Why are men more forgiving than women..
[paragraphs have been created and many caps added -WG]
OK so here is my story...
About a year ago, I worked for an escort agency. I used to drive different girls to jobs and take them home. One day I picked up two girls and went to drop one to a job.. While waiting for one of the girls in the job, me and the other girl sat and talked.. I began to feel something I can't explain, felt like this girl is amazing. It reminded me of a lost princess who needed my help to show her a new life. We just talked and talked and laughed and I could really feel both of us falling for each other. We talked about what we wanted from life and found that we shared the same goals in life.
Later that night I had to take her to a job. Then it hit me how strong my feelings were for her. As I drove her to the job, I was wishing the job would be cancelled. My prayers were answered and it was. We got to talk more. I can't tell you how happy I felt. As the night went on, I knew it was only a matter of time before I had another call for her. I did and this time it wasn't to be cancelled. I sat for two hours on my own with thoughts of despair of what she's doing. I questioned myself as to why I felt the way I do.
I don't know this girl I kept thinking. Why am I bothered? Then it hit me like a brick to the face. I loved her. As corny and silly as it sounds, I had fallen for her. I remember getting the call to pick her up and I was so happy I raced to get to her like her life was at risk. And when she saw me she knew.
The rest of the night was like a nightmare--had to take her to 2 other jobs. I held my emotions back, but I knew by the end of the night she would be mine and I'd take her away from this dark and nasty life.
The end of our shift came and it's 7 in the morning. We're driving home. I drop one of the girls home and it's just me and her in the car. I look at her and say, "Fancy breakfast?" "Yes!" so we go to Macdonalds to eat. We talk. Then I look at her and say, "I like you...i like you a lot and can't stop myself from kissing you." She looked at me and said she likes me too. I remember rubbing her nose with mine just before we kissed, and I held her head and kissed her with all the love in the world. We both knew what we had just found.
I drove to a hotel. We stayed and made love all day. She promised me from that day she would quit working and we would stay in touch. What happened next was a roller coaster of emotions and events that I knew would eventually bring us to breaking point.
The day after, I sat and thought about this girl and her past and if I could ever handle the things she has done for money and if I could ever put this in the past. I knew from past experience my ex gfs' pasts have always been an issue for me to deal with. I gave up my fight to deal with it and sent her a text saying it was too hard for me to deal with. I asked her to call our boss and make sure I don't have to drive her again. She didn't make that call and the following week I had to drive her again.
I remembered that pain of driving her to jobs and the pain that I had let her down and never took her away. I felt awful. I saw the pain in her eyes as she went into jobs wishing I would drive her somewhere else. The end of the night when I dropped her home, I was so angry and shouted at her!
That was the last time I spoke to her.. Every day for a month she would ring me, apologising, crying. I ignored it all until one day I sat there crying thinking what have I done? So I rang her. I said come over and let's do this. I can't still remember the look in her eyes as we kissed. I was the happiest man in the world, and I just held her as we both cried and said that we love each other.
Four days we stayed in a hotel after that. She changed her number, and we promised to be together. As time went on and we started to do normal things. The thoughts of her past kept coming back to me causing us to have arguments. We had good days and some bad days.
Then about 2 months down the line, she moved into my home I lived in with my parents. She fell pregnant, had an abortion, then fell pregnant again. This time there was no option for an abortion, and we were about to be parents. I was so scared and not ready for this and my actions I can only describe as pathetic and weak. I never realised how much of a blessing having a baby was and I think I realised too late.
As time went on, I grew to put aside my feelings and try to support her the best I could. My parents were selling the house and I knew that I'd be moving into a flat with her and the baby. My parents moved far from London to Yorkshire, and we stayed at her mum's until she gave birth--and to be honest with you, the thought of my mum living so far away affected me in ways I can't explain and contributed along with my own insecurities as to what happened next.
So the day came when we were driving to the hospital. Five days of labour and our little boy was born. The feelings I had when I saw his little face! I touched my nose on his and was immediately filled with a joy and happiness that only a father can feel. I knew that day I'd have done anything for that boy and be his daddy and always support his mummy. I think I even loved her even more for giving me such a beautiful son.
Then the arguments started. It started with my family--why they were not there to support me through being a father, why they were not there to see their grandson--so many arguments--argued over his name which was the final straw for her. She ended it and then I was doomed to a life of complete misery. I begged her to forgive me but she wouldn't.
I was now homeless with no girlfriend and no chance of seeing my son as she wouldn't let me. I was staying at a friend's house and hit the drink hard! I went on dating sites to try and get some rationality for what I had done but the story gets worse.
She had access to all my emails, and she read everything! And in the vulnerable state she was in told me I can never see my son again. She registered him and didn't put me on the birth certificate, also never gave him my family name.
I don't want to take her to court. I know all the rules of this justice system and I was not about to drag her and my son through this. I don't want that legal battle only to get access once a week. That would drive me insane. Every night I'd cry myself to sleep and wake up in a cold sweat, shaking, with thoughts of suicide often coming into my head.
I've now started to make plans to end my life. It's been 4 months since he was born and nearly 3 months since we split. I've not found anywhere to live, and my life feels empty and pointless without her. I am stuck with the feelings that I can't move on without her.
She has now found a new partner and it's killing me even more that I've lost the one thing in this life I loved and cared about--and hearing that she has moved on with someone else destroys my hope of getting back with her evermore far away.
The only good thing is 2 days ago I got to meet up with her. We took our son to the park, then to the doctor's, and I can honestly say it was the best day I have had in 4 months. True love does exist, but it must be perfect. When it fails, it fails hard because the higher you take your emotions, the higher they have to fall when they go bad.
I ruined a perfect relationship that was a fairytale story of romance that led into selfish feelings of greed and jealousy, standing on the edge of a high place wanting to jump. How can I go on knowing what I've done? Maybe someone has the answer--or maybe there isn't one. All I'm sure of is the love for her and my son and that if I don't get them back, I won't be able to live with myself for being so stupid. I can't accept it's over, don't think I ever will.
When I dropped her home, I played our song to her and explained everything to her. I told her how important it is for me to be a father, but she's told me there's no hope for us getting back together. Too much has happened. I disagree and I'm stuck wanting my fairytale princess back.
