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talaniman · Apr 15, 2009, 06:45 AM

She can only get away with what you let her get away with my friend. Stand your ground or she will run over you. Let her disrespect you, and she will. Its up to you really to set the boundaries of good behavior for yourself.

sabrewolfe · Apr 15, 2009, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

She can only get away with what you let her get away with my friend. Stand your ground or she will run over you. Let her disrespect you, and she will. Its up to you really to set the boundaries of good behavior for yourself.

So true. Maybe Im the one with security or esteem issues for worrying about all this. Maybe I'm the one who is too afraid to let go, I guess I'm afraid it won't prove anything and she will never come back.Sometimes I ask myself why I put up with it, other times I wonder if Im the problem. So many things to think about. I know that no two people think the same way or feel the same way, I just don't understand why I feel I try to pay more attention to how she feels but she doesn't seem to care as much as mine. Im so confused. Thanks Talaniman.

taoplr · Apr 15, 2009, 11:56 PM

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

I just don't understand why I feel I try to pay more attention to how she feels but she doesn't seem to care as much as mine. Im so confused.

OK. So you're confused. This is stretching your brain in different directions. You feel strongly that you want to be with her, that she's the one, yet her behavior it truly impossible to be around. Her compulsion to control is suffocating. Despite your rationalizations, it's hard to imagine going deeper into this independence-draining relationship and being OK.

People near you must be telling you what we've been telling you. You have probably had many of the thoughts others are presenting to you. But, somehow, the reasoning of direct observers and cyber-opinionators like us doesn't clear things up for you.

This reasoning says Get Out Now or address what needs to be addressed—determining how she sees your role and value in her life, clarifying the terms of interaction in your relationship, which means the "Rules of Play" that establish what is and is not OK, and the drawing of boundaries or lines that neither of you can cross.

Address these things and you won't be confused. If you can't work them out with her, she's not the one for you. She's not even safe to be around. If, on the other hand, you can have clear roles/value, terms, and boundaries, you might get what you want with her.

sabrewolfe · Apr 24, 2009, 07:59 PM

Threads merged.

Hello all. Back with another problem with the girlfriend I need some input on. I asked before about why mygirlfriend is insecure and possibly controlling. We live some distance from each other and don't spend a lot of time together. Anyway, things have been fine between us lately and I think we got a lot of issues cleared up. I had plans for this weekend with some friends to go snowboarding, but she decided she would be able to come down for the weekend to spend time together with me, so I cancelled my other plans to be with her instead. I just talked to her a little while ago over the phone, she told me she will call me tomorrow before she comes down. I asked what time because I would like to get some things done in the morning away from the house before she comes, and if I know what time she will call, I'll make it a point to be here when she does. She told me she doesn't know, so I said that if I'm not here then, just come down anyway, I will probably be back by the river. She says no, if she doesn't talk to me first on the phone, she won't be coming, I asked why, she says just because. I said I'm not just going to sit around the house all day waiting for a call when I can get something done in the mean time. She says, well why not. I just said whatever, goodnight.
What is she trying to pull now? Does anybody know what if any kind of game she is trying to play? I just can't understand her sometimes. Please don't just suggest that I need to get away from her, or I need to move on. Im trying to figure out if there is some logic, no matter how immature it is, to why she does these things. Thank you.

pathisfer · Apr 24, 2009, 08:08 PM

She is basically wanting you to 'jump' when she calls, regardless of whatever other priorities you have in life. A person like this isn't someone that will ever respect your time or be able to communicate in a productive way. These types of back door control tactics destroy relationships and you sound like a reasonable guy so I think you should stand your ground and not feed this behavior. If she says she won't come down if you don't answer when she first calls, tell her "wow, that's too bad because I was so looking forward to seeing you". Let her marinate in her own bad behavior.
The other thing is cancelling plans to see her. Don't you guys plan your time together in advance? Are you always at her beck and call? If you are always dropping everything to cater to her demands, you'll just create a monster.

sabrewolfe · Apr 24, 2009, 08:26 PM

Pathisfer;1690301, She is basically wanting you to 'jump' when she calls, regardless of whatever other priorities you have in life.

Is there a reason for this? What motivates someone to expect someone else to jump and be at their beck and call? And why would they want to be with someone who would fall for that?

pathisfer · Apr 24, 2009, 08:35 PM

Some people are so insecure or narcissistic that they need that type of attention and when they don't get it, they feel betrayed or unimportant. Healthy people understand that they are not the center of the universe.
Why would someone want to be with a person who would fall for that? It validates their ego and gives them control. In your situation, you are enabling unhealthy behavior and actually not really supporting her growth as a person, you are stunting it.

sabrewolfe · Apr 24, 2009, 08:39 PM

But what should I do? I don't want to break things off with her, we've been in this relationship for 2 and a half years and have a child together. I don't want her behaviour to continue.

pathisfer · Apr 24, 2009, 08:51 PM

The only behavior you can change is your own and that is setting limits, not giving in to her. You can always try couples counseling. If you choose to do nothing, then it will only get worse and both of you will be miserable and the relationship won't last. You are also teaching your child unhealthy ways to communicate and problem solve, right?
She has no incentive to change because she is getting what she wants at your expense so you are going to have to summon the courage to set boundaries or seek a professional if you are unable to do it on your own.

talaniman · Apr 24, 2009, 09:05 PM

Your supposed to sit home, and wait for her to show up, no matter the time, so she can be sure your in love with her the way she wants. She needs that.

For as perfect as you think she is, she has her own flaws, that may make her incompatible with you sometimes. A lot depends on the way you handle your differences.

Honest communications are ideal, but difficult, as she seems to want it her way. Either you give in, or it will be a very rocky time.

The distance between you helps nothing at all, and may be making things worse. That's why she wants you to prove how much you miss her. If you don't give up all your plans and give her your full attention, your in deep doodoo!!

talaniman · Apr 24, 2009, 09:54 PM

sabrewolfe agrees: very good answer, but why would she need that to be sure I love her?

Because sometimes insecure people need some kind of control, and a lot of attention, to feel good about themselves. That's part her, and partly the distance, and time that separates you.

sabrewolfe · Apr 24, 2009, 10:01 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Because sometimes insecure people need some kind of control, and a lot of attention, to feel good about themselves. Thats part her, and partly the distance, and time that separates you.

That's so sad she feels that way, it honestly breaks my heart to think she feels insecure with me. I love this woman to death, I don't know how else to help her feel more secure about that other than letting the control issues go on and try not to complain. Maybe that's one reason I've let it happen this long. Just wish there were another way. Thanks Talaniman.

talaniman · Apr 24, 2009, 10:09 PM

Read this, and see if it fits,

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Gemini54 · Apr 25, 2009, 12:09 AM

I think that you need to accept that this type of behaviour is not healthy or normal. It certainly does not seem to make either of you happy does it?

I recommend you look at a great website - "Shrink 4 Men". It might give you some understanding of your partner's behaviour, which I would suggest verges on the abusive. I do warn you though, you might be upset by what you read.

It's really hard, and it may mean you'll lose her, but it's important that you gently but firmly start setting boundaries. You can't change her behaviour, but you can change your own response to it. The more you pander to her demands and try to "do things her way", the more you'll paint yourself into a corner.

I would suggest that you might think about seeing a counsellor on your own so that you can work through managing her manipulative behaviour.

lighterrr · Apr 25, 2009, 12:24 AM

I also think the both of you going to counseling together would also be a great benefit

sabrewolfe · Apr 26, 2009, 05:02 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I think that you need to accept that this type of behaviour is not healthy or normal. It certainly does not seem to make either of you happy does it?

I recommend you look at a great website - "Shrink 4 Men". It might give you some understanding of your partner's behaviour, which I would suggest verges on the abusive. I do warn you though, you might be upset by what you read.

It's really hard, and it may mean you'll lose her, but it's important that you gently but firmly start setting boundaries. You can't change her behaviour, but you can change your own response to it. The more you pander to her demands and try to "do things her way", the more you'll paint yourself into a corner.

I would suggest that you might think about seeing a counsellor on your own so that you can work through managing her manipulative behaviour.

I read all the information provided by the website you suggested, it was very informative and opened my eyes too much more understanding. I would like to start a thread about personality disorders and hopefully gain more perspective about it. I have many more questions and think maybe others can share their own experiences and knowledge. Thank you.

sabrewolfe · Apr 26, 2009, 05:52 PM

Threads merged.

Hi, I had previously posted a few questions about my girlfriends behaviour. I had a lot of great input and advice which was very helpful. One inparticular suggested a website which discussed personality disorders, narcistic behaviour, historiac, boarderline, etc. and symptoms of them and the damage it can do to the victim of that in the relationship. It was very informative, but still left me with some curiosity about it and how to handle someone who possibly has a personality disorder. I would like to know if anyone has any experience and or knowledge to share about it. Thank you.

Nestorian · Apr 26, 2009, 06:00 PM

First, does she fit, any of those, or does she have maybe something else. Mental health is touch and go, and sketchey at best. She could have more than just one of those personality disorders, and she could have various other issues you still don't know about.

What are her behaviours? List them as best you can. Mood swings, personality glitches, any tendencies she has.

Personally I suggest you go to a counseler, they'd be best to help in learning about these things, how to cope with these things, and how to pay attention.

Be open minded, and respect her no matter what. A disorder is not who a person is, it's what they deal with whether they like it or not. So be aware for that.

If she seems like she might have something let some one know, talk to her about it. If you can't be open and honest, then there isn't much else you can do.

Peace and kindness

pathisfer · Apr 26, 2009, 06:08 PM

The personality disorders you listed are the ones that are most difficult to treat, according to psychologists. A great book on Borderline is Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson and Quit Walking on Eggshells.
People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck deals with narcissistic type people.

Wondergirl · Apr 26, 2009, 06:23 PM

Be very careful that you don't diagnose her. I have a master's in psych and have to be careful too, because, as far as I'm concerned some days, most of the people in my life are nutcases.

The only ones who can legitimately diagnose her are psychologists or psychiatrists. I can't, you can't, even she can't diagnose herself. In fact, there are a few psychologists and psychiatrists I've know whom I wouldn't let near me! And, like someone said earlier in this thread, it often isn't just one thing -- someone with a borderline personality might also have OCD or someone who's histrionic might also be depressed and get panic attacks.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you want to know "how to handle someone who possibly has a personality disorder." Would you act differently if she is narcissictic instead of borderline? What if YOU'RE the one with the personality disorder?