[HRIVERA]

Me and my wife/girlfriend of 10 years came clean with each other about a week ago
We have 3 kids and we really want to change and make this work but for the past 10 years we have been living a lie we knew what we wanted and we truly still love each other we know that we have to change ourselves first my thing I asked my mother to give a honest opinion about how I treated her and she told me you treated her like crap as of recently about a year ago I made a decision to change my ways I saw what I was becoming and didn't like it we know think we know what we need to fix we both know it was 100/100 both of faults but I feel that if she was treated right she might not have done what she did so I ask how do I trust her again after she lost the little trust I had for
How deal with the fear of it happening again.

[JudyKayTee]

I don't understand why this is posted under physical therapy and have asked that it be moved to another section of AMHD.

She is your girlfriend/wife? Which one?

[startover22]

Came clean about what? I think it is great that you both want this to work, that sure is a great first step. Changing your manner or mood in how you speak and act toward her are a sure way to get closer to her. You spoke of mistrust... what happened that you do not trust her? I suppose we would need to know.

[HRIVERA]

I have cheated on her with 3 different women but at the time she only knew of one it was her best friend and she was seeing an old friend off and on for the whole 10 years ,she said she wanted to stop but he the man told her if you break this off I will ruin your life andtell your man everything
But I verbaly put her down telling her she doenst make enough money why did she do this what didn't she do that I watched my father control women ins his life like this maybe this is why my mother and him spilt it's now and then I get the fear of abandonment and I think that is why I have always never trusted women I gave her a little trust but was controlling where are you who are you with why didn't you pick up your phone... I stopped cheating about 3 years ago and that when her activity
Picked up but that is also when she started to work night's 10 pm to 6.30 am and I was working 8.00am to 4.30 pm so we have not had a real relationship for about 5 years since she started the shift we made that choice because she wanted to watch my son and we could not afford day care we said we will have time for each other later we alomost lost each other because ofthis she is quiting her job she changed her number and I truly believe that she wants to be with me forever because if she didn't she would have left me for him or another man already..

[Homegirl 50]

You are both guilty of the same thing, infidelity and you are guilty of treating her like crap. So why and how does she trust you?
I would suggest you two some couple counseling. It may help you deal with the issues you have and help the two of you communicate better and in a more civilized way.

[JudyKayTee]

Let's see - you both cheat on each other (and she has all sorts of reasons she couldn't break off her affair), you admit you verbally abuse her, you don't have a "real relationship" and haven't for more than 5 years, you don't trust her and admit you are very controlling -

I'm thinking that your own behavior is causing you to believe she will leave you. I don't know why she hasn't already.

[startover22]

First thing is first, you can't be the only one who lost trust obviously. Starting over in a new way but in an old relationship can be quite tricky. Especially if there are trust issues. Making a pact that here and now and in the future there will be no more cheating is a great step. As far as I am concerned, I would head for couples therapy. Seems as if you have a few kids that would really enjoy living in a stable home. Good luck!

[HRIVERA]

Yeah I know that we are both 100/100 guilty I feel that I would have treated the right way she would have tested the water so to speak ,well our question is can we do this on our own if we know what we need to do or with this need couple counseling she has low self esteem she had a pretty bad child hood me as well we had similar things happen to us and we both felt like we were never good enough for each other but we know what type of life we want to live and we want to live it together,she had her first daughter at 15 yrs old and then I came in to the picture a year later accepted her and her child but at 17 we had our first we have been "together" for 10 years we know that this happens to a lot of people,and if we were to legally get married all of this would have had to come out sooner or later,
She is the love of my life I fell she is my soul mate she tell's me the same things how do I trust when I have never trusted before

[JudyKayTee]

You need professional counselling.

So is she your wife or your girlfriend? You refer to her as both.

You have two children and are soulmates. If you aren't married, why not?

[HRIVERA]

Let's see - you both cheat on each other (and she has all sorts of reasons why she couldn't break off her affair), you admit you verbally abuse her, you don't have a "real relationship" and haven't for more than 5 years, you don't trust her and admit you are very controlling -

I'm thinking that your own behavior is causing you to believe she will leave you. I don't know why she hasn't already.

She said she truly loves me and I'm a good father

[HRIVERA]

First thing is first, you can't be the only one who lost trust obviously. Starting over in a new way but in an old relationship can be quite tricky. Especially if there are trust issues. Making a pact that here and now and in the future there will be no more cheating is a great step. As far as I am concerned, I would head for couples therapy. Seems as if you have a few kids that would really enjoy living in a stable home. Good luck!

And that is excalty what we want a stable home for them and us both

You need professional counselling.

So is she your wife or your girlfriend? You refer to her as both.

You have two children and are soulmates. If you aren't married, why not?

I'm doing that now as we speak I have my first session tomorrow girlfriend

And are you asking why not get married? Would right now be to soon or would that be a way to show our true comitment to each other

[Wondergirl]

and that is excalty what we want a stable home for them and us both

What good things does she bring to the relationship?

What good things do you bring to the relationship?

[Cat1864]

well our question is can we do this on our own if we know what we need to do or with this need couple counseling

Yes, you need outside help. You both need to learn to trust yourselves and each other and how to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, neither of you have the tools to be able to try to make the changes without causing more problems.

A big lesson to learn: You are not your father. You want to change and build a better life. From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.

Good luck.

[HRIVERA]

What good things does she bring to the relationship?

What good things do you bring to the relationship?

She is a great mother great lover and she has put up with my crap for 10 years and still wants to be with me we would have time togther I would get lost in her eyes I would melt in her hand's she was emitionly always supported me in my career and life choices

I'm a good father she says I her love but the reason she stayed is because the man I was changing into as of recently and the how I treated her when we first started dating and she felt when we had pillow talk she felt I was sincer about what I was saying and I was

[startover22]

DO not use marriage to help things. Keep going to therapy after it starts and work on issues. Marriage is not a fix at any degree, no matter what, you wait till you know for sure and she knows for sure that you can live a life of trust and worth together! Sounds like you both are willing to work on it, and it may take more time than you want it to. BUT, being willing to do right for each other and your kids is so rewarding when you follow through!

[JudyKayTee]

You get lost in her eyes and melt in her hands?

This is not the basis for a good marriage and/or relationship.

What strengths do you bring to the marriage? Pillow talk is one thing. Being supportive is another.

[I wish]

Unfortunately, your relationship is not like a computer. When things go wrong, you can't wipe out the memory and reformat.

Both of your past actions are there to stay. The question is, can you find a way to cope with each other's past, so that you can move forward?

Only time will tell. If both of you are committed to putting in the effort to make it work, then there's definitely a chance. It's going to take a lot of hard work as it's an uphill battle. Professional help is definitely a start. But time and patience are the two key things.

If you both continue to learn from your past and do good deeds from here on, then that's another good step forward. As long as you keep taking steps forward to improve upon. When one of you stop putting in the necessary effort, then the relationship will end one way or another, whether you want it to or not. It has to work both ways.

[HRIVERA]

You get lost in her eyes and melt in her hands?

This is not the basis for a good marriage and/or relationship.

What strengths do you bring to the marriage? Pillow talk is one thing. Being supportive is another.

We are not married just been together for 10 years

She has supported me the whole time in what ever decisions I have made for us and our family and by doing everything for me cooking cleaning when I was down in the dumps she would dust me off and pick me up
Taking care if the kids when I was out doing my own thing
I never supprted her in what she wanted to do
I supported us financally not her emotionally but I know that is what I have to change that why I'm seeking perfesional help to fix me I think the low self esteem came from me putting her down

[HRIVERA]

Yes, you need outside help. You both need to learn to trust yourselves and each other and how to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, neither of you have the tools to be able to try to make the changes without causing more problems.

A big lesson to learn: You are not your father. You want to change and build a better life. From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.

Good luck.

I know but I thought that was how it's done I'm only 28 I started this when I was 18 I was just a kid I thought by controlling her I could keep her and I almost lost her
From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.
He went threw the same thing as me with his father my therapist told me that treatment like is continues form genertation to generation.

[startover22]

we are not married jsut been together for 10 years

she has supported me the whole time in what ever decisions i have made for us and our family and by doing everything for me cooking cleaning when i was down in the dumps she would dust me off and pick me up
taking care if the kids when i was out doing my own thing
i never supprted her in what she wanted to do
i supported us financally not her emotionally but i know that is what i have to change that why i'm seeking perfesional help to fix me i think the low self esteem came from me putting her down

WOW, your manhood just came shining right through as you know down deep what you need to do. Now let your therapist advise you on how to start making the changes you would like to make to make her a happy woman! Seriously, I am proud of you for saying everything in this post, you really are on the right path.