I've made a big mistake, most of you know my story so I won't bore you with it again.

Here is a link to it though if you want background:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html

You are probably going to ask, "why the hell did you do this?" and I guess it was just curiosity.

Basically, I was just looking at myspace and I thought, I wonder if my ex is on there now. I checked under her name. I know some of you might think that this is kind of like stalking but it really is not like that, I was just curious and would not contact her, believe me.

Anyway, I found her all right on there. Not only that, but she says that she is looking for a relationship. She says she is looking for a man with a good sense of humour who Can have a laugh and be mad like her and then snuggle up with her on a Sunday.

It makes me feel like I was not good enough. I found out from this that she is basically going out every Saturday and meeting new men, having the time of her life. Well, I guess I knew that this was what was happening anyway, I just have had it hit right in my brain now because if anyone knows my space, you get comments from Friends posted on there. No question was there many different comments on hers.

I only have myself to blame, I feel like such an idiot. She also says she is the caring type and a lot to handle. Well, the second part is true I guess. The thing that hurts the most is that she has definitely moved on and is getting on with her life and clearly does not care about me AT ALL...

Yet I am unfortunately still in a process of grieving and in a way, I feel alone. I wish I was not such a fool, for doing what I have done but what is done is done..

Please don't tell me how much of an idiot I am for doing this because I already know.

The good thing is that I have not contacted her! Phewwwwww.

Sorry guys and gals, I needed to vent off... Sorry if I have let the team down by doing this stupid idiotic thing but I am just human I guess.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT!!

I only hope the next guy or guy/s realise what a user she really can be..

I guess I am just being bitter and it really is none of my business I know. We are not together anymore and that is that.

This was the last thing I needed to do to myself before the new year! Now I am going to get a dictionary and write my name next to idiot!

Don't worry, I won't be attempting any contact, she has clearly moved on! Not necessarily with someone but definitely on the lookout and forgotten about me for sure..

I knew it deep down, perhaps I just needed the icing on the cake too.

It's letting yourself down Geoff...
Don't grieve... be releved...
You're free to meet a girl that will really appreciate you...
Go out and find her...
Kae

Dear Geoff,
Please allow me to remind you that what you are practicing here I once did and was chastised for it in this same way -- its BAD SCIENCE, dude! You are comparing her outsides with your insides. Tut tut to that! You, or anyone else for that matter, have no way of knowing what is really going on with her. She could be hurting a lot over her failure with you. She could be resorting to that desperate dance of "let's get another one as soon as possible so I can prove it wasn't me who blew the last one" -- the classic rebound maneuver that will blow up in her face. You don't know what comes next here as a result of her actions and you are presuming a lot. Stop. Stop and think. Take a breath. Quit looking to the world for confirmation that you are some kind of loser. That is YOU doing that, not her. Read those last two sentences here again. LOL Look more objectively at self please, practice better science. Grrrrrrr. LOL Okay?

Love,
Mrs Miagi LOL

Geoff,

If you call yourself and idiot one more time, I promise you, Allheart will book a flight to the UK, find you, and shake that thought process right out of you.

The ONLY think that I am upset at, is the fact that you referred yourself in that matter. Look at what you saw as a blessing and I mean it. Sometimes we mourn the person we thought they were not actually who they are.

Now I have a cake to make and cookies, but I much rather reply to you, and I could not help but reply, short that it is, and for that I am sorry, but I do need to get on with it, and Oh I will be back to go on about this a little more.

Now you tell me, do I need to book that flight?? I never want to see you use that word or any negative word in referring to yourself. EVER. Do we have a deal?

Hey Geoff,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. No, it wasn't the best idea to check for her on myspace, but like you said, curiousity got the better of you. I can relate to how you are feeling because as you know, my ex emailed me after 2 months of NC and oh so casually let me know he is now living with the girl he dumped me for! How fabulous it is to find out about the exes, isn't it? It only serves to pull off whatever scab has healed on the wound and puts us back to square one.

I wish I could go back to the pain I was feeling before I found out about this because it was bad but not nearly as bad as knowing the details of how they are moving on without you. It does make you feel as if you were nothing to them. They seem as if they not only don't care now, but never did. It sucks. It makes you question if what you had was even real at all. That's why we often come to learn the hard way about the importance of No Contact.

What's done is done though Geoff. Don't beat yourself up over this and please don't make checking it a habit. It will just debilitate you. I have completely blocked my ex and though it hurts, I have to look out for myself. You do too Geoff. Any way you can completely block that site from your computer?

Geoff, I know it hurts, but you really can do better than this girl. You have come such a long way and have been working on yourself and helping others here. When I am feeling badly about how seemingly quickly my ex moved on as if he didn't even care and feel badly that I am still upset over everything, I just remember that HE dumped me. That means that HE didn't get hurt here, I did. I didn't leave him for another guy or want the breakup. Of course HE didn't suffer the way I did. HE didn't get betrayed. I was committed to him and the relationship. Obviously he wasn't. Getting over things like this takes time. I had the "getting over it" stuff to get through, HE didn't. At least not nearly in the same way or to the same extent at all. It's the same for you.

I really think that you will find the right girl for you when you are ready. Don't let this get you down and please find some way to block her myspace page and not be checking it all the time. Stay strong.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Allheart

Now you tell me, do I need to book that flight??????? I never want to see you use that word or any negative word in referring to yourself. EVER. Do we have a deal?

---

Thanks Allheart

No.. You don't have to book the flight Allheart, I promise I won't mention that word again. We have a deal.

I agree with what you say 'Sometimes we mourn the person we thought they were not actually who they are.' I think I was definitely under the delusion that she was in some way more than what I wanted her to be.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

I wish I could go back to the pain I was feeling before I found out about this because it was bad but not nearly as bad as knowing the details of how they are moving on without you. It does make you feel as if you were nothing to them. They seem as if they not only don't care now, but never did. It sucks. It makes you question if what you had was even real at all.
I really think that you will find the right girl for you when you are ready. Don't let this get you down and please find some way to block her myspace page and not be checking it all the time. Stay strong.

---

Thanks southern,

Your words are comforting. Yes, the questions are there again but I have to be strong and not ruin the progress I have made. I think it further reinforces the fact that she did not know what she wanted.. But hang on, Geoff, What!! Ahhhhhhhhh, going mad!

No, none of this matters does it? Have I just gone through some kind of worm hole>?

Geoff , you now , when is over is Over.You must to convince yourself about that.Is the first step to healing . Now you have seen yourself that she has moved on with her life .
So must you to do too.It hurds but must to moved on with your life .
And now she have every right to be with who she want to, is no more your business(at least to avoid more pain for you).
YOUR problem now is you and how to move on . Don't digging anymore about her , try to put her completely out of your mind, let Time to heal your wounds (is the best doctor for this)
And you now you are not an idiot, don't beat yourself anymore .But try to simply don't ask , don't look , don't call , don't do nothing regarding her .Concentrate about yourself.

Hey Geoff.

I know exactly how you feel. I looked at my ex's myspace every single day (multiple times) from the break up until just 2 days ago. Your curiosity got the best of you, but it happens to all of us. What everyone has said here is completely correct. It will be hard, but you have to stop looking at her page. It will consume your thoughts, like it did my own. She's doing her own thing now, you just have to leave her alone, for your own sake.

I'll be on that fight with Allheart too! Don't beat yourself up, it doesn't solve anything.

You WILL find someone 100x better than her, believe me.

You've been so strong for so many people on this site. Now it's time for us to return the favor.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

You don't know what comes next here as a result of her actions and you are presuming a lot. Stop. Stop and think. Take a breath. Quit looking to the world for confirmation that you are some kind of loser. That is YOU doing that, not her. Read those last two sentences here again. LOL Look more objectively at self please, practice better science. Grrrrrrr. LOL Okay?

love,
Mrs Miagi LOL

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Thanks Mrs Miagi,

I hear you. I think you may be right, perhaps she is hurting slightly for the falure and trying to rebound. The thing is, I know this woman. I know how she works, her thoughts and feelings. I just don't see that what happened to me and her is not going to happen again. The truth is, when you get to know her, long term, she is hard work.

Is this the right way of thinking val, I am a bit confused now!

Daniel son is confused :confused:

Another thought Geoff, sometimes things like this that we find out about are actually blessings in disguise. They can disillusion us to the "perfect" memories of the ex or how "meaningful" the relationship was and can be the jolt we need to move on. In some ways, I probably needed to find out what I did about my ex, as much as it hurt, because I see him for how he really was now. I was still looking back through rose-colored glasses before I found out about what he is doing now. I was believeing we would get back together and it prevented me from moving on sooner and letting go. I thought deep down he really loved me as I loved him. I now know that he never loved me... he couldn't have by his actions... and love is an important quality I want and need in a relationship that I commit to one day. True I found out the hard way, but I guess I needed to know. I did love him and wanted it to work, but we have no control over others. None.

It hurts like hell, but now maybe you can begin to see her for what she really was/is. She can't love you in the way you deserve. She really sounds young and immature and like she has no idea what she wants still. You will get through this. It may all be for the best in the long run as much as it pains you right now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Saintas

And you now you are not an idiot, don't beat yourself anymore .But try to simply don't ask , don't look , don't call , don't do nothing regarding her .Concentrate about yourself.

---

Yes, I agree, this is exactly what I would have said to anyone else here..

It's so weird when the table is turned though.. LOL:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Thanks Mrs Miagi,

I hear you. I think you may be right, perhaps she is hurting slightly for the falure and trying to rebound. The thing is, I know this woman. I know how she works, her thoughts and feelings. I just don't see that what happened to me and her is not going to happen again. The truth is, when you get to know her, long term, she is hard work.

Is this the right way of thinking val, I am a bit confused now!

Daniel son is confused :confused:

---

Dear Danielsan,
I am happy to hear your ears are open -- LOL now for your eyes! You may have known her, yes. And I am glad to see that you can see that she was hard work. All sounds very realistic which is very good.

However, from the point at which you two broke up there began a process you are not acknowledging because you are not comfortable with it and that is this: as time goes by you will be unknowing her too, i.e. you will know less and less who she is and what she is up to until one day you will not know her hardly at all. So please speak in past tense of this fact-- you knew her -- because that is the truth.

Additionally, what lessons she requires at this point is basically none of your beeswax so Mrs Miagi does not see how much can be constructively said about that. Only your lessons are legitimate topic.

Love,
Mrs Miagi (LOL this format is too fun and I hope you are enjoying it too Geoff!)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

It hurts like hell, but now maybe you can begin to see her for what she really was/is. She can't love you in the way you deserve. She really sounds young and immature and like she has no idea what she wants still. You will get through this. It may all be for the best in the long run as much as it pains you right now.

---

Yes, she really was that, immature and I don't think she knew what love was. I wanted to believe she loved me and that it could work out.

Thing is, since I came on this website, I have opened my eyes to this reality but in my head, I kind of want to believe otherwise but you cannot deny the truth.

I'm going to have a coffee and rethink what you have just said in more detail.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

However, from the point at which you two broke up there began a process you are not acknowledging because you are not comfortable with it and that is this: as time goes by you will be unknowing her too, ie, you will know less and less who she is and what she is up to until one day you will not know her hardly at all. So please speak in past tense of this fact-- you knew her -- because that is the truth.

Additionally, what lessons she requires at this point is basically none of your beeswax so Mrs Miagi does not see how much can be constructively said about that. Only your lessons are legitimate topic.

---

I hear you Mrs Miagi.

Danielson has a problem though, he has an issue with how she can change all of a sudden and be a person he no longer knows, or thought she was.

This is part of her process of growing up I guess. I no it is none of my beeswax. I guess you are right then Mrs Miagi, the lesson she learns have nothing to do with my lesson.

My wax on wax off has nothing to do with hers anymore..

Danielson.

Well you know what they say about ASSuming. Its so easy to fill in the blanks with our own insecurities, and hopes, and dream, with facts that just aren't there. How do you know your forgotten? She's having a great time without you? Why not ASSume she is looking for you in others and spinning her wheels with a lot of candidates that don't quite measure up?
ASSume nothing and worry about it less. Now get off that pity pot your holding up the line! Don't beat yourself up either that's for us to do! :D :cool:... :eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

The thing is, I know this woman. I know how she works, her thoughts and feeling

---

Some times we really known the persons we love . But always we don't know this side we 'v seen when they dumped us . Fact : we never known entirely one person .You have seen to times this part . Geoff , enough is enough .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Saintas

Some times we really known the persons we love . But always we don't know this side we 'v seen when they dumped us . Fact : we never known entirely one person .You have seen to times this part . Geoff , enough is enough .

---

I know, I hear you ALL and appreciate your wisdom and kind words, really I do. I'm just trying to pull myself out of the pity hole I dug myself that tal just talked about.

Whack me around the head, I will get there! LOL

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I hear you Mrs Miagi.

Danielson has a problem though, he has an issue with how she can change all of a sudden and be a person he no longer knows, or thought she was.

This is part of her process of growing up I guess. I no it is none of my beeswax. I guess you are right then Mrs Miagi, the lesson she learns have nothing to do with my lesson.

My wax on wax off has nothing to do with hers anymore..

Danielson.

---

Very good then Danielsan... leaves all whacking to Tal and others... please continue: wax on... wax off! :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Very good then Danielsan... leaves all whacking to Tal and others.... please continue: wax on... wax off! :D

---

I thought you were supposed to be teaching me Karate.

All you seem to be doing is getting me to clean all your cars.

LOL:D

Hi again Geoff,

I am sorry that I spun about they way you referred to yourself. But we now have a deal, so there is no need to belabor the point... yes :)

Wow Val and Tal made incredible points. Thank goodness for calmer heads. I agree with so much with what both of you have said. But now I have a question of my own, but it relates to Geoff's situation. What if... what if she is hurting and missing him just has much... and on the other end... Geoff is hurting and missing her so much... what do you do then? How will either of them every know? What if both have applied the NC idea and will stick to it no matter what? How will they ever know, what the other truly means to each other? I honestly don't know the answer to that question that is why I am asking. I definitely understand how healthy NC is, and for each of them to heal and grow individually, but when does it get to the point, if it ever does, that each have grown, have learned and have healed, and both have realized, that yes, they want to be back together. If both are sticking to the NC, then how does it all come together?

And just one more point Geoff, you had said that your head wants to believe she is who you remember her to be, I would think it is more so, mostly your heart and yes, perhaps your head that she is how you remember her to be.

Great point Allheart. How will one know if a reunion is desired by one of the exes if no one breaks the no contact ever? I have often wondered that myself.

This is why I would read my exes emails when he would break no contact... I was hoping there would be something there indicating that he wanted to get back together. Unfortunately this never seemed to be the case with him and I wound up getting hurt all over again. But that is beside the point.

You do raise an interesting and valid concern for many though. I always believed that the one who initiated the breakup should ask for the reconciliation though. I also think if someone wants to reconcile badly enough, they will move mountains to do so, no contact or not. I also think that sometimes either can make one last contact for closure simply so they can move on and find out for sure that there is no chance of a reunion if that is to be the case. It may be the jolt one needs to move on. Holding out unfounded hope can be a dangerous thing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I thought you were supposed to be teaching me Karate.

All you seem to be doing is getting me to clean all your cars.

LOL:D

---

Dear Danielsan,
I am teaching you Emotional Intelligence... karate lessons come later, when you are ready. I like clean cars though... don't you? When you are finished with mine, you can do all the others too. :rolleyes:
Love,
Mrs Miagi

:rolleyes:

Quote:

---

Whack me around the head, I will get there! LOL

---

Careful what you ask for, you may get it.:D

Very good point Southern, actually excellent. It did shed a lot of light. The person who initiated the break-up should be the one to pick up the phone, very true. So in this case, yes, it would be Geoff's ex, that would need to make the first contact. Thanks bundles, I am back on track. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Allheart

What if...what if she is hurting and missing him just has much...and on the other end...Geoff is hurting and missing her so much....what do you do then? How will either of them every know? What if both have applied the NC idea and will stick to it no matter what?

---

Well, she (my Ex) is a very stubborn character (and I mean stubborn)..

I just can't believe that this is the case though Allheart (that she feels this way) since it said in her myspace account that quote:- I am looking for a man, who can have a laugh and be mad like me and then snuggle up on a Sunday with me.

Then again, this goes against what Val says (lessons she may learn in life)

And what Tal says, about me filling in the gaps with my own insecurities, fears/hopes e.t.c.

I've taken a wrong turn somewhere today, and I thought the yellowbrick road was just one way.
Has anyone got a map? :o

O.K.

I have decided I am never going to do that again, look at her myspace. It's not far off actual contact by doing that, I guess the only difference is, she does not know it!

Big mistake though, because I would just read into every comment that was said between her and other men and it would just be pointless and rather worrying too.

That's not the norm for me.. Usually quite level headed but I suppose everyone stumbles from time to time.

Allheart/Southern, I like your point.

I will never be contacting her at all. No way on this earth, I've come too far to break it now. I see your point about closure Southern but I KNEW (not know-thanks Val ;) ) my ex and if I wanted confirmation that it is truly over and no chance of getting it back, she would be quite nasty about it.

There are things I have not said here about how she dealt with me after week 1 of the break-up. She would be quite disturbed if I called her now asking for confirmation that it is really over after 3 months..

I would be quite disturbed too...

Not me.. No, I'm riding this train alone!

I think you've learned a really valuable lesson here Geoff, that you cannot make a good intention out of a wrong action. No one can. And you will take as many lessons about over is over until it is truly over for you. Which is perfectly okay! We all take as many lessons on (fill in the blank) as is necessary. That you are learning them as they come is what's so impressive and important to me. I really do enjoy working with you on yours (thank you) and God knows, I may need your help tomorrow with mine, truly. We may be on separate trains, all of us, but we can certainly reach out in the darkness to each other and exchange gifts.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I think you've learned a really valuable lesson here Geoff, that you cannot make a good intention out of a wrong action. No one can. And you will take as many lessons about over is over until it is truly over for you.

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I completely agree. A big lesson learned today. Shucks..

Hey.. I would always be there to help anyone who helps me! And those that don't but need it.

I never turn my back on good people..

Geoff,

The cost of a ticket to UK... $900.00... The cost of shaking Geoff until he looses certain words from his vocabulary... Priceless :):):)

And you don't worry about a map for that yellow brick road, it has many twist and turns, but there are always friends there for you along the way to help, just like you have done so many, many, many times here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Allheart

Geoff,

The cost of a ticket to UK......$900.00......The cost of shaking Geoff until he looses certain words from his vocabulary......Priceless :):):)

And you don't worry about a map for that yellow brick road, it has many twist and turns, but there are always friends there for you along the way to help, just like you have done so many, many, many times here.

---

Thank Allheart,

Those are comforting words..

While navigating these twists and turns, can I be the tin man who is trying to find a heart?

LOL.:)

Request Denied for being Tin Man. Too late for that my friend, as you already have a heart.. a very very big one :)

Now don't even ask to be the cowardly lion... nope... doesn't fit you nor the scarecrow, as you already have a brain and a very good one... Dorothy? Um no... maybe Toto.. but I will have to think about it.

LOL,

You are brightening my day ALLHEART..

I don't think you could be the tin either because as your username suggests, you are

ALL-HEART.. :)

Going to hit you over the head. ********* Are you seeing stars yet? **********

I do not remember nor did I read back to your original post. All I have to say is it is better that your not with her and that she obvously enjoys the different men. You were curious and now you know what is happening.

Now it is time to enjoy yourself and get out yourself. (;

Joe

Geoff, try not to dwell on it too much. I checked to see if my ex had one as well, but he doesn't and he isn't the sort to have one. It was just curiosity, you didn't contact her though, it would have been tempting to post a nasty comment arghh. You are a very good person.

I felt like I had let everyone down when I emailed my ex on Thursday, why do we do this to ourselves? It is because we are hurting so bad, and curiosity sets in. These things are sent to try us, they will only make us stronger.

My mum and dad have just asked me what I want for Christmas, I said a punch bag and gloves ( I am serious),and some dumbells. Maybe you should get something like this, or a dart board like you suggested to me, I can supply you with some pictures of candidates for practise!

I hope you are not too down Geoff, I always try to rate your answers but I am never allowed to!

Take a deep breath, put on some music, run yourself a bath, watch a film, something like that. Clear your mind, and just think you will be a better person at the end of this. You are an incredible person anyway. Would you ever date a girl 2 years older? Lol

Seriously, try to clear your mind, what is done, is done Geoff. None of this is your fault.

<< I am looking for a man, who can have a laugh and be mad like me and then snuggle up on a Sunday with me.
>>

Hey Geoff,
Just saw your thread...
Well lets hope she meets jerk after jerk on that site!
As I told you before in the early 20s girls are so attracted to getting a crazy , funny guy...
(I know from experience)... so I guess this is the phase she is at.

Anyhow take care Geoff and we are all here if you need to talk.

Hi Geoff, just caught up on your thread. I know exactly where you're coming from, it's natural to want to know what's happening with her, but as the saying goes 'ignorance is bliss'. I used to dig for information from any source all the time, then I realised it was self-torture and it sure wasn't helping me move forward.

You got your icing on the cake, it's all finished now.
You have such a good heart and give wonderful advice, any girl would be lucky to have you so don't be wasting your time on this one. X

Take some of your own great advice Geoff : )

A time will come my friend that you are going to think of this as merely a stupid incident in your life. At that time, she will smack herself in the head for treating you the way she did. That is a fact. Keep your dignity and let her do whatever it is she thinks she must do. Be icecold, eventually you will become stronger and she will become weaker. In the end, you will be the winner in this "battle".