My girlfriend of 14 months broke up with me over 2 weeks ago. I am not getting into the reason why- but she was very confused and regretted doing it. The weekend after she broke up with me she had sex 3 times with her friend... After she broke up with me he woke up and realized he liked her and made it known- and of course my girlfriend got all excited cause someone liked her and so she felt a strong connection. My ex's best friend brought this guy into her group of friends cause she met him at a college night class. I am 22- my ex is 21 and this guy is 28, almost 29 and it freaks me out she slept with someone that old.

During the week after the break up I did No Contact- but she kept texting me late at night telling me she loves me and is confused... cause she didn't know what she wanted- her friends telling her to leave me, her family telling her to stay, she wasn't listening to her heart. WE ended up hanging out 3 days in a row- on one occasion having sex- and then she kept saying she wants to be with me but is just confused. We talked briefly everyday after that- but 18 days after we break up she is dating this Kevin guy- who he himself a couple months ago just got out of a 3 year relationship. My ex says she did not leave me for him, she just said there is a strong connection and she can't ignore it- and she wants to be friends with me and to know that I will always be in her heart... blah blah -

But she had the decently to tell me she is dating this guy now ( nothing official) and all I told her is that I am happy for her if she is truly happy cause I care for her and told her to know that I am always here for her.

So I am moving on with my life... but is this a clear sign of a rebound? I am vanishing myself from her life and if she contacts me again she will. Everyone is telling me what she has right now won't last and she will be running back to me in the end... but I don't know

I forgot to mention my ex tells me she has been looking at my Facebook everyday to see what I am up to- so to me it shows she does still care about me...

Why are you so involved and caught up in her life?. you want her back? Why? You yourself mentioned she was confused! How about just getting on with your life instead of trying to figure out the actions of a confused person.
At best you're in the friends zone... you're hurting while she's out there having fun and dating other guys. She may come back... when she's bored, when she needs a shoulder to cry on and a quick roll in the hay to make HER feel better (OK , well maybe she's not like that :-P )... point is, she's not just going to run back into your arms and everything will be OK... remember, the two of you broke up for a reason!
I would stay out of her life in every way and keep it like that, get my head back together and spend my time on more meaningful/valuable pursuits... someone not so confused..

I am only "caught" up cause I know there is a small window for an ex to still have feelings for you and if by dropping out of her life- will help her realize what she is losing then that is what I am planning on doing- I have been moving on and going out and living my life- I was at that stage of sitting around depressed but I always stay optimistic in life and hope that one day she might come back - for now we are on different paths...

Go NC.
Get off Facebook.

The less drama, the better.

And don't have false hopes.

If she really wanted you, she would be with you. Running back to you? I wouldn't let her.

Move on. There's better things ahead.

I would say she had her rebound with her weekend friend... then jumped back to you for 3 days(that was your chance)... now she's dating this Kevin guy and

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she wants to be friends with me and to know that I will awlays be in her heart... blah blah -

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.. so as you see yes, girlfriends do rebound back to you and the vast majority of the time it never lasts. The problems that existed before you broke up are still there and they are never easily fixed... easier for many to move on to other people.

Well when you say " my chance" I did absolutely nothing wrong those 3 hangouts and things seemed to be fine- I think she is just caught up in the idea someone else likes her right now and went for it... She obviously still thinks about me seeing wondering what I am up to and still wears shirts I bought her and uses things I gave her- so that to me counts you know that feelings are always still there?

Are you crazy? This is in no way a rebound! She dumped you to screw him, and she is still screwing him, while she keeps you on the sidelines, waiting to get back in the game.

Rebound?? Naw guy, you are being played for a fool, and being fed crap by this player. Confused?? She ain't, but you are.

When you get dumped, you disappear, and do your thing. Not sit around waiting for her to finish getting her freak on with an ex.

At least she dumped you first, and all you have to do is be smart enough to disappear, and have no more to do with her.

The fact that you did nothing wrong during those 3 hangouts and the fact that she moved on to another guy should tell you something, no?

Just because she hangs out with you(for 3 whole days), wears clothes and uses things you bought her really doesn't mean anything other than you're in the friends zone and an option.

Does she think of you... sure she does BUT it hardly means that she is motivated enough to get back together with you in hopes of having a meaningful happy relationship... her actions clearly point that out.

As Vanheart stated, if she wanted you she would be with you- it really is that simple.

Look- I am not standing up for her- but seriously she never had any interest in this guy during our 14 months at all I can promise you that- she told me she screwed him because she was trying to force herself to get over me but she realized it was wrong of her- like I said until this guy told her he had interest of course a confused upset girl will cling to some new attraction to her...

Im sure you've heard the phrase "Having your cake & eating it too" ?

Well she's got cake, you don't.

This sooner you stop listening to her & start looking at her actions, the better.

Forget her.

"a confused upset girl will cling to some new attraction to her..."

She knew exactly what she was doing. Stop tripping.

NC.

Yeah I know you guys are right- but I am moving on now- living my life- and if she contacts me again in some point she does... if not then she doesn't. It doesn't hurt to be optimistic cause you never know what can happen in the future- yeah I am not waiting around until she contacts me- I will still always care for her just as she will always care for me -

And yes I am in the No Contact mode

NC means NEVER responding.

Just so you know.

Disappear from her.

Vanheart- I get that - but how will I know if she is ever interested again and wants to try things out again? Doesn't time heal all? That's what everyone says- give it time

Oh & BTW,

Dumping you & screwing some other guy isn't exactly "caring" for you.

"just as she will always care for me"

You got it all wrong.

Its over for good. Put that in the top of your brain.

Forget her. NC, for good.

Once you come to that realization, you will be able to move on.

NC will help tons. Seriously. No FB, no gossip, no false hopes.

All of that will only make your life worse.

Face facts. It happens to the best of us, for whatever reasons.

That's all in the past. Live your life like before you met her.

But better.

OK your right vanheart

Threads have been merged together.



I am embarrassed typing this- I am 22 years old- just got dumped by my ex girlfriend of 14 months- I was talking with her since the beginning of December 2009- and since then we been either talking/ then dating/ then official.

I am trying to move on and people keep telling me that I need to just get things together and move on with my life. Its been about 3 weeks since she dumped me. My problem is to move forward, I am trying to look backward, and remember who the person I was before I met my ex.

Sure I know what my interests are, and hobbies, and group of friends. But after being single my whole life, and then finally getting into a serious relationship, I forgot who I am.

Anyone felt this way before? Any suggestions, or some advice?

Thanks


Edited/T

And just to add while it does not matter 29 is not "that old"

I agree.

Doesn't matter what age.

Build some character here. You will thank yourself later.

It's time. Show her (& yourself) who's boss. #1

This won't be your last heartbreak..

OK vanheart answer me this- how the hell am I to forget about her sexually? I can't get her out of my mind - plus knowing she is having crazy sex like we used to have with this new guy- I don't know what to do- I tried to think about hot girls and get her off my mind- but I just can't stop thinking about her naked , etc...

Well,

That's the only hold she's got on you. That's the real issue here. Boy, are you being played.

Think of it this way.

She doesn't care if its you. This guy, or hopefully the next. See, she's moved on. You haven't.

That's how it goes. Girls know first. Guys are idiots. Find out last. Duh...

There's other girls. The point here is that you were crying because you thought this was more than it really is.

Sorry.

You will get over her, once you have decided to leave her alone, and move on with your life. Then it will just be a bad memory. IF you set about making new ones, better ones, with better people, places, and things.

We all go through this with a love that has failed, and turned sour, and we move on, and survive, and thrive. Don't let any one person, event, or experience ruin you in life. Not ever. Just because its hard now to get her out of your system, that doesn't mean it can't be done. As I said, we have all been there, done that, some of us several times.

Hope Van doesn't mind me using his story as an example of what NO Contact can help you do.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-359578.html

It takes time to heal after a break up-so give yourself time to mourn,whilst still doing things that make you feel better.

You are still you,you just need to rediscover yourself.

Three weeks is so little time, it will take much more to "move on" and get over a serious relationship.

But one issue is you are no longer "who you were" we grow, change and mature or sometime immature. So you move on with who you are now. There is a old saying you can't go home. You can not go back to who you where, he is gone, changed by the things we do and the people we know.

Well I am trying to move one- but the worst is at night when I lay in bed- that is when my mind is most vulnerable and I just have thoughts- and especially the bed that my girlfriend use to sleep with me a lot in.
Also it seems like every other night I am having dreams that she is in- so when I wake up of course she is on my mind...

Its been 3 weeks and I still feel devastated - some say it could take months for me to get over her. I deleted her out of my life - but not my mind... that's what sucks

And also I don't buy what this article say- http://save-a-relationship.com/rebou...rlfriend-back/ take a look- it says by her dating someone so quickly after the breakup shows how much she truly loves me? That is what is so confusing about that article I just posted the link for- if you don't mind please take a look I would love to hear your comments.
Thanks

I don't agree with the article at all, because when you get dumped, then you are on your own, and the more time you waste, the longer you are miserable, and miss any other option, and opportunity to be happy. It also stops the healing process, and as you are seeing, despite saying several times you are moving on, you have not. You still are looking for that glimmer of hope, mostly I bet because you are still in contact with her.

I doubt seriously if catering to her, or waiting for this rebound to end, brings you the respect, or the results you want, but will keep you in limbo because of the false hope, at the price of your own dignity, and self respect. The trust has been broken, and even if you did get her back, it would not be the same. You will always wonder if you will get dumped again, and that fear will make you an insecure jellyfish, every time she doesn't give you the love and attention you want.

In addition you are still counting on this being a spur of the moment decision by her, and I doubt that seriously, as she has been probably planning this for a lot longer than she has told you, and finally took the opportunity when she had the best chance. YEP, that means they have probably been talking behind your back, without your knowledge. You were just the last to know.

REBOUND my a$$, and as your mind clears, you will probably put it together for yourself in time, but for now, false hope, and shock, will keep you swallowing her story.

You have already allowed yourself to be in the very bad position of her knowing you want her back, and will take her back, when she has finished screwing this other guy, a safety net to a female that can't stand to be alone. She may well be looking to get back with you, if things don't work out with him. Or she may play the "confused", and want your time and attention without a title, or commitment. That's what usually happens, and you will still be in limbo, confused, and miserable.

Only through the very hard path of NO CONTACT with her no matter what, will you get your head clear enough eventually to make good decisions for yourself again, based on FACTS, and not just those intense confused FEELINGS. Everyone I know who has gone completely NO CONTACT when they get dumped, has thrived and survived, and been able to move to better, healthier things in life, and DON"T want the ex back, not even on a silver platter.

So the choice is yours my young friend. Read the books that offer hope of getting your "true love" back, or build a life that you enjoy without her in it, and be better for this valuable life lesson.

"talaniman" I assure you it was indeed spur of the moment- and no I am not in denial- I know for a fact it was. She even said that she discovered she had a strong connection hanging out with him and he showed interest and she didn't want to ignore the connection and was interested to see where it goes.

But yes I will admit sure I have that false glimmers of hope? Wouldn't you have that as well- wanting to be with the person you truly loved and thought this was the one to marry? We had plans next year to move in together and really get serious- we were a serious couple- so naturally I can not help how I feel. I try to move on but its sad I forgot the person I was before I started talking to her 2 years ago. It is really sad and pathetic of me- I am trying to re-identify myself- sure I know my interests and hobbies but it's a weird feeling being alone again.

No Contact yes I know is the way to go and I am getting better at it- but I don't know how to fill the void in my life- it feels like no one texts me or calls me anymore. I do not need a GF to be happy- but it was one of the greatest feelings in the world knowing every night before you go to bed- you lay there talking on the phone with your lover- that is what I miss a lot- I have no one to talk to every night- it makes me feel more alone.

I know I am reading up on these false hope books and articles- but I am indeed trying to establish a new chapter in my life- it is just difficult for me at this moment.

Its supposed to be difficult. That's what brings out the best in you, and strengthen you for more adversity life will bring you later.

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I assure you it was indeed spur of the moment- and no I am not in denial- I know for a fact it was. She even said that she discovered she had a strong connection hanging out with him and he showed interest and she didn't want to ignore the connection and was interested to see where it goes.

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I find this disturbing, so should you. If indeed you moved in with a person that could not handle being attracted to others. So much for love, and loyalty with this one. After all those "serious" plans.

We all know what a tough road of change, and adjustments you're on. All we can do is support you, and hope you get through it, as many have before you. Yeah the nights are tough, and I can only recommend some full, busy days.

Well I am in graduate school- so in two weeks I will be very busy again- these next couple of days I have no plans cause I want to relax before my busy semester - but I am still trying to keep myself busy at home and such- You see being in a crazy graduate program knowing that I could always have my GF to support me through all my stressed out times was great- having her call to cheer me up and to calm me down during finals week- that was great- I don't want to appear I am needy of her- but it was great - this semester scares me cause I do not have that emotional support from her- or anyone...

Got you! But you will come to love standing on your own, and supporting yourself, NOT some flake who can't control herself.

Well I hope your right- cause she was a huge part of my life- I talked to her more than anyone else over these last 14 months- things may be gone- but they will never fade

And I really don't want a rebound just to fill that void- I can't just do that to myself or put a girl through that just to fulfill my needs...

That's a very important thing to look at, because even though you can't. SHE CAN, and did.

Maybe pray for the guy she is with, or wish him better luck than you had.

I agree- right now I want nothing to do with women- its sad- like no I didn't turn gay- but right now I am just not attracted to anyone- every time I see a couple walking holding hands or showing some public affection it just sickens me and destroys me cause I wish I still had that connection. I need a lot of time to build my confidence up- I don't know what else to do- and yeah some girl did hook up with me the other day, kissing me- but it made me feel even worse cause I wish it was my ex- so that indicated to me that a rebound is not what I need- if I will keep comparing my ex and this new girl the whole time. I thought I was stronger then this but this whole breakup is destroying me ( not that I am intentionally letting myself get destroyed)

So lets look ahead here- from this day on there will be NO CONTACT on my part - but say in a couple months she contacts me or w/e - to simply say hi or perhaps wants to see what I am up to- or even maybe even wants to just catch up and causally go out for a drink or w/e- do I simply ignore her or do I be respectful and answer her?

I simply disappear, until I can cope with whatever she does in a common sense piratical manner, and not fall under her spell again. Do this right, and you will be stronger later.

NC allows you to heal,

Until you can deal,

With what's REAL.

Ignore her.

NC is 100%. For good.

Not what if this & that...

OK - and I did read through all of Van's story you sent me - I hope to be like him and can count down the months of No Contact-
On Facebook I blocked a lot of stuff so I can't notice her much but she still is a friend on there- Her mom and I chatted the other day and she said my ex is expecting me to delete her from my friends list cause she thinks I will be immature about this break up- but right now I didn't cause I want to prove her otherwise. Its sad how the technological age can dwell on situations now...

Her mom also thinks this guy won't be around 2 long - especially since he recently became single a couple months ago- "again saying its a typical rebound" and the fact that my ex never went on 1-1 dates with him - it is always with a group of friends ( except the 3 times she went to his house and did you know what... ) Her mom thinks I should get her jealous and start hanging with a new girl cause my ex used to get very jealous when girls were attracted to me and such- and she feels it will show my ex what she is missing and could have had.

But one hard thing when someone breaks up with you is that its breaking up with their whole family. The bonds between family members you wish to still have but obviously cant.

So what are your thoughts Tal from her moms perspective?

And don't worry I am still doing NO CONTACT

I would never ask my exes mom anything, nor depend on her for advice. NEVER, and would leave her family alone. That is tough, but most moms have a very biased view of their daughters. And don't know a lot of facts about the details of their behavior.

I have told my kids the same thing I have told you. I think your ex will wonder enough with NC, and there is no need to play the jealousy game. That brings in someone to make her jealous, and that's not fair, and if they are willing to help you make your ex jealous, that's nothing but a manipulative game.

I tend to keep the opinions of family, and friends, out of my business, until its been handled. Just me.

Instead of trying to rediscover who you were before the relationship, why not try to discover who you have become? You're a different person now, so why not figure out who this new person is?

Find new hobbies, new interests, meet new people.

I completely agree with you regarding the mom and family thing- but what about the Facebook thing? I have up to this point eliminated everything connected with her the best I could ( obviously certain rooms in a house or music, or movies will remind me of her) but I feel as long as I am disciplined and not look at her Facebook page- Facebook could work to my advantage 1) by her seeing I am having a fun and good time and living life without her might in the end spite her cause she could have had that with me. 2) I am not a person to completely eliminate someone from my life. Like I said up until now every little thing she gave me or pictures or w/e has been removed and stored in a box deeply hidden in my basement.


Don't worry I won't play the jealously came- cause in the end who really wins? No one cause relationships and post relationships aren't a game.

But I want to thank everyone so far for talking to me and giving me advice- its hard to find people to talk about this situation so I love this advice and I am sure I will need more as the weeks progress