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lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 07:27 AM

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 weeks, she was just out of a relationship at the beginning of the semester, he broke up with her, but now he wants her back but she wouldn't take him back, so I guess she could be considered the dumper. She told me up front that she didn't want a serious relationship with me like she had before, but that it could work out. She told me that she still was in love with her ex, but that she wouldn't let her feelings for him have any effect on our relationship, and it doesn't seem like it has, she doesn't really bring him up. But he still emails her, and whenever he does, she gets really upset. Yesterday she told him that she wanted to get back with him, and that it was hard for her to not go back, but that it wasn't healthy for them right now. She then later told him that she felt like she was emotionally cheating on me, and that she can't talk to him for a while because its unfair for her to be caught up with him while she's with me. He asked her if it meant they were over for good, but she told him that's not what she meant, and that he needs to be patient, and give her the space that she needs and if that he really wanted her he would let her go for a while. I just read these emails cause she left them up on her laptop, and left it in my room this morning when she went to class. I've been googling the signs of a rebound relationship, and we don't really fit them too well, cause we aren't sleeping together, and we aren't saying I love you, but the fact that she told him she wants him back but couldn't take him back right now, and then she came back and told him to not talk to her cause she felt guilty makes me a bit nervous. Can she really be in love with him and not let it effect or relationship?

amicon · Oct 27, 2009, 08:13 AM

She s nowhere near over her ex and regardless of the two of you not having sex etc that makes you her rebound. She should take time to recover from the breakup instead of trying to jump into a new relationship.
Leaving the laptop s a big hint, I suggest you take it and bow out.

Romefalls19 · Oct 27, 2009, 08:18 AM

You are just a warm body to get her company. She has yet to deal with her own feelings and before she does that, you are just going to be easily replaced

kctiger · Oct 27, 2009, 08:25 AM

Originally Posted by lp2009

she told me up front that she didn't want a serious relationship with me like she had before, but that it could work out. She told me that she still was in love with her ex.

Pretty much says it all right here, no need to read further. She seems to be extremely honest with you. I know if someone told me this, I would be gone, no questions asked. I would think the signs are pretty clear to you right now, so leave before you get hurt.

overayear · Oct 27, 2009, 08:55 AM

She is not over her EX at all and I think at the end of the day you are going to be disapointed. I think it would be best if you just backed away now. She needs to deal with her own issues!

88sunflower · Oct 27, 2009, 08:57 AM

I am sure she has walls up from her ex which will block her from wanting or considering a serious relationship any time soon. She sounds stuck between needing to get over him and wanting to move on. That's a confusing point to be in and now your right in the middle. If I were you I would just bow out and wish her luck. She is playing mind games and keeping you both hanging on even if she doesn't realize it. Before you get to deep I would move on before you get hurt.

lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 08:57 AM

The thing is, she said she doesn't let her feelings for her ex interfere with her feelings for me. I thought that if we were in a rebound, she would transfer her emotions from him to me, but since she keeps them separate, maybe its different? And she felt guilty for emotionally cheating on me by talking to her ex about their relationship, that means that she does care about me right? She told him all she wants for him is happiness so I know she cares about him. She told him she was in a lot of pain and that their breakup has been effecting her grades, and that whenever he emails her, she breaks down that's why she doesn't want to talk to him, so I feel like I'm her knight in shining armor

kctiger · Oct 27, 2009, 09:01 AM

You cannot be in love with someone and logically date someone else. That is robbing you of a true relationship and that person's complete devotion to you. I'm sorry, but to have feelings that deep for someone else and still date another guy, it is impossible to not let that interfere. I am stunned you sat there and let her say that to you and you are still talking yourself into this being a normal and healthy start to a relationship. Why would you want to date someone who is in love with another guy?

88sunflower · Oct 27, 2009, 09:05 AM

But she also said these things, which I would take as red flags:

Originally Posted by lp2009

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 weeks, she was just out of a relationship at the beginning of the semester, he broke up with her, but now he wants her back but she wouldn't take him back, so I guess she could be considered the dumper. she told me up front that she didn't want a serious relationship with me like she had before, but that it could work out. She told me that she still was in love with her ex, but that she wouldn't let her feelings for him have any effect on our relationship, and it doesn't seem like it has, she doesn't really bring him up. But he still emails her, and whenever he does, she gets really upset. Yesterday she told him that she wanted to get back with him, and that it was hard for her to not go back, but that it wasn't healthy for them right now. She then later told him that she felt like she was emotionally cheating on me, and that she can't talk to him for a while because its unfair for her to be caught up with him while she's with me. He asked her if it meant they were over for good, but she told him thats not what she meant, and that he needs to be patient, and give her the space that she needs and if that he really wanted her he would let her go for a while. I just read these emails cause she left them up on her laptop, and left it in my room this morning when she went to class. I've been googling the signs of a rebound relationship, and we don;t really fit them too well, cause we aren't sleeping together, and we aren'tsaying I love you, but the fact that she told him she wants him back but coulndt take him back right now, and then she came back and told him to not talk to her cause she felt guilty makes me a bit nervous. Can she really be in love with him and not let it effect or relationship??

lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 09:17 AM

To be honest with you, she's out of my league, many people were shocked when we started dating, but we do have a lot in comon, and I've been doing a lot of stuff for her that she likes, like we went hiking and she said she;s never done that before.

But I never thought I'd be with her, last semester she was with her ex and she was crazy of her and very loyal. Now that I have the chance, I don't want to let it go. She told her boyfriend to not talk to her cause she was with ME now, and she felt like she was emotionally cheating on me by talking to him. Does that count for anything?

And the fact that she was open with me about it, that she has feelings for her ex it made me feel like she wants it to work and she wants to be completely honest with me, but she says that since he was her first love, she will always be in love with him, which I guess means it doesn't matter if we start dating now, or 3 years from now she's still going to feel the same way about him.

The thing is, we do get along, and have fun, it almost seems like we're a normal relationship, just going a little slow, but she said that her feelings for her ex won't effect her relationship with me... is that possible? I'm so confused just about that one part

kctiger · Oct 27, 2009, 09:18 AM

I am getting the feeling you have very low self esteem.

lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But she also said these things, which I would take as red flags:

But the context that she used him in, was that she wasn't going back to him, I guess he was trying to convince her that she still cared about him, but she just came out and said that she does want to be with him, but she can't, can u be with someone, and want to be with another person, and still fall in love with the other person? Is there anyway that she could fall for me?

lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 09:20 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

I am getting the feeling you have very low self esteem.

Well its not that, she likes my confidence she said, but she's a beauty queen, and people were like shocked when we started dating, I mean I'm not going to pretend like she can't get a better looking guy than me, a lot of her friends asked her what she was thinking but she didn't care, that also makes me feel good about our relationship

kctiger · Oct 27, 2009, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by lp2009

Well its not that, she likes my confidence she said, but she's a beauty queen, and people were like shocked when we started dating, i mean i'm not going to pretend like she can't get a better looking guy than me, a lot of her friends asked her what she was thinking but she didn't care, that also makes me feel good about our relationship

You don't have a relationship! This is absurd! If Megan Fox walked up to me and said all those things I wouldn't care! I am not going to get used like that. Every single response to your post has been to get out and you still don't listen. It's like you want us to say, "Go ahead and date her, it will work out." There is a general theme here. If you had any sort of confidence or self preservation you wouldn't sit there listen to her BS about her ex, you would be gone!

lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 09:27 AM

Thank you, I understand what you mean.. and I should def. get out, but she's not the type of girl to use someone, like I said she's very loyal, she didn't cheat on her boyfriend at all last year and they're at different colleges, she's a very very nice girl, my last question is, if she's using me, is it possible she's doing it without knowing?
I appreciate all the advice everybody

kctiger · Oct 27, 2009, 09:29 AM

Let me ask you an honest question: If she wasn't as beautiful as you protest, would we even be having this conversation?

lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 09:35 AM

I think so, because, looks aren't everything, and she's a deep girl. The reason why I'm concerned here is because she told her ex this,exact copy paste from the email

" I think you understand that I do want to be with you, I do care about you, as bad as I want to come back to you, we're both not ready for a relationship so serious"

And in an email a few hours later, after we had hung out she said

"I'm not going to talk to you for a very long time, our emotions are high right now and all we are doing is prolonging the pain. I have a boyfriend now and I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on him by being caught up with you. Whether you like it or not, he's there and we both have to respect him...my feelings for you do not have ANY effect on my relationship with him"

I just don't know what that means. She told me before we started dating that she wanted him to move on, but telling him that isn't going to help him want to move on cause its giving him false hope. It doesn't seem liike her ex is effecting our relationship...

amicon · Oct 27, 2009, 09:44 AM

If her ex wasn't affecting your relationship you wouldn't be posting here.You ll end up hurting that's our concern.

kctiger · Oct 27, 2009, 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

If her ex wasnt affecting your relationship you wouldnt be posting here.You ll end up hurting thats our concern.

To be honest, that's not my concern. I am more concerned about that fact that this is so blatant and you neglect to even see the signs here.

KCTiger rule: NEVER get involved with a woman who is still involved with her ex.

lp2009 · Oct 27, 2009, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

If her ex wasnt affecting your relationship you wouldnt be posting here.You ll end up hurting thats our concern.

But he really hasn't had any effect until now, and the only reason I'm here is because she left the emails up, and I saw them when she left for class, she usually leaves her laptop at my room after we have breakfast and she goes to class, but she left her email up and I saw she was emialing her ex, so she hasn't brought him up, I just ran across it