Multiple threads merged

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

We are in our latter thirtys, have a child together, live separate, email or call each other occasionally, and see each other almost every two weeks. She is very insecure, feels she's not in my 'league', accuses me constantly of messing around on her. I tell her all the time that I love her, she's my soulmate, she's my angel, she's the one, etc. etc. Anyway, every time we get together she goes into one of her drilling sessions about why other women are emailing me, why I have friends that are females, and so on. I gave her my email password so she could see for herself that I have nothing to hide. I have many friends, male and female, we like the same tthings, snowboarding and what not, but these are friends I've had for a long time. Im not allowed to be around half of them or talk to them anymore because of her. Two weekends ago I was at a get together at a friends house and my girlfriend told me to call her when I was there. I did, and she demanded I not stay the night even though I was drinking. Actually I ended up leaving earlier because two other friends, being two females Im not allowed around, were coming. So anyway, last weekend while I was with my girlfriend, and she was drilling me, I told her that I left my buddies get together because of the two girls that were coming. So she starts in with, "why would they invite those two knowing full well that you are not allowed around them?" I simply told her that I can't tell my friends wife who she can or can't invite to her own house. So then she told me, "well now your not allowed over his house either!"
I do get so tired of her accusing me of things and being so insecure. I just had enough and I let her know it. I said some mean things, of which I apologized for, but she kept on going on about it that night that I just couldn't take it anymore.
So anyway, she's mad at me, she won't forgive me, she says she can never trust me, and she wants to break up again. I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Any suggestions or insight? Do I just give up all my friends? Im not sure if that would even satisfy her. I want to make it work, and I also want her to feel secure.

You can't make it work with an insecure person no matter how hard you try. She is constantly going be accuse you of things because it is all in her head. She needs help, professional help. Why do you have to give up your friends who you knew before her? What happens if your out with her and you glance too long at a girl walking by?

I understand that you want to try your hardest to make it work, especially since the two of you have a child together, but she is way to demanding and controlling. She might as well keep you lock inside the house so she can watch your every move.

This relationship is unhealthy and some where down the road your going get fed up so she needs to change, not you.

I believe it is time to let her go. She seems to use the break up as a scare tactic to get her way since she knows you come back.

This time let her go. Spending your time with someone that makes you walk on eggshells is no fun, it's stressful and it eventually makes you into another person. I know this. I was in a relationship like that, I'm just getting out of it. I was completely different; I would triple think my decisions based on what he would think, I would be scared to take any decisions without his input-- it was just not a very good relationship.

You may have had your good times, of course, but it's time to let her go so she can see herself and what an ugly character she's become.

I assure you, she'll come back to you and plead and perhaps maybe she will change. For the meantime, let her go on her merry way with her empty threats.

Sarah

The accuser, she has nothing to accuse you of.

Wow, this is amazing. It is called black mail and controlling.

Get rid of her. Who cares if she can not forgive you. Forgive you for what telling her the truth. For telling her how you feel. It is her problem she can not handle it.

It is good to know that you finally had enough and stood up for yourself. Sometimes these things happen for a reason. You do not need this.

Hope your ready...

Be a good dad, love your child, and tell her to shut the frakk up, and leave you alone. Her behavior is unacceptable. You must love the punishment she doles out.

Change your passwords.

SHE ALLOWS WHAT??

Perhaps she is insecure because you two have been together long enough to have a kid together, but you only email or call each other see each other every two weeks. Do you live in different states or something? If you love her so much why are you only emailing and seeing each other every two weeks? The whole relationship seems strange to me. Perhaps this is the source of her distrust. Looking on the outside I'd think you were either married or cheating on her too.
But if you are tired of it, leave her but take care of the child you made.

You say you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, how do you know? You don't spend anytime with her now. You must like this drama.
You don't tell a woman she is your soulmate, the love of her life and call her occasionally. Do you two live in different states? This sounds hinky to me.

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Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her..

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If you love her and want to stay with her, go into therapy with her. There, you can work on yourself, on your readiness to be half of a healthy, equal partnership as a couple and as parents. Encourage her to work on herself, on what she needs to relax and feel secure. Let the therapist guide you into working out your boundary issues (You set no boundaries. She controls the relationship and wouldn't respect your boundaries if you set them.)

Commit to a year.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You say you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, how do you know? You don't spend anytime with her now. You must like this drama.
You don't tell a woman she is your soulmate, the love of her life and call her occasionally. Do you two live in different states? This sounds hinky to me.

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First off, thank you all for your responses. We live in the same state, abou 25 miles away from each other. We were living together up until about 5 months ago because of financial difficulties. We are planning to live togther again when we get the financial capability again. We are not married, and no, Iam not and never would cheat on her. I do not like the drama either, the little bit of time we do have together is too valuable to me.

25 miles is not a great distance and why do you only talk on the phone occasionally. That is what I don't get. I would not be able to understand why I would only get an occasional phone call or email from someone who claims he loves me and I his soulmate, especially if you don't live that far away. I mean if you can go party with friends why can you not go see her and your child. She could be feeling this way because of that.
At any rate, if this bothers you leave and don't keep going back.

Is she worth ditching all your friends? Are you okay with someone directing your life and choices? Are you prepared to have a parole officer as a partner?

Me thinks no.

Sarah

I bet if you were to tell her who not to hang out with, where not to go, etc she would leave you so quick and wouldn't care.

A relationship isn't suppose to have these rules attach to it because she has trust issues.

Sooner or later your going get sick of her long list of demands. Believe me!

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Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

We are in our latter thirties, have a child together, live separate, email or call each other occasionally, and see each other almost every two weeks. She is very insecure, feels she's not in my 'league', accuses me constantly of messing around on her. .

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Though she sounds and may be obsessive, your unavailability to her does not help the matter any. Why are you only talking to each other occasionally and seeing each other almost every two weeks? You don't live that far away from each other. I think your actions maybe fostering her insecurity. You go out with your friends but you only see your soul mate, the mother of your child, the woman you say you love, almost every two weeks. That is whack!

Leave the woman alone then and stop going back.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

If you love her and want to stay with her, go into therapy with her. There, you can work on yourself, on your readiness to be half of a healthy, equal partnership as a couple and as parents. Encourage her to work on herself, on what she needs to relax and feel secure. Let the therapist guide you into working out your boundary issues (You set no boundaries. She controls the relationship and wouldn't respect your boundaries if you set them.)

Commit to a year.

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This is great advice. It is something we have talked about doing before. For now she is looking to get some counseling on her own for some other unrelated (or possibly related in some way) issues by herself. But for now we won't be doing it together. Thank you.

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

Is she worth ditching all your friends? Are you okay with someone directing your life and choices? Are you prepared to have a parole officer as a partner?

Me thinks no.

Sarah

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No I don't want that, but I also want to consider her feelings as well. What Im not sure about is if I give up some of my friends, will it make the difference? When you love someone, aren't we supposed to make comprimises to accomidate that person in our lives? Or is that wrong. I've never been this in love with anyone before.

I think if you spent some/more time with her you may see a difference. I'm not understanding why you are not spending time with this woman you say you love.
But if she does indeed have problems you may need to give it up until she gets some help.

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Originally Posted by liz28

I bet if you were to tell her who not to hang out with, where not to go, etc she would leave you so quick and wouldn't care.

A relationship isn't suppose to have these rules attach to it because she has trust issues.

Sooner or later your going get sick of her long list of demands. Believe me!

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Hey Liz, you have some great advise and I agree with what you are saying. Isn't it normal for a woman to wonder about what her man is doing when they are away with them, like on trips, like snowboarding. My girlfriend does not snowboard, in fact she isn't really athletic in anyway, not to say that's bad, I love her to death. But I have a certain group of friends that I have a lot in common with. Is there any way to make her feel better or more secure? Other than just letting her go or letting some friends go. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think if you spent some/more time with her you may see a difference. I'm not understanding why you are not spending time with this woman you say you love.
But if she does indeed have problems you may need to give it up until she gets some help.

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Hey homegirl, right now its hard for us to get more time together due to her work hours, our finances, the distance, and my work hours, then she has a daughter of her own to take care of as well.

I see, well I wish you luck. Hope you make the right decision.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I see, well I wish you luck. Hope you make the right decision.

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Thank you

She can only get away with what you let her get away with my friend. Stand your ground or she will run over you. Let her disrespect you, and she will. Its up to you really to set the boundaries of good behavior for yourself.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She can only get away with what you let her get away with my friend. Stand your ground or she will run over you. Let her disrespect you, and she will. Its up to you really to set the boundaries of good behavior for yourself.

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So true. Maybe Im the one with security or esteem issues for worrying about all this. Maybe I'm the one who is too afraid to let go, I guess I'm afraid it won't prove anything and she will never come back.Sometimes I ask myself why I put up with it, other times I wonder if Im the problem. So many things to think about. I know that no two people think the same way or feel the same way, I just don't understand why I feel I try to pay more attention to how she feels but she doesn't seem to care as much as mine. Im so confused. Thanks Talaniman.

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Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

I just don't understand why I feel I try to pay more attention to how she feels but she doesn't seem to care as much as mine. Im so confused.

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OK. So you're confused. This is stretching your brain in different directions. You feel strongly that you want to be with her, that she's the one, yet her behavior it truly impossible to be around. Her compulsion to control is suffocating. Despite your rationalizations, it's hard to imagine going deeper into this independence-draining relationship and being OK.

People near you must be telling you what we've been telling you. You have probably had many of the thoughts others are presenting to you. But, somehow, the reasoning of direct observers and cyber-opinionators like us doesn't clear things up for you.

This reasoning says Get Out Now or address what needs to be addressed—determining how she sees your role and value in her life, clarifying the terms of interaction in your relationship, which means the "Rules of Play" that establish what is and is not OK, and the drawing of boundaries or lines that neither of you can cross.

Address these things and you won't be confused. If you can't work them out with her, she's not the one for you. She's not even safe to be around. If, on the other hand, you can have clear roles/value, terms, and boundaries, you might get what you want with her.

Threads merged.

Hello all. Back with another problem with the girlfriend I need some input on. I asked before about why mygirlfriend is insecure and possibly controlling. We live some distance from each other and don't spend a lot of time together. Anyway, things have been fine between us lately and I think we got a lot of issues cleared up. I had plans for this weekend with some friends to go snowboarding, but she decided she would be able to come down for the weekend to spend time together with me, so I cancelled my other plans to be with her instead. I just talked to her a little while ago over the phone, she told me she will call me tomorrow before she comes down. I asked what time because I would like to get some things done in the morning away from the house before she comes, and if I know what time she will call, I'll make it a point to be here when she does. She told me she doesn't know, so I said that if I'm not here then, just come down anyway, I will probably be back by the river. She says no, if she doesn't talk to me first on the phone, she won't be coming, I asked why, she says just because. I said I'm not just going to sit around the house all day waiting for a call when I can get something done in the mean time. She says, well why not. I just said whatever, goodnight.
What is she trying to pull now? Does anybody know what if any kind of game she is trying to play? I just can't understand her sometimes. Please don't just suggest that I need to get away from her, or I need to move on. Im trying to figure out if there is some logic, no matter how immature it is, to why she does these things. Thank you.

She is basically wanting you to 'jump' when she calls, regardless of whatever other priorities you have in life. A person like this isn't someone that will ever respect your time or be able to communicate in a productive way. These types of back door control tactics destroy relationships and you sound like a reasonable guy so I think you should stand your ground and not feed this behavior. If she says she won't come down if you don't answer when she first calls, tell her "wow, that's too bad because I was so looking forward to seeing you". Let her marinate in her own bad behavior.
The other thing is cancelling plans to see her. Don't you guys plan your time together in advance? Are you always at her beck and call? If you are always dropping everything to cater to her demands, you'll just create a monster.

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Pathisfer;1690301, She is basically wanting you to 'jump' when she calls, regardless of whatever other priorities you have in life.

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Is there a reason for this? What motivates someone to expect someone else to jump and be at their beck and call? And why would they want to be with someone who would fall for that?

Some people are so insecure or narcissistic that they need that type of attention and when they don't get it, they feel betrayed or unimportant. Healthy people understand that they are not the center of the universe.
Why would someone want to be with a person who would fall for that? It validates their ego and gives them control. In your situation, you are enabling unhealthy behavior and actually not really supporting her growth as a person, you are stunting it.

But what should I do? I don't want to break things off with her, we've been in this relationship for 2 and a half years and have a child together. I don't want her behaviour to continue.

The only behavior you can change is your own and that is setting limits, not giving in to her. You can always try couples counseling. If you choose to do nothing, then it will only get worse and both of you will be miserable and the relationship won't last. You are also teaching your child unhealthy ways to communicate and problem solve, right?
She has no incentive to change because she is getting what she wants at your expense so you are going to have to summon the courage to set boundaries or seek a professional if you are unable to do it on your own.

Your supposed to sit home, and wait for her to show up, no matter the time, so she can be sure your in love with her the way she wants. She needs that.

For as perfect as you think she is, she has her own flaws, that may make her incompatible with you sometimes. A lot depends on the way you handle your differences.

Honest communications are ideal, but difficult, as she seems to want it her way. Either you give in, or it will be a very rocky time.

The distance between you helps nothing at all, and may be making things worse. That's why she wants you to prove how much you miss her. If you don't give up all your plans and give her your full attention, your in deep doodoo!!

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sabrewolfe agrees: very good answer, but why would she need that to be sure I love her?

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Because sometimes insecure people need some kind of control, and a lot of attention, to feel good about themselves. That's part her, and partly the distance, and time that separates you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Because sometimes insecure people need some kind of control, and a lot of attention, to feel good about themselves. Thats part her, and partly the distance, and time that separates you.

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That's so sad she feels that way, it honestly breaks my heart to think she feels insecure with me. I love this woman to death, I don't know how else to help her feel more secure about that other than letting the control issues go on and try not to complain. Maybe that's one reason I've let it happen this long. Just wish there were another way. Thanks Talaniman.

Read this, and see if it fits,

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

I think that you need to accept that this type of behaviour is not healthy or normal. It certainly does not seem to make either of you happy does it?

I recommend you look at a great website - "Shrink 4 Men". It might give you some understanding of your partner's behaviour, which I would suggest verges on the abusive. I do warn you though, you might be upset by what you read.

It's really hard, and it may mean you'll lose her, but it's important that you gently but firmly start setting boundaries. You can't change her behaviour, but you can change your own response to it. The more you pander to her demands and try to "do things her way", the more you'll paint yourself into a corner.

I would suggest that you might think about seeing a counsellor on your own so that you can work through managing her manipulative behaviour.

I also think the both of you going to counseling together would also be a great benefit

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

I think that you need to accept that this type of behaviour is not healthy or normal. It certainly does not seem to make either of you happy does it?

I recommend you look at a great website - "Shrink 4 Men". It might give you some understanding of your partner's behaviour, which I would suggest verges on the abusive. I do warn you though, you might be upset by what you read.

It's really hard, and it may mean you'll lose her, but it's important that you gently but firmly start setting boundaries. You can't change her behaviour, but you can change your own response to it. The more you pander to her demands and try to "do things her way", the more you'll paint yourself into a corner.

I would suggest that you might think about seeing a counsellor on your own so that you can work through managing her manipulative behaviour.

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I read all the information provided by the website you suggested, it was very informative and opened my eyes too much more understanding. I would like to start a thread about personality disorders and hopefully gain more perspective about it. I have many more questions and think maybe others can share their own experiences and knowledge. Thank you.

Threads merged.


Hi, I had previously posted a few questions about my girlfriends behaviour. I had a lot of great input and advice which was very helpful. One inparticular suggested a website which discussed personality disorders, narcistic behaviour, historiac, boarderline, etc. and symptoms of them and the damage it can do to the victim of that in the relationship. It was very informative, but still left me with some curiosity about it and how to handle someone who possibly has a personality disorder. I would like to know if anyone has any experience and or knowledge to share about it. Thank you.

First, does she fit, any of those, or does she have maybe something else. Mental health is touch and go, and sketchey at best. She could have more than just one of those personality disorders, and she could have various other issues you still don't know about.

What are her behaviours? List them as best you can. Mood swings, personality glitches, any tendencies she has.

Personally I suggest you go to a counseler, they'd be best to help in learning about these things, how to cope with these things, and how to pay attention.

Be open minded, and respect her no matter what. A disorder is not who a person is, it's what they deal with whether they like it or not. So be aware for that.

If she seems like she might have something let some one know, talk to her about it. If you can't be open and honest, then there isn't much else you can do.

Peace and kindness

The personality disorders you listed are the ones that are most difficult to treat, according to psychologists. A great book on Borderline is Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson and Quit Walking on Eggshells.
People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck deals with narcissistic type people.

Be very careful that you don't diagnose her. I have a master's in psych and have to be careful too, because, as far as I'm concerned some days, most of the people in my life are nutcases.

The only ones who can legitimately diagnose her are psychologists or psychiatrists. I can't, you can't, even she can't diagnose herself. In fact, there are a few psychologists and psychiatrists I've know whom I wouldn't let near me! And, like someone said earlier in this thread, it often isn't just one thing -- someone with a borderline personality might also have OCD or someone who's histrionic might also be depressed and get panic attacks.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you want to know "how to handle someone who possibly has a personality disorder." Would you act differently if she is narcissictic instead of borderline? What if YOU'RE the one with the personality disorder?