Ask Me Help Desk - How do I deal with the Fear of abandonment can I trust her

How do I deal with the Fear of abandonment can I trust her

Me and my wife/girlfriend of 10 years came clean with each other about a week ago
We have 3 kids and we really want to change and make this work but for the past 10 years we have been living a lie we knew what we wanted and we truly still love each other we know that we have to change ourselves first my thing I asked my mother to give a honest opinion about how I treated her and she told me you treated her like crap as of recently about a year ago I made a decision to change my ways I saw what I was becoming and didn't like it we know think we know what we need to fix we both know it was 100/100 both of faults but I feel that if she was treated right she might not have done what she did so I ask how do I trust her again after she lost the little trust I had for
How deal with the fear of it happening again.

I don't understand why this is posted under physical therapy and have asked that it be moved to another section of AMHD.

She is your girlfriend/wife? Which one?

Came clean about what? I think it is great that you both want this to work, that sure is a great first step. Changing your manner or mood in how you speak and act toward her are a sure way to get closer to her. You spoke of mistrust... what happened that you do not trust her? I suppose we would need to know.

I have cheated on her with 3 different women but at the time she only knew of one it was her best friend and she was seeing an old friend off and on for the whole 10 years ,she said she wanted to stop but he the man told her if you break this off I will ruin your life andtell your man everything
But I verbaly put her down telling her she doenst make enough money why did she do this what didn't she do that I watched my father control women ins his life like this maybe this is why my mother and him spilt it's now and then I get the fear of abandonment and I think that is why I have always never trusted women I gave her a little trust but was controlling where are you who are you with why didn't you pick up your phone... I stopped cheating about 3 years ago and that when her activity
Picked up but that is also when she started to work night's 10 pm to 6.30 am and I was working 8.00am to 4.30 pm so we have not had a real relationship for about 5 years since she started the shift we made that choice because she wanted to watch my son and we could not afford day care we said we will have time for each other later we alomost lost each other because ofthis she is quiting her job she changed her number and I truly believe that she wants to be with me forever because if she didn't she would have left me for him or another man already..

You are both guilty of the same thing, infidelity and you are guilty of treating her like crap. So why and how does she trust you?
I would suggest you two some couple counseling. It may help you deal with the issues you have and help the two of you communicate better and in a more civilized way.

Let's see - you both cheat on each other (and she has all sorts of reasons she couldn't break off her affair), you admit you verbally abuse her, you don't have a "real relationship" and haven't for more than 5 years, you don't trust her and admit you are very controlling -

I'm thinking that your own behavior is causing you to believe she will leave you. I don't know why she hasn't already.

First thing is first, you can't be the only one who lost trust obviously. Starting over in a new way but in an old relationship can be quite tricky. Especially if there are trust issues. Making a pact that here and now and in the future there will be no more cheating is a great step. As far as I am concerned, I would head for couples therapy. Seems as if you have a few kids that would really enjoy living in a stable home. Good luck!

Yeah I know that we are both 100/100 guilty I feel that I would have treated the right way she would have tested the water so to speak ,well our question is can we do this on our own if we know what we need to do or with this need couple counseling she has low self esteem she had a pretty bad child hood me as well we had similar things happen to us and we both felt like we were never good enough for each other but we know what type of life we want to live and we want to live it together,she had her first daughter at 15 yrs old and then I came in to the picture a year later accepted her and her child but at 17 we had our first we have been "together" for 10 years we know that this happens to a lot of people,and if we were to legally get married all of this would have had to come out sooner or later,
She is the love of my life I fell she is my soul mate she tell's me the same things how do I trust when I have never trusted before

You need professional counselling.

So is she your wife or your girlfriend? You refer to her as both.

You have two children and are soulmates. If you aren't married, why not?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Let's see - you both cheat on each other (and she has all sorts of reasons why she couldn't break off her affair), you admit you verbally abuse her, you don't have a "real relationship" and haven't for more than 5 years, you don't trust her and admit you are very controlling -

I'm thinking that your own behavior is causing you to believe she will leave you. I don't know why she hasn't already.

She said she truly loves me and I'm a good father

Quote:

Originally Posted by startover22

First thing is first, you can't be the only one who lost trust obviously. Starting over in a new way but in an old relationship can be quite tricky. Especially if there are trust issues. Making a pact that here and now and in the future there will be no more cheating is a great step. As far as I am concerned, I would head for couples therapy. Seems as if you have a few kids that would really enjoy living in a stable home. Good luck!

And that is excalty what we want a stable home for them and us both

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You need professional counselling.

So is she your wife or your girlfriend? You refer to her as both.

You have two children and are soulmates. If you aren't married, why not?

I'm doing that now as we speak I have my first session tomorrow girlfriend

And are you asking why not get married? Would right now be to soon or would that be a way to show our true comitment to each other

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

and that is excalty what we want a stable home for them and us both

What good things does she bring to the relationship?

What good things do you bring to the relationship?

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

well our question is can we do this on our own if we know what we need to do or with this need couple counseling

Yes, you need outside help. You both need to learn to trust yourselves and each other and how to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, neither of you have the tools to be able to try to make the changes without causing more problems.

A big lesson to learn: You are not your father. You want to change and build a better life. From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What good things does she bring to the relationship?

What good things do you bring to the relationship?

She is a great mother great lover and she has put up with my crap for 10 years and still wants to be with me we would have time togther I would get lost in her eyes I would melt in her hand's she was emitionly always supported me in my career and life choices

I'm a good father she says I her love but the reason she stayed is because the man I was changing into as of recently and the how I treated her when we first started dating and she felt when we had pillow talk she felt I was sincer about what I was saying and I was

DO not use marriage to help things. Keep going to therapy after it starts and work on issues. Marriage is not a fix at any degree, no matter what, you wait till you know for sure and she knows for sure that you can live a life of trust and worth together! Sounds like you both are willing to work on it, and it may take more time than you want it to. BUT, being willing to do right for each other and your kids is so rewarding when you follow through!

You get lost in her eyes and melt in her hands?

This is not the basis for a good marriage and/or relationship.

What strengths do you bring to the marriage? Pillow talk is one thing. Being supportive is another.

Unfortunately, your relationship is not like a computer. When things go wrong, you can't wipe out the memory and reformat.

Both of your past actions are there to stay. The question is, can you find a way to cope with each other's past, so that you can move forward?

Only time will tell. If both of you are committed to putting in the effort to make it work, then there's definitely a chance. It's going to take a lot of hard work as it's an uphill battle. Professional help is definitely a start. But time and patience are the two key things.

If you both continue to learn from your past and do good deeds from here on, then that's another good step forward. As long as you keep taking steps forward to improve upon. When one of you stop putting in the necessary effort, then the relationship will end one way or another, whether you want it to or not. It has to work both ways.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You get lost in her eyes and melt in her hands?

This is not the basis for a good marriage and/or relationship.

What strengths do you bring to the marriage? Pillow talk is one thing. Being supportive is another.

We are not married just been together for 10 years

She has supported me the whole time in what ever decisions I have made for us and our family and by doing everything for me cooking cleaning when I was down in the dumps she would dust me off and pick me up
Taking care if the kids when I was out doing my own thing
I never supprted her in what she wanted to do
I supported us financally not her emotionally but I know that is what I have to change that why I'm seeking perfesional help to fix me I think the low self esteem came from me putting her down

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Yes, you need outside help. You both need to learn to trust yourselves and each other and how to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, neither of you have the tools to be able to try to make the changes without causing more problems.

A big lesson to learn: You are not your father. You want to change and build a better life. From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.

Good luck.

I know but I thought that was how it's done I'm only 28 I started this when I was 18 I was just a kid I thought by controlling her I could keep her and I almost lost her
From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.
He went threw the same thing as me with his father my therapist told me that treatment like is continues form genertation to generation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

we are not married jsut been together for 10 years

she has supported me the whole time in what ever decisions i have made for us and our family and by doing everything for me cooking cleaning when i was down in the dumps she would dust me off and pick me up
taking care if the kids when i was out doing my own thing
i never supprted her in what she wanted to do
i supported us financally not her emotionally but i know that is what i have to change that why i'm seeking perfesional help to fix me i think the low self esteem came from me putting her down

WOW, your manhood just came shining right through as you know down deep what you need to do. Now let your therapist advise you on how to start making the changes you would like to make to make her a happy woman! Seriously, I am proud of you for saying everything in this post, you really are on the right path.

You two need to go to couple's counseling. There seems to be a lot of dysfunction here, that has been here throughout the 10year relationship, and you have your own baggage you've brought to the table.

It's going to take a while to repair the damage that had been done here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You two need to go to couple's counseling. There seems to be a lot of dysfunction here, that has been here throughout the 10year relationship, and you have your own baggage you've brought to the table.

It's going to take a while to repair the damage that had been done here.

We know time will heal all wounds but it's weird after we came "clean" it was like I was looking at a whole new women when I kissed her it was like for the first time we can still have sex and hold each other and forgive each other we believe that "there is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness with out love" I understand we are all human we make mistake's everyone deserves a second chance she has given me more than 1 chance

And that is all good. But as you stated in your opening post, you don't know how to trust her and you have a fear of abandonment.
She has done some things as well that are not quite normal. Going to counseling does not mean you two don't love each other, it means you have problems you two need help dealing with and you love each other enough to try to work things out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

she said she truly loves me and i'm a good father

She said that I'm who she want to spend the rest of her life with I'm the one she choosed she also said if I wanted him I would be with him she said I was hoping I would change and as of the last year when I dedcied to change she liked who I was turning in to and that made her happy
That's why she told me everything and I felt if I was truly going to change I had to come out with everything and then we would see how we felt about each other I don't hate her or despise her just hurt but I was also doing the hurting we took it as you messed because of "this" I'm going work on fxing that and she messed up because of "that" and she is going to work on fixing that.are we taking the correct steps

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

And that is all good. But as you stated in your opening post, you don't know how to trust her and you have a fear of abandonment.
She has done some things as well that are not quite normal. Going to counseling does not mean you two don't love each other, it means you have problems you two need help dealing with and you love each other enough to try to work things out.

You're 100% correct we can't fix this on our own because it might go back to the way it was

Should I do my own and couples or just do the couples,I'm thinking more of couples we need to fix us

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

youre 100% correct we can't fix this on our own because it might go back to the way it was

should i do my own and couples or just do the couples,i'm thinking more of couples we need to fix us

You should go with her, and then the therapist will help you with that question. They will want to talk to both of you to get a more clear picture!

Working on the issues separately is a good start. However, you both need to work together for the relationship to have a firm foundation.

By going to marriage/couple's counseling, you would be seeing the same person and be able to get help putting all the changes into practice in an effective manner.

By only working on issues separately, you risk getting conflicting information and ideas because the separate counselors don't know what the other one is suggesting or what the other person sees as the underlying problems.

I am glad you are both getting help for yourselves. Don't forget to get help for the 'couple', too.

Thanks I wll keep u posted

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

thanks i wll keep u posted

I hope to hear great things! Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

the separate counselors don't know what the other one is suggesting or what the other person sees as the underlying problems.

If the couple lets their counselors know about each other and gives permission for them to confer, everyone will be on the same page. If it's physically possible, the entire gang could get together to talk now and then.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If the couple lets their counselors know about each other and gives permission for them to confer, everyone will be on the same page. If it's physically possible, the entire gang could get together to talk now and then.

All parties envoled or just us "the entire gang could get together to talk now and then." what does this mean confused

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

all parties envoled or just us "the entire gang could get together to talk now and then." what does this mean confused

The kids too, they give a great "realistic" picture of the behaviors of the household too! You will talk about all of this as soon as you go to your appointment.

UNLESS, she meant all of the individual therapists and you and your girlfriend. Which could be very well too!

Quote:

Originally Posted by startover22

UNLESS, she meant all of the individual therapists and you and your girlfriend. Which could be very well too!

She meant this -- counselors, children, adults -- the whole gang.

That way the counselors, especially if they have been trained in family systems therapy, would be able to observe the interactions between and among the clients and their children.

Good idea we are going together tomorrow and we will ask him about the kids

Thanks everyone this was theraputic on its own I will keep you posted

Went to our first session things are going great we said we are on the right path to treating each other right and making this work I think that we will be okay as long as we are willing to give this relationship 100% from us both no half a** stuff and as long as I put in effort to show I love her care share the responsibilities 50/50 no 100/100 from us I will let you guys know how the progess is going
THANK'STO EVERYONE

Keep up the counseling and the good work

Awesome! Great news!

Quote:

Originally Posted by HRIVERA

went to our first session things are going great we said we are on the right path to treating each other right and making this work i think that we will be okay as long as we are willing to give this relationship 100% from us both no half a** stuff and as long as i put in effort to show i love her care share the responsibilites 50/50 no 100/100 from us i will let you guys know how the progess is going
THANK'STO EVERYONE

Great news. I hope everything continues to go well.:)

Yeah the one I figured out is that if you have no fear of the UNKNOWN there is nothing really to fear because with the fear of the unknown your mind will make sitituations up and your physicky
Will put that fear in your life and you will never truly be happy or stress free,

Okay people I feel like I have reasched a wall in couples therapy
She is doing everything in her power to make it work I have changed the way I treat her emotionally support her but for some reason every time I pass the name of the street he lives on it bothers me and when I'm in his neighborhood its bothers me I can get over the details,some times I feel great and some times I feel like giving up I ask myself are you strong enough for this me and her talked the other day because she knew something was bothering me so I asked her do you think what I did and what you did are the same she said NO she said that for lasting the whole 10 years it was way worse we both agreed,but I know forvinesess is a act not a feeling why can't I get over the certain details that happened that's when I start to have a bad day