My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 weeks, she was just out of a relationship at the beginning of the semester, he broke up with her, but now he wants her back but she wouldn't take him back, so I guess she could be considered the dumper. She told me up front that she didn't want a serious relationship with me like she had before, but that it could work out. She told me that she still was in love with her ex, but that she wouldn't let her feelings for him have any effect on our relationship, and it doesn't seem like it has, she doesn't really bring him up. But he still emails her, and whenever he does, she gets really upset. Yesterday she told him that she wanted to get back with him, and that it was hard for her to not go back, but that it wasn't healthy for them right now. She then later told him that she felt like she was emotionally cheating on me, and that she can't talk to him for a while because its unfair for her to be caught up with him while she's with me. He asked her if it meant they were over for good, but she told him that's not what she meant, and that he needs to be patient, and give her the space that she needs and if that he really wanted her he would let her go for a while. I just read these emails cause she left them up on her laptop, and left it in my room this morning when she went to class. I've been googling the signs of a rebound relationship, and we don't really fit them too well, cause we aren't sleeping together, and we aren't saying I love you, but the fact that she told him she wants him back but couldn't take him back right now, and then she came back and told him to not talk to her cause she felt guilty makes me a bit nervous. Can she really be in love with him and not let it effect or relationship?

She s nowhere near over her ex and regardless of the two of you not having sex etc that makes you her rebound. She should take time to recover from the breakup instead of trying to jump into a new relationship.
Leaving the laptop s a big hint, I suggest you take it and bow out.

You are just a warm body to get her company. She has yet to deal with her own feelings and before she does that, you are just going to be easily replaced

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Originally Posted by lp2009

she told me up front that she didn't want a serious relationship with me like she had before, but that it could work out. She told me that she still was in love with her ex.

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Pretty much says it all right here, no need to read further. She seems to be extremely honest with you. I know if someone told me this, I would be gone, no questions asked. I would think the signs are pretty clear to you right now, so leave before you get hurt.

She is not over her EX at all and I think at the end of the day you are going to be disapointed. I think it would be best if you just backed away now. She needs to deal with her own issues!

I am sure she has walls up from her ex which will block her from wanting or considering a serious relationship any time soon. She sounds stuck between needing to get over him and wanting to move on. That's a confusing point to be in and now your right in the middle. If I were you I would just bow out and wish her luck. She is playing mind games and keeping you both hanging on even if she doesn't realize it. Before you get to deep I would move on before you get hurt.

The thing is, she said she doesn't let her feelings for her ex interfere with her feelings for me. I thought that if we were in a rebound, she would transfer her emotions from him to me, but since she keeps them separate, maybe its different? And she felt guilty for emotionally cheating on me by talking to her ex about their relationship, that means that she does care about me right? She told him all she wants for him is happiness so I know she cares about him. She told him she was in a lot of pain and that their breakup has been effecting her grades, and that whenever he emails her, she breaks down that's why she doesn't want to talk to him, so I feel like I'm her knight in shining armor

You cannot be in love with someone and logically date someone else. That is robbing you of a true relationship and that person's complete devotion to you. I'm sorry, but to have feelings that deep for someone else and still date another guy, it is impossible to not let that interfere. I am stunned you sat there and let her say that to you and you are still talking yourself into this being a normal and healthy start to a relationship. Why would you want to date someone who is in love with another guy?

But she also said these things, which I would take as red flags:

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Originally Posted by lp2009

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 weeks, she was just out of a relationship at the beginning of the semester, he broke up with her, but now he wants her back but she wouldn't take him back, so I guess she could be considered the dumper. she told me up front that she didn't want a serious relationship with me like she had before, but that it could work out. She told me that she still was in love with her ex, but that she wouldn't let her feelings for him have any effect on our relationship, and it doesn't seem like it has, she doesn't really bring him up. But he still emails her, and whenever he does, she gets really upset. Yesterday she told him that she wanted to get back with him, and that it was hard for her to not go back, but that it wasn't healthy for them right now. She then later told him that she felt like she was emotionally cheating on me, and that she can't talk to him for a while because its unfair for her to be caught up with him while she's with me. He asked her if it meant they were over for good, but she told him thats not what she meant, and that he needs to be patient, and give her the space that she needs and if that he really wanted her he would let her go for a while. I just read these emails cause she left them up on her laptop, and left it in my room this morning when she went to class. I've been googling the signs of a rebound relationship, and we don;t really fit them too well, cause we aren't sleeping together, and we aren'tsaying I love you, but the fact that she told him she wants him back but coulndt take him back right now, and then she came back and told him to not talk to her cause she felt guilty makes me a bit nervous. Can she really be in love with him and not let it effect or relationship??

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To be honest with you, she's out of my league, many people were shocked when we started dating, but we do have a lot in comon, and I've been doing a lot of stuff for her that she likes, like we went hiking and she said she;s never done that before.

But I never thought I'd be with her, last semester she was with her ex and she was crazy of her and very loyal. Now that I have the chance, I don't want to let it go. She told her boyfriend to not talk to her cause she was with ME now, and she felt like she was emotionally cheating on me by talking to him. Does that count for anything?

And the fact that she was open with me about it, that she has feelings for her ex it made me feel like she wants it to work and she wants to be completely honest with me, but she says that since he was her first love, she will always be in love with him, which I guess means it doesn't matter if we start dating now, or 3 years from now she's still going to feel the same way about him.

The thing is, we do get along, and have fun, it almost seems like we're a normal relationship, just going a little slow, but she said that her feelings for her ex won't effect her relationship with me... is that possible? I'm so confused just about that one part

I am getting the feeling you have very low self esteem.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But she also said these things, which I would take as red flags:

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But the context that she used him in, was that she wasn't going back to him, I guess he was trying to convince her that she still cared about him, but she just came out and said that she does want to be with him, but she can't, can u be with someone, and want to be with another person, and still fall in love with the other person? Is there anyway that she could fall for me?

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I am getting the feeling you have very low self esteem.

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Well its not that, she likes my confidence she said, but she's a beauty queen, and people were like shocked when we started dating, I mean I'm not going to pretend like she can't get a better looking guy than me, a lot of her friends asked her what she was thinking but she didn't care, that also makes me feel good about our relationship

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Originally Posted by lp2009

Well its not that, she likes my confidence she said, but she's a beauty queen, and people were like shocked when we started dating, i mean i'm not going to pretend like she can't get a better looking guy than me, a lot of her friends asked her what she was thinking but she didn't care, that also makes me feel good about our relationship

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You don't have a relationship! This is absurd! If Megan Fox walked up to me and said all those things I wouldn't care! I am not going to get used like that. Every single response to your post has been to get out and you still don't listen. It's like you want us to say, "Go ahead and date her, it will work out." There is a general theme here. If you had any sort of confidence or self preservation you wouldn't sit there listen to her BS about her ex, you would be gone!

Thank you, I understand what you mean.. and I should def. get out, but she's not the type of girl to use someone, like I said she's very loyal, she didn't cheat on her boyfriend at all last year and they're at different colleges, she's a very very nice girl, my last question is, if she's using me, is it possible she's doing it without knowing?
I appreciate all the advice everybody

Let me ask you an honest question: If she wasn't as beautiful as you protest, would we even be having this conversation?

I think so, because, looks aren't everything, and she's a deep girl. The reason why I'm concerned here is because she told her ex this,exact copy paste from the email

" I think you understand that I do want to be with you, I do care about you, as bad as I want to come back to you, we're both not ready for a relationship so serious"

And in an email a few hours later, after we had hung out she said

"I'm not going to talk to you for a very long time, our emotions are high right now and all we are doing is prolonging the pain. I have a boyfriend now and I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on him by being caught up with you. Whether you like it or not, he's there and we both have to respect him...my feelings for you do not have ANY effect on my relationship with him"

I just don't know what that means. She told me before we started dating that she wanted him to move on, but telling him that isn't going to help him want to move on cause its giving him false hope. It doesn't seem liike her ex is effecting our relationship...

If her ex wasn't affecting your relationship you wouldn't be posting here.You ll end up hurting that's our concern.

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Originally Posted by amicon

If her ex wasnt affecting your relationship you wouldnt be posting here.You ll end up hurting thats our concern.

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To be honest, that's not my concern. I am more concerned about that fact that this is so blatant and you neglect to even see the signs here.

KCTiger rule: NEVER get involved with a woman who is still involved with her ex.

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Originally Posted by amicon

If her ex wasnt affecting your relationship you wouldnt be posting here.You ll end up hurting thats our concern.

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But he really hasn't had any effect until now, and the only reason I'm here is because she left the emails up, and I saw them when she left for class, she usually leaves her laptop at my room after we have breakfast and she goes to class, but she left her email up and I saw she was emialing her ex, so she hasn't brought him up, I just ran across it

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Originally Posted by kctiger

To be honest, that's not my concern. I am more concerned about that fact that this is so blatant and you neglect to even see the signs here.

KCTiger rule: NEVER get involved with a woman who is still involved with her ex.

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I understand, I really do, when you mean involved with your ex, what do you mean?

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Originally Posted by lp2009

I understand, I really do, when you mean involved with your ex, what do you mean?

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She is still talking to her ex, has feelings for her ex and talks to you about that. She is still involved with her ex, both physically and emotionally.

I have to ask where did she get the magic formula to separate her emotions?

Is she a robot?

Its impossible to just switch from feelings of possible love to feelings of hurt and loss..

She may say she respects you,but her actions are showing she thinks you're a chump... they are only words.

Has she ever been on her own? Ever without a boyfriend?

And what age group are we talking here,sounds like 12 and 13 year behaviour...

Pick up yourself respect,and find a girl who will treat you right...

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Originally Posted by kctiger

She is still talking to her ex, has feelings for her ex and talks to you about that. She is still involved with her ex, both physically and emotionally.

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Physically they aren't involved, she hasn't seen him since they broke up, he goes to a college over 2 hours away. The only time she talks to her ex is when he messages her. I read some old emials and she always asks him to stop, and then he does, but he will like a week later. And the only time she's really brought him up was at the beginning she just told me that hse still has feelings for him, I thnk she did that so that I would understand her better and so that she didn't end up hurting me

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Originally Posted by redhed35

i have to ask where did she get the magic formula to seperate her emotions?

is she a robot?

its impossible to just switch from feelings of possible love to feelings of hurt and loss..

she may say she respects you,but her actions are showing she thinks your a chump...they are only words.

has she ever been on her own? ever without a boyfriend?

and what age gruop are we talking here,sounds like 12 and 13 year behaviour...

pick up your self respect,and find a girl who will treat you right...

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We are all sophomores in college, she dated him for 3 years, so I guess since she was 16, and that was her first boyfriend, they were broken up for 3 weeks before we started dating. So I guess she hasn't really been single for a while.

As a woman? You think its impossible to separate feelings for an ex, from our relationship?

And you have to also understand that she told him to leave her alone because she felt lke she was emotionally cheating on me by talking to him about their old relationship. Does that not mean anything either? She clearly told him she has a boyfriend now and that they have to respect that, that maybe a friendship is possible in the future, but every time they talk it just prolongs the pain of the relationship.

She also told him that their breakup has effected her and her grades and that she's always going to care about him

... idk the tone of the emials changed dramatically after we hung out yesterday, before she saw me, she was explaining to him why they broke up, going over their relationship, when she got back, she just told him, "im not talkin to you anymore, you need to be patient you dont get what you want when you're in a rush"

If you sit back and think here for a second...

You want her to fall in love with you? Yes?

She can't see straight because he is calling her,and she still has feelings for him.

Until she resolves her feelings for him and recovers from the breakup you and she will not stand a chance.

If your willing to hang on and stay with her until the bitter end,where she says.. I really like you but.. or,I just want you as a friend.. you get the jist... well,fair enough.

Is she worth getting your heart broken?

Only you can answer that.

And no,man,nor woman can heal that fast from a broken relationship,it might look like it from the outside,but you can tell by their actions they are hurting.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

if you sit back and think here for a second...

you want her to fall in love with you? yes?

she can't see straight because he is calling her,and she still has feelings for him.

untill she resolves her feelings for him and recovers from the breakup you and she will not stand a chance.

if your willing to hang on and stay with her untill the bitter end,where she says..i really like you but..or,i just want you as a friend..you get the jist...well,fair enough.

is she worth getting your heart broken?

only you can answer that.

and no,man,nor woman can heal that fast from a broken relationship,it might look like it from the outside,but you can tell by their actions they are hurting.

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Sigh... is that inevitable? Even if she told her ex she won't talk to him for a while? I think she might have blocked his email.

People are trying to reason with you here and getting nowhere, so I'll be harsh. You are completely delusional about your relationship. She is basically screaming at you that she is not in a place to be in a relationship and you refuse to see it. You come here and ask for advice and every person gives you the same answer and you ignore and counter it. It's clear you've never been through one of these situations before, and I feel for you, but if you had, you would be gone so fast there'd be one of those cartoon sound effects. She can tell you what she wants, but she is not over her ex, and cannot be in an honest relationship with anyone else until she is. You want to believe that you can have her, and that she is present, so it's overriding every other blaring siren and flaring red flag that says otherwise. And someone who is truly over someone, and doesn't want to be with them, doesn't spend time telling them so. She would simply move on and not talk to him. The textbook on this one is that if you stick around, she's going to stomp on your heart, all the time saying she didn't mean to and how sorry she is, which won't make it hurt for you any less. Your choice.

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Originally Posted by Maximilian4073

People are trying to reason with you here and getting nowhere, so I'll be harsh. You are completely delusional about your relationship. She is basically screaming at you that she is not in a place to be in a relationship and you refuse to see it. You come here and ask for advice and every person gives you the same answer and you ignore and counter it. It's clear you've never been through one of these situations before, and I feel for you, but if you had, you would be gone so fast there'd be one of those cartoon sound effects. She can tell you what she wants, but she is not over her ex, and cannot be in an honest relationship with anyone else until she is. You want to believe that you can have her, and that she is present, so it's overriding every other blaring siren and flaring red flag that says otherwise. And someone who is truly over someone, and doesn't want to be with them, doesn't spend time telling them so. She would simply move on and not talk to him. The textbook on this one is that if you stick around, she's going to stomp on your heart, all the time saying she didn't mean to and how sorry she is, which won't make it hurt for you any less. Your choice.

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Okay, I appreciate the tough love, I've been in a relationship before, but she's such a good catch I didn't want to let her go, but I guess I have to realize that no matter what I do, it won't end well. I appreciate you guys, sorry for being so hard-headed.

No worries man, Just keep you head up. We all looked for excuses to stay in something that deep down inside we knew would never work. From your post you can tell you were looking for something serious with her, and from the begning she said that she wasn't. That is a big conflict of interest there.

How do I go about ending it? How do I tell her, because I have a feeling that if I bring up how she's feeling she's just going to tell me that it's not an issue, and that she's keeping it separate from me.

You don't let what she says affect your decision. You simply tell her "I don't think this arrangement is working out, I want more than you can emotional handle right now. I understand you are going through a lot and I am sorry it came to this"

Okay, so for future reference, if a girl still loves her ex, then it won't work out and you are being used as a rebound even if not intentionally?

Maybe not a rebound but it won't work out. I haven't heard too many tales of it working out.

What would it be if it's not a rebound?

Experience? Only she knows and she may not know. You could take her mind off things

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Originally Posted by lp2009

Okay, I appreciate the tough love, I've been in a relationship before, but she's such a good catch I didn't want to let her go, but I guess I have to realize that no matter what I do, it won't end well. I appreciate you guys, sorry for being so hard-headed.

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She might be beautiful and out of your league as you say, but that doenst make it right that she is only leading you to hurt. I think in her mind she wants to move on. Her heart is with her ex. You don't have that. You deserve better. Don't sit around and play second fiddle while her mind is someplace else.

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 weeks, she was just out of a relationship

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And her being beautiful you think she can be trusted with your heart after 3 weeks of dating? The red flag is that your already in too deep, for your own good and have no objectivity, or self preservation instinct kicking in to slow you down.

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He broke up with her, but now he wants her back but she wouldn't take him back, so I guess she could be considered the dumper.

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Wrong, she got dumped and intends to make him suffer. That's where you come in. She has a new boyfriend already? Come on guy recognize, what she is doing to him.

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She told me up front that she didn't want a serious relationship with me like she had before, but that it could work out.

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Sure it could, but that's so far down the line, YOU Can't SEE IT!

I could add a lot more, as I was just getting started, but it would all be in the same tone. Your so fixated on her so fast your ignoring the facts and the red flags and need to step back and take a better look without the love bugs in your eyes.

You are a rebound for sure, and as soon as she wakes up from her fog, she will be ready to either go back to him, or worse find some one else, and I don't care what she says, your only filling a hole in her soul until she heals completely.

She will be grateful for your help during a bad time in her life, and appreciate it greatly, but romance will not be your reward, or having a good partner. So have fun on your dates but get your head out of the clouds and keep your heart out of her hands.

This isn't love fella, no way, from her, or from you. Just two needy people who are in the same place, at the same time, who are trying to feel good again, but just don't know how. I think you both get hurt in this one.

Your safe, and she is beautiful, do some thinking here dude, with your head and not your heart.

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You are a rebound for sure, and as soon as she wakes up from her fog, she will be ready to either go back to him, or worse find some one else, and I don't care what she says, your only filling a hole in her soul until she heals completely.

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The reason why I'm reluctant to think that I'm a rebound is because she told me at the beginning that she isn't over her ex, I was okay with that, the reason why I'm upset is cause yesterday in the email she told him that it was hard for her to not go back to him. This would make me want to break up with her, but she came back and told him that she can't talk to him anymore because she has me and she doesn't want to emotionally cheat on me. But then she told him that if he really loved her and wanted her he has to be patient, which made me nervous again. She sent like mixed signals, and I'm reading mixed signals, part of it says she wants him back, the other part says, she has aboyfriend now so he needs to leave her alone

Why waste your time when you already don't know where you stand with her. She needs the time and space to heal from her ex and you should give her that. Use her words and tell her you want to be with her but its not the right time. Then walk away and leave her to heal. Beauty is only skin deep. You might be getting the pats on the back right now but what will it be when she leaves you knee deep in heart ache.