[Hurtslikehell12]

You are absolutely right about that ^ however (and this may sound contradictory) if I met her now for the first time, I'd avoid her! She is a completely different person and, compared to the person I knew her to be... I'd say she's living a lie and that's why I am asking if it is a phase? I know waiting and wallowing isn't doing much good, and I'm doing all I can to improve individually, but I'm in no hurry to move on and find someone new - right now it would do more harm than good, and I'm still not able to give up on it (which is only prolonging my agony!) but I have managed to disengage more and feel myself getting better!

[talaniman]

You can move on without looking for someone new, AND be happy. Being alone without being lonely is a trick in itself but you don't have to be isolated and alone, because you make friends and have activities, hobbies, work, and ambitions to pursue. When you are ready options and opportunities for romance and just dating will present themselves.

You were in a relationship 7 years, so of course it takes time to adjust to NOT being in one. You have to build a new comfort zone for yourself.

[Oliver2011]

You are absolutely right about that ^ however (and this may sound contradictory) if I met her now for the first time, I'd avoid her! She is a completely different person and, compared to the person I knew her to be...I'd say she's living a lie and that's why I am asking if it is a phase? I know waiting and wallowing isn't doing much good, and I'm doing all I can to improve individually, but I'm in no hurry to move on and find someone new - right now it would do more harm than good, and I'm still not able to give up on it (which is only prolonging my agony!) but I have managed to disengage more and feel myself getting better!

Well there is an old saying that says if you dig your hole you have to clumb out of it. She has treated you and the relationship badly and there would be no way I would hang around for what is next. But that is me and this is your decision.

[Jake2008]

Yes, people can change, in answer to your question.

Many couples survive the worst odds, but not usually without a lot of shared pain and heartache. Losing a child, a fatal illness, job loss, etc. Life throws a lot of curveballs and the strength of a solid partner can make all the difference.

You alluded to some underlying 'cause' of the drastic change in your partner. It would be helpful to know what that was/is. There are some things that can indeed change a person and their personality. Alcohol is one, medications, head injury, etc.

IF there is a cause, or something you can pinpoint to say that the change happened when 'this' or 'that' happened, it would be helpful to better understand.

Failing that, my advice is to leave her be and not contact her. She may be counting on a lifeline to you, making her life easier, and yours a confusing nightmare.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Hi Jake, yes, a combination of medication, illness, some alcohol abuse, and a complete change in character and personality which was spotted by a lot of people before me! (I guess I was just too close to see it but I'm annoyed with myself for not seeing the signs sooner and acting on them to help us!) I also agree that being alone and not being lonely is key! I was fine on my own when I knew she was coming home, now I want to be anywhere but at home alone! Still, I'm getting a wee bit better at that by talking more on here! However, I also still talk a lot with mutual friends and I still see her mother a lot and talk to her a lot - and I always seem to find some validation in what they are saying that she is going through some kind of life stage (like GIGS if anyone has read that - I have my own thoughts on that though!) As far as I know, neither of us are happy but she is choosing to deny and discard me and our time together and seems to be more unhappy now than ever before? I just don't get it but I'm resigned to the fact that she won't have the answers that I need (or want) at this stage, and a lot of them will have to go unanswered... for now at least!

[Jake2008]

I don't know what GIGS is.

I'm happy that her family is also concerned, and happy also that you have people to talk to. One day at a time. It's painful though, I know.

When a personal crisis happens, sometimes, a person will shoot off in a direction that will seem (at the time) to eliminate the problems. One of the things about depression is that, with personal perceptions seeming so unbearable, or unmanageable, people will retreat to a happier, or more peaceful place.

It could be a relapse of sorts, where the familiar- even though it may be harmful- is a comfortable place to be, rather than to face the world.

It isn't unusual that affairs happen, when looking for love, companionship, or someone to understand and provide comfort. Sometimes, anything else, or any other circumstance may be seen as 'the answer', and often times, it is not. History will repeat itself as well, and not understood by the person, the problems only grow worse, and far more complicated.

Eventually life has to be dealt with.

When it is safe to do so, or maybe through her mother, suggest that the two of you go to counseling if she's comfortable and ready for that, or that she go on her own. Do your homework, and find a good fit if you can. Sometimes talking to someone outside the circle can work magic.

And as far as you yourself go, I hope you don't take on too much of the guilt and blame for what has happened. It is unlikely that she would have confided in you, because she was not looking (in my opinion) for understanding, or help. You could have jumped through fire hoops, and still I think, she would have retreated. She may justify her behavior by implying you were somehow causal in what happened, but that is not truthful.

Try for the moment to think that where she is now, is providing something for her, that makes any other alternative unworkable. When she is ready, if she ever is, you will know.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Jake that is the most positive response I have had since this all happened as far as communication and reconciliation goes. The barrier right now though to proceeding to counselling or any form of communication (aside from me being in no contact and her not giving a monkeys) is the fact that she is still with this other guy. Again, I've heard things about him and their relationship that really puzzle me... but she is with him and lives approx 60 miles from me so it makes a bad situation worse! I'd be willing to try counselling to repair the problems and strengthen what I already thought was the most robust of relationships! I'm also wary of approaching her mother to directly suggest something like this because a girl needs her mother (she does now more than ever!) and I don't want to interfere in that relationship... although her mum had admitted to me she knows her daughter is doing the wrong thing with her life! I'm not exaggerating here, our bright, happy future was just around the corner - and it's the injustice of it all on top of everything else that floors me at times! However, I feel good right now thanks to everyone on here! Please keep your advice coming!

[talaniman]

Live your life, and let her live hers. Sometimes couples grow better apart than together. You want more advice, keep the input coming.

[Jake2008]

We're a pretty good bunch here on AMHD.

When I said to pick the right time in becoming more involved, that will probably mean some communication coming from her first. Only then can you know, or begin to know, what's going on.

For the future, be prepared, in case it happens, or she makes some comment in a positive way to her mother, that indicates she needs help getting her life back on track. I really, truly hope that happens.

In the meanwhile, start taking care of your own needs, and healing, because of the major blow you've had in your own life. There may not come a day when you will have answers, or, you may find she'll come around and need you, which I'm sure you hope for. Either way, you need to be strong yourself, and work through this, as you are doing.

You really sound like a decent person to me. I note that you are careful in what you say to protect her privacy, even though nobody knows it here. That is a sign to me that there is honour, and honesty in your character.

Keep us posted.

[Hurtslikehell12]

I will do that Jake and thank you for your kind words! I don't have a bad word to say about her and I never will - despite what she has done. She is the love if my life and is worth waiting for but I've had to accept that none of this is in my control, and remind myself that I did not deserve this! Talaniman, at this stage I'd wager that neither of us are growing better at all! I know through reflection where I've gone wrong and I suppose that adds some self improvement, but right now I don't see any if the 2 of us as being happy! I know how stubborn she is and I feel that even if she had realised this is all a mistake, she won't want to admit it because of her sudden, massive, and well publicised change (Facebook is evil lol!).

[Oliver2011]

Seems that she isn't the only one who is stubborn right? Have you considered how trapped you will feel waiting for her to do or say something? I would HATE that for me.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver? If so then I guess I'm guilty! I already feel trapped though because that is a lot to give up just to start all over again - I need to break it down in bits and hope that in that time, she realises what we had us too good to throw away for a crazy fling/phase? If you think I'm being stubborn because I'm not simply accepting the "let go/move on" answer then that's not quite the case. The outcome is going to have more to do with her than me. I've disengaged (which took me a while and I made all the typical, useless attempts to change her mind) and I never get the chance to see or speak to her - but I agree in that I am not ready to accept that there is no hope yet!

[Wondergirl]

i am not ready to accept that there is no hope yet!

Everything she has done says exactly that.

Fiancée
1. cheated
2. left me after 7.5 years
3. is in a relationship with the other guy
4. moved away
5. has allowed 3 months to pass
6. acts like we never happened
7. is trying to sell her wedding dress cheap online

[Oliver2011]

Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver? If so then I guess I'm guilty! I already feel trapped though because that is a lot to give up just to start all over again - I need to break it down in bits and hope that in that time, she realises what we had us too good to throw away for a crazy fling/phase? If you think I'm being stubborn because I'm not simply accepting the "let go/move on" answer then that's not quite the case. The outcome is going to have more to do with her than me. I've disengaged (which took me a while and I made all the typical, useless attempts to change her mind) and i never get the chance to see or speak to her - but I agree in that i am not ready to accept that there is no hope yet!

"Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver?" Heck yes.

You sound like a decent guy. You are stuck and stuck isn't a good place to be. Your life can't move forward. All of us have been dumped and all of us have survived. It is our nature.

I challenge your disengaged statement - you haven't and you can't. My partner is a HUGE part of my life who I love more than I've loved anyone. However my partner is not my whole life. If something happened to us where we weren't together anymore I know I would be fine and my life would move forward. I don't let anyone on this earth control my happiness or my emotions. You should learn to do that. It makes a world of difference.

[Hurtslikehell12]

I know - that is why I was asking if this could be a rebound fling or a phase? Again, there is a little more to it but I don't want to go into too much detail - but I'm not convinced that she is happy with the decision that she has made - and she has apparently admitted as recently as Friday that she feels very guilty (I know it means nothing but I'm 9 days n/c so it wasn't anything I said or done to bring that on!) I know that can be seen as reaching on my part and I'm not pinning too much on it - but it shows she still thinks about me a little? She clearly didn't feel guilty when she was with this other guy before?

[Wondergirl]

Had you been the only guy in her life until now? She was just a teen when you two started.

[Hurtslikehell12]

That's awesome Oliver! That's what I meant by saying I will never be in this position again! I have been entirely emotionally dependent on her when I thought I was the strong one helping her! That's going to change - but I've disengaged in terms of my presence towards her. She no longer feels my presence and I feel OK about it! I've no reason to contact her and am not finding n/c a challenge any more at this stage! Cheers though for your views though!

[Oliver2011]

Your words say one thing. Your actions say the opposite. We can see that because we are looking in. I don't think you can see that.

Emotional dependency is bad for you. You have to be happy with you, content with you, strong about you, before you can be all those things for and with someone else. Control what you can control. That is your emotions, feelings, actions, etc. Let go and don't expect to control those things you can't control.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Had you been the only guy in her life until now? She was just a teen when you two started out.

Yes - we were both 19. And she had boyfriends before me, but obv. Not as serious as we were? :)

[Wondergirl]

Yes - we were both 19. And she had boyfriends before me, but obv. not as serious as we were? :)

So you stole her youth.