NC after a recent breakup, want to hear some thoughts.
Aehs01 has been changed to Telan, and all threads have been merged for easy access
So I'll do some explaining so this all makes sense and I get the best responses out of this topic. I happen to find a great NC thread thanks to Google searches and discovering what the 'no contact rule' really is. I've come across mostly all the same information reading online and speaking with friends when it comes to break ups.
I'll explain a bit of my past so my current situation makes more sense. I've dated and had dates with numerous girl's.. about 3 years ago back in early 2006 I fell in love for the first time, I was 21 at the time. 3 1/2 months into this relationship my girlfriend broke up with me over an argument, she was 18 and extremely immature.. more or less she strung me along worse then any girl ever had keeping me in the loop for the next ~2 years.. she would date other guys, sleep with other guys and I would always be there for her.. thinking because of how she acted she wanted to work things out.. we tried probably 4 or 5 times and every time I ended up extremely disapointed.. I had a NC period of over a year 1/2 with her and in all this time (about 3 years total) I never met anyone new and had only gone on dates that went no where. This really damaged me, made me lost confidence in myself, made me think I'd never meet anyone again.. always trying to get back what I once had for such a short amount of time.. it was all a complete waste and even to this day the best thing I got going with this girl is we can talk like normal human beings and we don't hangout ever.
So on to the current situation.. I'm now 24 and have learned a lot alone from dating others and being in that one relationship that really did a number on me. I met a girl back in May/June and we started dating and eventually made it official.. this girl was amazing, we never fought and we were always doing fun things, going places, just overall having a great relationship. We fell in love in a short amount of time and I knew it was love, after being in so many situations and knowing how sure I was about my feelings I was back where I wanted to be. Now this girl was 20, more mature then my last but had been in a lot less experiences. She had 1 ex boyfriend who she was engadged to and dated for 4 years, he abused her and mistreated her all the time.. essentially they both had issues and she got rid of him 5-6 months before I had met her. While we dated he was always hounding her and trying to get her back.. he had pretty much screwed himself because he did things that could never be un-done.. she ignored him most of the time.
So 2 1/2 months into our relationship we get into our first real fight.. she started telling me that she wanted to be friends with her ex. I explained that maybe one day years from now they could be friends again and be able to talk like normal people.. speaking from my own experiences with my last girlfriend. This kid wanted her back badly and she in my opinion was thinking very irrationally about this situation. I let her hangout with friends that were guys and didn't mind this because I trusted her and I knew there was no past between them. She got upset with me and cancelled our plans, from here on out things just went downhill.. she had her wisdom teeth out, failed her class in school which in turn meant her failing all her classes and having to stop going to school.. she pretty much hit 'rock bottom' as she described it. She took me down with her and broke up with me over a Facebook message.. She told me she was confused and had an urge to want to see other people, she was thinking that because of me telling her I didn't want her to see this ex of hers I was being controlling, as if I was going to fall into a controlling habit just as her ex was controlling with her.. this scared her. She explained that she was terrified of the unknown and not knowing if our relationship will work out. I became angry and deleted her as a friend and removed all our photo's.. I look back at that now and wish I just left her alone and did absolutely nothing at the time but I was upset. We saw each other 2 weeks later and she told me how much she missed me and how sorry she was, how breaking up with me was one of the biggest regrets she ever had. We slept together and more or less had a 'make up' day.. She told me she had not heard from her ex in two weeks and did not miss him, she said she had no desire to be friends with him and told me she realized I was the really the first person she ever loved, that not only she loved me as a boyfriend but as a person because I treated her so well and appreciated her. We didn't get back together because she still emphasized being confused.. being scared to lose me. She would tell me she shouldn't be with anyone, as she had fallen back into bad habits such as drinking alcohol often and smoking ciggs.. picking up on her past but she wanting me to 'wait' for her. At first this was what I did, another two weeks went by and we were starting to argue more.. I left her alone for the most part and let her come to me.. she attempted to make plans with me again.. ending up that she had to cancel on me due to some family plans that came up unexpectedly.
I told her I wanted a two week break to cool off.. she became very angry about this and just made me feel bad.. we argued more and we ended up speaking the next night, more apologies. I left her alone most of that week and she checked up on me twice, apologized to me more for how she was treating me and how sorry she was. I decided that weekend I couldn't take my emotions being thrown up and down so I told her I needed to see her in person. She came over on Sunday the 13th, we talked and it was ovious she was still in love with me.. she told me many times she was. We talked and I decided to tell her I think we should have absolutely no contact and that I would not be put through this again.. knowing what had happened for the past few years I was not going to be walked on again. We ended up sleeping together even after the discussion of NC.. I don't regret it because I think it left the night with her remembering what it was like to really be happy with me, how she told me she loved me. It has been two weeks since last night and it has been so hard to not think about her. The first week I would check her Facebook and hoped not to read something that would make me feel hurt.. one night was her mentioning drinking and it was obvious this whole situation was bothering her, another her sounding happy about going to the Zoo on the coming weekend. I have decided at this point not to login to FB at all so I don't get any temptation to look at her page, deleting her I thought would re-create issues as they did the first time I removed her so I left it be. I'm being strong this time around and honestly hope she realizes that me and her had a special relationship.. I feel as though her only being with me and this one other kid she is going to want to explore and date around to see what is out there.. I can't blame her as she has not experienced that. My plan is to wait another 2 1/2 weeks and ask her out to a casual short lunch and treat the situation normal with the hopes that she will talk about how she is feeling now that I've really been gone for over a month. I'm curious to know what you all think of this.. I know it's long and if you read this far I thank you.
Should I feel bad for telling her how I really felt after we broke up?
To make a longer story short, I dated this girl for roughly 3 months. She was 20.. I'm 24. She to me is still growing up and learning a lot.. she decided to break up with me mostly because of not being over an ex of 4 years and not being ready to settle down and be in any type of serious relationship. She ended up failing school, drinking, doing drugs.. she was being immature.. about a month after us being broken up.. still hanging out and sleeping together I decided to implement NC to prevent myself from getting hurt more knowing she would eventually move on to someone else.. she would tell me she wondered what it was like to date other people really only being with me and one other person.
Basically when I found out she went and slept with someone else days after me telling her I couldn't do this anymore (NC) I pretty much got angry and told her off over IM, telling her how immature she was and pointing out her flaws.. telling her how messed up it was for her to jump into a rebound with someone else.. she pretty much told me ' you' and it's now been exactly a month since we spoke.. I had looked at her Facebook a few days after her 'closing message' to me seeing that she was in a new relationship and with a new guy, went away with him to a hotel over a weekend etc etc... should I feel bad for really telling her off, telling her how I really felt?
Might be able to understand this better if you read my other post. I created this one because I wanted to focus more on the fact that I probably made her feel like sh*t and I honestly feel bad about it. I hate doing NC but I know it's the only way to heal and the fact that she is with someone else so soon tells me that she was not for me. I can explain more if need be. Thanks
Trying to stick to NC, it's been about 6 months...
Well first of all, I created a new user name. My ex posted in both my previous threads as 'follow your heart'
This was my first thread-
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ts-400627.html
I made this one months later-
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-414257.html
Well if you decided to read through the other two threads, more or less I'm at the point where I've followed all of the NC rules. No Facebook, no texting, no photo's, no contact of any kind since probably about sometime in January I believe.
Initially we had met on Okcupid.com, when we last spoke I had basically been browsing the site (had signed back up) and saw her on there.. it stirred up some emotions and I ended up using IM to contact her. She pretty much told me how little I seemed to mean to her and pretty much admitted the guy she had left me for she loved more then she did me.. this devastated me.. I attempted to call her to talk at the time and she was so disrespectful about the situation she wouldn't even pickup the phone for me and pretty much made it clear I was not all that important to her. I deleted myself on Okcupid for months because I couldn't stand thinking to see her on there looking for someone yet again. I decided to recently come back and try it again a couple months ago. I find she is no longer on the site again (I just assume she found yet someone else to be with) but last night I was browsing and she poped up.. again my emotions felt out of control and all today it's been on my mind just bothering me extensively.
I can already see a lot of the responses you guy's will give, I know it's dumb and pretty pathetic I'm even still not over this girl.. after everything that happened, how short the relationship was and everything associated with it.
Well over the past 6 months I've come to the conclusion that I have major issues when it comes to relationships, I allow most women I date or have dated to walk all over me. I pretty much define nice guy in a nutshell... I go to bars twice a week and typically have little to no luck with the women I meet.. I mostly hardly approach women and the women I have gone on dates with absolutely nothing has happened (probably gone on 6 or 7 dates in the past year) I exercised doing extremely difficult workout programs for more or less 6-7 months straight to boost my confidence, this has without a doubt helped as I look and feel much better but it just does not seem to be enough..
I just can't seem to shake this girl, even going out yesterday for father's day we went to a restaurant with my family. Last time I was there she came with us, it just happens she comes up in my mind no matter what I seem to do.
I get thoughts in my head of attempting to contact or meet up with this girl in person. Even though I know it's not ever going to be what it once was... it's like I have some hope in the back of my mind maybe this could work out somehow.. 3 times in the past month I've received these odd instant messages from her. One was a direct connect, usually for sending pictures, another was a bunch of | | | symbols at like 3am and then again just a '.' period. I know she has a laptop she leaves under the bed and a cat so I thought maybe they were just mistakes.. it just seemed so coincidental to happen 3 times when it was not happening at all months before. Granted I should probably block her, I didn't want to block her then give her some other means of thinking "why did he block me I wonder?" then really try to contact me... I don't know.
I guess reading over this, I don't know what to expect from all of this. During my initial NC I posted a lot in an online journal and made everything private only for my own eyes to just 'get out' what I was feeling and it seems to help and keep a burden off bothering my friends about the situation.. I decided to come post here instead of doing something dumb like trying to talk to her just like I did back in January.
I guess the bigger thing with me and relationships is I've dated many many women, mostly all shorter relationships, I've slept with and gone on many dates.. easily over 50 from online or in person.. most online (been using online dating for 7 years) and she is one of the only girls I've ever felt like this about. If you read my other threads, I talk about my first love.. this girl it took me 3 years to completely be over and just be 'ok' to talk to.. I've pretty much come to the conclusion I may be in the same situation with this girl...
I guess I don't know what I expect for replies if any at all.. I just kind of needed to get this out, maybe someone can share a similar experience. Am I doing the right thing? It kills me sometimes to just act like this person is literally 'dead' in my mind.. I mean in all reality I've tried so hard to stick to NC she could have died and I wouldn't have even known about it.
