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    RedGhost89's Avatar
    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 27, 2010, 01:04 PM
    Mixed Signals
    Hey guys, I am actually new to this site so I guess I am going to ask away. I was just very recently seeing this girl I met awhile ago. We met in school and at the beginning of this semester we started to date around for fun. We were both having a good time. We had our fair share or arguments and disagreements, but who doesn't. She is an interesting girl too, she would send me mixed signals sometimes. For instance, we would hold hands and cuddle when she wanted too and kiss, etc. And just a few days ago, she said to me that doesn't think we are working out and she thinks we are two different people. This was a surprise to me, because we had just recently been on some wonderful dates, had a lot of fun. So one would think there would no reason for concern. After she said this to me, she text me a couple hours later saying "i hope you dont hate me" and I said "of course not, i wish you would think this thru a little more". Then she said "I have already decided". So after that point, which was 3 days ago, I decided to go to the absolute no contact rule. And so far I have said nothing to her and its actually very funny, because as I am righting this, she just text me asking me how my break is going. So, what should I do here.
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #2

    Nov 27, 2010, 02:01 PM
    Just say... "it's going great !" and tell her you are busy. That's it.
    RedGhost89's Avatar
    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 27, 2010, 03:42 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ironhide262 View Post
    Just say...."it's going great !" and tell her you are busy. That's it.
    Well you I realized that. But I actually meant with the whole situation...
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #4

    Nov 27, 2010, 03:57 PM

    You have to realize that nothing you do will changer her mind. If there was something you could do that would give you'se another shot you have to realize it wouldn't be sincere emotions.

    Going NC was a good idea,it gives her time to think and time for you to think as well. Your answer back to her depends on what you're looking for in a relationship with her. If you still want to be friends, or if you still want to date her.

    Obviously she doesn't want to date so friends are about all you can be. If you would like to remain friends then I would respond with something that reflects that, if friends aren't an option and you're looking for more complete NC is the way to go.

    However, my opinion on her actions are as follows. You both had fun on your dates, and the time you spent together. Her playing this little game, asking how your break up is etc... makes me think that was never serious about you and that she was along for the fun and the company. Don't take it personal, some people just like the company of another and the fun involved, no more no less.

    Can you look past this and just be friends? Can you stand to see her date another, can she stand to see you with another? Remaining friends after something like this is usually difficult because one party almost always wants more then the other. In this case, it sounds like she wants to be friends and you might want more.

    Can you deal with it?

    Hope this helps!


    P.S. If you remain friends, tell her the game has got to stop. When you break up with someone after 5 days or 5 years, you don't txt them asking how the breakup is going. That is rude and immature!
    RedGhost89's Avatar
    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 27, 2010, 04:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ITstudent2006 View Post
    You have to realize that nothing you do will changer her mind. If there was something you could do that would give you'se another shot you have to realize it wouldn't be sincere emotions.

    Going NC was a good idea,it gives her time to think and time for you to think as well. Your answer back to her depends on what you're looking for in a relationship with her. If you still want to be friends, or if you still want to date her.

    Obviously she doesn't want to date so friends are about all you can be. If you would like to remain friends then I would respond with something that reflects that, if friends aren't an option and you're looking for more complete NC is the way to go.

    However, my opinion on her actions are as follows. You both had fun on your dates, and the time you spent together. Her playing this little game, asking how your break up is etc...makes me think that was never serious about you and that she was along for the fun and the company. Don't take it personal, some people just like the company of another and the fun involved, no more no less.

    Can you look past this and just be friends? Can you stand to see her date another, can she stand to see you with another? Remaining friends after something like this is usually difficult because one party almost always wants more then the other. In this case, it sounds like she wants to be friends and you might want more.

    Can you deal with it?

    Hope this helps!


    P.S. If you remain friends, tell her the game has got to stop. When you break up with someone after 5 days or 5 years, you don't txt them asking how the breakup is going. That is rude and immature!
    She actually asked how my break from school was going, cause we have a couple days off from school for thanksgiving, not the break up. I should have said that in the post, sorry. But, I do agree with what you have to say though. In my opinion, I don't think she knows what she wants. She has been hurt in the past by her ex's. (Been cheated on, lied too, etc.) So I don't know if that's holding her back or what. Of course after a break up, being friends is a little hard but I could get used to it. And to be fully honest I kind of want to get back with her, but I don't mind doing my own thing for now. Any more suggestions would be much appreciated.
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #6

    Nov 27, 2010, 04:50 PM
    "what to do about the whole situation"?. she told you "I have already decided". Accept it!

    The biggest mistake you can make( and there have been plenty of stories on this forum that outline this) is going through this breakup with the idea that some day in the future you will get back together. It's all about moving on now and thinking about yourself. NO Contact means NO Contact... don't do it half a$$ed. You will just end up miserable and even more hurt.

    Most people that initiate breakups feel guilty about it and thus the text message.. too see how your doing... she may in some way also think that she can help you through the breakup if you are having a hard time. But, it doesn't mean that she wants to get back together.Don't fall for it!

    Everyone carries some baggage from the past. Ideally , people should have delt with all those issues before going onto the next relationship. But, sometimes it's not that simple and other times it is a BS line. However, there is no reason why someone can't be honest about why they want out of a relationship. I know it's hard but, like most people, you may never get a good reason as to why she felt she had to get out. Perhaps, after some time and perspective , you will come to some realization.

    My suggestion here... accept the breakup, don't wait for her, no contact, move on. When you feel like you can become friends ( which always takes more time than one thinks) call her up. About getting back together--- It will be up to her to initiate the moves to come back to you and there shouldn't be any mixed signals involved. Personally, I don't think anyone should go back to the person that dumped you... you were not good enough for her now... why would you be good enough for her in the future?
    RedGhost89's Avatar
    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 27, 2010, 05:01 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ironhide262 View Post
    "what to do about the whole situation"?....she told you "I have already decided". Accept it!

    The biggest mistake you can make( and there have been plenty of stories on this forum that outline this) is going through this breakup with the idea that some day in the future you will get back together. It's all about moving on now and thinking about yourself. NO Contact means NO Contact... don't do it half a$$ed. You will just end up miserable and even more hurt.

    Most people that initiate breakups feel guilty about it and thus the text message..too see how your doing....she may in some way also think that she can help you through the breakup if you are having a hard time. But, it doesn't mean that she wants to get back together.Don't fall for it!

    Everyone carries some baggage from the past. Ideally , people should have delt with all those issues before going onto the next relationship. But, sometimes it's not that simple and other times it is a BS line. However, there is no reason why someone can't be honest about why they want out of a relationship. I know it's hard but, like most people, you may never get a good reason as to why she felt she had to get out. Perhaps, after some time and perspective , you will come to some realization.

    My suggestion here.....accept the breakup, don't wait for her, no contact, move on. When you feel like you can become friends ( which always takes more time than one thinks) call her up. About getting back together--- It will be up to her to initiate the moves to come back to you and there shouldn't be any mixed signals involved. Personally, I don't think anyone should go back to the person that dumped you.....you were not good enough for her now....why would you be good enough for her in the future?
    Well said, well said. I guess the spooky thing is not knowing what's going to happen. The situation sucks, especially cause I said before that it came out of no where... for me at least. But I agree 100%. Its time to do me and only me. You want to know something funny too... when she text me to ask how I was doing, I though to myself "omg she might want me back" but I can't have that mind set. I have done that in the past and led me to nowhere.
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #8

    Nov 27, 2010, 05:38 PM
    Getting blindsided always sucks... believe me I know. But, this is the way life rolls sometimes and we have no choice other than roll with it. Everyone has something to teach you and as long as you don't ignore the lessons... you will come out better for it!

    It's natural to have those "she may want me back " feelings but, that is exactly why No Contact is a good strategy to help you get over her. You are going to have some ups and downs but, just keep moving on. WHEN GOING THROUGH HELL... KEEP GOING!

    Best of luck!
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    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Nov 27, 2010, 05:43 PM

    You man, tell me about it lol. I really like the advice your giving, its helping me a lot. You sound like you know what your talking about, glad I found this website lol. Btw what were some things you did to help you get through those hard times? Hope you don't mind me asking.
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #10

    Nov 27, 2010, 06:46 PM
    I kept as busy as I could. I hate to say it but, post break ups were some of the most productive times of my life. Why? Because it was about me now.

    I worked out... a lot. I went out with friends, guys and girls. Even though I wasn't ready to date other girls, I still went out and met other girls and hung out with them... gave me a confidence boost and nice list of phone numbers when I was ready to date. I also worked a lot, redefined my priorities. What did I want out of life, which direction did I want to go... was I happy with who I was, career, on and on. This was a time for me to reflect on a lot of things and to be honest about who I was.


    Don't get me wrong, I thought a lot about my ex and our relationship, still do but in a different way. I thought about my part in the break up too... not just hers. It's the only way to learn and grow. When I found that I was thinking about her too much I reached for my guitar... it really helped me just focus on something different. Other times, nothing really helped... you just have to work through the pain and know that it is best not just for you but, also for her that you just stay away.

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    youradvisor1 Posts: 31, Reputation: 12
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    #11

    Nov 27, 2010, 07:20 PM
    So I'm curious... did you ever text her back? I would have ignored the text. When you're living by the no contact rule you have to follow it to the letter even if the other person contacts you. Plus, by not responding you gain a sense of control and self-respect. She broke up with you so why the hell is she inquiring about your break? I mean seriously, you have nothing to gain as you only start to develop a glimmer of hope which really there is none. I'm sure you're a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you but for whatever reason she had to let go.

    You're in a vulnerable position and by having any words with her will only prolong the pain. The BEST way to let this one go is to continue living your life as you did before you met her. I always say it's best to rip a bandaid off quickly than slowly pull it off your skin. The pain may be excruciating at first but it subsides quicker than if you slowly peal it off. I like that analogy. Trust me, last year I got out of a 6 year relationship and I moved on much quicker than I expected by never talking to him, spending time with friends, going out, traveling, focusing on work, sleeping, relaxing and just doing things I really enjoyed doing. I won't lie, some vino and good meals out helped too. Sometimes you have to indulge. Remind yourself that you were whole before her and will be whole after her. It's amazing how the human mind dismisses the fact that we were able to get over someone in the past so why wouldn't the same hold true for this individual.

    No contact until you don't care whether you remain friends or not. That's how I can tell when I've truly moved on. Do I care if I ever see this person again or not. When you don't care what, how, or why they are doing something you are ready to be friends.
    RedGhost89's Avatar
    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Nov 27, 2010, 08:26 PM

    Yes I actually did text her back a little while later saying "heyy its good! you?" and she said "glad your good, time to study for my exam" and I said back "thanks :) and i have to study as well". That was the end of the conversation, nothing special. I thought it was nice of her to check on me or maybe it was her way of feeling less guilty over it haha. And I only rresponded out of respect. That's just how I am.

    Quote Originally Posted by youradvisor1 View Post
    So I'm curious...did you ever text her back? I would have ignored the text. When you're living by the no contact rule you have to follow it to the letter even if the other person contacts you. Plus, by not responding you gain a sense of control and self-respect. She broke up with you so why the hell is she inquiring about your break? I mean seriously, you have nothing to gain as you only start to develop a glimmer of hope which really there is none. I'm sure you're a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you but for whatever reason she had to let go.

    You're in a vulnerable position and by having any words with her will only prolong the pain. The BEST way to let this one go is to continue living your life as you did before you met her. I always say it's best to rip a bandaid off quickly than slowly pull it off your skin. The pain may be excruciating at first but it subsides quicker than if you slowly peal it off. I like that analogy. Trust me, last year I got out of a 6 year relationship and I moved on much quicker than I expected by never talking to him, spending time with friends, going out, traveling, focusing on work, sleeping, relaxing and just doing things I really enjoyed doing. I won't lie, some vino and good meals out helped too. Sometimes you have to indulge. Remind yourself that you were whole before her and will be whole after her. It's amazing how the human mind dismisses the fact that we were able to get over someone in the past so why wouldn't the same hold true for this individual.

    No contact until you don't care whether you remain friends or not. That's how I can tell when I've truly moved on. Do I care if I ever see this person again or not. When you don't care what, how, or why they are doing something you are ready to be freinds.
    And as I said before also, that text she sent gave me a little incentive to think she wants me back so you your right, I am vulnerable right now. It's a little hard in my shoes, just cause she is in 2 of my classes, so Im going to have to eventually see her.
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #13

    Nov 28, 2010, 10:05 PM

    Keep us posted!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,303, Reputation: 10854
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    #14

    Nov 29, 2010, 10:17 AM

    What throws us off in the early dating days is the acting like a couple, and wanting more. Yeah its fun, and thrilling, but sure is confusing when it doesn't happen. I think we all fall into that trap, but after we get our head back into reality, you may find a nice friend. But that's only after a proper healing time.

    Disappointing yes, but by no means a big deal, as it was fun while it lasted, but that's a memory, and should be a pleasant one going forward. The important lesson to learn, is how YOU cope with your own feelings, be it disappointment after a rejection, or a surprise event, that life throws at you out of the blue.
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    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Nov 29, 2010, 06:16 PM

    I'll tell you guys, I saw her today at school and o my goodness. She is in 2 of my classes, I tried saying hello in the first class and she acted pretty immature and then in the second class she wouldn't even acknowledge me, sitting a couple rows in front of me. And after that class, I saw her with some of our mutual friends, talked to them and she didn't even bother glancing at me. Talk about maturity... not! Funny how some people handle a post break-up, like Im a ghost.
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    talaniman Posts: 54,303, Reputation: 10854
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    #16

    Nov 30, 2010, 06:39 AM

    Don't let her actions throw you off, just keep it real for yourself, and go about your business, and leave hers alone.
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    RedGhost89 Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Nov 30, 2010, 10:19 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Don't let her actions throw you off, just keep it real for yourself, and go about your business, and leave hers alone.
    Ya that's true, its hard though. I know you know what its like. I woke up this morning and was just like blahhhh, I was so close to reaching to the phone and calling her. I know what I have to do to overcome this but I haven't really been through a break up like this so I am a little confused.

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