Dear Reader:

Hello. This is might end up as a very long post, thank you in advance for continuing to read. I'm new to this forum, and what brought me here was a recent break-up. I'm having a hard time coping because I got dumped; and in the end the blame was on me. But first, some things about myself, I'm a 23 year old male who graduated from a university 7 months ago. I was lucky to get hired right away, doing something I like, but I had to move to a small town to work. I live in pretty much a retirement community, renting a large room to myself in a house.

It's hard for me to gather my thoughts to write because I don't know where to begin, and whether I will be able to accept the feedback that anyone would be so kindly to give. I'm having second thoughts because I feel guilty and ashamed.

But I guess I'm just going to say it, I slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend, who eventually broke my heart 3 days ago. In a way I'm here to be judged, but I don't want to be, I know there are so many questions for me to answer, ultimately Why? I can't answer that right now, but I can talk a bit more about the past.

We all met our first year in college, he was my roommate; we all lived in the same dorm. After that it was just sound bites and blur. I still don't know much about their relationship, but it lasted 3 years, along the way they broke up a couple times and I was their to support my best friend, I knew that she was his first girlfriend, first everything, and so I gave him the Good advice, advice from my experiences, advice we find on the Internet. I lived with him our last year in college, and it was then when everything changed.

I don't know what happened but they stopped talking, they were in the no contact period, and that's when she started chatting with me. The thing is, we've always chatted online with each other, but this time it was different. But skipping the questions, I did what I did and what happened next, they got back together. That took me off guard and I realized I was disturbed and anxious about my Feelings, so I tried, please believe me I tried to suppress them, I tried to ignore them, I wrote so many letters that no one will ever get to release myself but it didn't work, I had no one to talk to but her, and so I did. I was honest and open,

I even spoke about the Future. I was having a hard time because I started to Feel something, so I spoke to a Stranger, a completely stranger; that was the first person I let know about what happened, and he encouraged me to just tell my friend.

And just as I was rushing home to tell him... she texted me, saying we need to talk, and I took it as a Sign. She told me that we'd talk more about this and work through it together and if we were to tell him, we'd do it together, and that we all cared for each other, but as the days went by, having to seen them together, I was going insane, and so I told her one night, I can't take it.

She ended things with him shortly but explained to me that she didn't do it for me, it was unfair to my friend and her, all of us really. There was peace for a while until I guess she and I started missing each other, the word missing is the wrong word, but I'm using it anyway. We started sneaking out, hanging out, and I realized I wanted to be with her.

Fast forward, we graduated, I still haven't told my friend, and I was trying my best to stay with her; I moved, our relationship turned into a long distance one, and that's when she started to pull away. She called me several times, trying to leave me, but I would manage to have her stay, then one night she got so mad at me about still being friends with her ex, and I panicked, and told him what happened the next day. She was mad that I did that because, for one, I didn't tell her first, and two, it took away hope for her to ever get back with my friend. So let's skip the questions, I managed to continue a relationship with her. We did a lot during our LDR, but more times than enough, she tried to break up with me but I didn't let that happen and managed to continue again and again, until she told me that she was dating me out of pity because she knows that I would be hurt otherwise, and that it was convenient, and that she has no feelings for me, that she does not love me, and does not want me... and still, I managed to be with her after she told me that... but a month passed, a new year began, and she destroyed me by saying all that she has said and included that she resents me, that she blames me for not letting her have what she wanted, that I got in the way of her relationship, that I was selfish, and concluded with "I don't want a relationship with you."

I didn't manage to get her to change her tone of voice, it's silly because it's sort of an indicator of Hope; her voice wasn't soft anymore... my last plea the morning after was to go see her, she refused, I asked again, she refused, and kindly muttered she needed Space. The thing is, I fell in love with her a long long time ago, and for the things I can do, I do it, but Space right now is hard to give... because "if you love me you'd let me go," but I don't want to let go.

Please excuse me if this is confusing because I feel lost in all this. I miss her, I haven't seen her since Christmas weekend. Throughout the months, I've talked to a lot of people, I've confessed, I've admitted, and for the most part, I've been honest and open with her... and I Understand, but I'm still a little boy and I don't want to Accept, I don't understand... but I know that deep inside, I want to accept because it's the Right thing to do, I Wronged two Friends...

I'm going to stop soon because it hurts to write. I am Thinking so much, as I always do, and there were and are so many Scenarios and I don't like the one I'm in because it's tough. But I need to Forgive myself, because that's all I can do, I can't force her to forgive me, but that's what I want... I must Learn to move on... but I keep going back and forth, one moment I Can Do It, and another moment I Want to call her...

Reading articles online help, and talking to the people I can talk to helps, but eventually, I have to help myself, I'm just not there yet... and it makes me anxious because I want to know if I will ever talk to her again, or see her again, I mean I want to see her, I want to talk to her, and I want her in my life but I want her a certain way, and I don't want her to be mad at me, I don't want her to hate me... I want a Chance, a real chance...

But what's wrong is I'm using too many "I's," and I need to stop being Selfish... but my Heart is torn in a million ways...

I'm just Reaching out in every way possible because I'm Drowning. The silly thing is I don't know how to swim.

There are a lot of things I can't include in this post because it's literally Endless. I have so many letters written on my hard drive, so many draft emails, so many entries in a journal... and now I guess I'm trying to have an open discussion with people on the Internet.

But let me try to live a little in the moment, I joined a gym last night, I'm eating snack a day, I'm thinking about visiting a Church, I have a therapist, and it's only been 3 days since what has happened.

I'm trapped with my own thoughts, and maybe that's a good thing, no one is going to find me, I need to find myself, in the end I'm in the driver seat... and I'm sad because I can say what I need to do, but it's not what you say it's what you do, and that's so true, if I loved her, if I loved my friend, I wouldn't have done anything... and now I'm given another chance to make that decision, and what is Right is to not do anything.

To solve this problem, I have to not solve this problem.

And the weird thing is, I'm obsessed about Puzzles, Logic, Game Theory etc..

Neckercube,

Okay, first in my opinon you have taken all the responsibility out of your hands for putting yourself out there to find your own darn girlfriend. You have put all your feelings into this relationship with this girl, because she was convienent, you knew her, her likes/dislikes, you made it real easy for yourself, why put yourself out there and actually have to find all this information out for yourself when your FRIENDS girl who is very familuar to you is hitting on you.

You are living proof of what goes around comes back around, you cheated with your friends girl--you should have said NO<NO<NO.
If she would cheat on him, you should have know she would cheat on you. Come on who the heck what's a woman that basically tells you she is only meeting up with you out pity----which I don't really believe, its just that you're an easy TARGET for her!!

You need grab a hold of those two pieces of anatomy you obviously threw away awhile back with her, and start acting like a grown man. First you need to find a job in a town or city that isn't full of retired people. You finally need to put yourself out there and find YOUR own woman. Need to take the risk like everyone else!! Stop thinking that this woman is yours because she isn't, she is nothing more then well I really can't think of a descent word to say, so I won't say anything.

You need to stop stalking her, because that is what this is turning into. You are so lonely, you are not really seeing all her faults, that's nothing but make believe!! Don't you want a lady of your own, that will love you and be with you to establish a relationship with a possible future!

Also I think you need to get some counseling, you have let this become such an obsession, that you need someone that you can talk to face -face. This person will be able to help you move forward, to expand your life. Don't wait get ahold of your job see if they have assistance for counseling.

Keep us posted on your progress--take care

Dear Cube, you really need to learn how to summarize. Your Reader isn't there feeling all this and to tell you the truth it isn't easy slogging through this story: 2 male roommates, one with GF, she cools towards him and warms towards you, you told her your feelings, she basically wasn't so sure about either one of you, but dated you out of convenience. She TOLD you when she broke up with him (sort of) that it wasn't for your benefit, but you wouldn't give up.

'then one night she got so mad at me about still being friends with her ex.. ' What? There's not much I can stand less than someone who wants me to stay away from an EX! Double awful, she's not in love with you! She has no right at all at all at all.

'and I panicked, and told him what happened the next day. She was mad that I did that because, for one, I didn't tell her first' She has no right. You were his friend first, and it seems, last.
'and two, it took away hope for her to ever get back with my friend.' Again, she has no right to play you against him.

I don't like her one bit. Snap out of it. LDRs rarely work out anyway.

Well, My first word I'm going to say to you is "Wow" And I say that because you have no idea how much of my feelings I can relate to your story. I know, Moving on kind of sucks. It's usually not something we want to do willingly. In this case, you sort of WANT to move on because you know it's wrong and that you have wronged both of the people you love by doing so, but you don't want to move on, at the same time because your heart see's past your eyes. In other words, You KNOW it's wrong to keep going, but your heart knows what it wants you you won't want to lose that. But the truth in the matter is, (and this may sting a little)... she's over you. (O.<") I'm soo sorry...I hate telling people that, but I know what it's like to lose someone love and want them back SOO badly, but you know that it's not possible. But think of it this way...There was a point that she did love you...and what you need to do is keep that close to your heart and use that to open your eyes and realize that there is another personout there that, if given the chance, can love you like you love your ex. Time heals all woons. (Can't spell that well) And Yes! Go places, join things, be APART of sivalization...Meet people, get to know people, and TRUELY get to know them, find their hearts and don't let go. It is better to have loved thnn to have never loved at all. (Pretty sure that's how that saying goes...but it makes sence none the less.) Now where you live...you probably won't want to "Meet" people there, considering they're all probably old enough to be your grandparents. ;) But all I'm saying is, I know it hurts, but love is never lost, she'll never forget you and your time together, and if you give her the space she is asking for, maybe you can save the friendship between the both of you.. . Hope that helped. :)

Comment on joypulv's post

Wow, That was kind of harsh. But yes other then the fact that he needs to summerize (lol) I agree with you, She doesn't seem like she really knows what's going one. Maybe the space she needs, is for her to think everything out. She sounds confused.

joypulv: Thank you for reading through my post. I do need to learn how to summarize because that's one of my weak points, when she was telling me off, she pretty much jabbed at all my weak points, saying for one I need to get to the point when I talk, and I go on and on about details... every one that I've talked to says she has no right and that she is not taking responsibility for her actions, I understand this, but I also understand her point of view :( I do have to snap out of this, I keep on going back and forth between feeling all right and implementing all advice, but then I feel like not giving up... you're right, I wouldn't give up, and I feel like calling her to ask her out, and if it works out I'd be fine for a few more days or weeks, if she doesn't want to, I am afraid I'll sabotage myself by making it worst.

answerme_tender: Thank you for reading through my long post. You are right, she and I were not strangers. And she knew how to talk to me and I knew how to talk to her. And I feel horrible that it's true, this is all coming right back at me, and what's even crazier... 5 years ago, I slept with my ex's best friend... and things played out in a similar manner, but the roles have changed... I'm on my knees... I'm so sorry, but I can't change the past... and I am aware of my obsessive behavior, and I have a lot of other issues that makes things difficult, I can only apologize for writing the way I do, and my habits because I don't mean to be this way I really don't, I wish someone would understand... but, I feel like no one ever will... and I actually have a session with my therapist in an hour... and to be honest, it's like paying for a Friend. PS: I can't switch jobs I worked hard to get here, but eventually I can change locations, so that's for hope.

To be a bit blunt, I hope you have gotten at least some of the self-pity out.

You made some mistakes. You aren't the only one. She could have made better judgment calls than to use one friend to stay close to an ex. Both of you were selfish at times. So stop hogging all the blame.

Time to be a bit more selfish in a different way. Go No Contact and have absolutely nothing to do with her. Delete ALL forms of contact or ways that you have to see what she might be doing including FaceBook, MySpace, Twitter, email, phone numbers, etc. Make it harder to contact her or anyone who can tell you about her.

Embrace your new location. Learn about it and the people who live there. Get involved in the community. You might surprise yourself and meet a lot of new friends. Learn a new hobby or pick up an old one. Stop living in the past. Keep busy mentally and physically and it will help you lose interest in thinking about her.

You ran head first into a brick wall, and now that you know life and reality is tougher than you, and your hard head, you can forgive yourself , learn from your mistakes, and do better for yourself. Eventually if you get busy rebuilding your life you will have put this in the past.

Just don't forget, give YOURSELF the same PATIENCE, and PERSISTENCE you gave this relationship. Do that, and you will heal, and be smarter, and wiser.

Comment on Cat1864's post

When I drift into positive thinking, I think about deactivating my Facebook and handing it over to my Sister; MySpace is trickier because I have my journal on their, I have posts since 2005... shows how I hold onto the past... and ah typos bug me; I'm thinking of copy and pasting all entries into a word processor which will take a long time but I just can't let go; among the entries are entries I made back in March when everything started...

I did bash you (Cher slapping Cage in Moonstruck) a bit, sorry. I forgot to add: you did not 'wrong two friends' and you have nothing to forgive yourself for nor be forgiven for. She was losing interest in him when you became interested in her. She didn't break up with him over you. She waffled with both of you and you are blaming yourself. You will be a lot freer of all this when you stop that. We have all (well, most of us) had to suffer through unrequited love. Do sudokus or something until you heal.

Thank you all for your comments, they really help. But I'm finding that I am having to constantly be reminded of all the advice I've been given in order to Sustain myself; the worst time is at night, when I'm in bed alone with my thoughts, it's so tiring, and I hate that I Cry. I start bad reasoning with myself, like I'll just call and act normal because it's okay, right? Then I start bargaining, this Saturday I have to call or else it's too late... for what? I'm afraid I'm going to get fired too because I'm being really unproductive... I just want to read and write all the time, and when I'm not, I just want to talk to a Friend that I don't have really, or her, and so I call my sister and she can't help me because she lives far away and she's stressed herself and doesn't know what to say or do which makes it worst because I want a real person to understand me; I'm upset that she has to do this... and her last words were actually "see you later," what happened last Saturday morning when I asked if I could see her and she refused saying she needed space, I went to a beach I've never visited before and I stayed there for a while, walking, crying, sitting, I took pictures if that cheers anyone up, but when I was leaving she "accidentally" texts me her plans to go out with friends, then texts back saying she was trying to text her friend; I didn't reply, so later that night she called and said she is calling to see if I made it home safely... that was nice of her, so I thanked her and mentioned I was at the beach and she said well she was going to see her grandma...

I'm sorry I'm going around in circles, I really want to call her...

My talk with my therapist always ends with a cliffhanger that I am uncomfortable with, there is so much to talk about, 1 hour is not enough...

And now I feel like checking Facebook for no reason...

LISTEN
She never loved you.
She did love him.
You were only a rebound guy.
She never pretended to love you.
You were just convenient while she tried to get back together with him.
She likes you OK, tries to be nice to you, and maybe cares about you hurting yourself (I hope you haven't implied any of that to her) but uses you still, and maybe even enjoys your infatuation, until it gets annoying, and it only makes things worse.

You have a strange way of not caring that she doesn't love or want you. It reminds me of how a kidnapper expects to train the person he kidnapped to love him.
You have a strange way of needing to think you are guilty of things when you aren't.
You have a strange way of sidestepping basic issues to go on and on about stuff that sorry to say are not cliffhangers at all. (A good therapist doesn't sit there listening (and getting paid) day in and day out; he or she starts a plan of action for you.)

Here's how it works: You get dumped. You are hurt. Hurt is supposed to lead to anger. What's so wrong with me, you eventually say? Maybe she wasn't so wonderful after all. Then you heal. You do this with the help of friends. Friends are people who tell you all the reasons you can do better with someone else. I tried to do that by picking out some awful things she said and did, and you don't want to hear it.
Get ANGRY. Or, keep suffering and paying a therapist.

Keep going to th therapists, because you seem to have regressed into a self pitying, needy, emotional mess. While we all have been through the same thing, and felt the same thing, yours is more like a junkie needing a fix, than a healing, and learning to fill the hole in your soul.

That's because you have isolated yourself to the point of having NO HEALTHY outlets for your hurt. Get to a gym fellow, and get all that negative out of you. Be with people who are doing things around you. Go to a mall, and plan a brand new wardrobe. Volunteer at a place that helps those in worse situations than yours. You need a friend, first you have to be one, because they just don't magically appear.

I have made this speech to many who come here, and will to many more God willing, and the message is always get busy off your lazy a$$, and be better from healing by working to accomplish something, even something small. To sit and feel bad is a dumb option, and not a healthy one.

No more oh woe is me excuses, just get busy. Life throws us all curves, and reverses, and obstacles in the way of our pursuit for happiness, it's a norm, and we have to deal with them in healthy, positive, creative ways. So do something besides allow yourself to suffer.

Read the stickies, they are full of ideas, insights, and inspiration. What!? You think you are the only one to ever lose a love, SHHHHHHESH! Some of us have lost a few, and still living life to the fullest. Now stop making this harder than it needs to be, by getting BUSY, right freakin' NOW!!

Listen, a lot of us on this site have been also experienced being thrown away for whatever reason. All of us can verify that we all felt at the time that we would never get over these painful feelings and live a normal life. However, I am a witness that you will get over this and you will move on. Its not something that will happen right away, but its like anything you cannot sit on your backside and expect a miracle to happen, getting over this is like anything in life, it takes hard work.

Its up to you, continue counseling, also for the love of Pete, stop all this self destruction, goodness you have stopped being a individual and are acting like a self-pitying puss. The reason you do that so much, is because you needed to make it convien for yourself that you were blame for all that is going wrong, otherwise you would have realized earlier that she was NOT the good woman you have buildt her up to be!!

So get out, JUST GET OUT!! You need to WORK OUT until you have worn yourself out enough to actually sleep when you get home, and stop worrying about how you haven't kissed HER BACKSIDE for the day!! Take care

Take proactive steps.

Get rid of her phone number. DO NOT communicate with her in any way.

Communicate with the people around you. Make new friends instead of crying about the ones you don't have.

Are you into photography? Join a club. You like to write. Start writing other people's stories. You are in a retirement community that probably abounds with interesting people with amazing experiences. Visit new places like the beach. Take pictures and write about it.

You said that you like what you are doing. Put your thoughts and energy into being productive. If possible learn more about what you are doing. Expand your knowledge.

Instead of thinking about her, change the channel. Think about what you have accomplished during the day. Plan for the next day.

You say that your sessions with your therapist end in 'cliff-hangers'. Is that because of your therapist or because you are afraid to dive off the cliff into a new life? Are you clinging to 'her' or the life you knew? Being scared of the future and major change is fairly common and quite normal. You can help yourself let the fear go by giving yourself hobbies and activities that will stay with you through relationships, jobs and moves. Build a healthy relationship with yourself. Clinging to other people for security usually doesn't work well because even the most stable person cannot always be there.

I'm upset that she resorted to saying all those hurtful things but you all are right, I'm having a hard time getting Angry. Last night I couldn't sleep, so I started writing and wrote down all my feelings until I was exhausted. At one point I thought about getting angry, and calling her to tell her to give me back my spare cell phone she is using, and tell her how she is mean, but that would break NC rules, and telling her how I feel would give her more Power, I even thought about taking all the letters she has written me and cards and rip them in pieces in front of her, but that would give her more Power, I want to destroy a gift I made her because I'm ashamed of making it... but honestly, I want her to Change, I admit it, I want her to Change her mind, I want her to say sorry, I want to know if she really meant certain things, and if she has any more to say because I don't get it... I want her to tell me again that she used me, I want to ask her questions... but I am afraid she will be mean and say she doesn't want to talk, her attitude changed completely, and I want to know why... I want to know if she did this on purpose, if all she wanted was revenge because that would hopefully make me mad... in my angriest thoughts, I thought about calling my friend, I miss him too, I haven't talked to him since last August, and when we did talk a month after I told him what happened, we actually hung out for an entire day, drank, and actually, he spent my last day in town with me before I moved out; and I keep on thinking I'm going to have to break the rules and call her and then I remember it's not the right thing to do; I am afraid of when she decides to mess with me on Facebook, so again, I am working to disable that but I am weak, and I can't do it just yet, I have to know she hates me, and that she was being evil... and I want her to apologize or I am going to get angry and this thing is going to be thrown out of proportion... one thing I haven't let you all know yet is I had a bad break up junior year in high school, and what happened was I got dumped when I was in Hawaii and was so far from Home... I spent two weeks freaking out, and I freaked out, and I was suicidal and when I got Home my Life changed because I couldn't face high school, I couldn't leave her alone because I was alone and so I dropped out for 3 months and eventually switched high schools, it's amazing that I even made it into a university, but the thing is, it took me 5 years to get over what happened, I've been off and on medication, and I got back on medication ever since what happened with my friend and this girl... I realized that a big life change like switching high schools helped, but I can't just switch high schools because it's not high school any more, it's Life. And the thing is... I know I need to Learn to get over this if I want a normal Future because I am only 23... I know I am self pitying myself, but it's like I don't have control, like right now, I'm at work and all I can do is write and if I don't I am checking Facebook for no reason and I am getting work done, the thing is, I am highly efficient, I can get things done but this, this is such an obstacle I feel like the only way to... to move on is to drive her out of my life because right now I am keeping her... but I keep drifting back and forth, feeling calm, thinking yes, I have to get over this to prove to myself that I am not a piece of crap, that I am Growing, Maturing, that I have Self Control, that I want to be... Happy... and that's another thing, I've been fighting Depression and Anxiety for over 10 years, and I hate myself because eventually, with every one I get close to... they will find out there's something different about me and I am not at my best at times and I don't mean to, I don't want to be Sad... so yes, I have to Change for myself and every one has told me that, even she has said that to me, I have to Change because if I don't, I am going to continue having problems in future relationships and I can say it, I can explain it, but... I'm Exhausted...

... and I can go on and talk about my upbringing, and my past experiences and analyze everything because I do that... I majored in psychology.. and accounting... but I'm doing marketing... my thoughts are all over the place, I have had so many different explanations on why I'm like this, how my Mom raised me, and my Sister treated me, my Dad not being Dad... crap like that, that I need to get over, but I'm sad because I have to do it all Now...

I feel like breaking no contact tonight... I want to know how she is feeling but I am afraid she might attack me again; please give me Strength, I admit, I have so much false hope and I want to get rid of it, but I feel like only she can get rid of it and I won't understand, I just won't... when I called her the morning after our break up she said she would be very very mad if I showed up at her place... I feel like doing that just because I am powerless... but people are right, I'm not ready for that, I'm not ready to do anything, I'm still hurt, and until I stop hurting, then I am able to do something, or maybe realize I don't need to do anything... but I'm foolish... there's like two of Me one that is a Fool and the other... I don't know what I am saying... I understand the concept of not being ready because I am wounded... and I was given several perspectives and the one I keep thinking about is how I don't know how to Swim and I need to Learn, because I am Drowning, and I am reaching out, panicking, trying to stay afloat but I am sinking, but I managed to make it back to my Boat, but I want to be in her boat and they only way to get to her is to swim but I really don't know how to swim and so I need to practice... but I just want to jump head first into the water and if I make it I make it, and if I start drowning I'll drown, but staying here watching every single boat not just hers so far away... I need to learn to appreciate my boat, at least I have one right? Even though the sails are worn and the deck is a mess and the hull is cracking, I'm no longer traveling a River because it has emptied into the Ocean... I'm afraid, there is Fog, and... I don't know what I am doing...

Listen I had one hell of an up bringing, and I can guarantee you that most wouldn't have made it through alive let alone still being able to function in life. So stop your darn dwelling on this woman. So you call her and you tell her off or you beg her or you ask her questions, bottom line is YOU WANT CONTROL OF SITUATION!!

You are NEVER going to have CONTROL of this--PERIOD!! There will be no justification, or satisfaction, and most of all she will NEVER CHANGE HER MIND!!

I understand that with your up bringing not being in control, that you probably have told yourself that you would always strive to have that in future and here comes this woman and takes all that away from you. Well there is no turning back, so lets STOP TRYING too. Start getting your backside together focus on your job and your life NOT HERS. STOP ALL CONTACT. Change your cell phone number and don't give it out to anyone who will give it to her. Stop all service to the extra cell phone also, you owe her nothing and that includes any explanation as to why you shut off service, remember you should have already changed cell phone number so she can't get ahold of you!!

You are only 23yrs, its time to learn to get that control back. You need to stop dwelling, and like its be suggested get out and work out till you are just about to drop then go home and sleep. I don't care if you have to physically work out every hour that you don't have to work, keep it doing it until you have control over this dwelling crap.

... it makes me Sad to think about not ever seeing her again... I wish I'd wake up tomorrow and not have to think about NC... I'm sorry.

Haven't you figured out that all your life lessons are pointing you in one direction,

Learn to love yourself, and all the other crap will be meaningless, and temporary.
Learn to love yourself despite any other crap you go through.
Learn to love yourself, when no one else does.
Learn to love yourself, because then you will take care of yourself.
Learn to love yourself, so you will so you will be good to yourself when life isn't.
Learn to love yourself, so you will know what's right for you
Learn to love yourself, so you will know when others are not for you.
Learn to love yourself, so you keep going to be better and happy with yourself.
Learn to love yourself, so that you can let go of the poison, and heal.
Learn to love yourself, so that you know what makes you happy, and how to go about it.
Learn to love yourself, so that you can deal with whatever life throws at you.
Learn to love yourself, so you are grateful just being alive and having another chance to be happy.
Learn to love yourself, so that you know its okay to be angry when you are not treated right.
Learn to love yourself, so that when you are angry, you know what to do about it.
Learn to love yourself, so past failures and mistakes don't bring you down.
Learn to love yourself, so you don't turn pity on yourself, but can pray for others.
Learn to love yourself, so have something good to share with others.
Learn to love yourself, so that you appreciate the opportunities, and options you have.

Are you sort of getting where I'm coming from? Then you can pity the poor fools that reject you, and know you're a great person, and can pray for them to someday be happy, as you are. Doesn't matter where you came from, or where your going, what your flaws are. You are the only one to be able to love yourself, and that's the lesson of all the growing pains, and trials, and tribulations you go through. Love yourself so you can share that love with others. No you can't hold it close for yourself, you have to share it to keep it. So don't let some girl, or intense feelings stop you from loving yourself. Look at the face in the mirror and tell him you love him, and promise to do right by him all the time, and then DO IT!! Fake it until you make it!! Every day.

HARSHNESS WARNING

Well that has got to be one of the most interesting of reads I've read in a while. I felt like a little red ball being bounced around a round room.

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I'm no longer traveling a River because it has emptied into the Ocean... I'm afraid, there is Fog, and... I don't know what I am doing...

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Really? You don't say.

Honestly.. grow a set. You screwed up. She screwed up. She dosen't give one iota what you do, think, feel, share, write, read or breath. And you're the muppet wallowing in the biggest pool of self pity.. oh woah's me.

All I see is "I Want".. all I read is a petty selfish little man who is the making of your own failure.

You had it hard. Life hasn't been kind to you. Family life was crap and the guy whose friends with a friend of a friend who knows someone doesn't like me.

Dude grow up! So you have blogs and memoirs and whatever on Facebook so want to keep a hold of them.. save them and back them up - then you can carry them with you for life. Or until it breaks.. brace yourself for that rollercoaster. Stop making excuses. You've got the self pity down, lets work on something small and trivial.. like taking ownership of yourself. Really. You. Taking control of your own actions and life. It should be refreshing to know that you can actually breath out there.. oh and live. :eek:

ALL of the above posters have given you THE most sound advice.. but it's like you don't even read what it is they're saying. You respond in your own storybook tell tale. So don't sleep, don't eat, cry yourself into a corner while you take the 'please feel sorry for me' crap, she's living life and loving every second of it. You are nothing but an inconsequential that happened.

Take your pills pay the therapist and move on. The self pity will wear thin. GET OFF THE ROUNDABOUT.

... I'm going to contact her tonight... to surrender my hidden agenda with no contact... no matter what she cannot accept me, and I can't really accept her... but I do miss her... so I guess that's my plan...

And how will this help you? Burning her possessions would be a better outlet for anger, so would a gym. Write down everything you want to say and burn that too, heck get some marshmellows and a few friends and make a party out of it!

Don't even think of contacting her and coming back here crying!!

I do plan on going to the gym here for the first time tonight, I can't burn her stuff... but I've already boxed everything... and I am working with a friend to deactivate my Facebook at least because I can't block her

Thank you talaniman, I am going to copy and save what you wrote because that's what I do, I hold onto things... but it's encouraged me to Heal.

Man, let me tell you, when you stop holding on to things, and put the past in a box, and away in a closet, and look forward, all the options, and opportunities to be happy will boggle your mind. Its not an overnight event, more a process, but you will be pleasantly surprised.

You know, to be honest, I am grateful to all my exes for dumping me, so I could meet my now wife of more than three decades, and make no mistake, it sucked to get dumped for every time, but it turned out to be well worth the misery, and pain to learn to be a good human that's appreciated.

Don't give up on yourself, you will get there.

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mystific finds this helpful : have you been cloned yet? :)

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Yes, I have kids, who have kids themselves. We clone the old fashion way in my family. :) :D

At the end of work today I had two foolish ideas, the first was to Google "girlfriend back from vacation space" and I came across the dreaded answer that she might have cheated... I was thinking about this ever since she made plans for new years without me, and it was hard to get over but I did because I read someone's comment about Trust and we cannot control what our partner does, if they want to cheat they will cheat and all you can do is accept that her actions are out of your control... but it still bothers me, she stayed an extra day in NY and hung out with some guys or was it a guy I don't know, it seems like in any case where a girlfriend comes back from vacation and she's acting distant and not excited to see her boyfriend, something is wrong and when she refuses to meet up, it is highly possible she did something wrong... but what am I talking about, I want to know the truth but I know I can't handle the truth, but I'm so curious its bugging me... so the next foolish thing I did was breaking NC, if I were forced to eat Sh*t whenever I break NC maybe I wouldn't have done it, I say maybe because I feel like I still would, I'm ashamed for saying that butthats what I am thinking... so I called and she didn't pick up and I became anxious so I packed for the gym and she called back and my reason for calling was to see how she was doing and to small talk into figuring out her schedule... she's going to Vegas for the nth time this weekend and I'm used to it, but her going to vegas reminds me about the time I helped her because she got her phone and wallet purse stolen by some guys she was flirting with... that's how she has my spare phone... I ended up asking her about her plans for next week, I want to see her and I'm going to try to see her, after that maybe my mind would finally rest but I don't know what she's thinking, she's a sorority girl, a Libra, so she bear the habit of promiscuity and she's an only child and I'm sad because my friend warned me about how hard it is to be with her.. but what am I talking about.. she just gave me a little hope which sucks because yes its making me feel better but she's never going to call me and I think she's already talking to another guy.. and I just want to know even though it does me no good to know... but the good news the gym helped a lot hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Harsh warning::::::

Hello, anyone home here---are you reading anything that anyone is posting for suggestions here!!

Why did you come on this site for advice, when all you do is exactly what you want like break NO contact, and then come back and write a book on why you contaced her and how you again feel like an A**!!

I wish you luck in life. You keep saying that you are searching for answers especially from her, but once again, SHE HAS TOLD YOU, and TOLD YOU but you Don't LISTEN. Its not the answer you want to hear,so it like you completely block it out and still come back with same line that you are searching for explanation as to why!! Perhaps you because you haven't FORCED yourself to step back and really read what your are writing, but then why would I expect that, because you haven't truly accepted anything that we have suggested.

Maybe when it comes to her all your doing is hearing and NOT LISTENING!! There is a difference, just like a difference between reading the words and comprehending them!!

When I first read your post, I thought wow this guy really got screwed over, but you know I am thinking this woman probably gave as much as she possible could without you completely sucking her dry!! Because once again, you want totally control to point of smothering her! YOu may think differently, that you did everything she wanted and for her, but did you ever really listen and comprehend. Did you ever stop re-asking and re-asking and re-asking WHY and just ACCEPT the simple answer you were given!!

People eventually tell me what you're telling me, all I can do is apologize; I don't take advice for granted, and I appreciate all and any support in my life because people usually end up frustrated and I really don't mean to... I wish I were different... and in the case of the girl I'm talking about... I can do what I can do but there's one thing I can't do, or couldn't do and that is change the past, that's why I don't blame, I don't really argue, it doesn't matter if I win because I see things win-win and win-lose communication will never work... a far as listening, I listen when I can... throughout our relationship she has commented on what she liked about me, maybe she was Labeling... maybe she was lying to make me feel better, but she said she liked that I Listen and that I give her Space. My head is leaning toward the labeling technique of persuasion, she said that about me so that I would think that and do more of it... I support her and she knows that... and again maybe she is just being nice but she said I have some qualities that are hard to come by, and that's what her Mom said too... but there's a But... I know my weaknesses, I knew them ever since I was a teen that something is a little different in my head... and I'm sorry, it's not Normal, and one ex asked me, why can't I be Normal... and I frustrate myself for self-pitying... I was told at a young age that I will have a hard time with forming relationships and I didn't understand that until I grew up a little... I'm not going to say who told me that or kept on telling me that, but it's really affecting me now...

I recognize your need to vent your feelings, and really that's what we do here, so vent away, because while we give advice, whether you follow it is up to you. Now that's not to say that reading your posts is not frustrating to others, and you should expect harsh comments, but vent away, as I realize at this time you have few outlets, or interactions to do so.

Your desired results, and outcomes may not be apparent NOW, but will be latter.

... that's exactly what's going on... and I'm just sad because things are this way... I just feel like this is a big Loss... I was feeling a little better this morning but then now I'm burning and crashing... the very first stranger I confessed to ever since everything happened once told me how he crashes and burns, and I was an entirely different person back then, I commented that if we look at whatever situation we're in, be it relationships, and we see ourselves in a plane and things seem fine but then something fails and we start to spiral down from the sky and that maybe we forgot the parachute so we can't just bail even though we might be an avid skydiver, he was an avid skydiver, so we crash in the middle of a desert and we're disoriented, lucky we are still conscious but the plane starts to burn... and we might have broken bones, and it is painful to move, but if we want to Live... if we really want to Live... we have to pull ourselves out of that burning plane and drag our body away before it consumes us... and that's just the beginning... because we landed in a desert and we're alone, in pain, and we want to survive but a part of us loses hope that we will, and we're thirsty... we're in search for an Oasis... and some of us will find that oasis, and some of us will find cacti, but some... some find another plane... or a magic lamp... but the first thing is to get out of that plane or it will burn you alive... even though I'm only 23 I have been in and out of many burning planes and sinking boats, and I know there will be many more in the years to come... just this time I guess I'm having a hard time taking off the seat belts...

Comment on Cat1864's post

... I am clinging onto the life I knew... I don't want to get Lost.

I've really never wanted to do self harm or hurt anything in my life.. but I'm sorely tempted to go pluck wings off living things.

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I was told at a young age that I will have a hard time with forming relationships and I didn't understand that until I grew up a little... I'm not going to say who told me that or kept on telling me that, but it's really affecting me now

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Well one can only assume that came from a parent..

Well let me 'share' with you some wonderful personal experiences as a 'child'. 3 years old and my dad stood on a toy. He was tired and extremely volatile. He cut his foot, got into a raging anger held me up against a wall by my throat and beat me until I was black and blue on the left side. That was just one time. So through my early life and teens I thought this was the norm. UNTIL I had my daughter. 8 weeks old and she had me so wound up, I was tired and depressed and I didn't know what I was doing. She wouldn't stop crying. I was beside myself, I went to her room picked her up and had the most over whelming urge to do what my dad used to do. Then I stopped. I put her down.. walked out.. went across to a neighbour who'd offered to help, got her to look after her while I took time out. I broke the cycle. I've never had the urge, want or desire to raise a hand at my daughter since.

This isn't a comparison or scar war.. its to show that you need to BREAK THE CYCLE. Its no ones choice but yours. If you want too. You can do the self pity crap for the rest of your life if you choose, but it'll only reflect in the relationships you have. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't take the self pity trip. Yes it was a sad childhood. Yes it messed various aspects of my life up. Does it screw with me now? No. For all the stuff that happened in my life.. it's made me into the person I am today. I withstood the adversity. I bet the statistics of coming from a battered home and I am who I am.

If you don't like seat belts, don't wear them. You're the maker of your own destiny. CHOOSE to make a difference. Only you can make it happen.

Tal:

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Yes, I have kids, who have kids themselves. We clone the old fashion way in my family.

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I actually lol'd..

I'm so sad right now... just venting, pretending like I'm not alone, I feel so lonely, I broke no contact yesterday, and I broke it again today; she was fine about it last night and today as well, but every one including myself knew that was a bad idea because... I find out that she is picking a guy friend at the airport and hanging out with him tonight, I'm sad about that, and I'm good with Jealousy, and I was good this time, I didn't say anything about it when she told me, but I told her what I wanted to tell her and I wish I just kept it at that, this is where I am really mad at myself, I said to myself I was going to just tell her what I wanted to tell her before she came back to LA from New York, and what I was thinking before she blew up on me, I even wrote it out... I told her about how I couldn't really open up and was afraid to tell her some things and that I was now ready, and reminded her that she said she will be there for me when I was ready, it hurts because that's what I was thinking about the whole time when she was in New York, about how she said she will be there for me, and I told her that I appreciate her for listening and thanked her for understanding me when no one else does, but... since I'm visiting my family in LA this weekend, I was tempted to ask if I could see her, I thought twice about it, but I gave in, I asked if I could see her and she was taken back by it and was getting mad, she said she thought we talked about this already, and I said I know, and she, with that attitude voice that stings said well then... and I thought to myself, stop, I need to stop, but I asked her if we can just talk and she said she knows I can't, and she is right, and then I asked her how she felt before and after coming back from her trip and she kept on saying, I told you everything, how she really feels, about how she wasn't in love with me, and she went further to say if she knew this would happen she wouldn't have done what we did, that's sad because I mean it when I say even though some times I feel like changing the past, I wouldn't because I might not be here where I am today even though I feel really sad right now, a friend once explained how we don't listen to ourselves and how I am not listening to what any one is saying even though it's good advice and I know it's good advice... so even if you, me, I were able to go back in time and give ourselves advice, and we'd tell ourselves, hey it's future you, this is what is going to happen so you have to change what you're doing... but then we probably wouldn't want to do that, we, as in future us and past us, because we wouldn't be here today... she said she that she wanted to change the past and it hurts to think about all the conversations we had, I got her through what she was feeling by giving her some good advice, but all along she was using me, I think she said that I don't know, but it's true, and she said she can't do that any more... she told me this was frustrating, and she told me even more and she was raising her voice, and I guess she's like all of who are giving me advice... she said she was loud and clear, how come I am still talking about this, it hurts because of the way she said it, I asked her what she wanted, and I advise, you only ask that question during times like this, she said she wants us to be Friends but she knows I can't because I failed multiple times in the past months, she said she never wanted this to happen... I'm sorry for what I also got out of her and that was Hope, I'm sorry because I don't need that right now, you all understand, but she said all she said and added "not right now." And I said OK, and wish for her fun tonight for whoever she's going out with, and added that I am here if she needs anything and she commented on that about how I shouldn't say that because she doesn't feel the same, and that also hurt; a part of me wanted to get angry, a part of me wanted to just say, give me back my phone then! A part of me was burning her letters and cards and destroying all the things I gave her, and I wanted to confront her and just see her one last time even though it would be rude... because... the last time I saw her... if I knew I would have hugged and kissed her for just a little longer... because that memory is slipping already... because I know it will fade away... and I don't want it to... it makes me sad that I can't remember some things from the time I spent with my high school girlfriend who I had a bad break up with, I just remember that I had a hard time and she were close but I don't remember much... and I know there was so much more, and now this girl... I'm sorry I made her cry on the phone earlier, she started to cry and that's when I stopped, I wish I waited just one more week, maybe then it wouldn't have been bad, but every one knows that it's too early, and no contact means no contact... and I already feel myself breaking it next week because... I miss her, when she answered the phone I laughed because she did so in a cute voice... the one I'm missing right now, I get so anxious, and my chest hurts and I'm all alone in my room in the middle of no where... and now it's worst because I sabotaged myself... a part of me wanted to go to the gym, but now, I'm disabled... and I feel like calling my friend because he would be able to calm me down because even at the end we were supporting each other, and he's off some where else now doing better which is good for him. I can't believe I'm going through the phases of a break up again... if only I can meet up with every one who has given me advice, or every one at least knew one other, maybe I'd see myself foolish and Change, but my family is having problems, my Dad is leaving... my Mom and sister doesn't understand me, good night for now.

Like Tal said we are hear to listen, and listen, and listen---it doesn't mean that we won't get ticked that you haven't followed our advice, but that's all it is advice. We cannot take you by the hand and physically lead you down the path we feel is the right one, only you can make the choice of which path you take. Even if we were right next to you physically we could only stand by, this is you life's path, this is your adversity to conquer, and how you do that is your choice to make.

So with that said, You really need to get your head out of your backside and stop contacting this peson. Seriously she has tried to be nice and at least let you contact her to ease the break up pain, but you are still hoping she will go out with you--so now you are starting to tick her off, well I guess you can keep going she will eventually stop trying to be nice, and cut off all contact, if you continue after that she will have a restraining order put against you.

Stop all contact, remind yourself she will never,ever,never,ever change her mind and want you back into her life. It time to get into your writing, perhaps write a book of poetry or essays on what is happening to you.

We all understand mourning you are going through. Take care

NeckerCube, I, too, understand the need to vent. All I ask is that you please use paragraphs. It will help you organize your thoughts better (hopefully to get them reined in instead of allowing them to bolt off in any direction they choose) and will make it easier for us to understand what you are attempting to communicate.

If you really want to change the way your life has been going, you are going to have to take the steps. You are going to have to change your perception of yourself. As long as you wrap yourself in your 'weaknesses' and don't trust your 'strengths', you are going to be stuck in the same rut.

Thank you all for Listening. I will try to use paragraphs, I guess it shows I go off on tangents, it's just one of the things I do, and I'm sad about that too. Sometimes I'm fine, I can collect my thoughts and express them normally, but eventually, I'll slip into tangent mode, or something, I don't know, adult ADHD. A couple years ago I stopped using Labels, for myself at least, I still use them in conversation, like I am depressed, I am fighting depression, I deal with anxiety, but I stopped thinking about them individually, but as a whole, and that has no label; I have a Problem. I feel bad about how my conversation with her last night ended, the her telling me she is picking some guy up at the airport and hanging out then taking him back to his hotel threw me off, and it's still throwing me off; and oh crap I just remember I should use paragraphs.

The silly thing is, I wrote some good essays in the past, and I can edit and revise like a master. And can we imagine me as a Life Coach? For some reason I feel like I can do that, but then, I'd have to get pass this whole life obstacle...

It's would be nice if someone were standing by my side, that's how I got through that one mishap in high school, I switched high school, and then this girl saw me eating alone and befriended me, we hung out every day after that... but I eventually had to let her go, we weren't together or anything, just she was someone special, I look at her and think, she helped me a lot; the thing is, she never knew about my problems until it was too late, in a way I feel she ran away from my problems, she ended up just disappearing after I wrote her a letter telling her more about myself, she just took off and left and I didn't hear from her for a while. I just happened to be entering a new phase in life, college, and now that makes me think of the people I'm letting go of now, dammit.

I'm having even more thoughts, this guy of hers is from Maryland and a couple of months before she talked about going to grad school in Maryland, and I know this all doesn't matter because she is out of my life, but I just want to know... I want to know a lot of things, and she can't tell me. I hate myself for calling her last night, but we, including myself, saw that coming. I don't understand myself, how I just slip up.

So that's the major thing on my mind, and I keep on going back and forth between wanting to storm her house demanding my stuff back, like the cell phone she is using; I feel a little bad for my Dad, if I were not mad at him, I'd feel a little worst, but he broke his cell phone yesterday and asked me if I had the spare... he was understanding, but I still don't know what to do, I'm still holding on to the day I get to see her again because of... false hope... I asked her what she wants and she says she wants to be friends and for some reason I forgot what the second part was, but she said but not right now.

Her having my cell phone is Hope. It's a connection; it's also one that I learned from her relationship with my friend; she let him borrow her spare cell phone and he always used it until the very end, and I remember when things finally erupted between them, she demanded it back, and he refused to give it back because he needed it, and I'm guessing, it gives hope for him to one day see her again, even though he was the one leaving her.

One thing he told me in the end was he couldn't get over the many suitors she's been with, and about that's the hardest thing, which he took time and space from her to think about; bold and respectful move because that's what made her Love him I guess; he shared that the very first time he heard her Number, he knew he had to leave because she was his only One; so he left, and her number increased, and he came back, and found out, and had to leave, came back, found out; but his final fight with her was bad enough to make her want to hurt him; she told me one thing, that he insulted her and her Mom, but I know my name was thrown around in their arguments and she wouldn't tell me what the big deal was; she mentioned how I influenced him to leave her, and that scared me because that was what I was thinking when I was in high school going through a similar situation, I blamed my ex best friend, that's because I knew she was coaching her to leave me and then seducing me.

I'm sad because that's what came up over the phone last night, and by now you might notice I refuse to use her name or call her an ex, she is she, and she talked about how she was vulnerable and I took advantage of her, and how I wanted him to leave and her to be with me and so she doesn't know what I said to him, and I asked her to trust me that I didn't say anything to him in that way. But I must confess, aside from what I did, I was there there for him until the very end.

I called him last night, shortly after I talked to my sister, he deleted my cell phone number and called back asking who me who I am, and he opened, asking me why I am calling etc.. The thing is I always end up thinking about him, my therapist says who I truly miss is him, and as for her, she truly misses him as well. I told him I just needed to talk to him and was thinking about him and I'm having a hard time with stuff that I told him before we parted ways. He was close, I told him that, and that he knows first hand about my personality, though backwards because I didn't give him the labels until the very end, depression anxiety obsessive etc... and he told me how he can't ignore what I did, and we can't be the best of friends again, but he can talk to me and remind me of who I was and how things can be, and so he did, we kicked the can in between, but he told me things you all are telling me, oh, but he doesn't know what happened, he doesn't want to, he took my advice from the very beginning and turned his back on all this. I'm sure if he knew what happened he wouldn't have been so nice, but he knows I'm sort of trapped in a life phase in this town I live in and I am hurt by what happened. I thanked him for his support and kind words, and we got off the phone, I felt a little better, his support at this time holds a lot of weight because he left with a reminder, like how some of you all remind me at the end of what you all say, and I've reminded myself of this is to Keep Going, thing will work out.

I don't know if you all noticed but I've come across and have been giving different perspectives, one person suggested I come to understand that things are going to get worst before they get better. Keep Going has been with me for a while, I received this message on the flight before going to Hawaii in high school, the one before my girlfriend decided it would be a bright idea to break the news to me on vacation. But on the flight there, I was still OK, and had a conversation with a man named Rick if I could remember clearly... he was in his late 20s, I was 16, and he asked me about my plans for the future, hell, I didn't know, so he told me his, about how he tried with college and urged me to go to college, jumping to conclusion, he told me, one thing is, no matter what, no matter what happens, Keep Going, don't ever stop, Keep Going. Then it was goodbye at baggage claim and a couple days later, what happened happened.

I'm trying to be calm at work right now. But I'm freaking out about her, when I should be freaking out about myself. I regret calling her because we left on bad terms which justifies her decision, I know I know. I haven't checked Facebook yet but I'm going to now, I'll be off it by the end of the month, that's what I'm telling myself. It'd hurt if she blocked me first, and a part of me thinks that is going to happen. I don't want to block her because I'd go through the troubles of unblocking her. And deactivating Facebook is a bigger move, and I believe it will help a lot.

I confess that I am afraid, I am afraid that I will get over her for a bit and then fool myself into thinking I am ready to contact her, then things will reset again; I'm already looking at my phone thinking, please ring, just call me... and every text I get I hope it's her and last night it was her, she let me know the darn zodiac changed. But I know all that is going to stop because I messed up. I was doing well, I'm so angry that I asked her if I could see her on Sunday, I broke all my promises and now the promises are even greater.

My sister also suggested a calendar, I think that will help, seeing the X marks. But how am I going to go another week? She doesn't trust me. And so I ruined it.

I want her in my life because I forced my high school girlfriend out of my life. I don't even know what she really looks like anymore, and it' stupid that I think of her from time to time because of the advice she gave me on what's going on right now.

When everything happened, I had the rare chance to talk to my high school ex, and she explained to me nothing serious is going to happen and I need to get out now, she warned, I am going to lose both of them, so be prepared, he urged me to be the one to tell him, and told me that's all she can give me. She also forgave me for what I did to her which released me from guilt and helped me really let her go.

I am upset I didn't get to see her, and know it's the last time. For my high school girlfriend I did, and I remember it too, which makes me smile because it was silly. It was two occasions. I came back from Hawaii and took the bus with her and when I dropped her off she Kissed me, and Kissed me, and told me to go, the bus left with her in it, and we held eye contact until she was off at a distance. I thought that was the end until I caught her on the bus again days later and went with her to campus, there we had a face to face moment again, and she Kissed me again, and with a cute gesture pushed my lips away gently and told me to Go. She left. I sat down... and cried. She caught me because I was sitting at my spot for so long she came back around later and saw me, and she asked am I OK? I said No. And days after that were horrible for both of us...

I don't want this to happen again. I didn't get to see her a last time, and when I thought I did, she took it away, that was the night she blew up on me, we were suppose to vid chat... and dammit, I'm just replaying everything over and over and over in my head, I can't stop...

Get yourself to your doctor, and get back on your meds, and be pretty darn quick about it. And don't come back until you have seen him!!!!! And don't cross me, just do as your told, because its time to end this circle of despair, and useless blathering, because you are no longer venting.

Sorry guy, but I must ask you to take more direct actions to help yourself. I hope you understand.

I understand. I'm taking medication. Saw a doctor, he said I'll Live, but I won't feel Alive. Seeing a therapist every week, but I think I'm too much for her, I think every one feels that way, even I feel that way. Dammit, I haven't even done something about Facebook yet, but I will, and now I have to let go of this too. I can see I'm abusing this comment box, but it helps. It's scary to think of no contact with any one any more, and no contact with Myself, I just don't know.

Exactly what were you diagnosed with, and what are you prescribed. You know a conversation with a physician can have the meds modified, or changed, as its so important to keep your doctor informed of ALL effects, and side effects. That calls for more positive actions on your part in your own behalf.

I hope you understand that I am almost obligated as a friend to point things out to you that which may be helpful, and in no way do I want to leave any suggestion left unsaid, but I also must count on your honesty, and due diligence if we are to make any progress.

I have not asked you to leave, just stay honest. Questions??

Depression. Anxiety. Mild OCD, Mild ADHD. Fits of Mania. I hate labels. I'm taking Wellbutrin. And thanks for caring and understanding. I'm sad about last night. And today, she posted her feelings about her little fling with this guy that she hung out with. I'm not feeling well. What is she doing... I want to ask her. Why is she being like this.

I can't concentrate at work and we have projects due. I just want to call her now and ask her why. And she's going to Las Vegas, and refuses to even see me, so I can talk to her.

But I know I have to accept that I can't control her. I hate this feeling.

You will see your doctor again won't you?? I need your word!

As to the female, she is irrelevant, and you should stay off her page. She is doing nothing a young single and free female wouldn't do, and she doesn't care what you are going through. There is no why, just what is. Hit the gym, eat well, and sleep well.