the first time, I'd avoid her! She is a completely different person and, compared to the person I knew her to be... I'd say she's living a lie and that's why I am asking if it is a phase? I know waiting and wallowing isn't doing much good, and I'm doing all I can to improve individually, but I'm in no hurry to move on and find someone new - right now it would do more harm than good, and I'm still not able to give up on it (which is only prolonging my agony!) but I have managed to disengage more and feel myself getting better!
You can move on without looking for someone new, AND be happy. Being alone without being lonely is a trick in itself but you don't have to be isolated and alone, because you make friends and have activities, hobbies, work, and ambitions to pursue. When you are ready options and opportunities for romance and just dating will present themselves.
You were in a relationship 7 years, so of course it takes time to adjust to NOT being in one. You have to build a new comfort zone for yourself.
Well there is an old saying that says if you dig your hole you have to clumb out of it. She has treated you and the relationship badly and there would be no way I would hang around for what is next. But that is me and this is your decision.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Yes, people can change, in answer to your question.
Many couples survive the worst odds, but not usually without a lot of shared pain and heartache. Losing a child, a fatal illness, job loss, etc. Life throws a lot of curveballs and the strength of a solid partner can make all the difference.
You alluded to some underlying 'cause' of the drastic change in your partner. It would be helpful to know what that was/is. There are some things that can indeed change a person and their personality. Alcohol is one, medications, head injury, etc.
IF there is a cause, or something you can pinpoint to say that the change happened when 'this' or 'that' happened, it would be helpful to better understand.
Failing that, my advice is to leave her be and not contact her. She may be counting on a lifeline to you, making her life easier, and yours a confusing nightmare.
Hi Jake, yes, a combination of medication, illness, some alcohol abuse, and a complete change in character and personality which was spotted by a lot of people before me! (I guess I was just too close to see it but I'm annoyed with myself for not seeing the signs sooner and acting on them to help us!) I also agree that being alone and not being lonely is key! I was fine on my own when I knew she was coming home, now I want to be anywhere but at home alone! Still, I'm getting a wee bit better at that by talking more on here! However, I also still talk a lot with mutual friends and I still see her mother a lot and talk to her a lot - and I always seem to find some validation in what they are saying that she is going through some kind of life stage (like GIGS if anyone has read that - I have my own thoughts on that though!) As far as I know, neither of us are happy but she is choosing to deny and discard me and our time together and seems to be more unhappy now than ever before? I just don't get it but I'm resigned to the fact that she won't have the answers that I need (or want) at this stage, and a lot of them will have to go unanswered... for now at least!
I don't know what GIGS is.
I'm happy that her family is also concerned, and happy also that you have people to talk to. One day at a time. It's painful though, I know.
When a personal crisis happens, sometimes, a person will shoot off in a direction that will seem (at the time) to eliminate the problems. One of the things about depression is that, with personal perceptions seeming so unbearable, or unmanageable, people will retreat to a happier, or more peaceful place.
It could be a relapse of sorts, where the familiar- even though it may be harmful- is a comfortable place to be, rather than to face the world.
It isn't unusual that affairs happen, when looking for love, companionship, or someone to understand and provide comfort. Sometimes, anything else, or any other circumstance may be seen as 'the answer', and often times, it is not. History will repeat itself as well, and not understood by the person, the problems only grow worse, and far more complicated.
Eventually life has to be dealt with.
When it is safe to do so, or maybe through her mother, suggest that the two of you go to counseling if she's comfortable and ready for that, or that she go on her own. Do your homework, and find a good fit if you can. Sometimes talking to someone outside the circle can work magic.
And as far as you yourself go, I hope you don't take on too much of the guilt and blame for what has happened. It is unlikely that she would have confided in you, because she was not looking (in my opinion) for understanding, or help. You could have jumped through fire hoops, and still I think, she would have retreated. She may justify her behavior by implying you were somehow causal in what happened, but that is not truthful.
Try for the moment to think that where she is now, is providing something for her, that makes any other alternative unworkable. When she is ready, if she ever is, you will know.
Jake that is the most positive response I have had since this all happened as far as communication and reconciliation goes. The barrier right now though to proceeding to counselling or any form of communication (aside from me being in no contact and her not giving a monkeys) is the fact that she is still with this other guy. Again, I've heard things about him and their relationship that really puzzle me... but she is with him and lives approx 60 miles from me so it makes a bad situation worse! I'd be willing to try counselling to repair the problems and strengthen what I already thought was the most robust of relationships! I'm also wary of approaching her mother to directly suggest something like this because a girl needs her mother (she does now more than ever!) and I don't want to interfere in that relationship... although her mum had admitted to me she knows her daughter is doing the wrong thing with her life! I'm not exaggerating here, our bright, happy future was just around the corner - and it's the injustice of it all on top of everything else that floors me at times! However, I feel good right now thanks to everyone on here! Please keep your advice coming!
Live your life, and let her live hers. Sometimes couples grow better apart than together. You want more advice, keep the input coming.
We're a pretty good bunch here on AMHD.
When I said to pick the right time in becoming more involved, that will probably mean some communication coming from her first. Only then can you know, or begin to know, what's going on.
For the future, be prepared, in case it happens, or she makes some comment in a positive way to her mother, that indicates she needs help getting her life back on track. I really, truly hope that happens.
In the meanwhile, start taking care of your own needs, and healing, because of the major blow you've had in your own life. There may not come a day when you will have answers, or, you may find she'll come around and need you, which I'm sure you hope for. Either way, you need to be strong yourself, and work through this, as you are doing.
You really sound like a decent person to me. I note that you are careful in what you say to protect her privacy, even though nobody knows it here. That is a sign to me that there is honour, and honesty in your character.
Keep us posted.
I will do that Jake and thank you for your kind words! I don't have a bad word to say about her and I never will - despite what she has done. She is the love if my life and is worth waiting for but I've had to accept that none of this is in my control, and remind myself that I did not deserve this! Talaniman, at this stage I'd wager that neither of us are growing better at all! I know through reflection where I've gone wrong and I suppose that adds some self improvement, but right now I don't see any if the 2 of us as being happy! I know how stubborn she is and I feel that even if she had realised this is all a mistake, she won't want to admit it because of her sudden, massive, and well publicised change (Facebook is evil lol!).
Seems that she isn't the only one who is stubborn right? Have you considered how trapped you will feel waiting for her to do or say something? I would HATE that for me.
Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver? If so then I guess I'm guilty! I already feel trapped though because that is a lot to give up just to start all over again - I need to break it down in bits and hope that in that time, she realises what we had us too good to throw away for a crazy fling/phase? If you think I'm being stubborn because I'm not simply accepting the "let go/move on" answer then that's not quite the case. The outcome is going to have more to do with her than me. I've disengaged (which took me a while and I made all the typical, useless attempts to change her mind) and I never get the chance to see or speak to her - but I agree in that I am not ready to accept that there is no hope yet!
Everything she has done says exactly that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
Fiancée
1. cheated
2. left me after 7.5 years
3. is in a relationship with the other guy
4. moved away
5. has allowed 3 months to pass
6. acts like we never happened
7. is trying to sell her wedding dress cheap online
"Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver?" Heck yes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
You sound like a decent guy. You are stuck and stuck isn't a good place to be. Your life can't move forward. All of us have been dumped and all of us have survived. It is our nature.
I challenge your disengaged statement - you haven't and you can't. My partner is a HUGE part of my life who I love more than I've loved anyone. However my partner is not my whole life. If something happened to us where we weren't together anymore I know I would be fine and my life would move forward. I don't let anyone on this earth control my happiness or my emotions. You should learn to do that. It makes a world of difference.
I know - that is why I was asking if this could be a rebound fling or a phase? Again, there is a little more to it but I don't want to go into too much detail - but I'm not convinced that she is happy with the decision that she has made - and she has apparently admitted as recently as Friday that she feels very guilty (I know it means nothing but I'm 9 days n/c so it wasn't anything I said or done to bring that on!) I know that can be seen as reaching on my part and I'm not pinning too much on it - but it shows she still thinks about me a little? She clearly didn't feel guilty when she was with this other guy before?
Had you been the only guy in her life until now? She was just a teen when you two started.
That's awesome Oliver! That's what I meant by saying I will never be in this position again! I have been entirely emotionally dependent on her when I thought I was the strong one helping her! That's going to change - but I've disengaged in terms of my presence towards her. She no longer feels my presence and I feel OK about it! I've no reason to contact her and am not finding n/c a challenge any more at this stage! Cheers though for your views though!
Your words say one thing. Your actions say the opposite. We can see that because we are looking in. I don't think you can see that.
Emotional dependency is bad for you. You have to be happy with you, content with you, strong about you, before you can be all those things for and with someone else. Control what you can control. That is your emotions, feelings, actions, etc. Let go and don't expect to control those things you can't control.
Yes - we were both 19. And she had boyfriends before me, but obv. Not as serious as we were? :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
So you stole her youth.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurtslikehell12
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