All threads merged


So, I recently started seeing this girl a couple of weeks ago. We actually already have history, we dated about a year and half ago and it just didn't work out. We were both looking for different things. But, now out of the blue during winter break, we randomly got together one night and hit it off again. Ever since that night we have been talking on the phone and video chatting pretty much every single night. We talked and talked about our past and decided that we both grew up from our last time and we wanted to give it another shot. We both decided to make things exclusive between us and we both told each other that there is no one else and that we are both 100% interested in each other. Seems simple enough... but the only thing concerning the both of us is the distance. She and I are both in college. I go to college right near our home town, but she goes to school about a 3 hour drive away. We also decided to take things slow, let them develop and we also really told each other that we want things to work. The lines of communication are very good between us, which makes the both of us happy. Anyway, I'm on here to see if anyone has good advice as to help make this work? Or if anyone has experienced a long-distance relationship and it ended up not working? What are some good tips I could take into this relationship?

In light of how soon you other relationship ended,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ls-529487.html
I would say go slow, very slow, and not have a lot of high expectations, even though it sounds like a rebound on your part, and a rerun, since you have already failed once, and that would make any relationship, a high risk of failure. However here are some sights to give you some ideas about managing a LDR.

7 Ways To Survive A Long-Distance Relationship | The Frisky

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

In light of how soon you other relationship ended,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ls-529487.html
I would say go slow, very slow, and not have a lot of high expectations, even though it sounds like a rebound on your part, and a rerun, since you have already failed once, and that would make any relationship, a high risk of failure. However here are some sights to give you some ideas about managing a LDR.

7 Ways To Survive A Long-Distance Relationship | The Frisky

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

---

I agree with the taking it slow part, no problem there. And I don't rreally consider it a rebound, like I said I have history with this girl and to be honest I have always wanted to give her and I another try. I won't allow what happened with my most recent break up affect what I currently have now.

So, I have been in this long-distance relationship (3 hour drive away) for almost 2 months now. Everything has been going just fine, except for one thing, our communication. When we talk, there is nothing we can't tell each other or talk about with one another. The problem is that, my g/f is a blonde when it comes to her phone (even though she is brunette lol). For instance, she says she will call me later in the night and never ends up calling. Or, during the day, it will take her hours upon hours to respond to my texts. I know this doesn't sound like that big a deal but for some reason I get so upset when she doesn't call/text back and I end up giving her attitude about it. I'm not the only person who she does this too, its her friends as well. So why am I taking it personally? Well, for one I find it a little disrespectful and rude when she leaves me hanging there, you know? Especially in the middle of a conversation. By the time she responds, I give her that good ole' attitude and it leads to an argument. So, my question is... do I have a right to get that upset or am I just being a fool here?? I feel like this is driving a wedge between us and I really don't want this to end up causing us to break up. So what do I do? (And by the way she constantly tells me that her feelings for me are real and genuine and she is just that way with her phone)

You have only been together two months so I suggest you relax and accept that this is probably the way she is.

Getting to know someone takes time so calm down and keep working on communicating.

She is the way she is so quit trying to change her. If you can't deal with it, then leave.

If she is that way with everyone, why take it personally? And why give her attitude when you know it will start an argument? Sounds insecure to me.

Very true, do you have an advice for me to get over this insecurity?

Change your attitude first, and have other things beside her to look forward too. Stop texting, and let her call you sometimes.

Its only been 2 months, but you expect her to do things your way, and that ain't going to happen.

You should be having fun, not attitude dude. Pay attention, you have a lot to learn about her ways, and long distance requires more patience. A lot more. Be a lot more flexible in your thinking so you can adjust to what's happening between you in a mature way. She obviously has a life besides you and frankly, you should have one besides her.

Thinking she has to show she cares is not realistic they way you want it, and you shouldn't need her constant attention to make you feel better. Look you can't overcome obstacles by bulling your way through them, so use some finesse, and recognize when to back up, and let her come to you. Honestly, you are taking that b/f g/f title a bit to seriously, and have skipped over the fun of getting to know each other part, and rushed into a commitment that has yet to be defined by you both.

You are still strangers, trying to see how you fit together. Act like it and stop tripping when your demands aren't met. That's where the talking comes in, so there will be less conflict over styles and responsibilities.

Until you get that part right, titles mean nothing, and there is no relationship, just a hope for one. That will go along ways in keeping your insecurities under control. Try to impress, NOT stress.

Over the last couple days I had read this over and over and over. Even when I feel like she is doing something I don't like (not texting back right away, etc.) and I will tell you this makes me feel a whole lot better about things. Granted everyone has there negatives but why change someone? Its almost like I'm trying to create and demand this g/f that fits to my standards and that isn't right. I will say without a doubt her positives greatly outweigh her scatter brain tendencies and spaztic like ways lol. But thanks again.. great great advice

So I was just recently on here asking about my long distance relationship and all I the advice I got I put to practice and so far its going fine. No fighting has been going on, but now there is something else. To basically make a long story short, she and I are really into each other, but she is not sure whether she would be happy with the distance because she is at the point where she wants me around her all the time and she really wants to start having a serious relationship. Of course I want that too, but I'm here saying I would rather have you than not have you at all and I think we can get serious, its just going to take some time. We see each other about every 1-3 weeks for about 2 days or so at a time. She was telling me that she thinks I'm the greatest boyfriend and I'm wonderful and perfect, but then the distance is what she is confused about. In her mind, she is debating whether she would be happy with me and have the distance or not have me at all. As said before, I would rather have her than not have her at all. Now my problem is that I can do nothing about this, this is a battle that is dwelling inside of her and I feel so helpless. Part of me thinks I should end it and save myself the pain and frustration and the other part of me is willing to wait for her to make up her mind about what she wants. As a guy, I can't understand why she feels this way when according to her I'm so great. Shouldn't that be good enough? What do I do?

Short of moving, there isn't much you can do. It's understandable that she would like to spend more time with you, be able to go out and do things together, etc.. She may also wonder how can it work if you can't do those things on a regular basis.

Some people make it work because they want the relationship, even with the limited physical time together, other people simply can not get passed that.

Do you each have a webcam? Can you "talk" online, or with phone calls, on a daily basis?

It is unfortunate that she is having trouble focusing more on what you do have together than on what you don't have.

Instead of chucking it altogether because of it possibly not working, why not focus on those times you can spend together and other ways to remain in contact in between?

It may turn out to be a wonderful relationship that continues to grow. Who knows what time may bring. It may also turn out that one, or both, of you decides it isn't enough at some point. But that is exactly what happens in any relationship regardless of how often you see each other!

One option, ask her to give it 6 months of getting to know each other more, spending what time you can together, enjoying each others company, seeing if your relationship grows.

For the record... my husband and I had a long distance relationship (an ocean apart) before we married. He now is gone sometimes for weeks at a time. We probably talk more to each other each day than most married couples! You make the most of what you have sometimes... :)

Yes we talk on the phone every day and we also text through out the day sometimes and we try to video a couple times a week, but again the fact that we aren't right next to each other is the problem. And she is thinking what we don't have and I'm thinking of what we do have. I would love to be able to help her switch her thinking cause that's the only problem right now.

Hello again guy, and sorry to say, but you can't change her thinking, or the way she feels. Not going to happen.

The only thing that solves this problem is an end date for this distance thing, and try and help her through until then. What you didn't understand before was her needs for more personal attention, because while you are good with the way things are, females need more attention and security than that. Yours does any way.

Since your last post, things have been slowly changing with her and she is no longer as patient or as willing, and all you can do is keep with the reassurance that this distance will end, and better things will happen.

Forget changing her, understand what she needs and try to give it to her. Just because you are a guy doesn't mean you can't understand YOUR females thinking, because if you don't what's the point in this whole thing.

Unfortunately there is no end date to the distance, our relationship is going to be long-distance for at least the time we are in college and I have over a year to go as does she... so now I'm at the point where she either she decides her feelings for me are enough to get over the distance or we end the relationship (which I don't want). I don't like this waiting game,

Is she not talking to you until she makes up her mind or are things pretty much as they have been? Maybe just let things continue as they are. It may help her make up her mind.

Otherwise, put yourself out of misery and let her know that her indecision is really difficult for you. Let her know how much you care about her and that you want the relationship to continue, but you don't want to be in limbo with not knowing what her plans are.

It may be that it won't be enough for her, and you can't change that. Sometimes the timing is just not there.

Who knows what may happen in a few months time. She may change her mind, or you may find someone else who is also wonderful, and closer to home.

No we are still everyday like normal, she just wanted to be honest with me... as I said before she wants me around all the time and she can't figure out if her feelings for me are enough to get over the distance. Im not going to jump to any rash decisions but at the same time it is frustrating not knowing what to expect. I actually have plans to see her in a few days so I don't think anything is going to happen in between now and then, but then what's going to happen after that?? I just don't know

Still talkingggg everyday like normal (phone, text)***

Then I would just go with it for now. Frustrating to be sure, but really, what can you do? Make your time together, whether in person or otherwise, as enjoyable as you can. Be sure she knows how much she means to you, keep communicating, and let it run the course.

Trust me that is exactly what I'm doing... im being positive with her, when I talk to you her, we are still making plans and she knows how much she means to you. Although, she says that I have to stop trying so hard to make this work.

Maybe she is right. Stop trying so hard to make things work, and enjoy one day at a time. What ever plans we make we can't know what tomorrow will bring.

I have been married 35 years, and still can't predict the future. Relax, enjoy today, and try it again tomorrow. One day at a time. That's all most of us can handle any way, because there are no guarantees.

This is my third and probably last time asking about my long distance relationship. I recently left another thread on here about it and after that happened things with us still didn't seem to work. This past weekend she came into town and said we had to talk, I knew exactly what she was going to say. She can't handle the long distance relationship and she can't play the girl friend role anymore. She says she has too much going on with school and work and the obligation of having to talk to me is putting a big strain on her and it was stressing me out as well because I sensed her stress and that bugged me a lot. So, we did break up but here is the thing... we decided to kind of sort of put us on "hiatus" or "pause" if you will. We both have finals coming up, so for the next couple weeks we are going to do our own thing and then when she comes back into town after finals we are going to see where we are at with each other. We got together this past weekend on Saturday and Sunday night and realized we aren't ready to give each other up just yet, but the relationship needed to end to relieve the stress on both ends. We both have a lot of feelings for one another and we have said we love each other. And both us believe that there is something out there waiting for us. We came to a mutual agreement with one another, that we are "friends in an open-relationship", sort of a middle ground. More than friends but less than an official relationship. As for contact, we are both taking a couple days off from each other and we plan on catching up later in the week and seeing where that goes. So I'm wondering if this situation sounds like I'm spinning my wheels or what?

Quote:

---

We came to a mutual agreement with one another, that we are "friends in an open-relationship", sort of a middle ground. More than friends but less than an official relationship. As for contact, we are both taking a couple days off from each other and we plan on catching up later in the week and seeing where that goes.

---

When I merged your threads, and reread them, it occurred to me that as the lust has worn down, the relationship has gone down too, and if I am right, don't waste your time with all this alternatives to having a healthy adult relationship with this person. Sorry it was fun while it lasted, but its going down hill fast. Time to let go and get gone and be done with all this that's turning into a mess.

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS means there is no commitment to loyalty at all as you both are free to roam and explore, and guess who finds something better first? Guess who is looking for something better?

Give her all the freedom and time she wants and disappear from her life. Do your own thing without her and see what your future holds for you.

Reread this whole thing yourself, and tell me what you see, and explain exactly what it is you are trying to hold on to, because I see your inability to let go of a losing proposition biting you in the butt.

First off let me say all the advice you have given with this relationship has been great, so thank you. Everything you have said and just said ^^ have sounded completely logical. But, my heart is just telling me that I can't walk away and disappear from her life. Something on the inside tells me that would be mistake. Yes, it might end up hurting me in the end more but its something I think will be worth it, whether her and I end up friends or end up getting back together. Your asking me what I'm holding onto... I have known this girl for years and always, always have had feelings for her, even before we became official. She is just one of those people who comes into your life and changes it forever, the type of person you want to keep around, no matter what. So, yes I would love to call her my girlfriend again but if that doesn't happen, I'm always going to be her friend.

I can respect your feelings, I really can, but some proper healing time to let the emotional dust settle would give you both a better chance to be friends later, if its meant to be.